♄Brian ☾ Jamesøn♃

Welcome to my blog ♥ Here I'll discuss all aspects of self discovery. There's a piece of me that goes into each and every post I write. Each piece carries its own wave of thoughts and emotions for different reasons that you’ll come to find out. If interested, please subscribe. Thank you. -Jameson

Recent Posts

  • Straight Outta My 20’s

    Straight Outta My 20’s

    30th birthday Quotes

    It’s Monday January 26th and I’m currently at a coffee shop called Makers and Finders here in Vegas. It’s freezing outside and it has been snowing and raining in Vegas all day. It’s hard to even type right now because my hands are so cold. It doesn’t help that I’m sitting next to the window which is even colder but I love the cold. I could be freezing my ass off and still be fine. I mean hell I went snorkeling in Iceland during the fucking winter time lol. This weather reminds me so much of Iceland. The way it feels and the way everything looks today. Yesterday I walked into the backyard with my underwear and t-shirt on and felt the same cold ass feeling I had in Iceland that first morning waking up thinking you can just open the back door for some fresh air. Hell na, in Iceland you get wind and snow coming in too since the air blows sideways lol.

    I got back from my stay at The Palms on Monday the 18th. I decided to get a hotel to party in and be close to the strip since I knew I’d be getting wasted. The day I got back from the hotel I laid in bed all day in and out of sleep like THE DEAD. I have never slept so much in my life. I can’t believe how exhausted I was. It was very special to me to be with people who I really love and care about. Normally I’d explain what all went down from start to finish but I want to do things different this time and just explain with photos.

    I’m going to keep it short and cute because we already know that drinking was the main thing that went down and I want to focus mainly as to why this birthday meant so much to me.

    Friday night

    Dinner at Scarpetta with Amanda, Tristan and Marissa. I was supposed to just have a regular table but Mario upgraded us to the chefs table since it opened up right as we got there. STOKED!

    Mario brought out a ton of different dishes for us to try along with desserts.

    Marissa went to the bathroom and came back and didn’t realize the door was closed and smashed her face on the door. Poor thing got a gnarly bruise from it lol.

    Afterwards drinks and shots were had at the Chandelier bar

    Saturday/Birthday

    I went to have lunch with my family before the shenanigans started. My mom never likes to attend the dinners because she likes to go to bed early, ew. So I knew I’d have to get it together for lunch. I made reservations at 2pm at Echo and Rig. Luckily I didn’t get too trashed the night before and gave myself enough time to recover and get ready. I totally pulled it off with a cute outfit and some tinted moisturizer lol.

    When I checked into my hotel I did a mini photoshoot before heading out. I’ll be posting those photos once I receive them.

    I had dinner reservations at Catch at the Aria later that night.

    The objective: to look as wild as possible

    The guy behind us was giving us the loooooks. Like, sir, I’m gonna need you to turn around and pay attention to your wife k thnx.

    I went with Rebecca and Sarina and got all the looks from everyone in the restaurant. Just how I wanted. Many drinks, food, and good company!

    Sunday

    Sunday was my last full day at The Palms so I decided to have a small get together at the hotel to have one last hoorah with the Trap Stars Taylor, Nicole, Carmen, Michael and Amanda. Before the gang got to the hotel I did another photoshoot that was more of a dirty 30 styled photoshoot lol.

    The cake read “Dirty 30 Daddy”

    With age comes new roles lol

    One of my best friends for a long time, Taylor, brought me a cake and balloons and scheduled a photoshoot for me next month that I’m so stoked for! It’s going to be epic and a wild side of me that I don’t often reveal so definitely stay tuned for that shoot as I’ll be posting as to when it’ll be as the time gets closer.

    My 30th birthday was very special to me and I’ll explain why.

    If you’ve been reading my blog since I was a teenager, you’ll come across posts indicating where my mental state was during these times. Life was obviously rough but I never complained I just took every single situation as a lesson and turned it into a stepping stone to better myself and become wiser. Writing and blogging helped me release everything that was pent up as a teen and now as an adult, it has helped me understand my emotions much better.

    Family life was obviously a ton of drama but I wouldn’t trade the experience or wish I didn’t go through it. The hard times I went through did cause me to grow up pretty fast but it taught me street smarts and how to communicate with adults. I was very unaware of many things growing up and so I studied books on psychology and life to help me become more aware of human behavior and how I can better understand myself and others. I really didn’t have a choice but to push myself to grow up.

    During the real bad nights, I would pep talk myself. I would lay on the trampoline outside with a blanket and watch the stars and tell myself that one day I’ll be where I want to be in life. I’d cry and just tell myself that everything I was going through was just temporary and in 10 years I’ll be somewhere completely different, living a different life and being in a much happier place. I told myself that by the time I’m 30 I want to have a career and be somewhat established so that I don’t have to worry so much about money and can have enough to save so that I can travel the world and do the things I want. I wanted someone to be by my side by now but unfortunately, you can’t have it all by 30 lol.

    So

    I’m officially 30 and I’m exactly where I told myself I wanted to be as a teenager. I went through some pretty rough times in my 20’s and many losses but I remained strong and pushed and pushed and pushed some more for the things that I wanted and for the life I wanted to live. Life has a way of knocking you on your ass completely but it’s all about finding ways to pick yourself back up and learning from mistakes. Feeling good after feeling like shit is hard. You HAVE to do something to make yourself feel better and inspire yourself to do more and get out of the hole you’re in. I’m thankful for the friends I have that helped pick me up when I was down and who encouraged me with nothing but the best advice. Since my dad was absent from the picture and my mom worked night shifts, I never really had a parent to talk to and that’s why I place such high value on my friends. But there are those nights when everyone’s asleep and you’re feeling low and so you have to do something in order to pick yourself back up.

    I’ve made many stupid mistakes in my 20’s but some of these mistakes really calmed me down and have helped me retain my energy and see life in different ways.

    One huge lesson I learned to chill on was the amount of partying I was doing. I literally was working to party for years.

    See, I did middle school and high school in a small town. So I never really went out much. Weekends weren’t really enough with all the drama going on at home. So when I turned 21 I kicked the partying into overdrive and went fucking nuts. Got into some trouble but that trouble settled me the fuck down. I no longer drank to get drunk but instead I learned to be able to pace myself and drink enough to enjoy myself without getting completely hammered every single time. Though I still have some nights where I go hard (especially after my break up) I know when to dial it back.

    Even though I’ve gone through crazy shit, I’ve still managed to see the good on the other side. There are times though where life can make you feel like you’re drowning. When I feel that drowning sensation happen I just submerge in it. I feel what I’m going to feel, I cry if I need to cry, I drive if I need to drive. At the end of it all, I come out fine. Life isn’t easy, it’s how you deal with it.

    Love after Nick

    I met someone last year who I talked to for about 9 months.

    I won’t focus too much on it because though the situation wasn’t ideal, I can walk away saying that I opened up my heart and realized that I can get that same feeling with other people that I got with Nick. It was that feeling of instantly knowing you’re going to love someone. I was skeptical for weeks but once I realized my true feelings is when I opened up. I believe that when you meet someone and hit it off, you just know that they’re going to be more than just a friend. At least that’s how it has always worked for me. Obviously, you need to look for red flags and all that shit but aside from that, there’s a reason why you’re attracted to someone even if they make you crazy. Patrick was a twin flame and the love between us was very real and so different and for that, I think I’ll always love him. We had many things in common and shared some of the same values and the effort he put into making it work, didn’t go unnoticed. Differences definitely played a role but I’m a very understanding and a patient loving person and still understand the situation and where he is and where I am. I’d normally say it was wrong place wrong person but in this situation it feels like we came into each others lives when we both needed someone to get us through.

    There were many things left unsaid up until the end but sometimes that’s just the hand life deals you and you move on.

    I’m sad it didn’t work out because I’m honestly not used to being in a relationship or having someone that I’m all about. For years I would just date and go about my life. I never found many people that I found I wanted to be with and so I’d just date around and that’s it. Finding someone that I wanted to settle down with and it not working is devastating to me. I’ve always looked at love with heart-shaped glasses. When I love someone they’re all I see and want. I see them as my forever so having to put those glasses down and see things for what they are is extremely hard for me to do but it gave me a dose of reality. It woke me up and brought me back to life after losing Nick.

    #staywoke woot woot

    I can genuinely say that I fell in love again and even though it hurt me, I learned one of the hardest lessons and that is to know when to walk away from a situation that’s hurting you. It fucking kills to have to do it because you don’t want to but know that you need to.

    For as much love as I give, I need someone who appreciates me and the love and time I give along with all my love languages. Someone who has space for me to be in their life. Someone who sees me and sees my style of loving and wants to love me just as much. So to end this part of this blog I will say yes I’m angry and disappointed with myself and what I allowed but it all taught me a lesson and shook me up. I feel it might have prepared me for that right person because now my heart is definitely wide open and more ready than ever. So I’m thankful for the experience and choose to move on from it with peace and love in my heart.

    Where I’m at now

    I’ve been working out almost every day. Trying to better take care of myself and get my body looking the way I want it to so I can stop looking in the mirror with disgust! lol

    Abs are slowly coming in and I’m toning up little by little. I never realized how much muscle memory I have and how easy it is for me to tone. A week of the gym already starts showing me major results and I love it. So I’m going to stay working out and feeling good.

    I like being alone most nights and I like to just get high and listen to music. That’s my version of a fun night.

    I’m most proud of myself for expanding the ways I think and for being a lot more open-minded than I was before. With the help of drama and bullshit; 29 pushed me to change some beliefs and ways of living to better be flexible with others and with myself. I find it healthy sometimes to change certain ways of viewing life to better groom you for future situations that might make you crazy.

    This year is going to be my best one yet. I’m where I want to be in life with only a few things I need to do to get to that next step. I’m working on things currently and will be releasing something big this year. For now, I’m just going to stay working and minding my business, Periodt!

    I always say this every birthday so I’ll say it again.

    I want to personally say thank you to every single person who wished me a happy birthday. It truly does mean the world to me considering how important this birthday was to me and how much fun it was even though corona times fucked some things up but still. Thank you to everyone who has known me for years and been nothing but loyal supporting friends. I love you all too and my phone is always on if you need someone to talk to or need some love and pick me ups. I love you all so very much and genuinely mean it. Cheers to an amazing year where Corona disappears (hopefully) and we can return to showing off all our faces without masks on lol.

    Sending you all so much love and peace.

  • Feel Better

    Feel Better

    Throwback of going to dinner at Kassi at the new virgin hotel in Vegas.

    Well

    It’s been a week now that I’ve had covid..

    I’m shocked it took this long to get and I’m even more shocked that it was passed by my brother and not from me going out. All of last year I was flying to Texas and going places and then this is how I get it.

    My brother said he started to feel ill early last week. It seemed like allergy symptoms and then 2 days later I started feeling the same symptoms. Luckily I know my body and can understand when I’m about to get sick. There was 1 night where it just hit me out of nowhere. I felt feverish and ended up going to sleep to try and sleep it off but the next day I woke up with the worlds biggest headache. I couldn’t even open my eyes because of how swollen my head felt. I didn’t think much of it. I felt like maybe it was just a cold or a regular flu because I wasn’t having any fevers just crazy fluctuations in body temperature. I went to go pick up some juices with Spirulina and bentonite clay to rip out whatever was in me. I think that by doing this it helped fight the virus off quick so that I wouldn’t get the full blown symptoms of this shit. I went to my doctor 4 days later and she didn’t think I had it because I had no fever when I saw her and I was fine walking around and didn’t really feel sick. She suggested going to CVS and picking up an at home kit and so I did just that. There’s 2 tests that come in the box and so I took both and not even 2 minutes later they both read positive.

    My symptoms through out this journey have included body temperatures that fluctuate all over the place. I’ll be laying in bed fine and then my body will begin to feel hot. I’m not talking fever hot to where I feel it in my face but just body hot like I went outside and stood in the sun and ran back inside to cool off. My body temperature will also drop so extremely low that my fingers will go numb. I’ll have to jump into bed to warm up. I have no cough or fever at all but my brother and nephew both do. The first few days having covid, I had pain in my lower back like I’ve never experienced before. It literally felt like someone hit me with a baseball bat in my lower back above my tail bone. It would fucking hurt alllll through out the day. Even before bed. I would have to take NyQuil to ease the body aches but then in the morning, boom, it’s there all over again. Finally after almost a week, it went away. I also can’t taste or smell anything and so naturally I don’t have an appetite. I’ve lost about 5 lbs and feel ugly. The muscle mass in my thigh, calf and butt area that I had been working so hard to build on the past 2 months, GONE. Have to start all over again. Doesn’t help that all my weight goes to my hips and stomach and so I have to wear a waist trainer most days whether I’m in the gym or not to push the weight in the places I want it so it’s a pain in the ass starting all over again. It takes so much work for me to have the body I want and then comes this shit to fuck it all up. That’s not even the worst part. I was supposed to leave for Cancun tomorrow for 4 days. Bought a go pro and swim shorts and all sorts of shit for my friends wedding and now I can’t even go. I had my own room in a 7 bedroom Villa with friends and with a private chef and can’t even go to celebrate.. I guess everything happens for a reason and I’m just happy to be alive. I’ve actually been looking into going to Mykonos in October or November instead since I can’t make it to Cancun.

    Wish I could taste this.

    By nature I’m a pretty emotional person and idk if it’s because I’m sick or what but I’ve been a big ass cry baby for days now. Anything will make me cry, songs, movies, people being mean to each other lol. Normally I’m pretty solid but when I’m sick I’m the biggest baby and since I’ve been sick for a week now, I’m feeling pretty emotional. Anytime I’m sick, I take time to reflect on things and just think.

    I haven’t wrote on here in weeks but I figured I’d share my experience of covid just to shed light on what someone with it might be going through that isn’t feeling the full effects of the virus or struggling to breathe (thank god).

    I’ve been doing nothing but watching shows and movies. So here are my reccomendations

    1. Sex and the City: Grew up watching this and realize and appreciate as an adult how much the show sheds light on some serious topics about relationships.
    2. Sex Life: Watched this over 4 of July weekend and wow. Talk about a show that makes you feel like you’re reliving your relationship with your ex. The show had me in tears with how relatable it was. Had to rewatch it.
    3. Freaky: The movie about the teenage girl and serial killer that switch places. It was pretty funny but more entertaining.
    4. Coyote Ugly: This was my faaavorite movie ever growing up. Had to watch it again to feel that sense of nostalgia a bit.
    5. Walking Dead: Rewatching season 7 and going to keep watching until it’s over. This was Nicks favorite show aside from Game of Thrones and so I probably won’t finish the season until I move out the end of this year-next year. Just feel like I’d like my own place again to finish it.

    So yeah a few updates. In my last post I mentioned making a video of some new things taking effect in my life but fuck that I’ll just type it up.

    First thing I’d like to talk about is a website called Oranum.com that I joined back in June. I wasn’t sure what to expect from being on this website but the opportunity sounded good and lucrative and so I bought a whole new computer to do this and I never thought it would go as good as it has been. It truly has become a part time job and is helping me make almost the same amount of money I make doing hair. I feel blessed.

    Because of this, I’ve started to look at getting my own place by next spring. My good friend Nick has been also talking about selling his house and wanting to get a condo on the strip with me so I may just move in with him instead if I don’t get my own place. Looking for a nice high rise. I feel I might be moving a lot sooner depending how quick his house sells. He’s chill, works, he’s quite, minds his business, does his own thing and so I know it would be easy living with him. Now I’ve just been saving and getting ready to move.

    You can find me on Oranum at oranum.com/imbrianjameson

    The website actually allows you to view me without needing to login or make an account. So if you’re not comfortable with people knowing who you are, you’re able to just watch the show and hear me talk about all sorts of wildness. Some of the stories people share in the chat are pretty bizarre so it gets interesting. If you’re looking to chat or for a private reading, then you make an account and come in to talk or go private with me. The website helps you remain completely anonymous for privacy purposes from what I’ve learned. I’m happy I’m on the website because I truly love helping people out and tarot is a huge passion of mine so I love it.

    I have tattoo fever currently and so I’ve been getting inked almost every month. I go back in 2 weeks to have my latest tattoo colored in. Here it is.

    The tattoo is of a cobra wrapped around roses.

    I figure now that I’m not taking any trips anywhere and I’m on this whole self love kick, I’m just going to get all the fucking tattoos that I want now. I’ll be getting one every month until I feel satisfied. There’s something so therapeutic about getting tattooed. Since I’ve been going often I’ve kind of gotten used to it. This is the first tattoo my artist didn’t finish in 1 session because I was starting to swell up really bad. Normally we grind through the entire tattoo. Line work, shading, color. I swear the shading is what kills. That needle is no fucking joke but luckily my artist doesn’t spend more than 4 hours doing everything. He’s crazy fast.

    So that is what I’ve been up to. Sick and making big changes in my life. I have a few goals set for the end of the year that I’m on track to accomplishing and then we’ll see where I stand with my life and how things unfold. I’m excited for the future but it is scary when you want a specific life and to have the things you want for yourself and have to work so fucking hard to get it.

    Stay safe out there everyone. And if you get the roneys then make sure to take vitamin D, Vitamin C, Zinc and lots of juices and fluids. That’s what has helped me ultimately.

  • The Boy with the Dragon Tattoo

    The Boy with the Dragon Tattoo

    It’s 2:18am and I’m sitting in front of my computer in pain from getting my side tattooed on Sunday. Figured I’d get on here and fill you guys in on what’s been going on with me and my mindset as of lately.

    To be so honest it really wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be getting my side tattooed. I think that it was more of having self control over my thoughts and focusing on the different levels of pain that truly got me through.

    My tattoo tip: When the session started I put my head phones in and tried to just listen to music that was super sweet and relaxing that inspired fond memories. While my music was playing I was also very aware of where on my body he was and how much it was hurting to pretty much talk to myself and remind myself that the pain in that area is not going to go away. So when he would pause to wipe my side I wouldn’t let my mind go too far with thinking it was over. When he went back onto the skin I had to mentally prepare again and leave off of the same thought of how it felt before taking a second to change colors and wipe the tattoo. It was strictly mental for me. So if you’re getting a tattoo anytime soon, maybe try that trick and see how it goes?

    Once the shading and line work started to reach more of my stomach area is where I started to really lose it going towards the end. I’m just proud as fuck for sitting through the entire session because that shit was not easy going towards the end. I did not want to go back for the shading or coloring. I like instant results so I’ll suffer if it means getting what I want.

    When the thoughts you think of bring pain and sorrow, honor those feelings and cry or release whichever healthy way you can but when you’re done, apply pressure until that pain is gone.

    Getting this tattoo done was therapeutic to some degree. It was able for me to tap into some deeper emotions because I was also meditating and doing some breathing exercises to help which took my mind all sorts of places.

    My Tattoo playlist:

    Grimes-Darkseid

    Megan the Stallion- Thot Shit

    Lana Del Rey-

    1. Life is Beautiful
    2. Yayo
    3. Tomorrow Never Came
    4. How To Disappear
    5. The Flip side

    The Neighborhood

    1. Cherry Flavoured
    2. Pretty Boy
    3. Silver Lining
    4. Paradise
    5. You get me so High

    Troye Sivan-The good side

    Troye Sivan- Could cry just thinking about you (this is the one that really did it for me

    I melted when I found out he extended the version of the song. I had it on repeat just trying not to cry and just letting myself feel what I need to feel lol.

    Here’s the video

    I was laying in bed the night before on instagram just scrolling through and found a live video of Troye singing that song and it’s been one of my favorites by him since he released his new album last year. Hearing him perform it live was so beautiful! The way he sung it was amazing. I had the video on repeat as I was getting tattooed and just going through the memories in my mind and just allowing myself to start to feel that numbing feeling. Everything kept playing in my mind like a movie. All the pain recently and in the past that has lead me to where I am today. All I can say is that I truly do not give myself enough credit for how strong I am. Everyone gets sad but I do not break easily if at all and just continue on in my life. I love myself more these days than I ever have. All the experiences I’ve gone through and the pain I’ve gone through has continued to shape me and lead me back to myself. I’m at such a huge place in life with self love and just investing in myself that I couldn’t be happier. I barely recognize the person I was 2 months ago and the shit I allowed compared to the shit I don’t even bother dealing with now. My patience has ran thin with people who aren’t serious or just flat out fake or opportunistic that I’ve removed myself from many people to preserve my energy and invest it into my business and the things I’m currently working on. I feel myself evolving and it’s very uncomfortable. Some days I don’t understand how I feel and other days I find myself conflicted with how to deal with conversations. It’s all a part of the adapting process. I’ve gone through many changes in my life and this is probably the biggest one with how much cutting out I’ve done. So there’s that.

    Why a dragon tattoo?

    Dragons in some cultures can represent evil or the devil. But they also represent fearlessness, rage, balance, freedom, good luck, passion, supernatural power, wisdom, strength, and hidden knowledge. All the things that I’m attracted to and curious about learning. I’ve always been connected to dragons since I was a kid. This tattoo was kind of random though. I booked the appointment out of spontaneity and just went for it.

    On a final note. There are some big announcements I’ll be making with my next blog that you guys will definitely want to come back and tune into when I post it! My career is about to take a slight shift and there are some exciting things I’ve been working on that I’ll be announcing as well as a new gig that I picked up on the side where you can see me live on video every night which I’ll be revealing the website. I cannot wait to share. I’ll be making a video on here soon within the next few weeks 🙂

    Love you guys ❤️‍🔥

  • Super Flower Blood Moon

    Super Flower Blood Moon

    It’s 4am and I’m laying in bed listening to Briston Maroney-Freaking out on the interstate.

    “You got a lot on your and your heart it looks just like mine. It’s no use in wasting your time anymore. I’m sorry I, haven’t been myself somethings got me down what it is I can not tell. I won’t be satisfied with anything I’ve earned. Fear is just a part of love and one thing I’ve found is love is what you deserve.”

    I’ve had an eventful week so far

    I’m currently typing up this blog on my new MacBook Air. I was not thrilled buying this shit because of how expensive it is but my MacBook Pro just cannot update anymore. It’s trash at this point. I like the way music sounds on this one though lol.

    I booked a tattoo appointment this week for the end of June and cannot wait to show you guys what I’m getting done! Big side piece. Not sure how long I’ll be able to sit through the session because I’m a moaner and a squirmer lol

    Tonight was the Super Flower Blood Moon with a Lunar Eclipse to go with it.

    Since yesterday I haven’t been able to sleep because of it. I know some people might find that bullshit but it’s true. During full moons like this, I have so much energy that I don’t know what to do with it. What I mean is that my mind will start to run wild with thinking about anything and everything and I’ll start to feel like a crackhead. It’s like my brain and body don’t have an off switch because the world feels like it never shut off. Typically at night is when you’re supposed to feel the most relaxed and with this full moon I just feel like the sun never went down and the energy from the day is lingering with the intensity of the moon. Also feels like when you first wake up and have that initial energy getting the day started, except it’s an all day thing lol. I had the biggest headache since yesterday and it finally slowly started to go away today.

    During super moons I always like to encourage everyone to really focus their energy during this time. If you feel yourself spazzing out or thinking about a bunch of shit, aim that energy towards the things you want to get done and goals you want to reach. Just start doing shit around the house or go out etc etc. Otherwise you start to burn very valuable energy on nothing. It’s so important during nights like this to really hone in on your energy, ground it and focus it where it needs to be. Meditate and light some candles and incense to help with your full moon rituals and to better gather all that energy in. If you’re as empathic as I am then you understand what I mean and know how energy can affect us.

    Tonights moon was all about releasing, It was a finality full moon. Meant to bring clarity and awareness. Meant to close out chapters and leaving the past in the past. It’s meant to change your beliefs on things and change the way you might see things to better see them in a different way. I was writing down the things I wanted to release all while crying (because I’m a big ass baby). I cling to the past quite often and it’s hard for me to let it go because it’s hard to accept things sometimes and to have no choice but to move on. What’s done is done and I can hold my head up high knowing how much love I have to offer.

    I know one day someone will see me for who I am and what I have to offer and instantly know that I’m what they’ve been looking for all along. Aside from my looks I know that someone will see me for who I am which is the most important part of finding someone lol.

    It’s hard for me to let people go but I’m finally understanding that sometimes not everyone is meant to stay. Some people are here to help you learn very hard lessons and then they leave. Other people you might know work as support and those are your friends you can count on. This might be common sense but for me it’s hard to understand because of how much I love people and love the world. That’s why I don’t like to allow myself to get attached to others because then I get super sad if they move or if I don’t talk to them anymore. Letting go is difficult for me because of the bonds I enjoy building with others. I feel myself building strength and cutting out those things that do not serve me any longer now, though.

    I feel a new me being reborn and like I said in my previous blog, I feel these changes happening fast and I’m just trying to keep up with them and understanding the new set of emotions I’m feeling and what that territory looks like. I’m taking better of myself and listening to my body when I need to slow down and stop to take care of it.

    To end this post

    I just want to say that I hope you all have been releasing your past and any bad situations you might have been in. Honoring yourself and taking back your power. Practicing self-love and boundaries.

    What I suggest you do (and this is just what I do) is to write down on a piece of paper all those things you want to release with this super moon and burn it. Send it out into the universe and the universe will listen. Really focus and meditate on it while burning and you’ll start to feel lighter.

    After burning what you’re trying to manifest then take Palo Santo and clear any negative vibes out and then sage the fuck out of your house.

    I literally spent an hour doing a deep cleaning like this in my house and then lighting incense and keeping them lit all day and night to protect the house and welcome in blessings and new positive energy.

    If you have any questions about how to channel the energy of a full moon then please drop a comment. Keep in mind that full moons (especially super moons) are good 3 days before and 3 days after. So there’s still time to do your full moon rituals!

    I wish you all the best on your new journeys and transformations that this moon is bringing.

    Stay wild moon child!

    PS: Doing another photoshoot next month! Stay tuned for photos to go up on Facebook and Instagram!

    Instagram: @brianjameson

    Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/itsBrianJameson/

    We’ve traveled the seas, we’ve ridden the stars
    We’ve seen everything from Saturn to Mars
    As much as it seems like you own my heart
    It’s astronomy, we’re two worlds apart.
  • Get Well Soon

    Get Well Soon

    It’s been an exhausting 3 weeks. I’ve been slammed at work, emotionally drained, in hermit mode and I am O-K with it.

    I don’t give myself enough time to feel things. I just keep moving and doing shit without realizing I need to take care of myself and be good to myself. So I’ve been shopping and saving (I know, that doesn’t make sense but it does in my head lol) and just minding my business. I’ve been doing whatever I need to, to feel good and to make sure that I’m not slipping into any type of negative thinking. Still working on my project that’s coming along great, still doing hair and gaining new clients, and practicing tarot more than I ever have. Every night I have been falling asleep to the youtube tarot videos. Scary how accurate some of them can be! But it is just fun to watch what is coming in for your zodiac sign.

    It’s interesting to me how things will happen in my life for certain reasons that help me REALLY look at myself and look at how I treat others and how they treat me as well as themselves. You can learn a lot from someone by just seeing how they speak about themselves.

    I’ve been feeling a huge transformation going on within me.

    The last time I felt myself going through a transformation like this is when I first started blogging on here when I was 18. I remember when I first started writing and realizing how much was pent up inside me. I didn’t know how to express myself to others other than through writing it out. I’ve always struggled with communicating my feelings. I’ve always felt like my feelings are more of a burden. I tend to disregard them and instead ignore the things I want to express that hurt me and then end up in situations where I erupt or shut down because of how intense the feelings get. So writing has always been my outlet when I can’t seem to understand what my emotions are telling me. With growth and time, I’ve grown much better at communicating my emotions and understanding others.

    Recently, I’ve been returning to who I was before I started to allow just about anyone into my life. I used to know boundaries and have more self-respect for myself. I don’t understand how I strayed so far away from it. After the series of events that have taken place in the past year, I’ve had no choice but to examine what it is I’m allowing into my space. I realized how important boundaries are.

    Loss can come in many forms and it’s the people there for you at your lowest (that don’t judge) who you can trust will be there for you. All of this is common sense but I’m very naive and think that everyone means well and is my friend. That’s how I’ve been even as a kid. You want to believe you live in a perfect world where everyone is good. WRONNNGGGG lol.

    On a more personal level of self reflection

    I noticed something in the past 3 weeks when I sat down with myself and evaluated my connections with people. Over the course of 7 years I realized that I developed a co-dependency on constantly needing to be around people. Joey passed away in 2014 and that’s when it somewhat started. When Nick and Matt passed it only grew worse.

    This falls into the category in psychological terms called “Complicated Grieving”

    It’s pretty much when you experience a traumatic loss such as death of a loved, divorce, death of a parent etc. You experience a sense of abandonment and emotions that range between depression, anger, and anxiety.

    I think that a deep part of me had an unhealthy co-dependent attachment after Nick passed. After he passed away, I hoped and prayed someone would just come into my life and save me from everything I was feeling. I thought I’d never find anyone again. I was single 4 1/2 years before I met him.

    Feeling ugly about myself and feeling like I just wasn’t good enough for anyone. That’s all part of the complicated grieving process. 

    Before feeling the grief, you have to first deal with your lack of confidence and all the emotions that your insecurity engenders.

    I’ve always looked different (feminine) and always had a hard time finding guys that didn’t just look at me like I was a fantasy plaything.

    Not only do I like to go out, but I like to socialize with many people. Over the last 7 years, I realized that when things went wrong in my life, I clung to friends and always needing someone around. I filled voids with anything that would take my mind off of dealing with problems or depression. Finally, after Nick passed I started to slow down after about a year. It’s sad sometimes the things you’ll do to feel something or feel cared for even if it isn’t real. I’ve explained previously that pain to me is registered in my brain like a bruise. If I’m hurting, I deal with the pain the best I can but sometimes when the water is neck deep, I identify where that pain is coming from and apply pressure until it’s numb. Not the best way but I’m only human.

    Anyways

    I landed in quite the predicament for a year.

    After going through everything recently, I have a different set of glasses viewing the world. It feels like my prescription changed and I can see things clearly for what they are and who people are.

    I’m understanding my energy and coming into a whole different energy adjustment. I got so used to feeding off of other’s energy that I had forgotten my own and how I act when I’m alone. So with the time off I’ve had, I’ve been keeping busy with priorities and just going along as if I’m on a solo travel trip (WITHOUT BOYS!!) and learning new things about myself. I’ve always had a very soft and calm energy to me even as a kid. I’m sitting down with myself to understand it and how it feels to embrace it to ground myself.

    The best way to explain the change is compared to juicing lol.

    I know, weird right?

    When the pandemic hit I trained my body to just need juice during the day because I wasn’t burning energy so I would juice in the morning and just lay around the house and then juice for lunch. Since I wasn’t doing anything my body wasn’t craving food. So now when I’m at work I’m able to juice all up until dinner time where I eat a light meal.

    Tapping into this new energy/self-awareness is like that. It’s training yourself to understand something new on a very intuitive emotional level which can be very hard to gauge. I’m good with helping people identify emotions clearly and where triggers may be coming from. If only I could do that with myself lol. It’s just different and more complicated when you have to do it with yourself. It’s a struggle but this is where strength and self-awareness is built. That’s where you see how you treat yourself and how others treat you. Who takes and who gives.

    So I’m pretty much under construction at this moment and I’m finally choosing me.

    I don’t regret anything from the past year. It was the catalyst I needed to build back my strength and become more aware of my surroundings. I’m seeing what I have to offer and the boundaries I need to set to respect myself and allow the right people in. The situation I was in breathed life back into me but, it also stung. Nothing that brings massive change is going to feel good. It’s how you brace for the impact where it counts and how you deal with the rebuilding process.

    So that’s where I’m at these days.

    Still choosing to love others unconditionally just with a more different approach.

    Last minute thoughts and quotes:

    You shouldn’t have to convince someone to love you.

    Actions speak louder than words

    What you see is what you get.

    Love yourself first before trying to love someone else.

    Don’t go where you’re not wanted.

    “As I’m getting older, I’m really learning unconditional love and loyalty are extremely important.” -Bindi Irwin

    Quote of the day

    “Never regret a day in your life. Good days give happiness, bad days give experience, the worst days give lessons, and the best days give memories.”

  • Coming out of Quarantine

    Coming out of Quarantine

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    Today was the 2nd day being back at work and I couldn’t be happier. It feels so nice to finally be out of the house and be able to see my work family and clients. We’re currently unable to blow dry and have to wear a face mask all day so it’s been very strange but I’m happy to just be able to work again.

    I wanted to make this blog post because there was a ton I realized during this whole shut down. There were things about myself that I learned and there were things I dealt with that I didn’t think I’d ever deal with. So I want to share a few things that I learned about myself and things that I did that helped me realize more about myself.
    The first thing I want to touch base on is

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    Guitar:
    In my previous blog, I explained that I ordered a Fender Stratocaster Electric Guitar from Guitar Center. After receiving it I downloaded an app called Guitar Tricks that you pay $20 a month and it teaches you everything to know about guitar. It teaches you how to hold down the strings, which fingers go where, how to play simple chords to start etc. The app is pretty amazing in teaching you how to learn on your own. I still have a long way to go with learning how to play but I’m making slow progress.
    The minute that I picked up the guitar I realized the amount of passion I have for music. I can’t sing for shit but I can definitely try and download an app for that too in case I want to learn lol. Not to mention I discovered sooooo much music on Spotify.
    My next step is to get in-person guitar lessons so that I can learn. Certain things will require that kind of help for me because I can be stubborn when learning anything.

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    The Strip:
    I went down to the strip a few times to check it out and see what was going on down there. It was strange seeing everyone on their bikes riding around in packs. It felt like Santa Monica without the beach lol.

    The last time I went down there was for Cinco de Mayo and I saw a ton of people riding their bikes. I went down there with a friend and had tacos and beer like a true Latino lol.

    It’s sad and scary seeing the strip completely closed. I walked by the Bellagio and saw it completely boarded up like a horror movie. The Cromwell had their slots completely shut off and the part of the machine that you insert your ticket was blinking on all the slots which gave it a horror movie feel.

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    Reading:
    I’m a very slow reader for the simple fact that I just cannot dedicate time to sitting down for an hour or two just READING. I’ll be reading and then get an idea in my head about something relating to my phone or a show and then I’ll put the book down and do that. It’s hard for me to sit still and do 1 thing when I want to do 3 at the same time. It’s fucked up but it’s how my brain works. This book I was reading teaches you how to avoid doing that and how to talk to yourself when you get easily distracted.
    The book is called “Clearing Emotional Clutter” by Donald Altman. It was such an informative book that breaks down how you react to situations and how people react with their emotions etc. The first few chapters were a snooze. I felt like a lot of what the book explains, I already knew or have been doing. Going towards the middle to the end of the book is where my mind was blown. There’s a lot of guilt and shame I struggle with to this day with Nicks passing. There are times I want to say sorry for some of the things I did and said that I still feel bad about. I guess I always thought that maybe by just forgetting about it and just acting like it was something that happened, that it would go away. The more I tried to do that, the more I couldn’t let go of the situation.
    At the end of reading this book, it opened up my mind to a few things that I’m currently going through.
    Guilt: Blaming yourself for something that can’t be changed
    Remorse: Harnesses feelings about past actions to motivate you to act differently in the future.
    Forgiveness: Asks to wipe your slate clean and start over. You can’t forget certain things but you can choose to forgive yourself for hurts you might have caused others, and for hurts, others have caused you. Forgiving yourself helps you move forward healthily.
    I know it might seem silly but this break down is exactly what I needed to move forward because it’s exactly where I am in life. I was fully able to understand and better identify what it means to truly forgive yourself from past guilt.

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    Coming out of Quarantine:

    I realized that I don’t have the same passion for writing how I used to.. I used to love blogging and talking about anything but I’ve come to a point in my life where I’m choosing to become a little more private with my life and current situations I’m going through. I’m not saying I’ll stop blogging and talking about my life experiences when I travel or feel like I can share something that might help others. I’m just saying that I’m going to be more mindful of what I choose to share with the world these days. So instead of blogging and sharing everything I’m feeling. I’ll try to talk more about what I might have learned recently to help others rather than always talking about feelings. There’s a lot of personal things I’ve gone through that have left me feeling really bottled because normally I blog my feelings out and get a better understanding of the situation. Unfortunately, some situations are meant to be dealt with alone and dealt with in a personal manner. Blogging helped me as a teenager growing up to better understand life and understand myself. As an adult, I feel like I’ve come to a turning point in my life where I want to just be more careful with what I share.
    I’ve taken a good look at every aspect of my life that I might not be happy about.
    I’ve thought of people I surround myself with, my living situation and where I see myself by the end of the year, I’ve set goals, I’ve thought of how to further my career doing hair.

    With anything, you have to have a goal on where you see yourself and how you’ll get there. You can’t get in a car and just drive around hoping you’ll find where it is you need to go, you have to have a plan.

    Overall I feel like everyone’s life could always use a little work and mine isn’t as bad as I might feel it is sometimes but it needs some polishing and some weed pulling from it.
    By doing all of this self-work and bringing things to the surface, it has pulled out some major emotions that I’ve been dealing with and I’m happy it happened because now I can continue to move forward again.
    Life has a strange way of working out and this will be a moment in my life I’ll always remember because it has lead me back to myself a little bit more. The path I chose, I know I can trust will get me where I want to go with ease in my heart.

    I’m going to continue working on a few other things that I started during quarantine that I want to keep under the radar until everything is ready. All I can say is that I’m glad I had this time off to reset and think of what more I can do in life and what more I can do to help others.

    I can’t wait to share with everyone later down the road.

  • Quarantine Chronicles

    Quarantine Chronicles

    It’s currently windier than shit. It’s been raining on and off since yesterday and it’s a full moon on top of that.

    Via Google: “Spiritually, the Pink Moon always signifies rebirth and renewal. After a long winter, the resurgence of the color pink is a revitalizing dose of beauty and joy. It serves as a reminder that life is a set of ups and downs, a cycle of hibernation and reawakening.

     

    Yesterday (April 7th) was the start of our pink super moon aka the brightest moon we’ll have this year. It was so gorgeous yesterday that I was able to see the pink hue from my part of town when it was rising. It was so gorgeous that I went to Red Rock around 11:30pm to get a closer look at it. I was out there alone laying on the hood of my car listening to my music and just focusing on my intentions. The moon was so fucking clear that I felt like I had another pair of glasses on.

    As of the past 2 years I’ve felt this strange connection with the moon and I feel it more so when I go to Red Rock. The feeling I get when I go to Red Rock to visit the moon is like when you’re a child and you’ve had a bad day and just want to cry and so you go to your parents to let it all out and get some answers and hugs. The moon has a strange way of pulling out my emotions and allowing me to release what I need to and ask for the things I want. I feel it embraces me.

    When I was driving home around 12:30am there were about 6 SUV cops all huddled at the stoplight right before you get to Red Rock. I have no idea why they were there but I’m pretty sure they were either stopping people from going to Red Rock or asking if people were driving to Pahrump or something of the sort. Crazy how we have so much restriction right now.

    Anyways

    It has been pretty cloudy lately that it doesn’t even feel like being in Vegas. All I can think about is how locusts might return again the way they did last year. At least this time no one will be out and about to be terrorized by the fucking things.

    My allergies have been terrible and this virus comes at such a bad time because you can’t sneeze or cough around people right now without everyone scattering like roaches.

    I just took my allergy medicine that I hate taking it because it dries me out completely. I always have to drink so much water and sometimes wake up with a dry throat that makes me think I got the ronez.

    It’s been exactly 3 weeks that Nevada has been into its shut down and so far I’ve managed to: Clean and organize my room, shop online for shit I don’t need, drink, read, dance in my underwear all. fucking. day, drink, take selfies, and drink some more.

    I think that during the beginning of my quarantine I was going a bit nuts because I was thinking about it a little too much. I’m used to going to bars and restaurants whenever I want at whatever time I want. Since I can’t do all the things I normally do, it’s forcing me to do the things I always wanted to get around to doing. I have the free time now but I’m also reminding myself that it’s also ok to just play on the computer and just relax.

    I went as far as ordering an electric guitar and I’ve been watching youtube videos on how to play. Maybe playing guitar is something I should be doing to relieve stress? I’ve just always held myself back because I never had time to play or had anyone to show me how to play. Now just seems like the perfect time to teach myself and just jump into playing.

    I’ve been off work now for a month.. I fucking miss my friends/co-workers. Now I’m just chillin like a motha fuckin villain. I can’t do shit to change the situation and things could be a lot worse so I’ve just accepted it for what it is. This situation has fucked up my sleeping schedule completely. I have been going to bed at like 5-6am every night lol. I woke up my nephew today and told him to open his blinds and so he opens them and I was like you realize that it’s 3 in the afternoon right? He straight-up covers himself with his blanket and goes “Yup and?” because he knows we ain’t going to do shit today so I couldn’t even be mad lol.

    I’ve enjoyed this time off so I’m not going to complain. I doubt I’ll ever get to rest like this again in my life and it makes me really happy that my mom is resting more. My mom is who I’ve been the most concerned for when it comes to this virus since she’s older but the fact that she’s been resting and just sitting down more instead of constantly doing shit, makes me happy. I’m still in disbelief with how contagious this virus is and how rapidly it’s spreading throughout the world.

    It’s just shocking how life was totally normal one day and then the following day I’m moving my things out of the salon and being told to stay inside because of a virus sweeping the nation. How did we go from 0-1000 in 5 seconds?

    When I was in Canada it hadn’t even touched Montreal yet. I was still careful about everything I did and touched there but it wasn’t as bad as when I got back. I think a day or 2 after I got back from Montreal is when Italy was hit hard and after that I feel is when everything else in the world started to shut down and go crazy like a domino effect. Luckily I didn’t book my trip even a week after I planned on going because otherwise I would have been stuck in Canada! I would of became a citizen and a hooker! lol.

    Overall

    I hope that if there’s anything you’ve thought of wanting to do, whether it be learning a new craft, painting the house, learning a new language, then I hope you’re utilizing this time to do that.

    If you’re someone who never had time to relax because of work or life etc etc. then I hope that you’re opening a bottle of wine and enjoying your time off because you deserve it and the universe thinks so too.

    This is no obligation to do or not do during this time because shit is crazy and if you want to spend your time worrying about the world, then you’re more than allowed to worry about the world…. Just do us a favor and have a drink honey.

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  • Date of Birth and Rebirth

    Date of Birth and Rebirth

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    I’m currently sitting at the dining room table drinking my sleepy time tea and trying to write out as much as what’s on my heart as I can. It’s a wolf moon tonight and I’m definitely feeling the effects. It’s called a wolf moon because back in ancient times, wolves would howl the most around this time.

    I’m feeling compelled to write tonight because I figured now would be a good time to open up and talk about how the past year has been and where I’m at with my whole healing process.

    Today January 10th is Nicks birthday.

    He would of been 35 today.

    I was very busy today and it really helped keep a lot of feelings away. Not that I was avoiding them, I’m just glad that I was able to keep it together for the entire day and just work.

    All day I kept thinking about where I wanted to go to dinner to celebrate Nick and just have a quite dinner.

    I got off work and decided to head to North Italia right across the street from my work for some pasta. It was the one place that kept popping into my mind when I thought of places to go eat. Normally when I get images of things to do or people to text, it always turns out to be a sign.

    I got to the restaurant at about 8pm and immediately was seated. I was sat at the only table available that was in the center of the restaurant set for 2. I carefully looked over the menu to see if there was anything that really stood out to me that I wanted to eat for Nick. I went with the bread (which he fucking loved bread) and the same Mafaldine squid ink pasta that I always get. I couldn’t drink alcohol because I’ve been on antibiotics so instead I had water with no ice and a Pepsi. I looked around and saw bunches of families having dinner, birthdays going on, friends gathered and there little ol’ me was, having dinner all alone lol. For the first time I actually felt a little weird having dinner alone because I was the only person eating by myself and it was so crowded.

    Before my food came out I noticed my friend Hilda sitting at the table across from me with her friends. She and I went to school together at Paul Mitchell and everyone thought she and I were brother and sister because of how alike we look and act. So I greeted her and went to wash my hands. When I got back my food had already started coming out.

    I sat down and began to eat.

    During this time I felt it was appropriate to text Nicks family and check in on everyone and see how they were handling the day. His mother was at a birthday party having some cake for Nick, his sisters were at home and his dad was at work. I was feeling a bit emotional at this time.. I kept wondering if he was with me, what we would have been doing for his bday, if he’s ok etc etc. I definitely wasn’t about to start crying in public though. I mean imagine being out at dinner and you seeing someone all alone at a table crying their ass off while eating spaghetti and bread. People would have probably thought I had eating issues. No thanks lol.

    I finished my dinner and left my pepsi and water glasses half full. I was contemplating getting desert but I just knew that if I ordered it, I would NOT be able to finish all of it by myself, plus I wanted to get him cupcakes when I went home. I asked for my check and when the waiter handed it to me the total amount was $33.05…

    I was BLOWN AWAY.

    It reminded me of how things are not just a coincidence. 33 is my spirit number and ever since the Yosemite trip for his 1 year with his family, I’ve been seeing 33 EVERYWHERE.

    Here is a description of what the number 33 stands for:

    The angel number 33 is a very spiritual and emotional number. It carries the energy of many spiritual and religious aspects. Such as the ascended masters, the holy trinity, and the third eye. It is the energy of our physical lives being connected and intertwined with the spiritual.

    Angel Number 33 is a message from your angels that any positive changes or projects you are considering right now will be well worth your while, and you will be assisted in the undertaking.

    I very much believe that it was a sign from Nick letting me know he was at dinner and that he’s watching and listening. Everything just fell into place for me to see that number and be reminded that he’s with me.

    I sat there for a minute and just played on my phone and my friend Hilda left her friends for a minute to come talk to me. I explained to her why I was eating alone and why I was there and we just talked about everything and about life in general. Even though my friends know the story, it felt nice to just have someone there with me during this time to just sit and talk about it with.. I was grateful for her at this moment and so I said my goodbyes and went to the store to pick up some chocolate cupcakes.

    When I got home my nephew and I lit a candle for him and made a wish.

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    Although he can’t be here, it still feels good to honor his memory and remember the joy he brought to me and everyone.

    The days have started to get a little easier on me. I’ve come to terms with the fact that this is always going to be with me because it’s left a scar. Even though that’s the case, it’s ok.

    I remember cloudy days being very rough on me. They would make me feel very depressed and I would not even be thinking about him or the situation I would just automatically get depressed. Now when I see clouds out when I wake up, I don’t cry. It’s something so simple as this that lets me know I’m healing. It’s a good feeling to know I’m healing because this truly has been a trauma in my life and it feels nice to know that I’m slowly beginning to feel a little more like myself.

    I still beat myself up for some of the things I did or said and even though everything is done now it still lingers.. I often wish I could take back some of the things I said and ways I acted but since I can’t and since these things hurt, I decide to turn them into positives by doing something for every little thing I might feel bad about. I recently wrote out evvvverything I felt bad about and I cried and I cried doing it but it really helped me feel better because I was realizing it and seeing it on paper and putting all that hurtful energy into writing. After that I wrote about the things I’m grateful for that he brought to my life. You’d be surprised how much writing everything out helps.

    I’m currently still working on a big project that will be released this year. The illustrations are being created right now and I feel in my heart that with everything that has happened with Nicks passing, that this is where destiny has lead me with this whole situation. It’s a good path and it’s helping me release a lot of emotion into a positive way.

    I’ll be revealing within the next month what it is since enough illustrations have been made for me to announce it and I hope you all will enjoy it.

    To end this blog I just want to say thank you to those who have been helping me through this and talking things through with me. I’m doing good but having friends on those days that aren’t good, really means the world to me. I know I’ll be ok eventually but it makes me happy to know that my heart is healing more, day by day.

     

    Quote of the Day

    If you know anyone struggling with their mental health, reach out. If someone pops into your thoughts for whatever random reason, text them and tell them you love them.

    Be the light that someone might need because the world needs a little more light, faded darkness, and lots and lots of love..

  • 365 Day Memory Cycles

    365 Day Memory Cycles

    I really don’t know where to start with writing this.

    My head is such a mess these days that I’m for once struggling to find the words on how I feel.

    I’m in disbelief that it has already been a year since Nick passed. I really feel like I’ve stood still in time with the whole situation. It’s a crazy crazy feeling to really think that 365 days have really gone by. This past week has felt like I’ve relived the whole scenario all over again. I can’t help but think about those last text messages we said to each other and thinking of how he just stopped responding to me…

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    I’ve found myself wondering today what was on his mind that day..

    Was he truly sure about doing what he did? Is it what he really wanted? What were other things he was thinking about that day and was he nervous?

    The hardest ones I think about are was he going to miss me?.. Why couldn’t love be enough? Was he thinking about the love we shared and how special it was? Did he think about how much I really loved him and how this would hurt me?

    I’ll never know but it’s not about me. It’s about him and him being at rest and being at peace with himself..

    I think about how horrifying it was to be woken up at 4am with the coroner inside my house breaking the news to me and showing me the notes he left..

    I think I’ve done a lot of blocking out to where my minds become a little bit backed up with information with no outlet. I’ve lost a lot of my motivation to write. I’m working on getting back there but everything has still been really hard to deal with. I’m finally understanding the effects of depression and no matter how much I fight it, there are still those days that make it hard to even get out of bed. The best advice I can give about being depressed is DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE SHIT. Do I deal with my emotions? Yes in my own way. Sometimes it’s not the healthiest but I get through it.

    I think I’ve done an “ok” job with trying to accept the fact he’s been gone. What I mean by that is that when it first happened the first few weeks/months didn’t feel very real but every so often it would and that’s where my emotions became a constant mess with coming and going.

    I’d be lying if I said I was completely ok. I’d be lying if I said that I’m over what happened and so I’m not going to lie. I just feel sometimes like I’m in a coma from life in general. I have all these people around me giving me love and sitting through things with me but I’m not really awake to be receptive to it, just hear it.

    What I will say is that I’ve been happy with my progression this year. Work has been going amazing in the sense that I’m steadily growing and taking more classes and having the support around me every day is a true blessing. I’m blessed to work with such caring people and blessed to have a boss that genuinely wants to make sure I’m ok..

    Grieving over someone I was in love with is not like any other thing I’ve ever witnessed or experienced. Losing someone this close and living my life like everything is normal is just un-fucking-realistic. It’s an unrealistic expectation to think that in a few months, I thought I’d be ok. I thought I’d be ok by now in my head. I thought that the missing him would have eased a little but it all continues to come and go and leaves me feeling lonely a lot of times.

    One thing I never mentioned that I probably should have was that when Nick passed away, my first love from high school passed away 4 days later.. His name was Matt and Matt knew my whole life and we remained the best of friends. Matt was there for me during every major event in my life. The sad part about that situation is that since I was grieving for Nick I wasn’t truly able to grieve for Matt. I still try to tap into those emotions on how I feel about what happened to him and such but I can’t because the loss of Nick was so major that the lines between my emotions get blurred and the loss of Nick overpowers any situation. It still hurt because Matt was my first boyfriend. He would call me piglet and I’d call him pooh bear and up until he passed we still called each other those names we gave each other when we were teenagers..

    I’m not saying this now because I want sympathy but because although all my friends were there for me when Nick passed away, not many people knew the story about Matt and how he had passed away too.. No one knew how deep I truly was hurt losing 2 of the most important men in my life.. I just wanted to focus on 1 hurt but instead it was coming at me both ways and making me feel a lot like I was drowning. Without friends I have no idea what would of happened to me.

    I remember being upset that Matt hadn’t reached out to me because he was the type to see what I posted on Facebook and reach out to me and see how I was doing. I remember being on Facebook and seeing he had passed away and so I reached out to his best friend and she told me what happened..

    The last time I saw Matt he was incredibly depressed and it was so not like him at all because he was always so fun loving and what happened to him leads me to believe that he was not taking care of himself because of how hurt he was in life..

    The loss of these 2 men in my life has lead me to believe that even though men are strong and have a stigma of carrying the weight of everything; we all feel in the end… Society tells us that boys don’t cry but we do and we feel and that is not a weak trait. The thing with most guys is they don’t open up because they don’t want to come off as weak and that’s not fair. I’ve lost very important people in my life because of this. So if you’re reading this and you do that, let that shit in and be honest with yourself and others around you who want to help you.

    Nick and Matt were both so similar and they were both Capricorns like myself and we all had that same trait to us of just trying to be stronger than we really are.. The only difference is I found a way to release emotion…

     

    I’ve met some great people but none like Nick and no connections as strong as the one I had with him either. I’ve been lucky to find guys that genuinely care about me and want to help me through this… But there’s only so much one can do.

    Unless you’ve been in a situation like mine the best way of getting help is a lot like when someone is walking you home from a long walk you went on together. You can walk and talk and laugh and cry but at some point that friend is going to have to turn around and start walking home and you have to finish walking back by yourself.

    There’s a cutoff point.

    Ex: There’s a point where someone can’t relate on that deep of a level and just offer advice and it’s up to you to continue that walk by yourself.

    It’s hard to even be intimate with someone or want to get closer because I realize I have not let go of Nick. I still feel like I’m in a relationship and it really interferes with meeting people. But that’s ok because I continue to feel completely emotionally unavailable. I guess it just feels nice to get out of the house and meet new people even if they don’t stick around long.

    Ex: When I’m out with someone new I’ve just met, it feels a lot like reading a book. You’ll be reading but realize you’ve stopped paying attention because of something in your subconscious coming up to distract you but you’re still reading. It’s like you know the bits and pieces of the book are good and it’s good overall but you’re just not interested enough to continue reading. That’s just how disconnected things start to feel between me and people I meet.

    I know that one day if I do meet someone again, it’ll feel the same way it felt when I met Nick. I’m not going to compare him or look for the exact same feeling I got when I met him but I know when I meet that ‘guy’ if I do, that I’ll know in my heart they’re the one.

     

    Grieving started to get easier in May/June from what I noticed. I started to sit down with myself more and really think of how far I’ve come with the situation and how I feel now. I realized then that things felt like they were getting easier just a little bit.

    What makes things hard sometimes is the thought of how much he truly loved me from the way he was nesting before he passed away.

    One thing I probably didn’t mention in previous posts is that… A few days before he passed I noticed he bought an extra remote for the play station because he knew how upset I got that he sold the extra one we had because I wanted to play videos games with him. So he bought an extra controller and when I think back at it now I realize that he did that so that I’d have someone else to play with because he knew I’d get lonely..

    Had he not done little things like that around the house, I think it might be a little easier to let go but they’re such solid reminders of love that I can’t help but feel that love all the time. I’m not fighting it but I’m saying that I’ll always love and cherish him and his memory because of the amount of love he gave me even up until he passed away.

    I’ve started to forget what it was like sleeping with someone else. I’ve started to get used to not being kissed every day and not being held every day.

    I remember what it was like when he and I were together. I remember what touch was like with him when I really think about it but I’ve slowly learned to be single again and to put those precious memories in a box and box it away.

    The past year I’ve dreamt with him a ton to the point it feels like living a double life. Most of the time in dreams he either doesn’t say much to me, he looks sad, or I see him with someone else. I wake up most of the time extremely upset and sometimes crying the entire day because the dream just seemed so real but it was not so much a good one with him.

     

    There’s only been 1 dream on record that was my favorite.

    We had gone out to the garage, a local gay bar here in town and it was dark with neon lights and death star fixtures hanging from the ceiling (from star wars which he loved star wars). We went home and took a nap and I woke up and started to get ready to go to the movies. I was getting all sorts of dressed up, bow tie and everything. I realized he was dozing off on the bed and so I then went to him and told him to wake up so we can make it to the movie in time. We got to the movies and the movie theater room we were in was huuuuge. We found our seats and watched a movie and it was just perfect. The feeling was so serene in the dream and it felt exactly how it felt when he and I would go to the movies. I remember looking at him and smiling and watching the movie and just feeling happy and so calm. We weren’t holding each other or anything we just sat there quietly watching the movie and that feeling of calmness in the dream, I can still remember.

    I remember waking up and just being so calm the entire day because of the dream.

    Going to the movies was our favorite thing to do. We went so many times a month and so I knew in my heart that in this dream he was definitely visiting me and creating that same experience for me, that we used to have together.

    Then there’s dreams like the one I dreamt a few weeks back…

    I had dreamt we were in a different town by some railroad tracks and I saw him and ran up to him and gave him the biggest hug and told him I knew he was back and that he wasn’t dead. I kissed him and hugged him and he didn’t really do anything back. I just felt this sense of sadness come from him and then I woke up.

    Those are the dreams that fuck up the rest of my day because they make you feel like when you want something so bad and you know you can’t have it.

    He always got me gifts.

    One thing we had ALL OVER THE FUCKING APARTMENT, were charging cables. So today on the way to Yosemite I was charging my phone with the last cable he gave me that I’ve used in my car for the past 2 years. Somehow the cable bent and broke and so I kept trying to wiggle it and my phone wasn’t really charging. I then realized a piece of the charger BROKE OFF INSIDE OF MY FUCKING PHONE. The first thing that popped into my head was GET YOUR FIRST AID KIT because I had a sewing needle in it. So I used that sewing needle to get it out and it popped right out.

    But now my cable is ruined and I have to throw it away. I know that I can keep it but then I’m just hoarding and I don’t want to do that. I take it as a form of Nick wanting me to let go of a lot of things that remind me too much of him because he wants me to move on and be happy. I’m sure he knows this weekend is hard as it is so he wants me to just be easy on myself. At least this is the vibe I’m getting.

    To sum everything up

    Grieving over someone you loved is easily one of the hardest things you could ever experience. I’ll cry at certain moments out of nowhere. I’ll hear a song that reminds me of him and either cry or know he’s around. I know it’s not supposed to be something easy but I’ve also realized it’s never going to go away. I’m sure I’ll find ways to deal with it and learn to live with it but I don’t think I’ll ever truly get over it. I know down the road I’ll miss him at times and think of the things he did for me and how much he helped me in life.

    But overall I’ve tried to hold onto the things that keep me feeling close to him like his unwashed shirt, going to the movies alone, listening to music we both liked, singing in the car to the songs he loved hearing me sing. The way he would put his arm around me when we would leave the movies is something I miss a lot now for personal reasons..

    I feel in my heart that after this weekend I’ll truly be able to heal a little bit more. I think what I was holding onto so much were the memories we made last year. All the places we went and how social media would remind me of certain events we went to and how happy we were together. I was holding onto each one of those memories. Now that the 1 year has passed by who knows what the next step of healing is. This 1 year was the memories. Learning to look back and smile and not cry as much (granted I still fucking do cry) but it was learning to just be ok with myself and to continue to love him but to let go a little bit more..

     

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    Dear Nick,

    It’s been a year since you’ve been gone now and you’ve missed so much.. I’ve let my mohawk grow back out like you liked! I missed having long hair so I’m growing it back out. I’ve picked up some of your habits you used to do to remind myself the impact you left on me and so that I never forget you. When I shave I bang my razor against the wall the same way you used to, to clear the blades lol. I’m growing up more and more each day and maturing more and loving more. I’ve changed some of my ways to make sure I never make the same mistakes I did in how I might of made you feel sometimes. I’ve learned to love a little more and to understand where others are coming from before jumping to conclusions… Kind of…. lol.

    I hope you’re healed in another world from the pain you were in. I hope you feel how much I love and miss you. I pray that the constellation in the stars of our zodiac sign will always be a permanent reminder to you of how far my love will always travel for you.

    I hope you know how hard this has been without you..

    How hard it has been going to the movies alone, driving alone, and sometimes eating alone. There’s nothing I can do or say to make myself feel better other than to suffer through the pain when it rolls in but I don’t mind it. I’ve understood that by letting pain in, it has also helped me heal. The harder I cry and the more it comes in and destroys me,  the easier it gets to rebuild stronger and just learn to carry you in my heart without it hurting as much..

    I know when the strings in my heart begin to uncross and my head begins to become more clear, I’ll let go.

    When rainy days become enjoyable again and when I can look at the cloudy skies and just appreciate those days and nights in, without crying, I’ll know I’ve moved on but kept you in my heart.

    I’ll know the day I decide to ever go to a movie again with someone else whether it be a friend or a lover, I know you’ll be there and I know that it’ll be your way of saying it’s time to enjoy a movie with others.

    Even though you’re gone… I know you feel my sadness, I know you feel my heart with everything that I’m going through. Even though it might not be pleasant watching me go through this, know that each tear that’s shed and each emotion that’s worked up, is all just with the true love that I continue to have for you in my heart because I love you.

    Your warm embrace was reassurance of the love you had for me. Your heart is what I fell in love with. Your joy brought me the most love and light I’ve ever experienced. Your smile will always be remembered. Your touch I can still feel. Your laughs I can still hear. Your’ hugs and kisses I miss every day.

    All these things helped create the essence of the love we shared and it will always be valued and cherished.

    Your ashes will always be carried with me and will serve as a reminder that we’re all human headed to the same place and because of that, I know I’ll see you again..

    I love you

    I continue to love you and will always love you..

    Sincerely,

    Your Squirrel

    🐿️❤️ 🐻

  • Letters from the Arctic pt.5

    Letters from the Arctic pt.5

    Sunday: The last full day

    I woke up to Janusz calling me at 9:30am… Before we parted ways the night before he specifically told me that he would be calling me at 9:30am to wake me up so we could go to the black sand beach where Season 7 of Game of Thrones ended. He told me he knew how to get there and wanted to also take me to a waterfall that was on the way. I didn’t believe he was telling me the truth about 9am, but he was! I slept through all 5 million phone calls because of how fucked up I got the night before and didn’t wake up until about noon.

    He came over and we ended up heading out around 1:30pm.

    The entire time I was in Iceland the weather was being so finicky. It was either raining, snowing, hella fucking windy (to where people were getting hit with shit from the street) or just cloudy. I didn’t mind at all but this last day was the clearest I had seen it. Janusz was even saying it was amazing how clear the roads were when we were driving and how they don’t get clear weather like that normally. I couldn’t believe it either. When I had taken my tours the roads were a fucking mess. There was snow everywhere and I was just thinking to myself there was no way I was driving BY MYSELF IN THE COUNTRY, with those roads the way they looked. But Sunday there was no snow anywhere in sight on the roads.

    The beach was about 2 1/2 hours away from Reykjavik so a trip from Vegas to Zion Utah. We stopped by a convenient store to get some snacks and we were on our way!

    One thing I noticed Janusz doing was taking photos of everything. I was paying attention to how careful he was being with making sure he took a lot of good shots and he would occasionally take photos of me. It made me smile because Nick knew how much I loved having my photo taken or I’d shout at him when we were driving to take a photo of the mountains if we were up in Red Rock lol. I felt like it was another guided message from him and the universe. For meeting a stranger and him taking photos of everything, was a pretty rare thing. The similarity brought me comfort and I was grateful for all his help creating memories.

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    I couldn’t believe everything I was seeing when I was driving. I mean fuck, this country was absolutely incredible. We would be driving through the mountains and all of a sudden you’re now next to the ocean and then driving through mountains again. I saw so many Icelandic horses on the drive. I saw a giant Volcano that was covered by a glacier. Janusz was giving me one giant history lesson about the volcanos.

    Our first stop was the Seljalandsfoss waterfall

    My friend Rae let me borrow her amazing raincoat for the trip since my dumbass forgot to take one. Let me just tell you guys that a raincoat by the waterfalls is an ABSOLUTE MUST. The closer you get the wetter you get!

    He took me to this other waterfall that was inside a cave and MADE ME TAKE MY SHOES AND SOCKS OFF TO GET INSIDE! The water was about ankle deep and my feet were FREEZING. I could barely walk in it. People were looking at us like we were crazy lol. But that waterfall was absolutely breath taking. There was a giant boulder that people were taking photos on and the minute we got in is when everyone started to leave the cave so Janusz was taking a ton of photos of me on it lol. My hair was DRENCHED since I was so close to the waterfall.

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    We hung out for a good 1 1/2 and then headed to the beach that was about 40 min away from where we were. We had to be quick because the sun was starting to set and we wouldn’t be able to see much after that.

    We arrived to Reynisfjara black sand beach

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    We got there and when you start to approach the beach you go up these steps that lead you to the water and the waves are sooooo close to the shore to where you find yourself struggling to take a selfie because you’re running from the waves rolling in. It definitely wasn’t Santa Monica lol.

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    Janusz took dozens of photos of me there and then I told him I needed a moment to myself to just kind of say some goodbyes to Nick and just talk to him. So I walked away to a spot where No one could really see me and I just talked to him and told him a poem I had recently heard on the way to Iceland from the movie ‘The Shape of Water’.

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    “Unable to perceive the shape of you, I find you all around me. Your presence fills my eyes with your love. It humbles my heart, for you are everywhere.”

    As I stood there watching the waves crash, I could feel the amount of power and energy that beach held..

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    I had a necklace that was a heart and a moon that said ‘I love you’ on the heart and ‘to heaven and back’ on the moon. The heart is where Nicks ashes were kept and I felt compelled to scatter them but then I thought it over and the only words I kept hearing in my head were “release me, let it go, throw it out” and so instead of scattering his ashes I unscrewed the heart from my necklace and held it tight and made a wish of love and hope.

    So with all my emotions and tears I threw it as hard as I possibly could when I saw the next big wave..

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    To me it was another step closer to getting closure and making my wish come true. I could feel every emotion in me and realized why this beach specifically was calling to me. All I did my entire trip was follow the signs when they presented themselves and this was the biggest one as I’ll reveal later in this post.

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    I walked back to where Janusz was and we took a few more photos before heading back to the car. It was dark and we had such a long drive ahead of us. On the drive back to the city we could see the northern lights vaguely appearing above us. It was true magic being able to just drive through the country witnessing such beauty.

    We got back into town around 9pm and went to the store. Janusz studied culinary for 5 years so ya boy KNOWS HOW TO COOK. I hopped in the shower and he started to cook. He made me fish with mashed potatoes, a mushroom sauce and some noodles. It was DELICIOUS but so much food that I couldn’t eat all of it lol.

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    It was about midnight now and he had work the next day so we wrapped up dinner and said our goodbyes.

    I was so thankful for him and for the universe putting him in my path because he made the trip so exciting for me and was someone who really knew Iceland and told me so much of the history and showed me around the country. Not many strangers are willing to do this and till this day I’m still grateful for him and the memories that were created because they’re definitely going to last a lifetime.

    I laid on the couch for a bit and just really took in my trip. One of my best friends Tiara bought me a divinity tea reading gift.

    The way it works: You pour hot water water into your tea cup with leaves and swirl it around. You place your hand over the cup and put your energy into it. You then drain the water out and leave the cup flipped over on a paper towel to drain the rest of the water and then you flip the cup up to see what formed and depending on what forms, is your message.

    I feel like mine looked like an anchor and this is the meaning for it.

    Anchor

    This ancient tea leaf symbol suggests that you need to take a restful holiday by water.

    There have been many times you have been challenged by others. It may be a time when confusion and stress is likely to undermine the health of yourself and people close to you. If you see the anchor on its own in your teacup, it indicates that you have many friends and acquaintances and you sometimes never know who they truly are. As the anchor goes down to the seabed indicates that you are going to listen to your deep unconscious inner self.

    The anchor is an emblem of hope and promises rest and contentment after a tumultuous episode. It may indicate that a heartfelt wish will come true. Near the rim, the anchor symbolises true friends and a faithful lover.

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    This message was bizarre to me considering the fact I made a wish at the beach and considering the fact I am going through a hard time in life so I’m curious what manifests from this message in the future.

    I finished up soaking in the last night being in my air bnb and packed my things for tomorrow morning.

     

    Monday: Going home

    I woke up at 11am and made myself one last breakfast at my air bnb.

    I packed up the rest of my things and loaded up the car. Checkout was at 1pm and it was now 12:30pm

    After I was done eating and the car was all packed up, I sat down for a moment..

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    I looked around at where I got to stay and just thought of everything I got to do.. I felt so much gratitude and and wrote a thank you card to my Air bnb host. It was a couple, so I left them 2 Oribe sample packets along with 2 Charlie Brown Valentine’s Day cards as a thank you for letting me stay in their beautiful home. Afterwards I felt compelled to write a sorry letter to Nick so I could get a little more closure from the situation.

    I started crying and realized that everything I was saying sorry for was everything I truly did feel bad for doing in our relationship. I never did anything out of spite or malicious intent just to be clear. We sometimes got into heated arguments like every couple does, but when someone you love passes away, all of those things you said, haunt you. So I wrote down everything I possibly felt in my heart I was sorry about and kept the piece of paper with me. Hopefully in 10 years I’ll open it up and see what I wrote and see how far I’ve come from the situation.

    I grabbed my backpack checked out of my place and went to go walk around the city a little longer until it was time to leave. I had 2 hours to spare since my flight wasn’t leaving until 5:30pm. I realized my gloves that my friend gave me were wet still from the water fall! I was like fuck now I need to go buy gloves otherwise I’m going to be cold. I went searching for gloves and all I could find were Icelandic wool gloves…. I DON’T NEED THAT SHIT! I LIVE IN VEGAS FFS. I knew for a fact I wouldn’t wear them again and was not going to spend $50 on wool gloves for that reason lol. Plus I had already spent a fortune on the Icelandic sweaters I bought since I bought 3! So I gave up and went to the church since it’s a huge tourist attraction in Reykjavik. There’s an elevator that takes you all the way to the top of the church to overlook the city and so I walked into the church and the first words that left my mom were “HOLY SHIT” when I saw the massive line at the elevator to take everyone up! I was like GOD FORGIVE ME FOR JUST SAYING THOSE WORDS I DIDN’T MEAN IT! I couldn’t even believe myself saying that right as I walked in and not even exaggerating but EVERYONE in that line turned to look at me. I thought I was going to pass out.

    I didn’t stay very long. I felt a little uncomfortable with people sitting down staring at others and at me and to be honest the energy felt a lot like being in a museum. It didn’t feel like mass had just got out, it felt like people just coming to a church to look and leave. I was kind of shocked by that so I left.

    I went to the beach where I was staying at since I had not been to it yet. As I was walking there I was thinking of how blessed I was to be able to go on this trip. To see everything I did and to see how others live. I still didn’t have gloves but for some reason I didn’t care. Even though it was cold I didn’t feel that cold.

    So I kept walking until I reached the beach and went to see the Solfar Sun Voyager.

    Here’s the description:

    Solfar Sun is described as a dreamboat, or an ode to the Sun. The artist intended it to convey the promise of undiscovered territory, a dream of hope, progress and freedom.

    I took photos of it and then I was really bored at this point and decided to just head to the airport 3 hours earlier. I got in my car and realized my body was pretty cold but I noticed I was putting all of my emotions and pain into how cold I was and not even realizing it. I was obviously on this trip carrying a lot of pain and depression but 1 thing I didn’t realize is that I wasn’t cold the entire time on my tours or anywhere because I was putting all of my emotions into the cold and when it was time to go indoors and thaw out, the pain would leave and get easier. It was a repeated process that worked as therapy and it actually helped. I know it sounds a little out there and a little over the top but it’s true. The minute that I sat in my car I had this entire realization of what I was doing the entire trip. It was a concluded moment where I now realized why I came to Iceland. Why this is where I needed to be to heal because ever since the trip, I have not been the same.

     

    I was driving to the airport and I had no clue where I was going to drop off my rental or how I was going to get to my gate or anything. I had completely forgot that the rental drop off place was a little further away from the airport so I was kind of rushing because I didn’t know how long anything would take.

    I rented my car with Hertz and I couldn’t find it so I stopped at some random car rental place on the way and asked for directions to Hertz and they pointed me in the right way. I got there and there was seriously snow up to my ankles and I had to lug all my shit out in it and drag it to the shuttle that was taking me to the airport. It took a good 30 min to get to the airport but that was because we were waiting for more people to get on the shuttle. Once in the airport I decided to eat and that took about another 20 min of my time. I then went to go check my bag and on my way to customs I was asked 5 million questions about where I’ve traveled to and what I was doing in Iceland and what not. 

    I then had to take a train to my gate which took about 45 min because I got off at the wrong stop. Got back on then had to run to my gate because I had maybe 45 min until my plane was going to take off. I got to my gate right at boarding and had 20 min until my flight left. I was blown away that 3 hours had gone by so fast. While I was in line this girl was just as late as I was getting to the gate and had an attitude from hell. She then proceeded to I think call her boyfriend or friend or whoever the fuck that she went to visit in Iceland and bitched them out for almost missing her plane. She kept looking at people and saying things like “not your business look away” to just about everyone lol. I was cracking up and irritated at the same time because it’s not like she missed her flight she was just the last one to get to the gate like, SHUT UP.

    After that it was time for take off and goodbye to Iceland.

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    I landed in Seattle at about 5:30pm and has about 2 hours to kill. I went to Starbucks and grabbed coffee because I was tired and this time change was going to fuck me up again. I started to board around 7:30pm. As I was standing for everyone to get on the plane I checked to see if I had any notifications on my apple watch. I had 1 notification telling me that I had friends who wanted to photo share with me. It was strange because my watch has never alerted me about photo sharing. So I was thinking it was my girlfriends I went on my Seattle trip with because we had a shared album from the wedding and so I thought they might of asked me to create an album to share so they could see my trip photos but that was not the case.

    When I opened my phone to check it out, it was the photo album of the beach where I went to go say my goodbyes and where season 7 of Game of Thrones ended. I checked to see who it was that wanted to photo share and the only 2 people on the list were me and Nick…. Under Nicks name it said ‘Baby’ which was strange because I’ve never saved him as baby in my phone. His name was always Nick or Grizzly Bear in my phone, that was it, NEVER BABY. I was like NO FUCKING WAY…. It could of been any album from my trip.. ANY. I was taking photos up until that last day. Why the beach album? To me that told me that Nick heard me and was telling me that he was there with me. This is just how spiritual this trip was for me. I couldn’t believe the amount of signs I was getting from him the entire time and the connection I felt with the country…

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    This is the big sign I was talking about earlier in this post. This is the biggest sign I could of received from Nick on my trip.

    After all of this happened I looked up and I saw my friend Sonny who I used to kickbox with! She was in Seattle for a girls trip and so we got to talking and when we boarded we magically were in the same row but across in the opposite side! It was like fate was guiding me the entire time. Like this trip was meant to happen. Not to mention I was sitting next to a guy and noticed his socks. He was wearing long dress cocktail socks and so was I! lmao. All the coincidences that happened in a matter of 30 minutes lol.

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    I landed back in Vegas around midnight and had my mom come and pick me up. I couldn’t wait to go home, take a shower and go to sleep.

    And so that concludes my trip to Iceland.

    I highly recommend everyone go check the country out. There’s so much magic to it and so much to do and see.

    If you’re someone looking for some solitude and looking to self explore and just center yourself with the universe then you are someone who definitely needs to go and see and experience for yourself.

    I won’t say that I don’t miss Nick. I won’t say that things are easier, I won’t say I’m moving on. I will say that life has been put more into perspective for me. I understand life in a different light now because of all the signs I received on my trip. I realize that the people you love that have passed are not worlds away but right next to you and whatever energy they have, they’ll send signs with and you just have to keep your eyes open and ear to the ground to watch for them.

    I’m still healing and every day is still a struggle. The hardest part of this all is still missing him and missing the things we did together and how much he loved me. Finding love like the kind Nick gave me is such a rare thing but I have hope that there’s still some out there. Regardless, I feel him around still and dream him all the time.

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    If you’re reading this and you’re struggling with something similar, I hope you know that everything happens for a reason and know that life works out one way or another. Nothing lasts forever and we’re all here on borrowed time. It’s what you do with that time and all the good and happiness you bring to the world that makes life worth living. 

  • Letters from the Arctic pt.4

    Letters from the Arctic pt.4

    Saturday Day 4: Snorkeling in Silfra

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    It was the day of my snorkeling tour and thankfully I woke up not feeling sick. It was a good idea to just go home after my dinner I had the night before to avoid getting sick.

    I was beyond excited for this tour because of the amount of history it had to it.

    I was going to be snorkeling in Silfra in between the 2 tectonic plates where 2 major oceans are separated.

    Silfra is a fissure created by the separation of the North American and Eurasian tectonic plates cutting through Iceland. The Silfra fissure fills with glacial water that has been filtered underground for decades through hardened, porous lava rock. The filtering process of the glacial water makes Silfra one of the clearest bodies of water on earth with up to 120 meters of visibility.

    Most people do this tour in the summer for obvious reasons but once I saw the images when I was booking my tours, this one just looked the most magical.

    I walked down the street where my bus was going to be picking me up and there was a boy standing on the side of the road so I figured that was the bus stop. I swear some of these bus pick ups were literally just outside of hotels and hostels. There would be no bus signs, nothing, you just stand there on the side of the road and hope that your bus hasn’t passed by yet.

    My bus arrived and my driver was hot. He was this bald tall buff dude wearing a tank and a jacket half zipped blasting Pantera on the bus. I was melting lol.

    We drove out about 45 min to Silfra and when we got there we had clear instructions on where to go to start getting dressed for the tour. You had to go to a different bus that had the snorkeling suits with different sizes. You then have to go back to your bus and get suited up. Afterwards you then grab your flippers and the rest of the gear from crates that they had on the floor and just wait for everyone else.

    Getting ready was easily the most miserable part of this tour.

    The floors were all ice because of the snow and the rubber boots in the suits were so thin that your feet immediately start to freeze. It got to the point where we were standing on our flippers to avoid the freezing cold floor. We couldn’t wear gloves or beanies or anything and we were standing outside for a good 45 minutes. They put this rope around your neck over the suit so that water doesn’t get inside your suit and it was pretty uncomfortable.

    You get put in groups of 6 and wait for your wave to go which took foreeeever. I was talking to these 2 girls while waiting in the freezing cold. One of the girls was from Canada, her name was Julie and the other from Taiwan and her name was Lien. They were cracking me up taking photos of themselves looking miserable because of how cold they were lol. Lien had a Gopro so she was taking photos of everything in the water.

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    When we got down to the ramp they have you do something disgusting. YOU HAVE TO SPIT IN YOUR FACE MASK. Like, literally spit all in that shit… I guess the enzymes in saliva help from the mask fogging up which did work but it was FUCKING DISGUSTING to me. I know everyone is going to ask ‘WASN’T THE WATER COLD?’ no not at all because once in the water you do not feel how cold the water is because of the dry suit, plus, it was colder outside than in the water. Something shitty that does happen is water gets in your gloves regardless of how much you move your hands around to swim and your hands start to freeze so I had mine clenched most of the time.

    There are no fish or anything living in the water it’s all just rocks and shells that reflect light.

    While swimming I was just thinking to myself  ‘wow I’m really swimming in something that holds so much history’ even though I was struggling to swim because of how obnoxious the suit was. We swam for about 30 minutes and at that point I was ready to go. My gloves were filled with freezing cold water and I literally ran my ass back to the van while trying not to fall because of the ice on the ground. I was so uncomfortable because of the gloves that I could barely take them off and when I did my thumb was literally frozen to where I couldn’t even move it. Once it thawed out it hurt because of how cold my hands were lol.

    Once we all got back to the vans and got undressed they gave us hot coco to warm us all up lol.

    We hung out for maybe 20 minutes and then it was time to go which I was kind of glad about. I love the cold I really do but this tour REALLY TESTED ME. Needless to say, the tour was not as easy as it looked in photos but it was worth all the money.

     

     

    I got back to my place and showered to go out on the town with Janusz, a polish boy I had met. We were going to go to 101 Hotel to have a drink by the fire place. We both had espresso martinis which I totally needed after all that swimming I did. My friend Jacob had wrote to me while I was in Iceland and told me he used to live in Reykjavik and that he and his wife Debbie actually fell in love in Iceland and every Friday night they would go to 101 Hotel and have drinks by the fire. I thought it was the most romantic and endearing thing to do and so I definitely wanted to toast to them and their love. I met them at a wedding recently and we all just connected and they’ve instantly become such a big part of my life.

    Janusz and I sat by the fire and talked and got to know each other and it was just fun to be able to do this with someone I just met and since he lived in Iceland it was great to have him guide me around the town. I don’t think I’ve ever met a random stranger who was as kind as he was to me.

    Afterwards we went to a restaurant that was across the street that supposedly had good Icelandic food. Definitely did not disappoint!

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    We ordered puffin for appetizer which was very tender and kinda sweet but very good! I had whale for my main course and that was a shocker because it literally tasted like steak. I think the fact that it was grilled really helped but it literally tasted and looked like steak.

    Once we left the restaurant, we instantly hit the bars. He took me to a gay bar called Kiki which is the main gay bar in Iceland. It was cool but definitely not Vegas and I kind of felt like anyone goes there not just gay people. We kind of pub crawled after but once we left Kiki it started to snow! It was the first time I was actually in the snow while being in Iceland and it truly was like a dream. I felt the need to dance in it through out our escapades lol. The saying is definitely true about the rain and snow in Iceland…. It all comes at you sideways! So while you’re trying to walk, you’re getting wacked in the face with snow to the point where you can almost not even see lol.

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    I don’t normally make it a point to get drunk but I told myself I was getting HAMMERED since it was my last weekend in Iceland and I sure did get hammered. Janusz was taking me all over the place and we kept ordering more and more drinks. One thing I noticed is that most of these bars and clubs don’t have a DJ they just play music on a track which was different. Most of the songs coming on were either early 90’s or the super gay pop songs you grew up listening to. It really depended which bar you were at because some other bars we went to were playing early 2000’s songs from when I was in high school which realllllly took me back in time. It really made me happy hearing all the variety of different music I hadn’t heard in years but it was also interesting to be hearing it all play in a foreign country lol.

    Soon it was 2am and time to go home. Before we parted ways Janusz told me he wanted to take me to the waterfalls and to the Reynisfjara Black Sand beach where Game of Thrones season 7 ended. I was STOKED because the beaches were not a part of the Game of Thrones tour and I was super bummed about it since I really felt that the beach was calling my name. I wanted to go to the beach so so bad but didn’t want to go alone after seeing what the roads looked like in the country when I was on my tours. So he said he would go with me and I felt like I actually would really like that. It helps having someone who knows their way around the city just in case anything happens. I know I was being a wild child but driving in Iceland definitely requires a lot of caution and focus because of the weather conditions in the country. Driving in the city is fine because they pump hot water into the roads so that there’s no ice to slide on but once in the country, you don’t get that luxury.. I would be seeing these itty bitty ass cars driving through plows of snow. So yeah I was not about to do all of that alone because the responsible me was like ‘bitch don’t even try it without someone because if something happens YOU’RE IN A FOREIGN COUNTRY’ and so I listened to the voice talking to me in my head and took Janusz with me lol.

    He walked me back to my place and we said goodnight.

    Sunday was a very important part of my trip and easily the most spiritual..

  • Letters from the Arctic pt.3

    Letters from the Arctic pt.3

    Day 3: Game of Thrones Tour

    It was the first night I was able to sleep since being in Iceland. My body had finally adjusted to the time change thankfully because I feel it was the hardest thing for me being 8 hours ahead.

    I woke up at about 8:30am to get ready for the Game of Thrones tour I was doing. This was the longest tour I booked. It was going to be a solid 8 hours. The tour was going to be taking us to the main areas in Iceland where the show was filmed the most.

    I made my way down to the bus stop that was maybe a 5 min walk from my air bnb and waited for the tour bus to come pick me up. As I got closer to the bus stop I was realizing more how fast it is to miss your bus if you’re not paying attention. There was a Blue Lagoon tour bus that came to pick up these people and these 3 girls are completely distracted by their phones that the bus driver had to physically go grab them and ask what their names were to see if they were the people missing from the list. He was pissed lol.

    My bus came and I got on and apparently my tour guide was an extra in all first 4 seasons which was pretty neat. He was also in full costume so he had the whole beard thing going for him and I just knew he was going to really fill us in on everything about the show and I was right!

    Let’s go down the list of what I remember since there was so much talking that it was putting me to sleep.

    1.Season one of Game of Thrones is the only season that was not filmed in Iceland. Season 1 was filmed in Ireland. Every other season has been filmed in Iceland. The reason why they chose to film in Iceland is because they were having to spend so much money on fake snow for season 1 that they decided they just needed to go somewhere that had real snow where they could really film, that’s where Iceland came in!

    2.The fighting scenes in Game of Thrones where the actors are in hand to hand combat is actually REAL. The actors were made to beat the shit out of each other all in the sake of making the show more believable! I was SHOOK. I wish a bitch would try to pawn me off like that lol.

    3.Sometimes the weather would be so bad and the actors would physically have to shoot in that so in the show if you ever notice sometimes the actors look miserable it’s because they really were because of the snow and they’d be freezing from getting wet. Poor fellas!!!!

    4. NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED IN FILMING THE SHOW

    Those 4 things were the main things I remember because the guy was talking and talking and talking so I finally put my headphones in and just waited until we arrived to each destination.

     

    We first stopped at a stable to see some of the horses that were in the show and there was a dog that was chasing them around and getting them to go outside.

    It was still early so the sun was slowly coming up. The sun doesn’t rise until about 9:30-10am so it was still barely coming up as you can tell in the photos.

    After the stables we went to a convenient store to grab snacks and food for the tour and I took this opportunity to go shopping of course! They had all sorts of rad souvenirs so I grabbed a handful of keychains, an Iceland book of all the places to visit in Iceland, and an Iceland beanie! I must say that everything in Iceland is seriously so fucking expensive lol. On all the little shit I bought I spent easily $80.. I don’t even want to look at some of the receipts from the trip because I spent so much on little shit that it’s upsetting lol.

    We left the souvenir shop and headed to our first destination.

    The first stop we made was at the spot where the dragons make their debut in season 4 as adult dragons.

    Since I had so much time to think and really absorb everything going on around me there was one couple that I was paying attention to that were so sweet with each other. They asked me to take their photo and when I went to take it the girl started to hang all over him and make funny faces and he was just cracking up at what she was doing and going with it. I immediately started taking photos because it’s those little moments that speak volumes about your relationship. It was the cutest thing seeing them interact the entire time because you can just tell they really get each other and love each other and I loved seeing that.

    We spent maybe 30 min at each spot and were on a tight schedule so we took off to the next filming location.

     

    The following stop was where a lotttt of the show was filmed. It’s where they filmed the bloody gate with CGI effects and where Arrya and The Hound would walk through as well as when the Wildlings were passing by and the Thenns showed up.

    Our tour guide was showing us photos of where he was in the show which was pretty neat.

    I figure I’ll show more photos now since there isn’t much to say about the places we went to just that they were all covered in pounds of snow!

     

    The last location we went to was my FAVORITE. It’s where the fight scene broke out with the wildlings and the Thenns. It was my favorite because the house looked so cool and really gave you that sense of ‘wow, I’m standing where one of the greatest shows out was filmed’ kinda feeling.

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    The view from where this last location was absolutely beautiful.. It was high up and overlooked everything. It gives you such a deep feeling of appreciating life and appreciating how close to the Arctic circle I was and how amazing this experience has been. Never would I have imagined to be in Iceland meeting people and traveling all by myself.

    The tour was over but the tour guide wanted to take us to one last place before it was all over.

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    We stopped at this waterfall that was pretty rad. We had enough time to literally take a photo or 2 and get back on the bus since it was getting late. They wouldn’t let us go down more to take photos since it wasn’t really part of the tour and it was getting late.

    On the way back we stopped at one last convenient store. While I was there I was looking for this rune that my friend Kelly was telling me about. It was the Vegvisir rune the vikings would use before they set sail.

    Description:    

    “the wearer of this symbol will not lose his way during storms and bad weather, even if he does not know of his destination”.

    I told myself that I HAD to find this symbol while in Iceland. I said to myself that if I find this symbol then I’ll have hope that I’ll find my way back in life and be able to live with everything going on.

    I wasn’t going to get off the bus since I didn’t really need to piss but I figured I might as well just in case I really have to go and who knows how long we were going to be on the fucking bus again. So I got off went to the restroom and just decided to check out the gift shop. I started looking and keychains and boom there it was. The Vegvisir staring right back at me. The entire gift shop was all handmade viking and game of thrones souvenirs that the shop owner makes BY HAND. I made sure to get a handful of keychains with the Vegvisir symbol just in case I didn’t see it again. I even bought a coaster and necklace of it lol.

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    This symbol means everything to me right now…

    There’s no worse feeling than feeling lost in life which has never really happened to me..

    To try your absolute hardest and lose so many important people or things in life.

    I understand this is all the process of life and life isn’t always going to be easy because that would just be boring as fuck but these major events that have happened in my life, have really made me realize how quick I can lose my way. Before my vacation I was drinking just to numb the pain and to avoid becoming too depressed. I was beating myself up to try and fight pain with pain and it just wasn’t working..

    So to have gone to a foreign country and found a symbol that gives me hope, was 1 of the biggest highlights of the trip.. It was a piece of the puzzle of my healing.

    I was dropped off at my bus stop and I went back to my place to shower. I took this opportunity to take photos of the city and all its glory.

    There was snow all over the roads and I loved it. I’m not a fan of crazy amounts of snow but in Iceland I didn’t mind. It made Reykjavik seem that much more dreamy because of how cute the town was already.  It was about 6:30pm when I got back and my time was limited because I needed to get to a restaurant before everything started to close! Not to mention it was Friday so I needed to hurry and make sure where I went wasn’t packed!

    I got dressed and decided to go hotel 101 for dinner and had their lobster pasta which was AMAZING.

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    The food was so good in Iceland but I noticed they don’t really salt, so it all tends to taste pretty plainnn.

    I had a glass of wine and had a window view of the street. There was a big table next to me with business people at it being loud as all fuck so I was kind of annoyed by that. I again was the only person in the restaurant alone and it was ok. But again the same thoughts kept creeping in about how much it sucks not having Nick with me. How much I miss doing group dinners with me him and our friends.. Thinking of what could of been and how my life would of turned out to be with him.. Everything was going to get better for us and then everything just kind of completely slipped out of my hands and into the dirt.

    I finished eating and went back to my place. I was going to go out for awhile for drinks but I wasn’t feeling that good and I was afraid I’d get sick so I went back home and waited for Eyvi to come over again so we could chat more.

    He came over around midnight-ish and I was thrilled to see him since I just felt really comfortable with him.

    The night was beautiful and so was the weather. Occasionally we would go outside to see everyone walking up and down the streets. I made sure to keep the door cracked a bit since the house tended to get warm quick.

    He had been drinking a bit and so instead of drinking more I made us some tea and we sat on the couch and just talked. I opened up to him more about what happened recently with me and he went on to tell me about someone close to him that passed away in the same fashion.

    He told me all about his story and it just made me sad but it kept bringing my attention to, is suicide really in someones destiny or does life give you choices and some people just continue to choose a negative path until it leads to suicide? I’d like to believe that suicide is not in anyones fate but I just don’t know.

    We continued to talk about life in general and he was telling me more about his life in Iceland. I couldn’t help but to be so fascinated by everything he was telling me. He didn’t even really live around Reykjavik he lives like 4 hours away which made our meeting that much more spiritual. How did I manage to fly 5,000+ miles to find someone as interesting as this guy and that looked similar to Nick and had a past similar to mine? This was no coincidence and I definitely feel like it was fate putting us together. I felt the magic of Iceland and the universe working together with me.

    We stayed up talking until about 2am and then he went home.

    I stood out on the balcony and finished my tea watching the crowds of people walk by and just seeing how simple life is in Iceland. At one point I was looking at everyone in their apartments to see what they were up to and I remember seeing a man eating pizza in his dining room that wasn’t furnished at all. He had a table and food and was watching TV from what I could tell. It made me think of home and how everything is so over the top sometimes with furnishing houses and making sure you look good and are wearing designer or what not when life could be more simpler. I feel like anyone who just wants to live a simple life should just move to some part of Europe where people don’t judge and just go about their life.

    The following day I was doing the snorkeling tour and I could not wait. I cannot wait to share those photos because everything about the tour was so majestic..

  • Letters from the Arctic pt.2

    Letters from the Arctic pt.2

    Day 2: Valentine’s Day

    I woke up again from my interrupted sleep at 11am and packed my bags to now go to my Air bnb in Reykjavik.

    I checked out at noon from my hotel and took off. When I left the hotel there was snow everywhere. It made me a little nervous driving but I’m glad I made the decision to rent a big car to have a less chance of sliding off the road.

    It was a true winter wonderland driving. It’s not like anything I had ever seen before. I’ve been to Mt. Charleston in Vegas and seen some snow up there as a kid but this was something straight out of a movie. I mean it was miles and miles of snow everywhere and mountains covered. I drove by and just admired everything around me. Definitely had to stop on the side of the road and do the typical tourist thing and take selfies and photos of everything.

    Driving into Reykjavik started to look a lot like the kids Christmas movies I used to watch growing up. The town truly looks so cute when you first get in. They even had a little town called “Elves Town”.

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    I arrived in Reykjavik at around 1pm and I remember my Air bnb people told me that there was street parking in front of the place but that I had to pay to park. It’s a one way street on most roads downtown so I got the most perfect parking spot that was right next to where I was staying! Someone pulled out and I parked right where they were. I parked and went up to the meter to pay and realized everything was in Icelandic…. OBVIOUSLY. I was like FUCK WHAT DO I DO. I start just pushing buttons until something pops up about language but could not figure it out. Thank God there’s parking people walking around that help you because one of the ladies came up to me since she could tell I was struggling and she helped me push the button on the meter that changes the language for you.

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    Tip: The red button I circled in the photo is the button you press to change the language on the meter.

    Once again, I’m not used to paying for parking ANYWHERE nor did it ever register to me that there was a button that could help change the language because I’ve never used one of these things!

    There’s 3 sections you can park in: P1, P2, P3.

    I parked in section P1 which gives me access to park anywhere within the 3 paid parking sections because it’s the most expensive. I honestly didn’t care how much I spent as long as I was within walking distance to my car. I was not about to fucking hike to my car for some free parking or cheaper parking considering the fact the weather changes like I change my underwear.

    I paid and headed towards where my Air bnb was at and got to the door where there was a key pad you push to unlock it and grab the key that’s inside. I pulled up the email with the instructions and was pushing the buttons and COULD NOT FIGURE IT OUT. I felt like I was in a fucking Resident Evil video game where you’re spending 2 hours trying to solve a puzzle or unlock something until you finally go on youtube to look it up lol. I spent maybe 10 min trying to figure it out and realized there was a button you pull down on that opens the box and in it was the key. THANK FUCK.

    I get inside the building and look around for an elevator… There’s no fucking elevator to be found…. I had to lug alllll my shit up 5 flights of stairs.. All I could think of was the movie Cinderella when the mice steal the evil step mothers key and climb up all those stairs to get it to Cinderella to open the door to the room she’s locked in and the mice are sweating their asses off getting up the stairs… I was so irritated… My shit was so heavy and here my skinny ass is lugging all this shit up the stairs.

    I punch in another code to get the house key and get in and the Air bnb is GORGEOUS and definitely worth all the hassle of lugging shit upstairs lol. I could not have found anything as nice as this. I had a balcony with a view of downtown and a view of the Ocean where I can see the sunrise. When I booked it I remember how hard it was to book because the apartment is typically always booked up and books fast when it’s available so I got real lucky there too.

    I was starving when I got to Reykjavik and it’s hard for me to be on vacation sometimes because I HAVE to have breakfast before I eat anything otherwise it throws my body off. I’m not one of those people that can wake up and eat pizza. My body is very finicky with what I eat and the times I eat it.

    I make my way down the street and find a little spot that has an egg on it and think YES THEY MUST HAVE BREAKFAST. I walk in and ask and the lady if they have breakfast and she looked at the clock and was like “uhhhh breakfast was over at 10am.. It’s 2pm….” I was like “miss, I’m sorry, I’m from Vegas where breakfast can be served all day and I saw the egg on the window and thought you guys were my best bet lol.” She laughed and showed me the Chinese food they had for the day. I looked at it and just thought to myself ‘fuck I really don’t want this I really want eggs and toast! 😦 ‘ I was having an internal conflict with myself over FOOD. She said there were other lunch places I could go to but I really wasn’t in the mood to spend more time searching for another place since my morning/afternoon was already so fucked, so I settled.

    I got to talking with her and she told me her name was Alex. She was 35 and looked maybe 27. She was a red head with a beautiful long bob haircut parted down the middle and when she would walk her hair would flow so nicely. She had the most beautiful pale skin and I couldn’t stop staring at her.. Clearly lol. I was talking to her the entire time. I wanted to learn more about the city and what she was doing in Iceland. She told me she had moved from Poland and told me how hard people in Poland work and make no money. She said you can make waaaaay more money in Iceland which makes sense because the tourism has exploded over the past 5 years there so they’re always busy. She said she was going to school to study Forestry and would only like to visit the states to see the forests but that’s it. She had no desire to really go to the US.

    I finished eating went to check out and noticed she had a map of Iceland which I could really use to help me navigate where I’m at and where I’m going since it’s hard to see the streets on my GPS sometimes. I felt like fate was working with me to let me know I wasn’t lost, just getting around the town and finding my way especially since I managed to go into an establishment that had maps of the city/country.

    I walked around for a bit and met a guy by the name of Eyvi his full name is Eyjólfur Eyjólfsson. He was a very sweet guy. I invited him over so we could hang out and chat and he asked about my necklace (where I keep Nicks ashes in). I tried to dance around the conversation a little to try and avoid telling him but he asked if a boyfriend had gave it to me so I broke the news to him and told him why I was really in Iceland… I could tell he felt really bad and he opened up to me about how he’s experienced loss like that in his life as well. We really connected and I didn’t see it before when I was talking to him but he looked almost identical to Nick… I got chills when I saw the photo we took.

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    Eyvi is easily one of the most unique people I’ve ever met. He was wearing so much wool and just looked like something out of a movie. He was telling me he helps children how to build instruments and play flute and it was the sweetest thing I’d ever heard. We still keep in touch and hopefully I’ll get to party with him in the future when I go back to visit. He was meeting friends out that night and so he left from my place and I got ready to go to my tour to go see the northern lights at 9pm. This was the first tour I was doing and needed to walk to find the bus stop for this thing. I was damn near running to try and get there earlier than the time scheduled to leave because I had no clue what kind of bus stop this was or where I was going I was just following my map. On my way to the bus station I kept looking around at all the buildings and the amount of snow that was in the ground that kept getting all around and in my shoes. I was appreciating being in a different country all by myself and just happy I was doing all of these things alone and just figuring shit out.

    I reached the bus station in time to start boarding the bus and off we went. I sat next to this guy that was as well traveling alone like me which I didn’t think would happen since it was Valentine’s Day and everyone was with their friends or couples.

    It was raining on the way to wherever the fuck we were going to see these lights and idk where exactly we could see them since there were so many clouds.

    On the way there the lady driving the bus kept talking and talking and talking and it was quite frankly driving me nuts. SHE EVEN FORGOT IT WAS VALENTINES DAY. She admitted that they don’t celebrate that in Iceland but that they celebrate the fuck out of Christmas! I thought it was funny that she had completely spaced about it.

    We finally found a spot where it wasn’t cloudy or rainy and we just waited. The moon was beautiful and bright but this was the one time I started to get really cold since we had already been out for an hour and couldn’t see shit. It was supposed to be a 3 hour tour and I was over it after an hour. I was cold and just went back into the bus. When the lights finally decided to show they started pounding on the bus for everyone to come out and see the lights but you literally were only able to see them for not even 5 minutes. I managed to capture whatever photos I could on my phone since apparently my camera wasn’t able to pick up on them. The lights are normally more intense but it was beautiful to see them cut through the sky the way they did. Finally everyone was over it and it was midnight by this point so we were all ready to leave. I was beat tired so I was happy we were finally leaving.

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    Tip: I would NEVER buy a tour like that again. If you’re going to Iceland try and drive somewhere out of the city if you’re renting a car because you can see them just about anywhere in the country. Sometimes you can even see them in the city so paying for a tour is honestly NOT fucking worth it. I wouldn’t pay to GO SEE THEM ever again. JUST SAYINNN.

    I got back to my hotel and just passed the fuck out.

    The following day was going to be a very emotional tour for me and made sure I needed to be well rested since it was going to be an 8 hour tour. Stay tuned to find out what it was if you don’t know already. ♥

  • Letters from the Arctic pt.1

    Letters from the Arctic pt.1

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    I’m finally back from Iceland and all I can say is just WOW. This trip was something truly unforgettable and I CANNOT WAIT to share.

    I’ll be breaking up the days into different blog posts because there’s just too much to talk about and I really want to go into depth about the whole trip. There were sooooo many signs that I can’t wait to explain and share. I’ll be sharing my experience, tips and places to visit in the city if you go to Iceland.

    So lets start with day 1.

    Day 1

    I packed the night before for a whole 4 hours…

    I went to the store to buy shoes I could fuck up on my trip because I had no snow shoes whatsoever and needed to buy a bigger luggage. I wanted to make sure I had just enough clothes for the trip but not too much because I knew I’d want to shop there so I packed the essentials and maybe like 3 pair of pants because I knew I wasn’t going to be wearing a bunch of different outfits. I didn’t sleep much because I was really excited and because I just couldn’t sleep. I fell asleep around 3:30pm and My plane was leaving at 10am so I had to be up at 7am. I got to the airport tired af but on time and just chilled.

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    I flew from Vegas to Boston and then Boston to Iceland. The flight was about 7 hours to Boston. Once there I was supposed to have a 2 hour layover but we left Vegas late because of weather conditions. I went to go eat at a bar and the bartender was not very friendly lol. I ordered some clam chowder because it was late and not even before it came out I got a text from my airline telling me my plane was leaving early and that I needed to be at the gate by 7pm mind you IT WAS 6:45 WHEN I ORDERED MY FOOD! I’m sitting there struggling to get this food in my mouth and this foreign man comes and sits next to me and pulls out a whole bunch of change to buy who knows what with. The bartender looked at me with this face like (are you fucking kidding me) I just smiled and kept eating lol. The guy was like ok I figured out a dollar that’s the easy part so what else and the bartender straight up tells the guy “sir I’m not a bank I don’t know what you’re trying to do paying with all that change” and then tells the guy the kitchen is closed lol. I didn’t have enough time to see the show down so I paid and ran my happy ass to my gate and got there in time to board. I boarded the plane and the space I had was so fucking small I could barely stretch my legs and I had to fly like that for 4 hours.. I started talking to the guy next to me and he was going to Copenhagen and then to Iceland so he had been traveling for a long time. He asked me what my name was and I told him Brian and he replies with my name is Ryan. I was blown away… What the fuck are the chances of sitting next to someone with practically the same name? lol

    I got into Iceland February 13th at about 7am and went to go get my luggage. I checked my phone for signal which was very important to me because hello I’m in a foreign country where I don’t speak their language and need to make sure I can make phone calls. I had called T-mobile and they said I had unlimited texting but that they would charge me for phone calls.

    I walked to the duty free store to buy alcohol because alcohol in Iceland is very expensive so I wanted to stock up and buy some cool alcohol to take home with me too.

    I’m walking around and noticing my phones signal says verafone and shows I have signal but nothing is loading and no texts are going through so I kind of panic and call T-mobile just to make sure. Tell me why these people proceed to tell me there are NO TOWERS IN ICELAND FOR RECEPTION. So here I am now panicking about the fact they just told me I wouldn’t have any reception on my phone… I handed this poor lady her fucking ASS because I was so pissed I was lied to. I’m sure everyone in the airport heard me going off… I mean, this is my first time traveling alone and when I did my research that was something that was not mentioned at all and that was a pretty big screw up on my service providers end. Luckily I remember my best friend Meagan was asking me if I had a portable wifi hotspot to connect to and I was confused as to why she would ask that but now I see why! So I went to the cafe and they had a portable hotspot I could use on my trip. This wifi was the SHIT! It worked everywhere! I paid $60 for my entire stay in Iceland with it and highly recommend it if you’re going to Iceland otherwise you ain’t getting service nowhere.

    I finally grabbed my car rental and headed to my hotel where I was staying for the day to be close to Blue Lagoon and to just get some quick rest before going to Blue Lagoon. I got in and had breakfast. I had a great view of the morning sun even though it didn’t come up until about 9:30-10am.

    I took a quick nap and headed to Blue Lagoon around 3pm. When I was parking it did not look like a lot of people were there until you get inside and there’s 3 lines for people to get in! I was shook. The guy at the desk handed me all my stuff and vaguely told me where to go I felt SOOO LOSTTTT. They make you shower before you go into the Lagoon so I showered and went out where the Lagoon was like something out of a dream. It was surrounded by mountains and the steam made the water look heavenly. I grabbed a beer and just made my way around the water.

    IMG_1044

    There weren’t that many people in the water honestly. I know a lot of people will say that the Lagoon is not how it looks in photos because there’s so many people in there but I think that’s during the summer. I did my research on the best times to go there and Spring and Summer are the nightmare times of the year because Iceland is so small that it just gets PACKED with tourists during this time. So gladly there were not that many people in the water. I met a group of people from Italy and took some photos with them but for the most part I just wanted to be alone and just chill. I sat in the water for a solid 4 hours just taking in everything and floating. It wasn’t scalding hot which I REALLY liked because I think that’s how you get ultra fucked up and dehydrated. The water was perfect temperature and controlled very well. I highly recommend Blue Lagoon, it’s an absolute must.

    IMG_1050

    There’s a restaurant inside the Blue Lagoon called the Lava restaurant where I had dinner. I had the fish of the day with Skyr for dessert and some champagne.

    I sat there and looked around and noticed I was the only person in the restaurant alone. There was a lesbian couple sitting at the table next to me and I kind of got sad thinking of everything. Obviously I went to Iceland because of sentimental reasons and so I just started to think of all the dinners me and Nick went to. I remember the times we would do group dinners with friends and just have so much and there I was alone wishing he could of been there with me and how quickly things went from 100-0. Here I was sitting alone at dinner and just trying to enjoy it and pushing myself to feel more independent again. I finished eating and left to go find a grocery store to find snacks because being from Vegas I like to eat late and snack late too. IT TOOK ME AN HOUR TO FIND A 24 HOUR STORE. It was so ridiculous the amount of detours I made to try and search for a store but I can’t complain too much because the sky was so clear that you could see the stars and the mountains are not like the mountains in Vegas. I got back to my hotel around midnight and went to sleep at about 1am. Sadly my body only registered the sleep as a nap so I was up at 4am… You can only imagine the hell the next day was going to be..

  • The Escape Plan

    The Escape Plan

    It’s Saturday and I managed to get up late today and rest up. I was able to go to Starbucks for their happy hour @3pm. I made sure to grab 2 Venti Macchiatos since I know how long it will take me to write this blog lol.

    For the past month I’ve been trying to figure out where I want to travel to. I think this whole sad situation is definitely getting worse before it’s ever going to get better. I’m having separation anxiety where I come to realize he’s really gone and start to feel really shitty all over again like the day I first found out the news. Depression is a very strange thing. I’ll be fine all day and all it takes is 1 thought or go to 1 place we went to together and I’ll be a mess all over again.

    Since things are still pretty rough and still fresh I figured now would be a good time to book a trip somewhere far far away to decompress and understand how I’m feeling. I need to really get in my head and heart and figure out what I need to do to help myself heal a little bit more. I’ve been working to the point of tears trying to save for this trip and to hopefully come back with a little bit more clarity on life itself.

    During the time of me thinking of traveling, my bank sent me a travel credit card offer. Told me I’d get double points if I spent a certain amount within 3 months of receiving the card. I wasted no time, I opened that fucking credit card and booked all my shit on it right away. I want to focus my life more on traveling and not so much on buying stupid shit I don’t need.

    When I started to think of destinations I knew that I wanted to go somewhere cold and gloomy or tropical and by the beach. I was thinking Hawaii, London, Paris, Thailand or Greece. I couldn’t figure out which one would really give me the solace that I’m looking for right now. So I went out one night with a bunch of girlfriends from Cosmetology school to the Golden Tiki, a bar here in Vegas. I was going through their drink menu and noticed they had a drink there called Blue Lagoon. I remembered that there’s a hot spring in Iceland called Blue Lagoon that has been on my bucket list for 2 years. Immediately I was like “I’m going to Iceland” I looked at flights with my friend Tyson and he helped me find the flight that was the most reasonable.

    SO

    I’m going to Iceland!

    I’ll be there February 12th-18th. I chose these dates because I wanted to make sure I was out there for Valentines Day…

    I felt like next year I need to fall in love with my surroundings and with another country. Things have obviously changed for me so Valentine’s Day is going to hold a completely different meaning for me right now.

    I booked my Airbnb 2 nights ago because I was really waiting for a place to pop up that would be in the middle of everything and have a nice view of the city and that’s exactly what I found. I found a spot in downtown Reykjavík that has a view of the city and of the mountains so I could see the sunrise and sunset. I was looking at reviews of the place and apparently this particular apartment is always booked and there’s always some sort of wait for it so I feel really lucky to have been looking at the time I was because it’s gorgeous. Let me just say that booking a trip to Iceland is seriously A LOT OF PLANNING. I mean, I’m sure booking any trip international requires a lot of planning but I felt Iceland you have to really play your cards right because it’s such a remote country. They don’t have Uber just taxis so you have to be very smart about where you’re staying and if the tours you’re doing can pick you up from where you’re staying or at least somewhere close by.

    The Planning

    I was trying to be smart about the trip and since I knew I was getting into Iceland around 6am. I booked 1 night at a hotel by the airport so that I could do the Blue Lagoon that same day since it’s 20 min from the airport hotel as opposed to 45 min since my Airbnb is far. I’ll go straight to sleep once arriving and then wake up in the afternoon and go to Blue Lagoon until closing. The following day I’ll take a cab down to where I’ll be staying and stay in Reykjavik the remainder of my stay. It works out better instead of going to my Airbnb first and then spending more money going to Blue Lagoon and then back. I have other tours I want to do but I haven’t booked them yet because I’m still trying to strategize with which tour will help me see more of the country. I want to pack the tours  all in 2-3 days so that the rest of the time there I can just walk around and explore the city alone. I’m praying that I’ll be able to see the Northern Lights because I think that would really complete the trip.

    northern-lights-in-iceland_11

    I don’t think this trip will help with the fact I miss Nick every day but I’m just praying and hoping it gives me solace to be able to move on and forgive myself somehow. I like to believe that this is a calling. I really feel that there’s something in Iceland for me. It’s almost like a feeling of buried treasure. Like, you have a good idea of where it might be so now you just have to go and start digging. Hell, I wonder if I’ll fall in love with the country and maybe I’ll consider moving someday. After all, I love the cold.

    I want to just come back refreshed and ready to start a new chapter in my life. I’ll be going commission once I get back from vacation and will be ready to take on a new chapter at work as well. Time to start really growing up and piecing my life together. Luckily I feel that next year I will be more in a spot that I’m happy with myself and happy with where I’m at in life. It’s hard for me to feel fully satisfied because I want to keep doing more and more but I think next year will really help with that.

    If you know anyone or you yourself have been to Iceland and have tips for me, please feel free to share in the comments below so I can continue to prepare myself for my trip! And yes I will be taking LOADS AND LOADS AND A FUCK TON OF PICTURES. I’ll try to write while I’m out there and keep everyone updated on how the trip is going.

  • Be Still

    Today was overcast in Vegas. 50 degrees and raining.

    I rushed to work and it was pouring rain on the freeway. I had a feeling it was going to be ridiculous but I still had to speed to get to work. Liubi had an early day out due to a few cancellations. I was fine through out the day but the darker it got outside, the more my mind started to race. I think that rainy days are going to be those hard days.

    I once again  thought about what he and I would be doing today. I know that since I got off work early, I would of gone gone home, taken a nap, and woke up to spend time with him. We would either watch a movie on the couch and cuddle and just spend time together or we would of gone to the movies and watched a movie we have been wanting to watch. It’s hard sometimes to block out these images and thoughts especially when it’s so unintentional but when they come in I can’t help but let my guards down. I start to get tired and depressed I guess you could say. I start to lose focus working and the drive home turns into a water show and that day happened to be today.

    I’ve been going out a ton lately, doing stupid shit or just hanging out with friends. I’ll have these moments where I get really sad because of something I heard that reminded me of him or just something will trigger and I’ll push the emotions down more and more because maybe I’m having a really good time and just not trying to go there or I’m listening to heavy music because I don’t want to listen to calm music and be sad. I’ve tried to keep myself distracted but there’s really no running away from emotions at the end of the day. It’s going to that master bedroom where the way you really feel, lives.

    The past week I’ve been fine up until today. I realized that by going out and having fun, it did keep me happy but it’s all ephemeral.. I don’t think I’m giving myself enough time to sit and grieve but I don’t really have that time either. I know this is something that will never go away but I don’t exactly feel it getting easier either. It’s good to get out of the house and have fun because I know that’s what he wants for me but I just have no self control sometimes and stay out way late or get too drunk. It’s been happening more lately because I have been having fun and giving myself that but I feel like it’s just covering up how I really feel and making days like today a little bit more harder than others..

    The one metaphor that really resonates is “be still my heart” usually this term is used when something is exciting or so good you can’t sit still but in my case I find it the complete opposite and to me the term resonates when I’m so still and so grounded and understand how I’m feeling but won’t let myself cry. I feel still and quite until it all comes out in an overwhelming kind of way.

    Since we got off work early I came home and just fell asleep for awhile to deal with my feelings.

     

    Because of everything happening I’ve decided to plan a vacation for February.

    I’ll explain where to in a different post closer to when I book my flight and explain why this destination is what I’m choosing and how I got the idea. I think that my mental health needs it. I’ll be traveling alone and just completely decompressing. If I don’t take this trip I’m almost afraid of what can happen to me mentally because I just don’t feel mentally ok. I feel very unhinged, very unpredictable and sometimes angry for no reason. It’s not like me to be moody so often and I know it’s because of everything going on but it’s just not ok.

    I can see where being so busy can actually be detrimental to mental health. You NEED time to heal and that’s what I’m searching for, that time to give to myself. Right now being busy works because of the holidays and because I could use the money but after the holidays, for sure a trip is going to happen. I know I’m always going to miss him, I understand that and I still love him more than anything but I need to find solace in this.

    I’m not trying to rush the process because there’s nothing to rush since I’ll always miss him but I just need to understand the situation more and forgive myself. I still can’t seem to forgive myself because it’s the hardest part. I still beat myself up when I know I shouldn’t but I just can’t help it… I think to some degree I do blame myself still.. These feelings are normal and I know they are and I’m trying to be kind to myself but I realize that all those times of just wanting some sort of pain to hurt me enough to be ok, (fighting pain with pain) is because I do feel like I should hurt myself for maybe some things I said or did. Physically I could never but mentally I do beat myself up. I’m still trying to be ok but I just really miss him every day.

    I can’t wait to post about my vacation for next year and what I’m going to do on this trip and how I’ll be sharing the experience with everyone. I think this will really help me 100% and I will be sharing it in hopes that others can know they’re not alone in this like me.

    So, since Nick isn’t here, I’ll be going to the movies alone tonight. I really want to see Boy Erased so I’ll be going to Red Rock tonight and watching that.

    If you’ve read each post and you’ve gotten this far, thank you. Your support means a lot.

    ♥

  • Thanksgiving with Perspectives

    Thanksgiving with Perspectives

    So I’m settled in at my moms place.

    I’ll be here for a few months until I get on my feet again. Being at home is keeping me a little grounded since I’m around family. I can tell grieving is still very difficult for me. I feel like I grieve mainly at night when I’m alone. During the day and when I’m around my family I’m not as much since I’m distracted and that’s probably why it seems like I’m handling everything well.

    I’ve been finally indulging in the things I like to do without feeling guilty about it since I’m always trying to work. I’ve been catching up on shows, reading magazines, shopping and just wasting time doing that. I’m ALWAYS fucking responsible and doing things to keep me busy and working ahead but right now I’m saying fuck it all. I’m fine where I’m at and just really need to take time to myself and take care of my mental health and what I feel I need right now to help me get right. I know this feeling will never go away but I need to find what it is that will help me cope with the situation. 

    Something I’m not proud about doing is stress eating… Fuck man, I’ve never been that person but I’ve been eating so much bullshit at night when I’m having cravings and I’m upset, mainly fuckin ice cream. Ugh..

    On a side note, I’ve been reading a book called “Hello from Heaven” it’s a book about all these people who have had experiences of seeing passed loved ones and I get jealous as to why I haven’t had something like that happen to me. If anyone can explain this, please message me because it really does get frustrating.. I’d like to think I’m a spiritual person in touch with feeling people from the other side when they’re around, so I don’t understand why I haven’t seen Nick manifest at least once.. I know, probably sounds crazy.

    I guess we can dive into everything that’s been going on now to make sense of everything.

    Metaphor 1

    Picture standing in front of an empty room of glass with water rising. You can see the water rising and once it fills up and begins to crack, it breaks and all at once you feel everything hit you.

    It’s nothing I can control and sometimes it’s more water than I expect and that feeling of drowning my anxiety which comes in.

    Anxiety turns into an emotion you can’t control and Xanax seems to be the control right now but I know if I depend on it too much I won’t be dealing with grieving.. I’m already having a hard time dealing with everything as it is and my mind is starting to lock everything in a trauma vault and not really letting me reach it most times. I can tell I’m shutting down on emotions unwillingly but it’s because I know my mind is protecting itself and I can feel it because I feel myself going numb.. I pay attention to everything I’m feeling and this same thing happened when Joey passed away. I was so numb that I wanted something to just fucking hurt me so I could feel. I wanted to feel a physical pain so strong that the emotional pain would go away. I don’t know how to deal with my emotions other than by writing.. I’ve been listening more to heavy metal than any other genre of music just because it helps with my anger and stress. The screaming and heavy guitar honestly does help. I know it sounds silly but it works for me. Country has been my alternative when I want to feel because Nick loved country and was the one who got me into it.

    I love finding new music and that’s been another great outlet for me so far.

    Metaphor 2

    Grieving has also been working like different rooms.

    One day I’ll walk into a room of work and happiness and once the day goes dark it turns into sadness so then I leave that room to a different room of activities and fun or relaxation and things to keep my mind distracted and most times this one works but I know deep down the master bedroom is where I’m headed to last and is the 1 room that holds all the valuables and true emotions at heart that you can’t control. The one room you can’t escape that makes you face the problem and try to understand things.

    Thanksgiving this year was obviously painful.

    I woke up and it was sort of cloudy. I was really quite and had gone out the night before for my brothers birthday. He woke up late so it was just me and my nephew in the living room. He was on his phone watching videos and I was on my iPad just looking up what I could buy for myself. I keep trying to make myself happy by just buying whatever I want for myself and it definitely helps. I am materialistic and I love buying nice shit and I’m not ashamed to admit it. I sat there and just stared outside for awhile and thought of what the day would be like if we were still in the apartment.

    In my head all that was playing is how the day would go. I know that he would be on the couch watching TV I’d most likely be getting up late and giving him a good morning kiss and asking what time we were going to start cooking everything. Thanksgiving was very bonding for he and I because we would be dancing in the kitchen and cooking and laughing about random stuff and taking photos of each other.

    The day before I was already starting to feel all the emotions come on that I knew I was going to feel, just the realization that we wouldn’t be cooking together. The past 2 Thanksgivings, Nick and I would always cook everything and take it to my moms house. My mom works so hard and she never has time for anything so I would always make sure he and I would buy everything and we would just take it to her house and feed the whole family.

    Since that wasn’t going to happen this year, I told my mom I wasn’t cooking shit, I wasn’t buying shit I was just going to let her and my brother kind of figure it out if they wanted to cook but I was not about to pull all the weight for the day. For once I needed everyone else to be strong because I definitely wasn’t going to be. We decided to just go have dinner at Scarpetta. I had remembered that my good friend Wendy invited me to go with her because she and her family were going to dinner at Scarpetta so luckily I was able to make a reservation and took the family. It was a wonderful dinner as usual, service is always impeccable and it was great to just be able to joke with the family. Since this was so out of the ordinary and something we never really do for the holidays, it was hitting me a little bit more at dinner.

    It’s the simple fact that everything is changing, the fact he’s gone and that we didn’t cook dinner this year. It’s breaking out of all the routines I was used to do with him and missing his presence and love during the holiday seasons and cold days. I realized how much I needed him on Thanksgiving. I wasn’t really thinking much about it being Thanksgiving but the minute I thought about how it wasn’t he and I cooking together this year it really hit me.. I can tell it’s still playing in my subconscious and even though I might not notice how I’m feeling, the minute my subconscious surfaces, everything floods in again.

    Metaphor 3

    The subconscious works like when you play a sad song you know and like.

    The song is familiar to you and no matter how many times you hear it you know the words and lyrics and sometimes you enjoy the song and sometimes it makes you cry when it’s really applying to how you feel.

    That’s what’s happening…

    Everything is playing in my head in the background and I’m sort of aware of it but the minute I find things that remind me of him or something that makes me miss him, it’ll all manifest and I’ll begin to cry.

    Thankful

    Aside from missing him and Thanksgiving being hard, I want to give thanks.

    I give thanks to all my friends and family who have been there for me during this really hard time. I’m thankful for all the things I have and for my mom who has helped me with all of this and has just tried to be there for me as much as she can. I’m thankful for having a place to be able to go back to since I had to move. Thankful for my brother helping me move and for talking me through this.

    I’m thankful for the job I have and the wonderful people I work with that have really helped me so much with this whole situation, especially Barb the owner of the salon I work at.

    I’m thankful for just being blessed with truly having some genuine people in my life that love me and care about me. I always think how other people would be getting through a situation like this who might not have someone reaching out to them and caring about them and just can’t imagine not having support.

    Yeah it’s great to buy yourself shit and have all the nice things in life but there’s no better feeling than to have loyal loving people in your life.

    Love is what makes my world go round, I need it and need to give it to feel complete and I’ve felt so much of it the past few weeks that has made me not feel so alone.

    So thank you to everyone who has been there for me, who loves me and who is my true friend and family. 

    Nick

    Before I met you I always told myself

    I want a guy that’s from a small town. I want him to not be so corrupted by the world and social media. I want a guy that will love me and be wild about me like I would be for him. I want a guy that’s tall and handsome with a beard. Most importantly, a guy who would see me for me.

    That’s when you came along and changed my world. I manifested everything I wanted in a guy and you were that form it came in. Sure there were things I realized that came with that price but it’s nothing we couldn’t work out and we definitely did work out most differences between us.

    Nicks and his friend Jens
    Me and Nick ❤
    Me my aunt Vilma, Leiani (leslies daughter) and Nick 🙂
    Diana, Leslie, Nick, and I

    I’m thankful for the love and memories you gave me. You showed me love, you showed me kindness, you showed me what it felt like to be completely and genuinely adored. You showed me faithfulness and loyalty. You were everything I ever wanted in a man and because of that I will always honor your memory. I feel lost without you, I feel more alone than ever, but even though I might be going crazy day at a time, I still have a love so strong for you and will always remember our times cooking together for Thanksgiving..

    I LOVE THE PETER PAN RIDE!!!!

    Today marks 3 years that we went to Disney Land together for one of our first dates. I’ll never forget getting that speeding ticket on the way there! lol.

    I love you…Happy Thanksgiving

    ♥

  • Decompress with Company

    Decompress with Company

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    It’s midnight and I’m currently drinking detox tea with my nephew in hopes that my allergies will leave me alone. I’ve been having really bad allergies for the past 2 weeks. I haven’t been sick in seriously 1 whole year and just when I think I dodged it, boom, sick af from allergies… AGAIN. It’s on its way out but I think when I was drinking wine every night, it definitely fucked with my body so I haven’t been drinking as much and just nursing myself.

    I got back from California Sunday Nov 4th.

    It was refreshing to go to California and be there on a lighter note and to be able to decompress a little more. I’ve been on go mode ever since I moved on Halloween even up until now. The move was really hard for me and trying to train my mind out of certain habits and routines is going to take some time as well. Again, this is all stuff I’m learning that I don’t really pay attention to since my mind is so preoccupied with loss.

    Going left instead of right to go home is tough..

    Every day I got home from work, Nick would always ask how my day was and if I worked doing my own clients hair, he would ask me how it went and I would go into more detail about the day. Not having Nick at home to tell how my day was is very hard since this is one of those things that was routine. Luckily I’ve been so so busy to the point I don’t really have time to think about how I’m feeling and if I do it’s not enough to dwell on. Strangely enough I’ve been way busy than I ever have been especially with the help of Liubi giving me some of her clients to do since she went on vacation.

    I wouldn’t say I’m trying to bury myself in work to avoid feeling hurt but life has just been happening in a way that allows me to be able to focus on work right now and just stay busy. I’m just letting life happen how it’s supposed to, not controlling anything but my income.

     

    I drove out to California Friday night because Meagan, my best friend since high school, graduated Sunday to be a surgical tech assistant.

    Ever since Meagan graduated from high school she’s been in college. This girl has seriously worked so hard to get where she’s at and I couldn’t be more proud. She would tell me she would work a 12 hour shift and get off work to turn around and go to school for a few more hours. I have no fucking clue how she did it because there’s absolutely no way in fuck I’d be able to do that. I’m so proud of her for graduating and it’s a great feeling when you can genuinely be proud of your friends because of they’re success.

    I originally was going to just drive out for the day and come home but when Meagans mom found out about everything that happened with me, she upgraded the hotel where they were staying at to make sure I would be able to come out and spend the weekend with them. On the drive there something amazing happened. For the first time in years I SAW ALL THE STARS JUST HOW I USED TO AS A TEEN. When we lived in Pahrump, I would go out late at night and lay on the trampoline with a blanket and just look at all the stars and dream of all the things I wanted to do when I got older. I’d spend hours at night laying there looking at the galaxy for what it is and seeing so many shooting stars at night. It helped me realize more and more that there’s so much out there to be discovered and so much to explore.

    Meagans moother Margaret has always been like a mother to me. Growing up she would always take me to concerts with Meagan almost every week.. If it wasn’t concerts then it was somewhere around town to go eat. We must have gone to hundredssss of concerts growing up. They’re family always taken such great care of me and if it wasn’t for them I probably wouldn’t have had much of a social life or any fun growing up since I wasn’t really allowed much freedom. Margaret has read just about every single one of these blog posts and always continues to encourage me to write a book and to really tell my story. I know I’ll write a book some day about all the life lessons I’ve learned but it’s great to be able to share my experiences with everyone right now through my blogs and to not feel so alone when I hear that other people too have been in my same situation.

    This was a quick trip but I really needed it and I’m grateful to have a 2nd family to help take me in at this time of need and be a helping hand.

    IMG_2838

    Saturday

    we all went down to Huntington Beach

    There was a junior leagues surfing competition going on which was neat.

    The sunset was absolutely breathtaking. The amount of colors the sky was giving off was not like I’ve seen in awhile.

    I haven’t been back to Huntington since the Disney Land trip I took with Meagans family about 10-12 years ago? It reminded me of how we walked the pier and had lunch at Ruby’s back then. So of course we did our traditional Ruby’s lunch and pier walk. Meagan was still looking for her graduation dress so we walked the shops and tried to find one. While we looked I walked and talked to Meagan’s mom and dad about all the memories of us all hanging out and all the things we did in High School and who and who didn’t get out of the small town we all grew up in.

    We went back to the room to drop off our stuff and Meagan and I went to downtown Disney to have drinks and dinner and to celebrate her success. We talked about life and everything happening and how we’ll be traveling in the future and where we want to go.

    It was almost midnight when we left Disney and everything was closing and I remembered that I also haven’t been back to Disney since Nick and I went back in 2015 around the time we met and were getting serious. Even though Meagan and I didn’t go into the park I’m glad that going to downtown Disney was like a baby step for me going back and not making the experience really emotional. I’m thinking of doing Disney Land for my birthday but we’ll see.

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    Sunday

    Graduation day

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    We woke up early and drove to Pasadena where we discovered the hell of trying to park.

    The ceremony took some time but I forgot how entertaining graduations can be. So many people twerking and screaming on stage and being all kinds of extra lol.

    The graduation took maybe 2 hours total and then we left and went to go eat at Yard House. I couldn’t stay long because I had to be back in town by 11:30pm to drop off my rental.

    I made sure to grab my Starbucks for the drive home so that I wouldn’t fall asleep.

    I put on music I haven’t listened to since High School and some music Nick and I listened to.

    It’s funny how when you get into a relationship you start listening to other genres of music and stop listening to what you normally would listen to. I listen to country music mainly now because of Nick lol. I used to HATE country until now. I’ve been listening to Midland on repeat. I think I’ll be stuck on country for awhile just because I love discovering new music and I’m slowly starting to and really enjoy it.

    I got into town a little after 11:30pm and had my brother pick me up from the airport where I rented my car from and went home.

    This weekend reminded me that when you’re feeling alone, you’re not so alone after all. There’s people who care about you and are thinking about you and want to help you. If someone extends that hand and wants to help you, take it. More than anything, let the universe take control in these situations and pray that God will help get you through. All I’ve done is pray and I definitely feel like a changed person.

    I just hope Nick is watching and spending time with me during these trips and special moments.. The world is just so quite without him. I miss his laugh and whenever I think of him laughing I always think of the dumb shit he would laugh at that was on TV lol.

    If you’ve gotten this far and have been reading my posts, thank you… These blog posts have been keeping me sane and I appreciate everyone who has been reading. ♥

  • Closing the Last Door

    Closing the Last Door

    October 31st

    12:15am

    It’s officially Halloween and my last night in the apartment.. I’m drinking my Midnight Blue tea I bought from Sheffield’s tea shop up in Henderson. I have Jar of Hearts radio on Pandora currently. All of these songs playing are really speaking to me and making me feel like Nick is still around. Currently Death Cab for Cutie-Someday you will be loved is playing and just really hits right in the feels.’

    I changed all the addresses on my accounts again to my moms address.

    I packed up a little more earlier today and knew it would be hard for me to pack and understand that this is all over. Tears kept flooding my eyes as I put more and more things away. I took a moment to sit down and cry it all out to be able to continue to do everything. I took some things to storage and figured I’d wait until later to finish everything.

    I got home and showered. I sat in the shower and cried and realized it would be my last one here. I thought of all the times Nick and I showered together. The times we would be showering quick to go to a party or go somewhere fun. Whenever I park in my parking space I still look at the bathroom to see if the light is on. I know it won’t be on but I used to always look for the light to be on because almost every time I’d get home, he would be in the shower. Just a habit of mine still.

    As the water kept running I just sat there staring at the handle in disbelief that now I have to face reality and this is all real now.. I know in my heart I don’t feel we have broken up but reality slaps you in the face and reminds you that indeed this is real and it’s happening whether I feel it or not and it just hurts a little bit more..

    I finished showering and went to Sonic to get food. I was fucking starving and that’s where we went most of the time when we wanted to pig out. I figured it would be good to eat the meal we used to have and come home and watch Below Deck. Our most watched shows together were Below Deck, Live PD, Impractical Jokers and American Horror Story. We even saw impractical jokers live lol. Since Below Deck was on tonight I figured I’d finish watching it since I probably won’t be able to finish the series.

    When you really break down this situation this is the way it looks and feels to me.

    I dealt with death in the beginning..

    I went to the memorial, I spoke all the words I had in my heart in his honor and mourned. I went the places he and I went to for more closure and will continue to do so.

    Now I’m dealing with the breakup..

    The move out, the packing of boxes of everything we shared and living somewhere else without him.

    That’s why this is so hard, it’s losing someone to death and a breakup at the same time. It’s like getting heartbroken all over again one last time.

    Everything still feels like it just happened yesterday and I still find myself crying wherever I drive or run into something that reminds me of him.. I just feel so tormented by emotions that it gets to be a little too much at times and really makes me question life and everything happening in general.

    This situation really fucking sucks. This is the one time I do feel angry at Nick because packing everything is frustrating since we had so much shit and it hurts going through everything and getting emotional every 5 seconds.. We put this place together and built a home for ourselves just to tear it all down.

    I’m experiencing so much emotion that I start to feel like I can’t deal.. It makes me wonder if I’ll ever be able to move on and if I do how will it be? Will I have found how and will I be the same?.. I have so many questions with none answered. I still wonder why this happened to me and why he would do what he did… We were going to be fine, everything was looking up and things were about to be really good and now it’s all over and I have to learn to live without him and grow without him.

    All we want is someone to love us, someone to show us love is real and to care for us but no one tells us or prepares us for the what ifs..

    Thursday Nov 1st 11:30pm

    Yesterday I had to move out of the apartment.

    I barely ate anything because of how stressed I was about the move. I went to the storage unit first thing in the morning and dropped off whatever else I could do alone. I wanted the experience to be intimate. I didn’t realize I had so much shit until it became never ending. We really accumulated so much shit in a matter of 2 years. I was shocked how much stuff we had.

    Thank God for my friend Tiara and her boyfriend and my brother to help with all the heavy shit. I’ve been really sick with allergies and just been weezing and coughing.

    The move took a total of about 12 hours to do…. It was rough.

    This move was extremely emotional for me. I wish I didn’t have to leave. I would of stayed there until I was ready to move but I just couldn’t afford it alone..

    Once everything was pretty much in storage. My brother and I went back for one more trip to get the last of everything.

    I walked through the empty apartment looking around at how empty it was and remembering when we first got our keys and went to look at the space before moving in.

    I figured it was time to start closing the doors. Something in me was just signaling to close the doors, I felt like I’d get closer to closure if I do it.

    I went to the bedroom and decided to start at the closet with the goodbye process. I stared at the closet and began to cry thinking of all those times we would be getting ready together and I would ask for his advice on what to wear or he’d ask me a million different times what belt with what shoes he should wear.. I closed the closet door and stood at the doorway of the bedroom staring at the room where we spent every night together sleeping. I looked at all the dents on the floor from where the bed was and just thought about how he would wake me up in the middle of the night from cuddling me. Even though he was a big guy, he loved to be cuddled. Nick was really really gentle and even though he was big and intimidating he was the biggest teddy bear and loved to be held.. I turned the light off and took the remote with me, it’s the one thing we really shared together and I wanted to keep that.

    I walked to the den and thought of all those memories of how he would always be taking my picture for my Instagram and for the companies I would shoot for. I thought of how it looked like a garage when we first moved in because of how much shit was piled in it. I would get so mad at him for it! Lol. One of the last thins I remember asking him was why he made so much room in the den and he replied saying that it was because he knew I wanted to have a social media room and wanted me to have more space.. I closed the door and went to the kitchen.

    I thought about all the times we cooked together or on Sundays when we would be hanging out at home doing nothing and I’d make us breakfast or if he knew I had a long week ‘he’ would make us breakfast. I thought of all those times I’d come home in a bad mood and no matter how upset I’d be he would always ask if I was hungry and if I wanted him to make me something to eat. I would always make a big chickpea veggie soup and it was one of the last things we cooked together and I remember so vividly that day because he didn’t want me touching the soup at all, I could tell he was trying to learn how to make it all on his own! I told him that night that the trick was in the spices and when it was finished it’s as if I had made it, he definitely got it down with the spices and didn’t over do it. I turned the light off and went to the living room

    I sat on the floor in silence trying to contain myself and just thank him for everything and again started crying.. I finished the water bottles he left behind on his last day. I left those for last because I knew I’d need them for this last day. I mainly kept them because it was the closest to a last kiss that I was going to get and I guess I just wanted to save that for last..

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    The living room holds the most amount of memories since we spent so so much time there. All I thought of was how we would watch all our favorite shows together or how I’d cook dinner and we would sit and have dinner on the coffee table and watch our shows or a movie. I’d lay my arm next to him and he would scratch my arm or how I’d want to cuddle next to him and we would somehow someway find a way to both lay on the couch together. Normally when I’d lay next to him like that I’d fall right asleep because of how comfortable I was. We would discuss things going on in shows or movies while laying on the couch and just really spending quality time together.

    I realized more and more as I saw the holes in the walls, how much Nick actually did for me.

    There was a light fixture that he installed for me so I could do hair at home and when Christian took it down I saw how many holes were drilled and all the wiring Nick went through to hook it all up for me.. That’s true love…. He went through so much to help me so I could follow my dreams and be happy..

    I started to talk to him out loud and just hoped he could hear me and hear how sad I am without him and how I just miss him a lot.

    The last place to go to was the bathroom.. The 1 thing I grabbed last was his mirror and razors from the shower.. I know how much he used those and I just kept getting images of when I’d come home and find him showering and shaving.. He would always yell “HI BABE!” or I’d go in there if he didn’t hear me come into the house and I’d scare the shit out of him lol. I closed the door and was getting ready to leave.

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    I stood at the doorway staring down the hall that lead to the living room thinking of how many times I came home to hear him greet me. The times I would come home drunk from being out with him all night and how the first thing we would always do is throw our shoes off, take our pants off and lay on the couch. I thought of how much I was going to miss the apartment and how much I wish I didn’t have to leave.. Before I got too carried away with my tears, I kissed our place goodbye and left..

    Closing these doors helped give me a sense of peace knowing that there is no door open anymore. Everything has been closed now and now I just have to move forward. I don’t have a choice but to move forward.

    I thought I’d be really bent about having to move in with my mom because I’ve just been on my own for so long that it kind of sucks having to go back home. But to be honest, I’m really not that upset. I’m glad to be home and glad to have a loving family. There’s people who don’t even really have family so I really can’t complain. The holidays are around the corner and it’ll be good to spend it with my family. I know my mom wanted me home and always missed me so it’ll be good to be home and helping her out with whatever she needs. I know she feels so awful about this situation and I’ve never seen her so worried for me.. I can tell it’s hard on her because my mom has always known me to be the strongest person and the strongest one in the family but she knows if I cry over anything it’s because I truly am very hurt. It takes a lot for me to cry, it’s not that I don’t like to or want to it’s just that I tend to separate emotions and rationalize things before allowing myself to cry.

    I’ll be with my mom for a few months and if I need to stay another year then I’ll stay another year but my goal is to really save as much as possible the next 3 months and try to buy property. After having to move and deal with all this shit and dealing with leaving somewhere I didn’t want to leave, I will never again feel like that. I want to buy my own home so I can do whatever the fuck I want to it and to never be told I have to leave or have rent raised on me. Obviously if I have to rent a condo or something then I will just to have my own space again but the goal at hand right now is to power save and work my ass off double time to make this happen.

    I want to thank everyone who’s supported me through all of this and helped me with anything and to mainly stay above water. I love you guys and thank you so much. ♥

    “Something always brings me back to you. It never takes too long. No matter what I say or do I’ll still feel you here till the moment I’m gone..”

    “I sing myself a quite lullaby, let you go and let the lonely in to take my heart again..”