♄Brian ☾ Jamesøn♃

Welcome to my blog ♥ Here I'll discuss all aspects of self discovery. There's a piece of me that goes into each and every post I write. Each piece carries its own wave of thoughts and emotions for different reasons that you’ll come to find out. If interested, please subscribe. Thank you. -Jameson

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  • 2015 Overview

    2015 Overview

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    2015

    Another year to mark down in my 24 years of life of being one of the best years to ever happen to me. This year really taught me so much about myself and I learned the one thing I truly needed…. SELF CONTROL.

    I’m going to briefly explain everything. If interested to read more about the things I did this year feel free to search through my blog!

    So let’s start from the beginning of all the adventures this year.

    January

    For my birthday I went on a cruise and took it to the Bahamas!

    Last day of the cruise and I decide to get hammered drunk.
    Manta Ray rolled towels!
    My view from my balcony room of the ocean.
    Night time view of the deck we were on hanging out.
    Water was cold!
    My double fisting pose. Drinking Bahamian beer. It honestly tasted just like a corona lol.
    In front of the Bahamas sign haaayyy.
    At dinner they were rounding people up and dancing in a single file line around the restaurant so of course my wild ass starts getting live.
    Here I was having a conversation with Elaine and her Husband Charlie.
    Underwater!!

    Oddly enough I went with 2 people I’m no longer friends with lmao. But the experience was amazing!!!! I’ve always wanted to go on a cruise and it was truly the funnest adventure ever! I mean, all you really do is talk and drink and eat but being out there on the ocean so far away from home was just ultimate. I completely fell in love with the sea at night. It was so dark and the only light you could see were from the other cruise ships. It just made you think of what all could be in the water underneath you and the fact it’s such an open body of water you’re sailing on. It was just incredible. I had never been anywhere other than California so it was amazing seeing a completely different culture.

    After the cruise I went to Orlando and hung out for the rest of the time there. Let me just say that Orlando is not somewhere I’ll ever visit again unless I’m going to Disney World… It was so damn boring and everyone was so rude! I hated it. The only thing I liked there was the sea food. Other than that I could do with not going back lol.

    February

    Only thing that really happened this month was being able to take my mom out for her birthday that she so deserved. She never gets to enjoy her days as much so I took her to senor frogs. My moms been there for me through alloootttttt this year and continues to try hard to make sure I’m happy so I’ve returned the same to her.

    ❤
    Our balloon hats! She got the crown, I got the frog!
    Mommy ❤
    I told the girls to not pay attention to me taking photos because I wanted to make this photo look old to give a sense of nostalgia.

    March

    I took my photography outside of my blogs and took it more serious by buying photography books a professional camera and helped some friends with their portfolios as well as worked on building a photography portfolio for myself.

    All the models I shot with this year

    Quickly I had heard early this year that there was an event called RAW where all types of artists come together to sell and show their work. A great way to meet other people and make connects.

    I was able to received all of the profit I made and donated 30% towards American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) for sentimental reasons.

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    The experience was incredible because so many of my friends showed up to support and be a part of all of it and hang out with me. It was the best feeling because it’s things like that, that show me who my real friends are and how great my friends truly are. I appreciate the little things in life and honestly I could have nothing but as long as I have my friends I’m fine because their love, care and support is what has truly shaped who I am today.

    The flowers June gave me I put in a vase. 🙂
    Cara Brooks
    Nataly- the manager of the event checking out how my work turned out.
    My space

    Doing the RAW show helped me see past all the negative from that day because I had my car keyed that day in the parking garage of the new place I was living at.. It was terrible because I hadn’t noticed until I went to my moms to pick up the rest of my things since I had moved that day and my nephew pointed it out. But even though that happened I fought past it and enjoyed the show.

    About a month later I had my car repaired and it’s fine now. 🙂

    I did the AFSP walk here in town in remembrance and honor of my best friend Joey who passed away last year.. We’re going on 2 years next year but he will absolutely not be forgotten and I wanted to make sure of that. I don’t care what drama he had with anyone he was loyal, strong, and caring as fuck about his friends and family. His love for his friends (true friends) and family ran deeper than mine ever could. He had an appreciation for friends and family that I’ve never witnessed before and was so charismatic and smart. He was the one person who could really make me laugh uncontrollably. I mean for real.. I would be in tears sometimes laughing at the shit he would say lol. I miss him sooooo much but I’m making sure his name lives on. It’s a mission of mine until I die.

    Got my shirt! In order to have received this shirt I needed to raise $150 and I did! Thank you to everyone who donated because it helped me get this shirt that I can now keep as remembrance of the walk.
    Everyone walking
    Some people released balloons in remembrance of who they lost.

    Nowadays I try and remember all of that instead of the fact he’s gone because I would like to believe he’s still around and that his memory will continue.

    April

    April rolled around and I finally had the chance to get it all repaired and since my car insurance was able to give me a rental, I decided to take it to Zion! I hate the drive to Zion and I hate racking miles onto my own car so I figured I’d definitely get some miles in on this car lol.

    Me and my friend Cara and Scott decided to go up for the day and go hiking. I love going to Zion, it’s so relaxing and absolutely beautiful. April 2nd was the day Joey passed away so it was good for me to get far away from reality and just spend that day out in the mountains with good company.

    Lunch time rest.
    After hike drinks. I was fucking BEAT.
    My whole life; Cara ❤

    May

    Was shit, nothing fun

    June

    My niece Alexis graduated from Kindergarten to first grade!

    I love her to absolute pieces. There’s a bond with her that I have that I don’t have with my other niece or nephew and that’s because when Alexis was born I had to kind of had to look out after her since there were family issues at the time. So ever since she was born for the first 2 years I mainly took care of her. I felt like a parent to her honestly. So every time I look at her I feel like she’s mine because I took care of her for so long and was there to watch her grow and the one she first walked to. I still remember the times I had super blonde hair and people would always ask me if she was my daughter when we went out. I always said yes and they all would be shocked because I would tell them I was 18 lol.

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    She’s growing up so damn fast but I’m thankful to God that I’m able to capture all those special moments of her growing up.

    I went to California to get away in this same month. After Joey’s one year of passing away I still felt really tormented with everything so I just needed a getaway middle of this year to just clear my head a little more and visit good friends and get some sun at the beach! So me and my road dawg Scott went to California. He went to go meet some hot girls and I went to visit my friend Matt in California in June and spent a couple of days out there hanging out.

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    July

    Amy, Jess and I
    Random dude that was flirting with me lol
    Me, Melissa, Rachel and Meagan

    I spent at the Vegas pool parties! My friends and I spent a ton of time at XS for night swim! My good friend Amy from Vancouver Canada came out with her boyfriend Jefferiah! I have not seen Amy in years! She’s such an awesome human being and seeing her again was epic. Her energy is incredible. Love her! If you’re Vegan and anti-fur check her out because she’s the best at what she does standing against all the cruelty! I mean, I know I eat meat and a big part of it is because I need any meat I can since I’m so skinny but she doesn’t judge. I love her.

    This same month my friend Jessica got married! I’ve known Jessica since I was 21 and she was underage getting into the bars we went to with a fake ass ID lmao. I love her to death. One of the very few people I can call a great friend. Although we don’t talk allot, she and my friend Lisa are a big part of my heart for the simple fact that we all can relate to so much and our sex stories are ALWAYS the best.

    August

    The Bellagio set up a stage in their fountain area for 3 days and performed a very old form of theater called “Kabuki” and it was beautiful! I managed to go after work and get a decent spot since the entire fountain area was covered with people watching the show. It was free and there were a ton of photographers there taking pictures of it. I was standing right next to one and it felt like fighting for the best shot from the tight spot we were in and it was HOT as hell that day.

    September

    This same month was extremely special because it was the month I met the boy who stole my heart

    I met Nick.

    Not sure if I’ve explained how we met in any past blog posts but I’ll explain again just in case.

    I remember him liking my photos on instagram like a year n a half ago and just remember how cute he was and he had his snapchat on his instagram so I decided to just follow him on there and see how it goes.

    I deleted snapchat forever ago and just re-installed it a few months back because Meagan constantly told me she would always send funny shit on there so I said fuck it and re-downloaded it and remembered my login for it!

    So we would send each other snaps back n forth and I remember just writing him telling him he was cute and it went from there. Ever since that night we talked we just stayed consistent about talking. Every single night after that we FaceTimed and have not missed a single day. It’s the type of bond I always dreamed of and things have just continued to go amazing with us. I’m happy with him and don’t know anyone else that could handle the way I act and be able to read me the way he does. It’s amazing, truly.

    October

    Nick came to town and we had our first date! It was the perfect first date. We went to Scarpetta at the Cosmo for it. We talked and got to know each other more and he told me about the times he’s been to Vegas and just anything and everything. We went downtown for Meagans birthday and went to Goldspike. We got a little drunk but it was fun because he really enjoyed himself.

    Dinner at Scarpetta at Cosmo

    November

    I decided to do a surprise visit to see Nick.

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    Meagan and I had planned to only go for like a day or 2 and just get the hell out of town so I didn’t tell Nick at all that I was going. I showed up at the restaurant his friends wanted us to all meet at and surprised the hell out of him. It was the best reaction ever. I got us a hotel that night to spend time together and just enjoy being in each others company since I hadn’t seen him in a month. The trip was so short but so worth it.

    Meagan being funny
    😀
    Bed time shenanigans

    The following week I went out to go to Disneyland with Nick and to spend Thanksgiving with he and his family. I was really nervous because I wasn’t sure if they’d like me. I mean I know I look a little crazy and can dress a little wild but luckily enough his family liked me so that made me happy. 😀

    I took him to the valley that same night to go meet my family as well. I wanted to make sure I had my family’s approval of him and they all seemed to have a strong like to him which made me happy. My mom still hasn’t met him but my god mother has and that’s important to me.

    I never get into relationships like this at all because they tend to freak me out or I tend to lose interest but he’s kept my interest at it’s peak which is just awesome so I’m just enjoying where this is going. We don’t fight or argue about anything. If I feel down about something or I’m frustrated and in a bad mood, he knows what to ask me to get me to talk and let him know what’s on my mind even if I don’t want to talk about it. Communication is by far the most important to me because I need to know we can have a conversation and if I’m pissed I need to know the other person will know what to do with me.

    Me and Nick ❤
    Me my aunt Vilma, Leiani (leslies daughter) and Nick 🙂

    December

    Was pretty quite this month with the exception of Christmas. For Christmas I spent it at home with my mom brother and nephew and unwrapped gifts with them Christmas day. My mom got me a whole bunch of clothes which is what I really needed. Thankfully she bought me all black clothes which is what I’ll need for school because that’s dress code! So I’ll definitely be getting some good use out of them. I bought her clothes as well. Some fun going out clothes because she doesn’t have any nice blouses or anything so I bought her a really classy top for her to wear to nice dinners and such.

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    I just truly felt the doors open for me this year. More than any other year.

    I accomplished every goal I set for myself and even accomplished little goals that I had in the back of my mind that I never thought would just fall in my lap.

    and big announcement

    I’m starting hair school next year (February 16th) at Paul Mitchell and couldn’t be happier! It’s what I’ve always wanted.

    It won’t be easy going to school full time and working part time because I’ll be having 16 hour days 3 days a week and my body can’t handle it much but I can train myself to handle just about anything so we’ll see how this all goes. Overall I’m excited to start this new venture and start a new chapter in my life and really BE someone. I’m just glad that I have someone by my side to enjoy this all with and I’m so extremely thankful this year for the friends I continue to have and the loving and supporting family I have. I don’t care about money I care about being surrounded by all the right people that just make you feel good because it makes life enjoyable and I’m blessed to have that.

     So thank you friends that have stuck with me as I have stuck in your life. I’ll see you all next year!!!!

    Love,

    -Brian

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  • Vision Board

    Vision Board

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    So a couple of nights ago me and my friends Danielle and Raquel decided to make vision boards!

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    It was Raquel’s idea we make one. So I brought over a bottle of wine with some Vogue magazines and the girls made SUPER SUPER SUPER YUMMY TACOS!!!! I mean, no lie they were so bomb.

    So we ate and talked and then got to our vision boards! It was so much fun! I’ve never ever made one so I thought it was such a neat and fun idea. I didn’t realize how popular they were and how many people make them. Danielle sent me a video of Steve Harvey talking about his and what he wants to do and where he keeps it and all that.

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    We told stories and talked about boys and our futures and where we see ourselves next year. It was just what I’ve needed for the holiday’s. I never get lonely but for some reason around the holiday’s I kinda feel it just because family and togetherness tends to linger in the air. So it felt nice to know I have friends to spend time with and do activities like this with.

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    I really loved the idea of making vision boards because it makes sense.

    An idea is only as good as you make it. A goal is only as good if you go after it and don’t lose sight. So making a vision board and placing it somewhere you’ll always see it I feel is the best idea because that way you’re constantly reminded of your plan for the year and what you want to do.

    Here was mine

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    My board was divided with Career, life, love, health and beauty

    (From left to right)

    Career: This section explains how next year I want to do allot more modeling and get into hair school so I can start working in a salon by the end of next year hopefully. So I added hair products and a picture of a hair stylist and a model to show that. I also truly hope to get more shoots in so I added Cara Delevigne up there because currently she’s #2 right now as one of the hottest most sought after and is considered model of the year for this year.

    Love and Life: This section was pretty simple because I’ve found someone I definitely love I just hope we can start a life in Vegas together and grow more together. I added the nuvo alcohol stuff as a form of celebration and a picture of a chase credit card and a guy jumping for joy into a pool because that’s me hoping to escape most of my credit card debt next year lmao.

    Health and Beauty: I added because staying youthful and pretty is important. No one wants wrinkles early on! and you have to definitely stay healthy in order to continue to live life to the fullest. So I added some beauty product creams and some botox in there lol.

    So yeah that concludes my board. I really hope I can achieve most of these goals! This year has truly been fucking awesome so I really hope next year proves to be the same.

  • Sex and Candy

    Sex and Candy

    Hangin’ round downtown by myself
    And I had too much caffeine
    And I was thinkin’ ’bout myself

    And I had so much time
    To sit and think about myself

    I smell sex and candy here
    Who’s that lounging in my chair
    Who’s that casting devious stares
    In my direction

    And then there she was
    Like double cherry pie

    Mama this surely is a dream

  • Disney Land/Thanksgiving 2015

    Disney Land/Thanksgiving 2015

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    So this week I decided to take another trip to California. I spent 4 days there and had plans for each day so this is how the trip went! Grab your milk and cookies or popcorn because it’s a long story lol.

    Monday

    I stayed with Tawnee and Tara Joey’s sisters. Thanksgiving was a holiday Joey and I celebrated for 2-3 years that we were friends, so I really wanted to see the girls before the holiday.

    I showed up around midnight that night and hung out with Tawnee playing Mortal Kombat and drinking beer. It was good to see her again and to just all be together.

    Monday afternoon I got up and got ready so I could go see Joey’s tomb stone with Tawnee. I finally got to meet faith Tara’s daughter and played a Disney Princess game with her before I left. 🙂

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    Little baby Faith! She is so fucking precious. I fell in love with her, she was so sweet.

    Honestly I didn’t cry at all when I went to go visit Joey and I think being there with Tawnee is what truly helped because I feel if I would of gone by myself I would of been a mess. I cry enough on the drive to California because I have a tendency of listening to Lana Del Rey and he loved Lana so it’s one of those things that trigger memories.

    Tawnee and I got there around 1:30-2 and just talked about Joey and memories of him and laughed about allot of shit. I felt the need to just enjoy myself there. I know he would of appreciated the fact I was there visiting him with his sister and instead of crying we laughed and talked.  We saw a tomb that had flowers and a beer so I told her to grab the beer so we can take a picture with it next to Joey’s tomb lmao. Joey LOVED beer that’s all he fucking drank so it was only obvious we needed it for the picture lol. We put it back afterwards though we’re not that fucked up haha.

    We were there until about 3 and then I needed to head over to Nick because we were waking up for Disney Land hella early on Tuesday. So I said my goodbyes and was on my way.

    I got to Nicks house around 5:30 and went to go eat pho with my brother! I wanted him to meet my brother from my dads side. I hadn’t seen Andy in like 5 years so I’m really glad we went out to eat and catch up. I guess he’s been in a relationship with the same guy for like 4 years and I’m so proud of him for that because I can tell he’s really in it for the long run. I guess his boyfriend is studying science to be a doctor so he definitely found himself a good one :).

    Tuesday

     Nick and I woke up at about 6am to get ready for Disney Land and left around 8. We didn’t get there until about 11:30-12 and I got a fucking SPEEDING TICKET ON THE WAY THERE!!!! I WAS FUCKING PISSED! I’ve never had a speeding ticket ever…  First one and let me tell you I won’t be speeding out there anymore. Fuck that. I was doing 82 in a 65 zone but at least the cop had the decency of bringing it down to 80 so I guess that’s fine…. But I was still pissed like wtf. I just grabbed that shit and signed it so I could be on my way I didn’t even say shit to the cop after that everything he was saying I acted like I didn’t even hear him.

    I had Nick drive shortly after that so I could take a nap and chill out.

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    Bout to get churros!

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    We got to Disney Land around noon and decided to do Disney California Adventure first because it closed at 11 instead of midnight and there were a couple of rides Nick had picked out for us to ride. The first ride we went on was Tower of Terror! Nick suggested we do that first so we did. I took a ton of photos on all the rides we went on or in line because I wanted to make it as memorable as possible.

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    2nd was the Ferris Wheel that like does flips n shit. That one was so much fun! We rode the ride with these 3 teenage girls who were losing their shit because of how scared they were. I don’t blame the girls! The rides seats don’t have any fucking seat belts!!!! SO you have to hold on for dear life to the gates otherwise you will fly on someone in front of you lol. The girl in front of me was cracking me up the most because right when she would think the ride was over the people working the ride would be like “one more time!” so she’d start losing her shit all over again. The 2nd time around the flips got stronger so her facial expressions got better lol. When the ride reached the bottom she looked at the lady and was like “You better not say one more time! Get me off this ride!” I busted up laughing. It was hysterical.

    3rd was the animation room!!!!!! The animation room is my ULTIMATE favorite part of California adventure! Every hour they have characters you can draw and they show you how to draw them so we went at 3:00 to draw Jack Skellington!

    I felt kinda retarded because mine looked so silly! lol. It was fun though 🙂

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    4th we went to go do Soarin, the ride that takes you over California and some girl had taken off her shoes and was like making snapchats and telling us which restaurants have beer n shit, she was so funny. I wish we would of drank because I think it would of made the experience fun but we were really caught up in just riding the rides and making sure we could ride all the fun ones before the parks closed.

    After Disney California Adventure we went to Disney Land finally!

    We got hungry around 4 so we had a hot dog with fries. It started to get really cold around that time too. It was overcast that day but it didn’t rain thank God! I would of been so miserable and upset lol.

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    When we got done eating Nick and I walked around holding hands and occasionally grabbing onto each other because it was so cold.

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    At one point we were walking behind another gay couple. They were literally right in front of us and I hadn’t really noticed until I seen that they were holding hands. It made me think of me and Nick because they were an older couple and for some reason I kind of got the feeling that, that could be us in the future. I know that I just met him and that maybe we might be moving too fast but I don’t care everything just feels perfect with him. I truly couldn’t have asked to meet someone better. He makes me beyond happy with everything he says and does.

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    Anyways

    I saw more lesbians at the park than gay guys. The only other gay couple I saw were the 2 guys in front of us and it was refreshing because I didn’t feel like we were the only 2 at the park holding hands. I didn’t give a fuck but it was just nice to know there was family there :).

    I LOVE THE PETER PAN RIDE!!!!

    We rode a ton of the rides we really wanted to ride like Peter Pan, Space Mountain, Indiana Jones, Haunted Mansion, Pirates of the Caribbean etc. We took pictures at almost every ride since he knows I like to document the shit lol. No one gave us nasty looks for kissing or holding hands or any of that which was great and if they did I surely wasn’t paying attention to them.

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    New Star Wars ride!
    There was a show going on as we were waiting in line and they included Frozen into it!

    Disney Land really did something to me this time around for sure.. I told myself when I last went to the park when I was 16 that I wanted to share that experience with someone I was with next time. I stuck to what I said and went with the single most amazing guy I’ve ever met. He kept me warm as we walked around and told me stories and we talked about anything and everything. We were both kind of quite just taking the park in but what really made the night was the firework show.

    At certain times they have firework shows and some people will even set up like 2 hours prior to the shows to make sure they have a good view lol. I really wanted to watch the Disney Forever fireworks show because it’s beautiful. They add really good music to the show and make the experience there that much more magical. My favorite was the Tangled song they put into the show because it really helped me feel that much closer to Nick. I felt closer to him in the sense that since everything between us has just been going amazing so the firework show with the Tangled song just helped me feel close to him in that moment. The fact we feel the same for each other and were able to witness a beautiful firework show really helped me enjoy it that much more. Disney Land truly is amazing when you’re either with a big group of friends or with someone you love.

    Here’s the video I recorded of that moment. They even included firework hearts! 😀

    After the firework show we continued to ride other rides and the lines were literally an hour long. It was so annoying…. The last ride we did was space mountain which is the last ride Meagan and I did last when we lat went together lol. There was some weird ring in the sky and everyone was taking pictures of it in the sky. It really was weird. What was worse is the fact we had this ragingly annoying teenage kid behind us talking all kinds of nonsense about space and death n shit. I was getting ready to ring his fucking neck!

    It was midnight when we got off the ride and the park was dying down a bit as everyone was leaving to make it back to the train that took you back to the parking lot. I held onto him listening to all the romantic disney music playing. There were trees lit up with white christmas lights near the castle and it just really set the mood for the walk back. I felt at that moment that the entire day was worth it with him. Everything went amazing and he was so sweet to me asking me the entire day if I was ok and if I was hungry and such. He’s such a gentleman and I have no idea how I found someone so amazing as him but I did. He’s shown me what a real man is and what a real loving person looks like because his heart truly is gold and spending that time at Disney Land with him made me realize that he is exactly what I want..

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    We got home around 3am since he lives about 2 hours away from it so the minute we got home we layed down for a bit and cuddled and went to bed.

    Wednesday

    The next day I wasn’t feeling good at all since it was so cold and we didn’t get much rest the night before so I literally could not keep my eyes open I definitely needed more rest. We went to Ihop to get breakfast but I just wasn’t feeling good so we stopped by the store to pick up some last minute things for thanksgiving and grab some medicine and headed back to the house where I layed in bed until about 5pm. I felt a bit better but I really wanted to go watch Hunger Games with him that night so we did! SUCH A GOOD MOVIE! The new one was such a thriller I loved it. I held onto him like a baby and kissed on him throughout the movie. 🙂

    Wednesday was more of a chill day for us overall. I just wanted to relax with him and continue to get to know him. Sometimes I’ll lay under him as he has his arm over me and just kiss him like that lol.

    We watched The Notebook that night just because it’s a cute movie and very love driven. I honestly haven’t watched the movie for like 4 years since I was last in a relationship because I always thought finding love like that was possible and as I grew older I realized that Hollywood just sells you that shit to believe it’s true but all it is, is a perfect story told so beautifully that you yearn for the same type of love.. Little did I know I found my Noah; Someone that loves me like crazy like Noah loved Allie in the movie. He had never seen the movie so I’m glad we got to watch it together.

    Thursday

    Was Thanksgiving!

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    We woke up around noon and hung out in the room before going out and helping everyone with cooking.

    I tried to make the experience the best I could because it was the first time I spent Thanksgiving with a different family. Joey was my family and Joey was the one who I spent thanksgiving with for the past 2-3 years. Last year was the first one I spent with my mom in YEARS. Spending Thanksgiving with a completely different family was a bit nerve racking to say the least but I’m truly grateful they accepted me with open arms. There was no hostility or being treated like I needed to earn anyone’s acceptance which was super calming because I really do mean well with everything I do.

    Nicks and his friend Jens
    Cassandra and Danielle

    They all had no idea I was snapping photos of them as they were all cooking and talking and such. I just wanted to make everything memorable and show that I cared about spending the holiday with them so it was a form of appreciation for having me.

    We played this game called heads up for about an hour that was kind of like charades. It was really fun, I saw a ton of kids at Disneyland playing it while they waited in line for the rides lol.

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    Little baby Abigail!!! Love her so much!!!

    We headed out around 5:30 to go meet my family at my cousin Claudia’s place in North Hollywood. I wanted Nick to meet them and I wanted them to meet him as well because my family’s approval is very much so needed as well. This was the first Thanksgiving in yearsssss I spent with my aunt and cousins. We talked about everything at the table from family members to what we were all doing with our lives these days and it was great to have everyone interacting with Nick. I get allot of my ways from my family in the sense that we’re all very accepting and loving people. Every conversation we had Nick was included in and not left out or treated like he wasn’t there which was great because I know how that feels.

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    Leslie my heart ❤ 🙂
    My aunt/godmother
    My cousin Diana
    Wil and Claudia my cousin
    Me and Nick ❤
    Me my aunt Vilma, Leiani (leslies daughter) and Nick 🙂
    Diana, Leslie, Nick, and I

    We got back home around midnight which was awesome because I wanted to spend time with Nick the last night I was there so I wanted to watch another one of my all time favorite movies ever… That’s right, Moulin Rouge! My ultimate favorite movie lol. That movie is the definition of everything I invision love to be in my mind. Nick hates musicals but actually ended up really liking the movie. 🙂

    This year I’m thankful for my friends and family who have kept me afloat when I’ve felt even slightly weak at times. They’ve kept me strong and anytime I need to talk about something my friends and family are always there for me. I’m thankful for having a job and for being able to pursue the things I want to do and for the fact that this year was truly an amazing one with very little drama. Going towards the end of this year is when I met Nick and I’m definitely grateful for him so much. He’s shown me what love really is from the other side. I truly always thought I’d be single forever just because I was so comfortable being single and I always felt like the perfect ending in my mind was just a fantasy. I never truly thought for a second that there really could be someone out there that would love me and be crazy about me until I met Nick. I always felt I never needed anyone because I like my freedom and not having to answer to anyone. But when I met him I realized that I could actually have the happy ended I always envisioned with someone who truly loves me the same way I love them.. So he’s someone I’m definitely thankful for, for showing me a different side of life.

    IMG_0831

    Friday

    Was the worst day ever! Just because I had to leave that day…

    IMG_0855

    I woke up around 11 and layed with Nick the entire hour until I have to leave around noon.. It truly was sad for me because the past 4 days I spent with him were such a bonding experience.

    It was a moment of reflecting on everything we had done on my stay there this time. We talked about everything on the car drive to the house when we went out, we talked about the future and things we wanted to do and places we wanted to visit. Talked about how much fun Disney Land was and how much of a sweet heart he is for taking me and showing me the best time ever..

    On the drive home I started to cry allot and I couldn’t understand why? I mean, I was legit sobbing and I was racking my brain trying to figure out why. I knew it was because I missed him already and hated the fact I had to leave more than anything but I knew I’d be seeing him again and that everything would be ok. It was just one of those moments of clarity again. I realized I was crying because I’ve never had someone love me the way he does and show me so much care and affection like he does… I realized that moment that I truly do love him. I really do..

    No matter what I get upset about or angry over he understands my frustration and instead of turning it into something combative he calmly expresses his concern about my feelings and that is someone worth keeping for sure. It helps bring me back down to the ground and relax and I love him for that beyond what words can express.. Somehow someway he has managed to figure out why I get frustrated about certain things and is able to managed the wild fires I can start.

    I know I talk about him allot and lately have posted more pictures of he and I and I hope it doesn’t make anyone who is single feel bad or feel like I’m rubbing it in everyone’s face. I just really don’t see him enough so when I do I take full advantage of showing everyone how amazing he is and how happy I am to be with him and share all types of beautiful experiences with him.

    But that concludes the 5 day venture of being in California from Novemeber 23rd-27th.

    I want to thank my friends for being so supportive of this new venture I’m on because it sounds like I have allot of friend approval and that is really important to me… So thank you friends for all those kind text messages and phone calls I get telling me how cute he and I look together and how happy some of you are for me. It really means allot 🙂

  • Trail of Love

    Trail of Love

    Poison

    So this week I took a little mini trip with my friend Meagan to California. She wanted to go see her friends and I wanted to go see the guy I’ve been talking to for the past 2 months.

    Meagan and I had planned the trip out about 3 weeks ago and I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea at first because we were only going for the day and then coming home the next night but let me tell you…. It was well worth it!

    Meagan being funny
    Meagan being funny

    The night before I was talking with Nick telling him how much I loved him and how great Monday was going to be for both of us. He said he had an idea I might be coming out because of how I was hinting everything but wasn’t sure. So on the drive there we were telling each other how much we missed each other and that’s exactly what I wanted to make the surprise that much more better.

    So, Meagan wanted me to drop her off with her friend in the valley so that I can have my time with the boy and she can go do her thing with her friends which worked. So I drove to Bakersfield after dropping her off. All I could think about was how excited I was to see him. The closer I reached the town the more I could feel my heart getting ready to just jump out of my chest. When I parked I had so much adrenaline and anxiety because I missed him so much. I hadn’t seen him since he was last in Vegas (36) days and it was killing me so the feeling of being there at that moment just getting ready to see him was the craziest feeling ever. I had to record the moment so here’s the video I made.

    It was shitty because there were so many people in the restaurant that I didn’t wanna look like a crazy person walking around with my video on recording lol. But you can tell in the tone of his voice how happy he was to see me. He hugged me so tight and it was the best feeling ever because it was a reminder of just how much he cares about me and his excitement to see me. I realized why I drove out there, because seeing him happy is just worth it. I don’t care about distance because if there’s a will then there’s a way.

    I’ve truly never experienced something like this ever. I’ve never loved someone the way I love him and the way he loves me back. Everything is mutual and everything is still going so strong. Although… for the past week or 2 I’ve had my doubts because I’m not sure if I’m ready to see someone since I’m not exactly where I want to be in life and a bunch of other fears I have so we talked a couple of nights ago because I went out there and he explained to me how he feels about me and that I have nothing to worry about and just overall made me feel safe…. That’s all I’ve ever wanted, someone to make me feel loved, cared for and safe. Someone to take away my fears and pain from my past relationships and to show me the good that’s out there. I haven’t found that in the past 4 years until now.. That’s what really pushed me and fueled me to drive out there just to see his face and tell him I love him and spend time with him. I didn’t have much in my wallet and I didn’t have much to splurge but I don’t care because the experience and the feeling is the only thing I care for.

    SO

    That night I booked us a room in Bakersfield where we could stay. Since the trip was pretty spontaneous and I did show up uncalled for I wasn’t trying to impose myself in anyone’s home so I just booked a room down the street where we could stay in and just hang out for the night. I stayed in a hotel called Hotel Rosedale and it honestly wasn’t that bad but then again I don’t care for stuff like that. As long as the bed doesn’t have bed bugs I’m fine lol. You can tell it was an older building but wasn’t bad. We spent the night talking and watching Family Guy on the television and just cuddling and such. I’m not big on cuddling never have been but with him I love it because his arms are big and he can hold me like a baby lol.

    The next day I woke up when he left for school at 6:45am and just layed there since I couldn’t sleep after that so I got up to eat breakfast at like 8:30 because the hotel had free breakfast until 10am so I went to go eat and went back to the room and passed out again until 12. He texted me and told me what time check out was and my stupid ass thought it was the following day! So I packed everything quick and got out of there! I went to his place to pick him up so we could visit his mom in the hospital since she had knee surgery. From there we headed down to LA to pick up Meagans bitch ass so we could go eat and head to the beach!

    We ate tacos and listened to Meagan tell us all about her wildest sex fantasies and all the hot stuff she wants to try. She’s the best when it comes to story telling lol.

    My "Horchatta motha fucka!" face
    My “Horchatta motha fucka!” face

    I’ve NEVER walked the beach with someone at night. I’ve always felt it’s a romantic thing to do as a couple and I’ve been single for well 4 YEARS so I wanted to change that. Although he and I don’t exactly have a title yet I know he’s the one I want so I wanted to share that moment with him and let me just say, it was the best part of the trip. We talked and held hands and walked the beach and the pier. Getting to know one another more and talk about what we want to do in the future and all that good stuff.

    It’s moments like these that give me meaning to life. That help fuel me more with love and care. It’s moment like these worth living for. Tomorrow if I died, I want to know that whether I was broke or wealthy, that work didn’t control me and that I always followed my heart wherever it took me. I know it’s only been 2 months but when I’m with Nick it feels as if he’s someone I once knew and just fell out of touch with. As if talking with him was meant to be. He makes me feel the emotions I’ve never truly felt for someone before, he brings them out without doing anything just being himself. I’ll forever be grateful for the feeling because it’s one you find and completely feel once in a life time.

    The beach was absolutely breath taking.
    The beach was absolutely breath taking.

    Painted Love

    “He slipped into bed on a cold and windy night when everyone was asleep. He layed still with his eyes closed trying to listen to what his heart was saying to him. Something about this night and the feeling he had in his heart was stranger to every other night. His heart had began again to grow fonder for another other than the familiar. He felt as if the thorns that once surrounded it from hurt had been ripped.. His head and heart were working together accordingly to let him know what he was feeling. Shortly after, his mind began to paint pictures of his emotions.

    He kept his eyes closed and relaxed seeing his mind paint pictures with beautiful bright colored sceneries of the world. His heart was feeling so it fueled thoughts of affection and adoration. His heart began to make a space big enough to fill for the one it was choosing.

     As his thoughts delve deeper, so did his feelings.. Who knows who truly put us here on this planet, who knows if there’s other life forms, who knows if there’s anything beyond the stars and planets. What he did know is that at that present moment where he stood in life and who had presented themselves to him was who his heart chose.

    That feeling of uncertainty and fear faded into black and slowly but surely, love had eventually made its way back into light and the space in his heart that was made and been left empty for some time, had finally been big enough for the one it had chose..

    The feeling of love had ultimately triumphed as it was bound to.“

  • New Beginning’s

    New Beginning’s

    Photographer: Rodney Logan

    So there’s allot that’s been going on lately.

    For starters I started to go back to school for math to brush up on my skills and hopefully go back next year for hair. You mainly need chemistry for hair but if math ever comes up I need to know how to look at a problem and be able to solve it accordingly so I wanted to make sure I was going to understand it now as an adult. It was something I truly never understood in school and I was definitely not self disciplined in school to pay attention and treat school like work so I always failed the class so this time around I decided to go back to re-learn some things in case I ever need to know it in the future.

    So far it’s been going awesome and I’ve been working really really hard to learn more and more. It’s super difficult at times but I’m slowly getting the hang of it

    Another big event that has happened is I met someone… I met someone that I’m so happy with it’s unreal. Everything is still in the getting to know each other phase but it feels like it’s turning into something more quickly. Not exactly committed yet but it feels good to know that I have someone to talk to late at night that actually cares about me and gives me time out of their day to talk and tell me how much they care about me as much as I care for them. There’s always plenty of time to get together and fall in love so I try and just take things day at a time and see where they lead.

    I firmly believe in getting to know someone as much as you can before committing to them because there’s plenty you need to learn about the person you’re involving yourself with and you definitely don’t want to look like a fool if they’re not as great as you thought they’d be. I’ve been single 4 years and want to make sure the next person I get into a relationship with is going to treat me a million times better than the past assholes.

    Not to mention since I have been single for so long, I really don’t want to fuck things up by doing something stupid or saying the wrong thing. Its been 4 years of the single life and doing and saying whatever I want without a care of what someone might say because I don’t have anyone to answer to. So I’m re-introducing myself to a relationship to make sure when I do decide to get into one then I’ll have the tools I need to try really make things work. I might be overthinking things and making a much bigger deal about it then what it should be but I just know myself well enough to know what I might end up doing or saying that might not be right so I’m teaching myself the ways around everything and how to really make someone happy.

    Either way, here he is 🙂

    His names Nick and I want everyone to meet him because he’s definitely a special one. One of the best people I’ve ever met and I hope to go further with. He definitely seems worth it and that is not easy for me to say. ❤

    Another big thing that happened is I moved back in with my mom for the time being. The person I was living with things just didn’t work out with. I normally care for people allot and can take allot of shit but there’s just things you don’t say to people because you learn as a  HUMAN growing up to show respect to people.

    The way I was spoken to that day I will never forget and I will never speak to him again because no matter how mad you are at someone there’s lines you do not cross and if they continue to cross them it’s because they could give a fuck and care more about their own feelings. So I was done. I called my mom that day and asked her if I could come back for awhile because I couldn’t be in the house another second. She of course didn’t mind, if it were for her I would live at home forever and never leave but living on your own teaches you allot and that’s what I liked.

    I blocked all forms of communication on the way to my moms and that was the end of that. NEVER again putting myself in a situation as bad as that.

    It’s definitely great to be home and to be back with my momma meow meow! and ephemera. School is out in 2 weeks and I’m hoping I pass the test because it’ll determine if I need more classes or if I’m good. So we’ll see!

    For now. I couldn’t be any happier and I have a great feeling about this winter coming up.

    Stay tuned! 😀

  • Suicide Prevention Week

    So it’s suicide prevention week and I wante to take this moment to really talk about it and how its affected me so instead of writing a blog I decided to make a video talking about how I feel about the subject and how I feel about love and how to overcome losing someone.

    In the video I start talking about love and what makes me who I am because I want people to understand that losing a loved one doesn’t mean there isn’t love everywhere. It’s in wherever you find it whether it be with family, a group of friends, or even being up in the mountains loving and appreciating life and nature for what it is. That’s what I consider love and happiness.

    Watch if you’re interested ❤

  • A Different Form of Love

    A Different Form of Love

    So tonight my roommate and I Jorge watched this movie called “If I Stay” and I must say to start this off, yes it was super fucking sad lol.

    If I Stay
    If I Stay

    The movie is about this girl who has a passion for playing Cello and she and her parents get into a car accident and the people who love her like her friends and family all come to talk to her in the hospital to help her heal and so on.

    It was really touching because it really makes you think about the people you care about and what if that happened to you. Like most movies they get into your head and make you think about situations like this. I like to think of them as “what would you do situations” because they’re deep thoughts.

    After the movie was over Jorge and I got to talking about things that have happened to us in the past. He opened up again about his past and the things he went through as a kid and I told him the things I went through as well.

    He asked me if I’ve ever been in love and I told him yes and then he asked me again and it made me think. I feel like I have with the first REAL boyfriend I ever had but there was more bad than good in that relationship so it’s really hard to say. I want to say yes but I want to say no. With how much I’m going back n fourth thinking about it I’d say no..

    I have a different form of love now that I’m older. The more I think about love, the more I think about all the places I want to visit and all the beautiful places in the world that some people don’t ever get to see whether because it’s money or just busy with work. The main question many of my friends ask me is “Are you ever afraid of not meeting the right person” my response is fuck no. I have a loving family and loving friends and I’ve said it before. That’s all the love I really need in my life because it’s more then anyone could ask for.

    My form of love is by finding all the beautiful places in the world and falling in love with them; to fall in love with nature. If I find the perfect person to share these beautiful experiences with and be together forever with then I’d truly be blessed and I would want to share that with them. I just feel like me personally, I have to be strong independently and by being strong I mean I have to treat myself to all the beautiful things in life first so that if I ever meet the wrong person then I can say I visited all these great places first. I don’t want to share beautiful things with someone that will tarnish the experience for me forever.. I think that’s what I’m afraid of the most; someone fucking my beautiful experiences up.

    I view my love life as a precious forest or jungle.

    There’s those forests with huge beautiful trees that aren’t touched. There’s all types of wild animals and waterfalls but all it takes is one person to cut a tree down to bring in reinforcements and take apart its beauty because they want to use it for personal reasons or just destroy it. I don’t want that in my life so I’m extremely selective with who I allow in my life. I’m welcoming to all but very few get to really know me. I like to show my friends the beauty life has to offer and the laughs it provides when things get tough. That’s why I feel allot of people come to me when they’re going through a breakup or are just feeling down because I’m never really sad at all. I get lonely but I’m not lonely. I just wish some people would understand where I’m coming from with some things but it seems it’s really difficult for some people to move on or appreciate life for what it is without being in a relationship type of thing.

    Love to me isn’t necessarily a touch or a kiss but a brush of wind against me or that deep feeling of appreciation for life itself you get when you see beautiful mountain’s formed in such a unique way.

    If I were the only person left on earth with no one else in it and never got to experience love then the only thing I’d be left with is nature and nature alone. I tend to always put my mind in isolated situations like this so that I can fully grasp what I want to make out of my life and which direction I want to go when something like love occurs.

    Loves everywhere in my opinion. ❤

  • Kabuki Show Las Vegas

    Kabuki Show Las Vegas

    So August 15th I went to see the Kabuki show at The Bellagio in Vegas.

    Every half an hour the Bellagio does a fountain show in front of the casino but this time they built a stage in the center of the water and put a show on!

    Kabuki is a very old art form of theater and if you’re interested you can read what a Kabuki show is and means on the Wikipedia site Here because I could go on forever explaining it.

    and

    You can read what it took and how it was brought to Vegas Here by Las Vegas Sun

    I was able to go after work since they had 2 show times

    9:15pm and 11:30pm

    I made it to the 11:30 showing and managed to get 2nd row viewing so I was pretty close but it was still a little difficult zooming in enough to make sure no one was in my focus. I was standing for a good hour so my feet hurt SO BAD the next day. Not to mention there was another photographer standing next to me taking a ton of photos as well so it was kind of hard to get the right picture with people in the way. The photos still came out amazing though! At least I felt they looked amazing lol.

    It was so insane how packed the show was for being outside! Everyone was wrapped around the entire wall where the show was going on even from behind! It was so cool though to see how many people it brought out. When I would drive to work and pass by I remember seeing them build something in the water and at first I got really excited because I thought The Bellagio was going to permanently put a show on in the water but it was just for the weekend.

    It was something spectacular I’ve never seen before honestly. I’ve seen plenty of Cirque shows and not one has ever disappointed me and although this wasn’t a Cirque Du Soleil show it still had the same vibe as one would. The colors in the water were so vivid and is what truly got me to enjoy the show. It made it way more interesting because of how they added the graphics to the flow of the water. The water show was going on behind the act and truly gave it such a larger than life feel. Something so surreal. I hope that this comes back to Vegas again because it was something I am truly thankful for being able to experience hope many locals were able to make it out to see.

  • Multi-Level Love

    Multi-Level Love

    Hanging out with my baby Ephemera <3
    Hanging out with my baby Ephemera ❤

    So my roommate was out of town for 2 weeks and I was super bored since I was the only one in the house. It was different to have the house all to myself again. I don’t mind being alone, I enjoy the quite because it helps me talk to myself and become aligned with myself and make sure my mental stability is still firm.

    SO to begin all of this, my little Alexis graduated from Kindergarten to the first grade! So so proud of her. This little girl is seriously so smart and so lively. She is way active for her age and pays attention to everything around her. Her energy is amazing and she is definitely a powerhouse. I love her with all my being. All those nights I would go to my moms house to help her do her homework really payed off. She’s my little star and I want to make sure she’s destined for the spotlight because she definitely shines from the outside and in my heart.

    Things have just been going really well these past couple of weeks. As some of you know I went to California for a quick trip before my roommate left out of town to go visit friends and family for 3 days and went to the beach since I’ve been wanting to go for like, months. I definitely needed to get out of town and just go enjoy myself so I did. I visited some of my favorite restaurants and some of the clubs out there, almost got into a fight and definitely drank allot lol.

    I brought over my niece and nephew to go swimming last Tuesday since they don’t get out much and it was great to see them!

    I took them swimming then made them dinner and when my mom came to pick them up we went to the club house to watch a movie in the mini theater room we have at my complex. They were sooooo happy and so excited to be over. When I was cooking Alexis came to the kitchen and says “uncle Brian I want the table to look really really nice” so I said ok and set the table very nicely for us to eat. They HATED the olive oil and vinaigrette bread dip though. Their faces were hilarious when they took the first bite. They both chugged their juice like they had ate a jalapeno and it was hysterical to watch to say the least lol.

    Something else big that happened was the fact I shot for Q Vegas a gay magazine here in Vegas. I did the photos for a DJ out here by the name of DJ Lisa Pittman who I worked with years ago when I was still doing the So Crush events. Shooting for cover was major for me because I’ve never shot for a magazine and I didn’t know what to expect or anything but I feel I did a great job. I’m just really happy that my photography is going in a really really good direction. I couldn’t have hoped for anything better. I know now that this is definitely the direction I need to take with my life. With how quickly things are moving I can very well be somewhere big with it in 3 years. By the time I’m 27 I want to already be doing something huge with it. Like I’ve stated before, I want to work with something like National Geographic or something else along those lines where I can travel and go places to take photos all sorts of different animals and locations. I like the outdoors and I like hiking and exploring so I feel it would be a perfect fit.

    Q-Vegas June 2015 https://gay.vegas/qvegas/issue/the-hashtag-issue
    Q-Vegas June 2015
    https://gay.vegas/qvegas/issue/the-hashtag-issue

    Lately I’ve felt a little out of touch with some things. I feel fine most days but there’s certain days I question why I’ve been single for so long or why I confuse myself or feel unsure about other and so on.

    The whole thing about Joey gets to me on some rainy days. When I have certain talks about him or I’m feeling out of place I feel it becomes more apparent where my emotions stand.

    I just notice everyone has a certain group they hang out with and I don’t really have that and I’ve said it before but it just becomes more apparent when I get lonely. I only really hung out with Joey and either hung out with my friends or I’d hang with him and his friends when we would go out. So I just kind of feel a bit out of place.

    I feel like I’m a very intuitive person and sometimes life will push me to talk to certain people for whatever reason. It’s hard to explain. Like, it feels almost like someone from the other side is pushing me to talk to someone I might know or be close to or really care about. So I feel like people from the other side push me to talk to the ones they care for for whatever reason. Like when Joey passed away I promised I wouldn’t abandon his sisters and till this day there’s times I’ll text Tawnee out of the blue and let her know I love her or see what she’s doing so we can talk and all that.

    I recently went to lunch with my chiropractor Teddy who lost his husband Dean about 2 years ago.. Teddy and I were supposed to go to lunch when my roommate Jorge went out of town about 2 months ago but things fell through because of our schedules so we didn’t go. His 2 years of losing his husband just passed and I just kept getting a strong pull from him like I could tell he was bothered by the thought of it so I wanted to just talk to him to see how he’s coping with everything. As a friend I wanted to see how he was doing because I felt like lately he has definitely needed the “Dean talk” to see how Teddy is dealing with it all at this moment.

    I know Teddy has a hard time dealing with his loss like any human being would. I don’t want to say much out of respect because it’s not my story to tell and I hope one day he’ll open up and hopefully blog about his story so that people could really learn from him and see how everything affected him and how he’s coping.

    Some stuff I've left on Teddy's wall lol.
    Some stuff I’ve left on Teddy’s wall lol.

    I just told him my method of coping with my losses from last year and what I feel he should do. I never wanted him to think that what I’m saying is what he should do I just wanted to speak to him directly and strictly from my heart because I love Teddy and want him to know I care for him first and foremost. I truly felt like Dean was trying to tell him something through me and the people that love Teddy and for some reason I just felt my intuition leading me again. Even when I was talking to him I didn’t feel like I got everything out that I should of said, I still feel like I missed something I should of said, whatever that may be. Maybe it’s saved for another day? I think there’s allot that his husband wish he could say to Teddy but obviously can’t and it’s heartbreaking because I could relate to that feeling…

    The more I talked to him about Joey and what helped me get through it a bit; the more I realized that I’ve said allot of how I feel already in many letters I’ve wrote here on my blog.. I’ve poured out so much emotion that for now I think I’m ok.. I know what it’s like to lose very important people and learning how to cope with it all is very important not just to my mental and physical health so I don’t become depressed but for everyone. After a certain amount of time I had to disconnect my head from my heart to make sure I just stayed mental and not emotional. Of course I get my sad days where both heart and mind coincide to help me mourn a little but overall I’ve managed to gain control of my emotions again so I can remain uplifted and strong…

    sort of….

    Losing someone isn’t like a relationship that didn’t work and you moved on or something you got bored of and disposed and moved on. Losing someone you truly love whether it be friend or lover that your heart cares for is the ultimate heartbreak.. There is no getting over and being strong.. There’s only learning to dissect the problem in every way possible.. To completely dig within yourself and break down every wall and gather every emotion you felt for that person and everything you did and put it out in the open so that you can grow and move forward without feeling staggered or sad because you think about it too much…

    It’s like hitting a punching bag.

    Have you ever watched those movies where people get so frustrated and don’t know how to handle it so they start punching at a punching bag like crazy and start crying? It’s like that. You just punch away at emotions so that when you’ve completely exhausted yourself with them you can just say “ok I’m ready to mend a little more now.”

    No one said it’d be easy, just worth it.

    The moral of it all is that love never dies and you never truly get over someone you cared for passing away you just have to learn to deal with it in a healthy manner and if you don’t know how, I recommend you ask someone you trust with your business to really help you through it.

    At the end of the day, life is amazing, life is so much fun and can be such an incredible experience with the right people in your life and how much of an adventurous individual you are alone. Be your own best friend

    and again this is all my opinion and I may be wrong but this is all what I stand by and this is all that has helped me process everything correctly in my own head.

    Life has been treating me well lately. There have been allot of challenges for me recently but I’m getting through it and I’m still happy :).

    Quote of the Day

    “Life is like driving: If you drive reckless you’ll get into an accident. If you drive too slow it’ll take too long to get where you’re going, if you drive at speed limit you’re sure to get where you’re going and if you drive fast you’ll get there quicker then most. But sometimes accidents you didn’t cause will happen to you and this is where people ask WHY. Why did this happen to me why this why that when in reality all you have to do is look at the situation and see what it is you need to take from it so you can grow and understand the way life works. That’s life”

  • Wanderlust

    Hiking the Narrows at Zion. This was a little mini waterfall in the trail.
    Hiking the Narrows at Zion. This was a little mini waterfall in the trail.

    So this month has been another event filled one with just a bunch of things happening.

    If you guys read my previous post I wrote a letter to Joey for his one year of passing away and how I went with some friends to Mountain Zion to get away.

    Zion has always been one of my favorite places to go to that’s close by for the simple fact that It’s so huge and there’s so fucking much to see there. It’s worth the drive and worth the experience.

    I explored a new trail and will be going with some friends again in a couple of weeks to explore the further trail of the narrows that I’ve been wanting to hike. Its taken me so long to post the photos because editing photos is seriously a pain in the ass and I have to go in one by one to see which ones I like and don’t like to post.

    But as I’ve stated previously; Zion was amazing and is definitely a place I recommend for everyone to visit ESPECIALLY if you have kids. It’s one of the top national parks you can visit in the US and is located in Utah. It’s also located near Bryce Canyon which is a very well known national park and highly recommended amongst many.

    A couple of weeks after that my friend Amy from Vancouver came to town so we went to have drinks when I got off work and met a group of people at Vesper bar. This guy came up to us and asked if he could take the ash tray but Amy was smoking so we said no so he just put his cigarette out and apologized for interrupting our chat but he started talking to us more and introduced himself. His name was Stephen and he was super super nice and wanted to continue hanging out with us so he said he would go grab his wife and come back. I had a feeling he was telling the truth for some reason and so he was because he came back and brought first a friend of his that he met at Caesars Palace and then he brought over his wife. These people were so cool. Celena works at Caesars Palace and one of the girls works at Rose. Rabbit. Lie at the same casino I work at (Cosmo) and Stephen and his wife Beth lived in Arizona. It was a very fun group we were with because everyone was very energetic and fun loving. The energy definitely stayed at a constant and we were there until 2:30am! lol

    I was going hiking the day after at 9am with the people I used to kick box with so I didn’t exactly regret going out the night before because I had so much fun but MAN DID I PAY FOR IT DEARLY..

    Kris and his bf, me, Katrina, Michael, Jocelyn and her momma, and Rachael! :)
    Kris and his bf, me, Katrina, Michael, Jocelyn and her momma, and Rachael! 🙂

    I had a couple one to many drinks and only had 2 hours of sleep. I didn’t cancel on my friends because I knew I’d have allot of fun and I definitely needed a day away from town to get away and get lost. I got to learn so much about my friend Rachael who was my tough mudder and training buddy in kick boxing. We exchanged family stories and similarities and it was the quickest I’ve connected with someone in awhile on such a personal level. The conversation just flowed exactly the way it was supposed to. Everyone had a friend to hike with so even though we were all in a big group, on the way back down Rachael and I kind of walked ahead to talk about some really personal family situations we’re both in and it was great. You could actually hear the wind up there and it created a sound barrier to make conversation more intimate. It helped me understand why some people even go hiking in general. You lose yourself in the mountains, you forget about stress and problems and lose yourself in the way that nature has to offer. For me it was the wind that day. It was really cold up there but actually listening to the wind blow through the trees created a sound that only in the mountains you can hear. In a city the wind sounds harsh more like a blow horn because of buildings and structures. In the mountains the wind sounded pretty, sort of like when you grab a stick and wack it through the air really quick and you hear the quickness of it. It sounded like that but slowed down. It was peaceful to me. It was good to see everyone again and exchange funny stories and jokes.

    So that concludes those 24 hours!

    My roommate has been out of town for a couple of days now and doesn’t come back until next weekend and it’s kinda quite around here.

    As many of my friends know I moved out beginning of March because of family issues. My mother and I are very very close but my sister and I can’t exactly live together we’ll say… It’s always been an on going struggle with her trying to help her so once again I’m stepping aside and letting my mom deal with it however she needs to..

    One thing I will say about siblings having problems is… It’s hard.. It’s hard having family go through tough fucked up shit because all you want to do is help but it seems like the more you help the worse the problem gets. It’s even harder when it comes to a point where someone doesn’t exactly want to be helped until they actually reach out and get it professionally.

    I don’t think people exactly realize that life changes, things change every single day. Dating has gotten harder, stereotypes have changed, music styles, just about everything. From my perspective observing all of this is; when you don’t adjust to these new ways you get stuck asking “why?” why are things getting harder? or you’re left feeling unwanted and unloved or feeling out of place. Well there comes a point you have to stop asking and just accept and be worried about yourself. You don’t have to conform to a new world or anything you don’t approve of but you should be aware of what is happening in order to live life more concerned for yourself and not about the world. For example; online dating and apps have made people become disposable and has turned many into narcissists.

    Regardless of how the world shapes and becomes I feel like we’re all memories. When we die the memories we made and the places we visited are what will make our legend worth listening to. The things you went through, who you helped, who you were there for. Money doesn’t mean shit to me. Money comes and goes and the one thing you want to do is leave an impression on people that’s why I’m always so so loving towards all my friends because if anything ever happened to me I would want them to all know I loved them dearly and not have anyone question that. Love doesn’t cost anything and it’s what I give most of. That’s just who I am. I prefer to not be in a relationship but to be wild and free and constantly meet new people.

    Only reason I’m talking on such a personal level is because lately I’ve just been running into so many people with problems about life and relationships and it sounds like the same reoccurring problem and they don’t realize that it’s just the way people are now days.

    But that concludes my whole venture this month with hiking and hanging out with friends! Next month I plan on going to California but we’ll see!

    Quote of the Day

    “Just because the world continues to change doesn’t mean you have to. You don’t have to become what it becomes because you’ll become like everyone else. Just learn to live more comfortably and remain the same. Your individuality is much more appreciated.

  • Dear Joey

    Dear Joey,

    It’s been exactly a year that you’ve been gone..

    I’m not quite sure to go about writing this letter because I wish I could sit you in front of me and tell you how I really feel and express it but this is the best I could do these days.

    To say the least..

    I miss you

    I guess now would be the time to tell you what all has happened and how I’ve felt since you’ve been gone for a whole year.

    After you passed I went a little crazy within my own head.. Although you and I weren’t exactly as close leading up to your death you were still my best friend and I still loved you very much.

    I’m still sorry if I couldn’t be there for you more and I’m sorry it took me awhile to get close to you again after what all happened.. I just wasn’t sure how to get close so I remained distant..

    After you passed away I did allot of things to test my endurance. I ran more and wanted to see how mentally and physically strong I am so I continued taking my kick boxing and did a Tough Mudder event where I ran 12 miles and did 25+ obstacle courses. I wrote allot and got out into nature and went hiking more. I took more photos to help me express how I feel about life. I wanted to find things to stay busy and out of trouble but that wasn’t the case..

    Although I did so much to get my mind off things all of this still affected me in the hardest way. Although I still had fun and my friends were all there for me I just couldn’t feel.. I felt very numb and that’s never happened.. I tried burying myself in people to feel loved and cared for and in the end it completely back fired on me… I felt uncared for and felt very lonely so I started making mistakes and bad decisions… My anxiety went wild and I got fucked over in the worst way imaginable by someone. I won’t talk about it but it helped bring me back to reality and realize that no matter how much things suck and how much it hurts I have to keep going.. I’ve learned allot of self respect these days and stay busy as much as possible. I don’t go out much unless it’s someone’s birthday really.

    I’m living with Jorge now whom we spent thanksgiving with 2 years ago. He’s a good friend, I could see why you guys were friends. Sometimes late at night around 1-2am I’ll go to the club house and watch a movie in the theater room since I know no one will be in there. The movie theater room is my favorite. Jorge has been helping me through a tough patch in life since I left home.

    I still feel a little lonely and I still feel without much of a place in life but I’m trying, and I’m trying to build something solid for myself so I can have my own space to call home and be successful like I want to be. It’s just taking time and I’m having to jump high hurdles. I know things would be allot easier with you around because you and I could relate on so much and the way you spoke about things helped me give a shit less about little things and just live life. I miss how alive you were and how much you just liked to have fun.

    I talk to Tawnee allot and I try to be there for her as much as possible because I know she misses you like you can’t imagine.

    I wish you were here still..

    I’ll never forget you and I’ll always do whatever I can to make sure you stay alive and people know who you were and what you stood for.. I light candles and pray for you as often as I can. You’re still my best friend and there’s so many times I go out and so many things still remind me of you and if I think too much on it it’ll make me really sad and I’ll have to go home because I’ll get really upset. My heart still hurts from all this and I’m learning to cope but things aren’t getting easier right now..

    I did a suicide prevention walk just so I could do something for you just to show you I love you and care about you still and that I’m not forgetting you.

    Yesterday me and my friends Cara and Scott went up to Zion. I’m in this really ugly ass rental and since I have to work today I figured I should really just get out of the house and go somewhere far to let my mind settle a little.

    So I was driving Tuesday from the rental car place when it just struck me that I’m in a rental and should go to Zion with it and fuck the miles up a bit so I did. We got a really late start to hike because it’s always so packed there ESPECIALLY WITH CHILDREN. So we managed to find parking 30 min after we had already gotten there so we didn’t start hiking until about 2:30pm but it was ok because the sun was still out and the day was still nice.

    I felt like we all took more selfies and photos of the trail more then we actually hiked lol.

    We hiked this trail which is called the narrows and I’ve always wanted to do it because it’s a water trail and when you reach the end of the mile you can float down the river, it’s so cool. Once the mile is over there’s another trail you can pick up from the narrows that can take you further and that’s like 6-8 hours of water hiking but I’ve seen the photos online of it and it’s beautiful. Maybe next time we go if it’s really early we can do that one.

    It was a trail I really wanted to hike because it is a water one after all and it was fun just really cold! I was hopping around the water trying not to fall. We had lunch on this big rock that was surrounded by these stacks of rocks people had put there.

    I completely forgot about everything yesterday. I forgot about my problems I forgot about work I forgot about stress. You were the only thing I could think about because today is your 1 year of passing and it’s really personal for me.. It’s hard to really let you go and to not cry for you because I have so many of my moments but I know you’re around sometimes. I could feel you watching me sometimes. I know there’s things you do to direct me in certain directions because only you know me well enough to lead me in certain ways.

    Today was just a big day for me as well because it’s not only the day you passed away but it’s the day I chose to want to live.

    So to end this miss you letter I just want you to know Joey that you were my everything, you meant the world to me and you still do..

    I’m really sad and I’ve been crying all day but I’ll be ok, I know I will.

     Everything takes time to deal with so I know things are taking a little more time with me but I’ll get through it.

    I love you, I miss you and I’ll never forget you. Today starts a whole new chapter in my life and I want to make sure I move in the right direction. I hope you’re well and I hope God is leading you more towards light and forgiving you.

    I’ll see you soon..

    -Brian

    “Don’t make me sad, don’t make me cry
    Sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough, I don’t know why
    Keep making me laugh
    Let’s go get high
    The road is long, we carry on
    Try to have fun in the meantime.”

  • AFSP (American Foundation for Suicide Prevention) Walk

    AFSP (American Foundation for Suicide Prevention) Walk

    AFSP
    AFSP

    So yesterday was the AFSP (American Foundation for Suicide Prevention) walk at the park over by my moms house in Centennial.

    Got my shirt! In order to have received this shirt I needed to raise $150 and I did! Thank you to everyone who donated because it helped me get this shirt that I can now keep as remembrance of the walk.
    Got my shirt! In order to have received this shirt I needed to raise $150 and I did! Thank you to everyone who donated because it helped me get this shirt that I can now keep as remembrance of the walk.

    Not sure if many of my friends know I walked it but I did! I promoted really last minute because I found out late about the walk. I managed to set up a page in time and donate the EXACT amount I needed to get my shirt for the walk! ($150)

    Let me just say it was truly a moving experience…

    Here people posted photos of the people they lost.
    Here people posted photos of the people they lost.

    I woke up at 8am, got dressed quickly and just headed there since registration started at 9am and I wanted to take photos. I was supposed to meet my brother but he got sick and then my friend couldn’t make it anymore because she didn’t have a ride so I ended up doing the walk alone but I didn’t mind. It allowed me to just be more in tune with myself and with my thoughts. There were people there that had some really sad sad stories and there were SO MANY DOGS I could barely handle it.

    This girl who’s name was Ashley had lost her father to suicide when she was 18 and a couple years later her fathers brother committed suicide too.. She gave a speech about how it affected her and how she  coped with it and is dealing with. She was so strong about the situation and in a sense I could relate to the kind of days she has. She said that she doesn’t cry for him every day but she has what she called “I miss you days” where she’ll miss him more than other days.  It was extremely hard trying to keep it together because suicide I realized has really affected me and I take it so serious now after yesterday.

    My shirt and beads. The purple one stands for someone who has committed suicide and the blue is if you support the cause.
    My shirt and beads. The purple one stands for someone who has committed suicide and the blue is if you support the cause.

    As some of you may know my best best friend passed away last year to suicide and ever since its hurt me.. It hurts me because of all the why’s I ask now. Why did he do it, why didn’t he stop to think, why didn’t he just call me? We were so close and he was practically like a brother so I wish he would of just vented to me more. Losing him was like losing a part of myself and knowing that I’ll never get it back hurts even more..

    When I lost him; for the first time in my life I felt my mind and heart work together for once…

    I’ve always been disconnected to emotions by nature because I use my head to make decisions before I use my heart. I’m a very rational thinker and when I hurt I hurt bad so I protect my heart as much as possible. When I lost him for the first time I could just  FEEL my mind and heart work together.. My mind was telling me it’s ok we’re going to get through this and my heart was telling me it’s ok to hurt this time Brian so let it out.. The communication between both collided in a way I’ve never felt before. Why? Because I truly loved him to pieces he was the one person I related to with on so many levels. Any time I think about him too much I start crying and if I drink it becomes worse. It still feels fresh.. I’m not gonna say I cry for him all the time but I will say that I miss him and have days like Ashley, Miss you days. I just hope he was there with me at the walk because for some reason I just felt him behind me yesterday like he was there.

    Seeing everyone walking for their loved ones was very inspiring and touching because even though I was walking alone I didn’t feel alone. I felt united with them in such a sad/uplifting way. The people who run it said it was the biggest turn out Vegas has had so that was good!

    After the walk I went to my moms house to check on my brother and on the kids to see how they were doing. The house looked a complete and disgusting mess so I literally cleaned the entire thing.. I went to the store to pick up cleaning supplies and some extra food my mom needed.

    I swept I mopped I dusted for her and cleaned the bathrooms that so badly needed cleaning. I had my niece and nephew help me and I got to see my meow meow who I missed so much!

    My niece and Meow Meow!
    My niece and Meow Meow!

    I literally spent 3 hours cleaning that house and completely forgot I had work at 5 and I was there until almost 3:30! Where I live now is a 30 min drive. I was driving so fucking fast I was hoping I wouldn’t get pulled over. I was only driving so fast because I wanted to get fierce for work since it was the first day in weeks I didn’t have to work a double on a Saturday so I managed to get ready in 20 minutes which was a miracle I pulled off. I bolted out the door and went to work.

    Busted out the Moods of Norway.
    Busted out the Moods of Norway.

    I had a great day and I knew I was going to make sure it stayed that way and I did. Work was good the day was good and my outfit was TOO GOOD lol.

    So the day was overall good and I’m really glad that I did this suicide prevention walk.

    If you ever feel alone know you have me to talk to. No one should ever feel alone or without someone to talk to or suicidal. Life is such an amazing experience and life should be appreciated and lived to the fullest. Like I’ve said before, shit happens and bad things are always going to happen because that’s just the inevitable. It’s a matter of how much you notice the good in your life rather than the bad.

  • RAW Las Vegas: Grandeur event

    This week truly was a rough one….

    I have no idea what is in the air but there’s a ton of energy of all kinds. I’ve been feeling very emotional lately because of the fact Joey’s one year of passing away is April 2nd and the closer the date gets the more sad I become. I’ve been really upset about it all the past few weeks and just really trying to get myself together.

    As some of you might know, this past week I moved out of my moms due to family issues. I’m extremely close to my mom and don’t like to be away from her but there’s allot going on at home and my sister moved in whom I do not get along with at all.. I totally understand why my mom is helping her but I just personally can’t handle living with my sister. So I’ve been staying with my friend Jorge in the meantime and just getting my thoughts and life together more. Maybe it was time to leave? Either way its a shitty way to leave because of the fact that I didn’t really want to so I’m really sad about it… I can always visit her. It’s not like I’ll be living out of state I’ll just be 30 min away.

    So I moved out Thursday and that same day someone keyed my fucking car to hell…

    And that same day I had my event!!!!

    There are only 2 places this could have happened and it was at either Buffalo Wild Wings when I went to go eat at 2am or at my friend’s place in the morning but I don’t know… I tried getting video footage somehow but no one could pull up anything… The way I found out was because I went to go pick up more of my stuff at my moms place and my nephew pointed it out when we were loading the car up. I was in tears when I saw what had happened… Not because it’s a keyed car but because I literally have so much stuff to pay for with that car to have the 30,000 mile service done so this repair is setting me back so far… It just sucks… But it can be fixed so I’m taking it tomorrow to see what the auto body shop says and go from there. It’s better than having a car that doesn’t run. People are just fucking assholes. Whoever did that is seriously going to hell. That is some hateful ass fucking shit.

    After I saw it I couldn’t get over it but I kept loading my car up with more and more of my shoes and clothes I was taking. I had to fight back all the tears I wanted to cry and be strong because otherwise it would have ruined my night and I still had to go back to Jorge’s to get ready and head to the RAW event I was being a part of.

    Just go to that link and purchase a ticket under my name so you can be added to my guest list. <3

    Luckily I have an amazing circle of friends who showed up and supported me and checked the event out. It was seriously so much fun. I met so many people and I sold some of my photos! I’m going to be donating 30% of the makings to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. Any photos I sell in the future, I will be donating a certain percentage to the Foundation.

    Suicide has just personally touched me and I don’t think anyone should ever feel like they want to kill themselves because life is amazing. Life isn’t perfect no matter how much shit goes wrong you just have to keep going because life is going to be perfect and things are always going to happen whether they’re bad or good.

    But overall I had a blast at the show! It felt like my birthday lol. I took so many photos and just really had a great time. I completely forgot about the fact my car had gotten keyed and remembered to be strong about the whole situation and just appreciate where I am right now in life and how thankful I am to have just been apart of an event like RAW where I was able to really express myself and express my potential.

    More than anything I’m so very grateful for my friends because I would not be as strong as I am without them. My friends help build me with everything I tell them. My friends are very smart and very good people so I trust their words. These past couple of weeks have been really hard and I’ve had to make allot of tough decisions and have just been staying in allot. Overall I’m doing great and I’m happy in life. No matter what people say, do, or try on me I still stand strong and I’m going to continue doing photography and seeing where it goes. So far everything has just been falling together beautifully.

  • Red Rock Snow Day 2015

    Red Rock Snow Day 2015

    The other morning I awoke to the surprise of snow covered mountains. I gave myself no choice but to go and take photographs of such beauty. In a sense I wish I could of had someone there with me at that moment to give a warm kiss to for such a cold and frosted day. As I walked through puddles of mud from the melted snow I prayed I wouldn’t fall! I took photos of everything beautiful I could possibly capture. People were parked on the side of the road and kids and dogs played in the snow like it was their first time, filled with nothing but joy and curiosity. It was truly a beautiful sight to see everyone gathered like a family of strangers gathered together for Christmas with the mountains covered in snow as everyone’s present from mother nature herself.

    I felt in tune with my inner adventurous self and hiked up as high as I could get without going too far into the canyon for the simple fact that I was not properly dressed for such cold weather. Something just happens when I’m in nature the way I was. I wasn’t dressed properly because of how sporadic I was to leave and go take photos. I feel like I’m fully alive and I feel like nature is where I belong when I see mountains the way I did this morning.

    This year has been good to me so far. The snow helped me gain a little more of my strength I had lost because it reminded me that sometimes really bad things happen and sometimes you lose those things you love so much but it’s moments that nature provides like these snow days in Vegas that help build my strength. I know it’s God leading me here to show me how beautiful life is outside of my personal life. God is everywhere and continues to give me these gifts and pushes me to go out there.

    Quote of the Day

    “Beauty and light work hand in hand. You have to find both in the darkest and ugliest of situations because that’s the challenge. The more you continue to find where beauty and light lays, you’ll understand life in a bigger picture and appreciate the beauty it can provide and how amazing life truly is and can be.”

  • Dinosaur Park Get Away

    Dinosaur Park Get Away

    Went out other day to take photos of this park that’s by my house. They have all these dinosaur statue like things that give you an idea of how big the dinosaurs back then were. It’s actually a really cool park because it has these information stops that describe what the land was like that they lived on and explains what dinosaur you’re looking at. It’s really neat and since we do live in the desert this was definitely a good idea for a park.

     I seriously live 5 minutes from the park so I always come here whenever I’m feeling a certain kind of way and just hang out and read everything all over again. It’s a huge park with like 3 different playgrounds for kids and a huge event stage.

    I stopped by before work and on the way to work the sun was setting so I managed to get really good photos of the sun setting but this one was my favorite out of the bunch.

    Sunset
    Sunset

    Later that night I wanted to mess around with my macro lens so I decided to wake Meow Meow up and take some photos of her. She was not being a great model though since she was tired and I kept messing with her lol.

    She was definitely pissed. You could see it in her eye! lol

    Life has definitely been really fun lately with so much going on in such a little amount of time. I’ve found myself busier than I’ve ever been with a growing passion more and more for photography. As I explained on my website, I think it took me this long to really get heavy into photography because I truly did want to be a signed model.. I almost always have to get my clothes tailored to fit me because nothing tends to fit me so I honestly wouldn’t get that much work if I did put it into full force. I’ll stick to my independent gigs, that’s good enough for me. People think that modeling takes a good face and skinny body when it really doesn’t you could have fucked up teeth or not be the greatest looking person but your body could be perfect for clothing or your height is great for runway and you could get more work than the average model for just that. It takes a good figure and good skin to make it in the modeling world.

    Photography has just opened up my eyes a little bit more to life and shown me how beautiful life can really be when you appreciate it through photos. I don’t know, I might be overthinking or taking it way too personal but I am very nostalgic and my photos are what kind of keep me going so now that I’m doing this almost every day I realize how much I really love photography.

    I have so much in the works and hope everyone is ready and as excited as I am!

    Me!
    Me! Tired as hell being dumb.

  • Mommas Boy

    Momma Maria Jameson :P
    Momma Maria Jameson 😛

    Today was my moms birthday!

    As some of you might know, I’m really really close to my mom. Not in the sense that she’s heavily involved in my personal life because she’s not and I refuse to get her involved in it because it can be really messy and stressful. I’m close to her in the sense that I’ve always been a mommas boy. She’s played mom and dad and deserves all good things because of the type of person she is. I get everything from her.

    <3
    ❤

    Teeth, nose, eyebrows (if she didn’t do them they’d look just like mine), smile, height, charm, personality. I’m practically my mother just a boy lol. She’s taught me so much but overall she’s really taught me strength. As I’ve explained in my previous posts, she’s had the most influence in my life. Not only is she my mom and has raised me well but she continues to encourage me and strengthen me when I’m not too sure about some questions I have in my head but don’t exactly want to talk about with her. She just seems to know what’s on my mind when I don’t have to say anything.

    Our balloon hats! She got the crown, I got the frog!
    Our balloon hats! She got the crown, I got the frog!

    Since I was very little I’ve always been attached to her and the one child of hers that truly is always wanting her attention, that didn’t change lol. She’s always loved me and even though it took her awhile to understand who I was and what I am she still continues to love me and I’m so grateful for that because allot of kids and adults still haven’t told their parents about their sexuality or life or any of that because of fear of rejection. Not only that but some people get thrown out or really get disowned… So I’m grateful my moms always been so understanding with me.

    Mommy <3
    Mommy ❤

    She’s been through allot to say the least and continues to go through hell with so much but I try and be a good son and get her out so she can have a good time and that’s what I did tonight. She said her friends couldn’t come because they had plans for the night already and she didn’t plan anything with them so I called up a group of friends of mine that she’s met and invited them all out to Senor Frogs in the Treasure Island casino. She was a little surprised I had invited a group because she thought it was just going to be she I and Jorge. She had a blast to say the least!

    Mom and my friend Jorge
    Mom and my friend Jorge

    She’s never been to Senor Frogs and she never ever gets out of the house and when she does she goes to allot of places around the house or Olive Garden. We sure as fuck weren’t going to Olive Garden. I wanted to take her somewhere different so she could dance or do something festive so I think Senor Frogs was a good choice.

    I love Daverlie!!
    I love Daverlie!!
    All of us. Thank you Jorge for taking the photo!
    All of us. (From left) Claudia’s aunt and mom, me, Claudia, her cousin, Daverlies mom and Daverlie! Thank you Jorge for taking the photo!

     I hadn’t seen my friend Claudia since like September 2013 I want to say? It has been awhiiiile since I’ve seen her and my mom really liked her family because they’re Salvadorian as well and know how to party. So we were there for a good 2 hours just talking and eating. It was really laid back.

    The home girl Jorgina and I!
    The home girl Jorgina and I!

    Before that though I had gone to do a walkthrough downtown at the Freemont Country club where I’ll be showcasing my photography and selling some of my work. The Director of the one happening on March 5th that I’m attending showed us all the spots we were going to be in and I ABSOLUTELY LOVE WHERE THEY PUT ME! They put me right in front of this silver wall with red jewels and next to this wall that has space paintings on it which is perfect since my photography revolves around allot of astrology and outerspace! :D.

    I don't even know. lol
    I don’t even know. lol

    I’m so excited but so nervous about this event. I still have to get everyone to purchase the tickets for it so I really need to spread the word now. It’s getting close to the closing of the ticket sales (February 26th) so if you’re coming please buy a ticket asap so I know you’re attending for sure. 🙂

    Just go to that link and purchase a ticket under my name so you can be added to my guest list. <3
    Just go to that link and purchase a ticket under my name so you can be added to my guest list.  Only $15 ❤

    Overall today was good. I’m more than happy that my mom had a good time tonight and managed to forget her problems for the night. She was smiling and dancing and that’s what I wanted. I’m excited about the event I’m going to be a part of because the talent that is attending are some really great people and luckily no one was pretentious or showed signs of trying to be better or anything. I’m really excited about this year. 🙂

    I told the girls to not pay attention to me taking photos because I wanted to make this photo look old to give a sense of nostalgia.
    I told the girls to not pay attention to me taking photos because I wanted to make this photo look old to give a sense of nostalgia.

  • Birthday Trip to the Bahamas and Florida

    As many of you know I went on vacation for a week last week and just got back this Wednesday.

    I went on a 3 day cruise to the Bahamas with my friends Jorge and Jeremy for my birthday and stayed in Florida the rest of the trip out there.

    On our way to Ft Lauderdale. The plane was so ghetto.
    On our way to Ft Lauderdale. The plane was so ghetto.

    I can’t explain how beautiful it felt to be out on the open sea just sailing through it. The way everything looked and felt was so peaceful. My phone had no reception the entire time I was there and I did not give a flying fuck. I didn’t even use my phone to take pictures just to set the alarm. I didn’t want to use it at all. I was glad that for once in my life of having a phone it was probably the longest I had gone without it working and I felt great about that. All I needed was my camera that I brought along with me on the trip and that was it.

    Pre-gaming on the plane
    Pre-gaming on the plane

    So the start of the trip was a bit rough. Jorge and I took a plane out of Vegas on Wednesday night at 10pm and arrived in Ft Lauderdale at 5:45am where we would then take a megabus (it was cheaper to take the megabus to Orlando since we booked very last minute) to Orlando at 8am.

    On the way to Orlando from Ft Lauderdale.
    On the way to Orlando from Ft Lauderdale.

    The bus would then arrive in Orlando at 1pm and we would have to board the ship at 3pm since it leaves at 4pm. It was seriously all crammed! It was insane how go-go-go it was just to get everywhere on time! I was nervous something would certainly fuck up and we wouldn’t get to go or some shit. Luckily everything went perfectly well and we boarded.

    Manta Ray rolled towels!
    Manta Ray rolled towels!
    My view from my balcony room of the ocean.
    My view from my balcony room of the ocean.
    Me and my friend Jeremy hanging out on the back deck watching the ship cruise through the ocean!
    Me and my friend Jeremy hanging out on the back deck watching the ship cruise through the ocean!

    The 1st night on the boat we drank and walked around on the ship taking it all in. We had dinner and just took it easy. The one thing I will say is that cruises make me so fucking tired! I was literally passing out at dinner every single night because I felt like I was being gently rocked since there was always motion. I swear if I would of layed my head down at the table I would of been out like a light. But I of course pushed through, ate dinner and then went to bed lol.

    Night time view of the deck we were on hanging out.
    Night time view of the deck we were on hanging out.
    During the day.
    During the day.
    My beach attire Captain hat Cup: Beach be cray Shirt: Where my beaches at yaaaasssss!! I was ready.
    My beach attire
    Captain hat
    Cup: Beaches be cray
    Shirt: Where my beaches at
    yaaaasssss!! I was ready.

    The 2nd day of the cruise we arrived in the Bahamas (Nassau) at noon and the minute we woke up we had mimosas!!!! I wanted to celebrate being IN the Bahamas for my birthday!

    I had to seriously stop and take a selfie.
    I had to seriously stop and take a selfie.
    Took a picture in front of the ship!
    Took a picture in front of the ship!

    It was something I’ve never done. Going to a country so far away from home for my birthday was the most adventurous thing I’ve ever done. I’ve never been anywhere other then Utah and California so it was definitely different for me.

    Underwater!!
    Underwater!!

    The Bahamas was gorgeous but I felt like it was way americanized for tourists and the people were so fucking annoying. I totally understand that it’s a poor country but holy hell you couldn’t walk 5 feet without someone trying to offer you something. The lady’s saw my hair poking out of the back since I had my captain hat on and they kept asking me if I wanted to get my hair braided!!! I was just like omg, could you imagine? A braided mohawk? HELL NO. I got pissed and just began to ignore them and continue walking. We were supposed to go on a catamaran excursion but it was raining and really windy there that day so they cancelled it 😦 I was super sad about it. The only reason I really bought a water proof case was to take pictures under water while snorkeling.. But oh well, I got to play on the beach anyways so that was fun!

    Water was cold!
    Water was cold!
    I got water in my fucking ear.
    I got water in my fucking ear.
    Was having fun swimming :D
    Was having fun swimming 😀

    I picked up some souvenirs while there for my mom and little brother. It felt like the day went by really fast since we only spent 8 hours there. The water was a bit cold and whenever I swim in cold water it begins to make my ears hurt really bad so I swam for maybe 30-45 min and then went back to the boat to shower.

    In front of the Bahamas sign haaayyy.
    In front of the Bahamas sign with the boys haaayyy.

    When we went back out we took photos in front of the Bahamas sign and went to go eat and this super cool place called the pirate pub bar and grill. I had this little crab bite dish they had and their Bahama beer just to see what it would taste like and I wasn’t disappointed to say the least.

    My double fisting pose. Drinking Bahamian beer. It honestly tasted just like a corona lol.
    My double fisting pose.
    Drinking Bahamian beer. It honestly tasted just like a corona lol. Can you tell my hair didn’t know what the fuck to do because of the humidity?
    chillin
    chillin

    After we left there we went back to the boat again and got ready again because it was formal night and this was my night to shine! I had payed $400 altogether to get my suit and shirt tailored and I was definitely going to make the best of it lol. Everyone was staring at me and telling me they liked my outfit and it felt great. I met this super sweet old lady named Elaine and her husband Charlie. They were the sweetest couple EVER. We sat next to them and when the people came out to sing me happy birthday she started talking to me and asking me questions about my style and such. She was so cute. 🙂

    Here I was having a conversation with Elaine and her Husband Charlie.
    Here I was having a conversation with Elaine and her Husband Charlie.
    At dinner they were rounding people up and dancing in a single file line around the restaurant so of course my wild ass starts getting live.
    At dinner they were rounding people up and dancing in a single file line around the restaurant so of course my wild ass starts getting live.

    Me and the boys walked around the boat the rest of the night taking pictures and drinking mimosas and talking but it was so windy that we called it a night earlier than we wanted. Plus I was super tired from swimming and being up so early.

    Last day of the cruise and I decide to get hammered drunk.
    Last day of the cruise and I decide to get hammered drunk.

    The 3rd day was our last day on the cruise so we got up early and went out to have breakfast and drinks. We started drinking around noon and then went to the deck that was 21+ to get away from all the kids n shit. There were so many fucking kids and old people. We got in the hot tub and were joined by other people who were fun to talk to. Now, I had one of their special drinks they make to put in the coconut I was drinking out of and after that I had 2 bloody mary’s and 2 mojitos and after that I was WASTEDDDDD. I fucking hate getting that drunk but I wasn’t feeling anything until I got out of the hot tub and realized how fucking drunk I was. I stumbled back into the room around 5pm and passed out because I was tired as fuck and wasn’t feeling well. I then woke up around midnight to try and eat and threw it all back up. I showered and went back to bed and didn’t wake up again until 5am. I was so fucking pissed! I wanted to have fun on the last day on the boat but I was so shit faced I couldn’t make it out of bed lol.

    Me and the home girl Jorge.
    Me and the home girl Jorge.

    The cruise was over at 7am so we packed our shit and left.

    Cocoa Beach

    We went to Jeremy’s place in Cocoa beach that morning and went to the pier to check it out. I took some photos of the beach and the places that were around there and for the rest of the day we just hung out back at Jorge and I’s hotel room.

    √
    √

    The next few days there were just pretty casual. We went out to some gay bars and hung out with people we had met there and just enjoyed ourselves the rest of the time. Jorge and I did happen to go to this restaurant called LA. Boiling Seafood Crab & Crawfish where Jorge and I had the snow crab with shrimp! It was SO FUCKING GOOD. For the price and portion they give you it was totally worth the money. I couldn’t get enough of it.

    Lake in Orlando
    Lake in Orlando

    Overall my vacation was amazing. I met people, I learned allot about situations and got to visit a different country and different state that was completely different to Vegas. I couldn’t be happier knowing that for my birthday this year I did something completely spontaneous and out of the ordinary for me. I’m spontaneous but never thought I was spontaneous enough to book a last minute ticket on a cruise to the Bahamas and to Florida for a week lol.

    I fell in love with this kitty!
    I fell in love with this kitty!

    I received so many beautiful posts on Facebook and text messages from friends wishing me a happy birthday. I am still so very grateful for my friends. I seriously would NOT have the strength I do without them, not even joking. My friends are the ones who lift me up and bring out the strong side of me when things fuck up. I love you all. Always remember that.

    Hotel room aftermath
    Hotel room aftermath

    I’m striving to make this year the best for me. Last year was shit for me and allot of people so I want to MAKE this year great. Now that I have a direction in life I wanna go in with photography and graphic design, I hope that it’s good and full of prosperity.

    My window view from the plane
    My window view from the plane

  • 2014 Overview

    This is the first yearly review I’ve written that I have no idea how to really start because 2014 was not really a good year for me at all. Obviously there was some good that definitely came out from this year but it seems like more bad happened than good so it’s very bittersweet…To start off the people I met in the beginning of the year were all very futile. It seemed hard this year to establish any solid friendships or relationships with people. Something that comes easy to me seemed hard. I kept running into pointless problems and I think allot of it came from going out. I’ll just go down a list with this post and break everything down to how the year kind of went.

    January-February

    My birthday
    My birthday
    Sugar Factory cake pops
    Sugar Factory cookies and cream cake pops!
    The Squad
    The Squad
    Joey <3
    Joey ❤

    My birthday in January was great because an overwhelming amount of people showed up and it made me sooooo happy to see that many people come and be there for me. It was beautiful. No matter how shitty this year might of been, the overwhelming amount of support and friendship I have with the people who do care about me, is amazing. I truly have some of the bestest friends anyone could ask for. Very loyal people.

    February was trash. Nothing really thrilling about that month.

    March

    After the funeral with Matty.
    After the funeral with Matty.

    I lost my friend Matty’s mom Laurie in March who I was close to and really cared for who took me in when I left home when I was 18 because of family problems I was having. That was hard for me because even though I didn’t talk to her all the time the times I did she always told me how great I looked and we would always have personal talks about life and relationships and that’s something that I really took and held dear to me because some of the things she and I talked about she didn’t really talk with many people. Almost every weekend morning I would go in her room and hang out and watch TV and smoke a cigarette with her (when I used to smoke) and just chill. When I would leave their house I would always thank her for having me and for always providing an escape from home. My mind wasn’t very strong in high school and I buried so much of my emotions in alcohol and partying because of the problems at home and Laurie always provided that escape as I’ve stated in the blog I wrote about her.

    April

    The month following after all of that happened I lost Joey…. That really fucked me up I’m not gonna lie. I’ve learned to deal with him being gone now because time has helped me heal but every single time I drink if I even begin to think about him or talk about him being gone I immediately get thrown into a bad depression that’s hard to bounce back from every time. I haven’t really talked about how I’ve been coping with him being gone so I guess I can say that I wasn’t exactly dealing with it well. No one really knew but I was making some really really bad decisions during this period of time. I’ve had an amazing and outstanding support system of friends around me to help me but as far as physicality went I felt very neglected and the people I would like I felt didn’t really like me the same in return or I just didn’t want to pursue things with because I didn’t feel they could be compatible with me or something silly. Either way I’ve made some bad decisions and all I can say now is that depending on what you do in life and the severity of it there will always be a price to pay. Those who think they won’t get “caught” or think that what they’re doing is fine are the ones who pay for everything down the road or through a small situation that might get blown up to be a huge deal. Whatever the case may be always remember that everything comes with a price to pay.

    Onyx Theater
    Onyx Theater

    Losing Joey was like losing a brother. Yes I still miss him yes I feel lonely because he’s not here anymore etc. But with so much going on with me I’ve realized I need to snap out of it and worry about myself because of everything going on with me now days. I still keep in touch with his sisters and check on them to see how they’re doing with everything. I still have to go out there to visit his grave and talk to him..

    The day after his memorial I went up to Zion with a friend of mine because I haven’t been up there in weeks and it was beautiful. It definitely wasn’t how I remembered it.

    Overhead stream

    Emerald pools trail
    Emerald pools trail
    Angels Landing
    Angels Landing

    May

    I did my first Tough Mudder with my kick boxing class!!!! The toughest event I’ve ever done in my life! It was so much fun though. Kick boxing helped allot with my feelings and locked up feelings in my head. Tough Mudder was just a blast because I did it to prove to myself I could do it. It was intimidating because yes I am very skinny and I’m not sure how much my body can handle but I have noticed that I’m a hell of allot fuckin tougher then I thought. By mile 7 my leg was shot and I couldn’t run anymore just walk and I kept having to stop and sit down because my leg was hurting so bad from the side to where I couldn’t bend it anymore so I started limping. People kept asking me if I was ok but I was. I was ok enough to finish and luckily I had my good friend June with me to help walk with me to the finish line. I almost just quit and said fuck it I’m cutting across and ending this but I wanted to prove to myself I could finish and that I was ok. It was so cold that my body was locking up and making it way more harder on my legs since my body started to retain as much heat as possible. I mean it was raining AND it was windy and cold! It fucking sucked but whatever I did it and finished! I run through those fucking electric wires at the end and got my beer at the finish line.

    Looking like massive shit after the race.
    Looking like massive shit after the race.

    June

    Mother's and kids
    Mother’s and kids

    IMG_5897 copy IMG_5691 copy

    I went to California with my friend Dana who I no longer speak with because of personal decisions I didn’t agree with but I got to see my friend Matt! I needed an escape so I went to Pride in California and was out there for a good 4 days just visiting friends and family. I got away from everything in Vegas which helped allot but the thing with pain that most people don’t really understand is that pain can’t be buried or drank away, it has to literally run it course until it all heals slowly. It literally works like a wound, however you take care of it will determine how it heals. So my pain all came back and that’s when I realized and understood the way my head works.

    I realized that I’m as happy of a person as I am because I don’t handle depression well and it’s really hard for my mind to sort it out because of how apparent it can be. When I’m upset it shows, there’s no hiding it. I either talk about it or flat out say how I’m feeling. I’ve learned to sort everything this year and manage to get my mind to just organize problems and put them away instead of trying to bury them and dealing with the same issue again later down the road. Figuring out how to handle my emotions this year has definitely helped me control allot going on with me.

    July-August

    July and August were pretty quite. I got sick with bronchitis in July and I’ve never had bronchitis so I was sick for the entire month really, it was so retarded. Didn’t wanna do shit.

    August was good bonding time with my mother and I. We went to go eat at Craftsteak in the MGM which is an incredible restaurant. Probably the best restaurant I’ve ever been to. Every plate they brought out to us was nothing but stunning soooo good.

    September

    Lisa and Brandon 2 of my very good friends who I pretty much consider mom and dad got married!

    I was so stoked about this because the chemistry Lisa and Brandon have is one like no other. The way they interact is perfect because they’re on the same level of humor and understanding. They get each other and you can just tell by the way they kiss and hold each other that they really do love and care about each other. There’s NEVER any drama between them and that is indeed a very healthy sign and very healthy relationship.

    Moose, the wedding date.
    Moose, the wedding date.
    My favorite hoe friend Jessica!
    My favorite hoe friend Jessica!

    October

    Was one of the most stressful months ever. I was thriving off of xanax and pain killers because of how bad this month was. Bad news all around and more set backs for me in life which really fucking sucked… But none the less I was able to sort everything out within 2 weeks in my mind. I’ll always be reminded of this problem that set me back but I’m able to get through it all and continue to work on my life.

    November

    I’ve met someone very special…

    He doesn’t live in Vegas but Florida… Yes I know that’s lame and yes I know how most people feel about long distance relationships and situations along the same lines. He and I are in the beginning stages of getting to know each other and everything is just cute right now because we haven’t met but I couldn’t imagine feeling any different when we meet. Another thing, there’s no way in fuck I’ll ever be with someone that lives in Vegas. I’ve seen the type of guy Vegas has to offer and I’m so not into it. I don’t need a relationship here because I’m dealing with allot in life and want to start school. If I’m in a relationship with someone that lives in the same town as me and I’m not happy where I’m at in life then I’ll feel pressured to be in the relationship and won’t put any effort into making anything work out. Long distance is just good for me right now.

    What I like about him is that he makes time for me no matter how tired he is or whatever time it is. He’ll set an alarm to talk to me if he falls asleep and knows I’m going to be home at a certain time. That to me is someone who truly likes me and puts effort into me. That’s what I’ve always told everyone; Someone who cares and wants to work things out with you, will always make time no matter how busy they are.

    So, for my birthday months ago I had planned to go on a cruise and the cruise would leave out of Florida and this boy just so happens to live near Orlando so he and I decided to just go on the cruise together. Why not right? We have a balcony room and my friend George is coming along too! I’ll explain all cruise details when I get back from it so I can explain where the cruise leaves out of and all of that. Let’s just say that I’m more then excited to meet this boy and see what happens.

    November also so happened to be the same month my childhood friend Michael died in a car crash…

    Click here to read what happened

    Losing Michael was tough. His family has been a part of our family since I was about 8 years old. His sisters would babysit me and my little brother. I was closer to his sisters since I was around their age and my brother was closer to Michael but none the less we all hung out all the time and played video games and such. I know it really affected my brother because they hung out all the time and even before Michael had passed he had hung out with him the night before. They even went partying for Halloween. So I know its affected my brother allot. It hasn’t been easy but I know God does everything for a reason.

    December

    Queen Lexis
    Queen Lexis

    Christmas wasn’t too crazy this year. Some family members came out from California to hang out for the day and see everyone and I got to see my Niece and Nephew who I’ve missed like crazy, especially Alexis since I almost never see her.. Alexis has gotten so big and so smart. She was cracking me up with some of the stuff she would say because she’s soooo witty lol. We all went to town square and took photos and just walked around.

    The kids opening presents
    The kids opening presents

    Briefly that is everything that I marked as important dates in my calendar. Things that really meant something to me. I’m not the type to be negative so I won’t say that this year completely sucked because there is good that came out of it. I would say I was challenged this year more than anything and I still managed to stay above water. I realize that I’m a very strong person and I handle all my problems very well. I’m responsible and have finally realized all of this from this year. With every bad event that occurred I took the lesson from it and managed to move on well from the situations. I fought through everything and prepared myself for the next year.

    I have absolutely no new year resolutions because when I make plans like that I don’t follow through or I forget them. I’m just continuing to aim big with my life and see what the next year has to bring. There is no new me for the new year bullshit because I’m fine and I don’t have much to change and if I do then it’ll happen because I realize what it is I need to change. I did allot of fast changes this year and have realized so much about people and continue to grow mentally.

    I have no expectations for next year I just want to be happy. That’s all.

    I want to be with someone, I want to travel, I want to spend more time with family and I want to be happy more then anything..

    Happy New Year everyone and I wish you all the best. For those who comforted me this year thank you. For those who are still in my life thank you. Thank you everyone for being apart of my life and I am so so grateful to be a part of yours, you all know who you are. I love you with all my heart and I will continue to love you and keep you all close. I’ll be here to defend you and make sure I can make you all happy. Can’t wait to see what next year has to offer, I’m just hoping it’s good!

    Love you guys

    ❤

    -Brian