Local Model, Photographer and Graphic Designer living in Las Vegas. I have a strong passion for writing so my blogs consist of my photography and with it I write what I'm going through or where I've gone recently. There's a piece of me that goes into each and every post I make. Each piece carries its own wave of thoughts and emotions. If interested in booking me or you have questions about rates or TFP shoots contact me at email@example.com -Jameson
So today I did this kind lady’s hair named Janice..
Janice is a school teacher for middle school kids and she came in today to get her hair done for her son’s wedding next weekend.
She had told me when we were walking to my chair that she hasn’t done anything to her hair in 2 years and that her youngest daughter did her hair the last time she did it.
It was blonde before and her regrowth she came in with was about 6 inches long so she definitely needed something done to it. She figured since her son was getting married that she would do something fun and different so she could look nice at his wedding. I thought it was the cutest thing ever.
The minute she sat down I could just feel that feeling of something old that needs to be moved or changed. She wanted high lights put in and I suggested we color the rest of her hair brown so that everything matches, but a warm brown since she had warm blonde in her hair. She was all for it so we were good to go. I had my learning leader Brent help me with getting down the right high light techniques down that I would need to make sure she left with good hair.
As I was doing her hair, she told me that she was happy her son was getting married, but it didn’t seem different or anything because the girlfriend had been part of the family for so long. That was beautiful to me because parent approval is so very important. She ended up getting really quite and just closing her eyes as I did her hair, which really helped me concentrate on what I was doing. Man it was quite the project and just getting all the weaving and color in there took about 2 hours alone for me..
She told me her daughters actually done Paul Mitchell shows! She said her daughter did the gathering 2 years ago and they actually wet her down on stage and she fell down the stairs or something like that because of how slippery the steps were. Her daughters had her hair cut by Tikashi and Angus Mitchell and all the big names for Paul Mitchell really so I thought it was so rad!
I asked her about her kids and she ended up opening up to me and telling me her daughter who’s done the PM shows almost died 2 years ago from her Crohn’s disease.. She told me that her daughters organs had so much scarring that she didn’t think she would make it and that she had all her funeral already planned and her casket she picked out because she really didn’t think she’d make it…. It broke my heart to say the least.. That moment made me realize why she hadn’t touched her hair in 2 years. She was probably holding onto that blonde that her daughter did for her.
We got rid of half of the blonde in her hair and put some round layers in it with the highlights she wanted. I went back and checked my work to make sure I didn’t miss anything and if I got a holiday or line of demarcation I could correct it and make sure she left with good hair.
I was blowing her hair out and I went to grab hair spray to set her curls and when I was just about done with the hair spray she was crying. I thought she might of had a sensitivity to hair spray so I was like oh fuck.. I asked if she was ok and she said yeah, that she was crying because she no longer has to look at those 2 years of regrowth and use it as a reference to the time her daughter almost died…. I think she was traumatized and her hair was a reminder of such a sad and bad time in her life. The highlights and brown in her hair covered up those 2 years of sadness she must of been feeling and she honestly looked completely different.. I was happy and I didn’t feel anything when she started crying to be honest, I kind of didn’t know what to do. She checked out and bought a caper bag to help me get to caper next year and she also left me smash burger coupons so I can go to lunch.
When she left it just hit me like a train how bad I felt for her and her situation and how she used her hair as a reference to the time her daughter almost died.. I mean I just couldn’t imagine myself or my mother going through something like that. It seriously made me so sad. I kept trying to fight back the emotions I was feeling to try and be strong about the situation because I know I’m going to run into things like this as a stylist and need to be emotionally strong for my guests and for myself.
I walked to smash burger after I was done with her hair and I just felt the need to call my mom to talk to her and I just started crying because of how sad that was to me. Using hair as a reference to a sad time in life. It made me realize the power hair can have over someone and how even regrowth could be used as a reference point in life and all that. I told my mom all of this just crying to her explaining to her how I was feeling and how kind this lady was and the amount of hurt she must feel sometimes knowing her child almost died and all that. I know it sounds dramatic, but things like this truly get to me because I feel for people that go through hard situations like that..
I had completely forgotten to even take a before and after photo so when I walked into smash burger I actually saw her and managed to get a photo of her hair and I’m glad I did because this marked a very important moment in my life to always remember; To always do my best and truly strive to change someone’s life and appearance to make them feel good about themselves. It made me realize the importance of ALWAYS trying to do your best and giving it your all so at the end of the day you can say you did whatever you could and if someone doesn’t like your work then try again.
Overall, today showed me the effect hair has on most people’s life and sometimes their heart. It showed me and helped me understand the importance of doing your best in this industry to become the best and be respected. I see hair in a completely different view after today and going through something so emotional for me..
To say the least her daughter is doing amazing and works as an engineer for Disney and is currently working on the guardians of the galaxy ride at Disney right now!🙂
So that makes me happy🙂
Today was a great day and I’m glad I had the pleasure of working with Janice. She will definitely be back in the school for me to do her hair.🙂
The way I’ve dealt with certain situations, people I’ve left behind, how I feel about it and how I’d react if I saw these people again.
I realize more and more that growing up from the ages of 5-12 were the happiest years of my life. That innocence and curiosity to life. No worries, just fun and going to school. I realize that those times are kind of the most important because whatever you learn or are exposed to is what really affects you or changes you and helps you grow or ruins you. I may be wrong, but I feel like that’s how I’m able to understand myself so much, from the fact I can look back and pinpoint certain key events that changed me or helped me or traumatized me. But I’m not a victim of my past and regardless of what I went through, I grew from it and didn’t take my anger or frustration out on people. I deal with my situations and move on. Life’s too short to blame other people for things you or they can’t control.
I take every opportunity to text a friend and tell them I love them just because I’m thinking about them. I take every opportunity to say I’m sorry or that I hope their day goes amazing just for the hell of it. I take every opportunity to thank someone if they helped me with something. You don’t know when your time will come and I want to make sure everyone that I appreciate, knows I care about them.
I’ve done a ton of reflecting because of how far I’ve come in school and how graduation is right around the corner and just how far in life I’ve come in general.
So awhile back the Paul Mitchell Gathering event was in town being held at the Aria. It’s a huge educational event that a bunch of the students went to, to assist and volunteer help for other stylists. I couldn’t go because of my work schedule and they really require your complete help which I could not guarantee since I would have to go to work afterwards and work some more.
I went to have dinner with a friend at Mastros at Crystals and I saw a ton of my school buddies on the way there leaving the Aria after the event. It upset me in a way because I would of loved to have gone and been a part of it, but I just know my body and know myself and didn’t want to overwork myself and feel sick.. I felt a slight bit of jealousy but I knew that next year I’d go and actually be a part of it and see what it’s about.
I got to Mastros and sat down and the waitress we always have told me there were a group of people who walked in that had a doll head in their bag and it looked like a dog lol. So I looked over at the group and one looked like my friend but it wasn’t her so I didn’t really pay attention to who it was sitting at the table until I glanced over again and seen Kelly Cardenas sitting with them. I then started to tell my friend that he was a big name for Paul Mitchell and owns his own salons etc. etc… So our server comes back and I ask her if she has their table, but she didn’t her friend did so her friend came over and talked to us and told me that she would tell him I said hello and that I go to PM the school here in town..
I just sat there for a minute staring at their table back n fourth and all I could think about was my future and how attainable it felt for a minute. The more I glanced over the more I could feel their energy of just success and maturity. I know it sounds weird, but it was so strange to FEEL that. That this man has worked so hard to get where he is today and has his own salons and has truly made a name for himself in the beauty industry. It was just so amazing to me to know that he had worked years to get to where he is and that if I work very hard at this that I could to be just as successful as him..
Our food came out and she circled back and told me that he said he wanted to buy me and my friend the butter cake that Mastros has (WHICH IS SOOOO FUCKING GOOD) and to talk to him before they left! I thought it was so cool! I was so damn appreciative that I ate the cake and walked over to him and told him thank you for the cake. I told him that his salon was one that I was looking into and he told me to come in as soon as possible to check out the salon, the sooner the better and that they’re there for me if I plan on wanting to go to his salon after graduating. It made me so happy and made me just feel like even though I have certain questionable thoughts about PM itself, that he’s probably one of the most nicest and realest people in the company.
The poster our group made for learning stations for color week!🙂
School has been going alright and I’m about half way done. I feel like I’m definitely understanding color and color application a lot better. I’d definitely like to become a color specialist because it’s fun to me since I feel like hair color just completely transforms someone depending on how drastic they go with it. My cutting skills have been getting better as well and I’ve been watching my cutting and coloring DVD’s at home more to get down the techniques better. I want to get better at upstyles so I need to buy another doll head with long hair soon so I can get that going. Up styles are definitely going to be something I want to master before graduating because I enjoy doing them I just can barely do them lol.
The time we got assigned seats because our class wouldn’t shut the fuck up lmao.
The memories I’ve made at school have been some of the best. I’ve met some of the most free-loving people. I’ve never really had a group of friends that I hang out with like I do with Paige, Jayven and Callie. Having them in my life has definitely made school worth going to and made it a lot more enjoyable. We’re the Paul Mitchell sorority. xD
This time here was the time we literally spent like 15-20 min of our already clocked lunch break trying to get this fucking chair in Callies trunk since we all didn’t fit in her car and she had like 5 chairs in there already lol. This thing wouldn’t fit so we decided to put it in my car and I forgot it was in the back of my car until I drove to work and heard something big bashing into my car door lol. So I gave it back to Callie the next day lmao good times.
I’ve been really pushing myself to do everything I can at school so that when I graduate I can really have all the tools I need to go anywhere I want with my license. I’ve been pushing myself out of my comfort zone to try new things or things that intimidated me like updos. So even though they’re still a bit rough, I’m proud that I’m even trying.
This whole Journey has just made me realize that becoming a cosmetologist is a big self challenge. Being a cosmetologist in my opinion is nothing but a self challenge of how creative you can really be and what you can create and call art. It’s hard because I’m so used to needing control and needing to know exactly how to do something that sometimes I forget to think outside of the box and find ways to do things my own way and to work smarter not harder.
I expect a lot from myself because I only have a year in school and then it’s onto the real world, but a year is not enough time to learn everything from A-Z. It takes time to learn different techniques and school is honestly just there to help you pass state board. It’s up to you to get the education you want by asking questions and just really being involved with school and that’s just what I’ve been doing. I’ve asked more questions, I’ve studied my workbook, I’ve pushed myself to do more up-dos which are difficult for me. I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone and just seen what I can come up with and see how I do. I’ve definitely launched my Take Home Team and came up with new and better ideas for the team itself because when I graduate I want to make sure the team is very well established and a bigger part of school.
I want to leave school with good standing and to feel like I learned what I needed to while I was there. I’m half way done with school, I’m pushing myself to learn double of what I’ve already learned and want to try and just get better and better. I’m showing up to school with game plans now to really get work done and get my book work turned in, so I’m proud of myself for that.
The last thing I want to do is graduate and not know anything because I did what I needed to get by, which is what I see a lot of people doing. I want to know every logistic of the cosmetology industry so I can work in whatever field I choose whether it be hair, skin, nails etc.
I’m just glad I have Nick to calm me down from all the stress between work and school. I feel bad because I know sometimes I rant more than others and he doesn’t deserve to hear me bitch all the time but I definitely have my days.
He just keeps me grounded through all of this otherwise I’d be beyond stressed with the pressure of everything going on.
We actually did our first zip line together lol. He came to town for his grandmas birthday and we went to go see Thunder from Down Under with his mom and grandma and it was the most hilarious thing ever. The shit they do to these girls that come on stage is hilarious lol.
We actually did this more so to celebrate the 1 year that we’ve known each other.. It has definitely been very hectic for both of us and still trying to get to understand one another and work things out long distance. It’s not easy but he makes it worth it and makes life easier and I love him for that. This weekend was truly epic and filled with so much love and emotion. I’m excited to see what next year holds for us because I know it’ll be rewarding considering the fact we’ve both been patient with each other and pushed aside anything standing in our way to keep us apart or upset at each other.
So these past 4 months have truly been a busy blur!
As many of you know, I finally started beauty school
I started at Paul Mitchell back in February and have been loving it thus far.
I’ve come across some seriously amazing and talented people while in school.
I became president for a product knowledge team called “Take Home Team” so every Thursday I go into core which is the very beginning of the whole Paul Mitchell program and I teach the new class about products and what the products do and what ones to try for certain hair types and hair conditions as well as how to sell them to a client. Learning how to pitch everything to the students has been helping me very much in getting to understand the way I teach and my verbage.
Being the team’s president has truly opened my eyes to what it’s like to teach and I really enjoy it. I just feel I understand it and can understand the students with any questions they may have. From the expressions on their faces to the way they communicate things to me, I can immediately see how they learn or if they’re enjoying what we’re talking about and if they understand it or what I might need to go over again. If they’re not enjoying it I start to think of what I can do to turn things around and make it more fun for them and easier for them to understand about what I’m talking about.
Not only is take home team helping me but I’ve decided that it’s the career of choice I want to choose! What I mean by that is I want to assist in Vegas for about a year and then move to San Diego within 2 years and work at a name brand salon (Robert Cromeans, Bumble and Bumble etc.) so that I can be a stylist and work my way up to being an educator for whichever brand I choose to represent. But this isn’t the end of the road for me once I do become what I want to be. I’ll be going BACK to school for graphic design once I establish myself a little better so that I could ultimately be my own boss. If in 5-10 years I can have a very solid clientele I can trust then I can easily take clients out of my own home. I want to have my own chair and supplied all out of home. It would ultimately be a dream to really remodel my home and turn it into whatever type of spa/salon I’d want for my clients so that I could always be with my loved ones and simply live a semi-laid back life from home and that way if I ever want to travel the world I don’t have to worry about being anywhere for work I could take my work everywhere I go especially if I was a graphic artist.
I graduate next February but I can graduate earlier in January if I continue to arrive on time every day without missing any school. State board just changed their law again so I’m scheduled 1600 hours instead of 1800 which means I won’t be there that long (hopefully). Plus, once I hit 1250 hours I can start staying late so that I can get all the hours I can and graduate earlier.
The school’s education system is super rad. We get to have really awesome guest speakers like Tim Storey.
It’s a fun environment and everyone is so energetic. I really feel like I fit in and that’s the best feeling ever. Sometimes I feel like everyone is doing way better than I am but I know with skill and practice I’ll get progressively better I just want to be good NOW and I just need to have a little more patience with the whole program. I believe the more I continue to work with people the more I’ll be comfortable with everything but what I truly feel will help is if I start doing friends’ hair since I’ll have that extra comfort.
Not to mention my best friend Paige has really been helping me take school to the next step of enjoyment with all the crazy shit we get into lol. We started our own instagram for our hair movement aimed towards blondes. If you haven’t followed us already definitely check us out!!! Instagram: @hausofhousewives
tag #housewifeblonde in everything blonde you post!😀
Our cosmetology sorority frat party!
I did my friend Shyannes hair a couple months back and I’m actually impressed with the way it came out!
She was originally like a golden toasty color and wanted a white/pastel pink so I lifted her hair just a step lighter with 20 volume developer to get it a little more yellow so I could tone it with a violet base toner to cancel out the yellow and then I applied the pink over it and got a really pretty gold/white/pink out of it. She had a balayage done and I didn’t want to mess up the work her stylist had done so I made sure to leave out certain pieces and not touch more than I needed to on her hair. I just worked with the outline work of everything and went with that.
I also practiced my haircuts and styling on my niece who I love so much!
I also colored my hair electric royal blue on accident.. I really had no idea what color I was going to get when I put the Joico Sapphire Blue on my hair but I really really love the way it faded.
I also tried coloring my hair a light lavender and did the same shit again! it came out super vibrant like the blue but faded into an orchid lol
So my hairs been doing some really fun shit lol.
Other than school I’ve just been laying really low. Haven’t been going out much at all and it sucks because I want to but I’m always tired.. If I’m not tired then I’m working on school work.. School has really been taking up allot of my time especially since I want to start getting better at everything so it’s going to take more dedication.
There are those days that I don’t have anything to do and feel a bit lonely just because so many of my friends have plans already made for the weekend and I can’t exactly make plans right now because idk how I’ll feel the day of. I get really tired these days and 16 hour days take a toll on my tiny body so I sleep whenever I can.. This lifestyle isn’t going to be forever so I just have to stick it out for the next couple of months and keep telling myself no one said it’d be easy, but worth it.
Overall I would say I’m doing great and just waiting to graduate. There’s things that have changed at school that I’m not exactly happy about but it’s nothing that can’t be fixed or delt with. Work changed management so that’s another big thing that I’ve been having to deal with because it isn’t easy..
And if anyone is wondering how Nick and I are doing we’re still doing very good! We have our moments like any couple would but overall we’re doing pretty amazing still and just waiting to see each other again. It’s been really hard having him away with so much going on because I just really need a hug and kiss sometimes and instead I have to wait until I get home just to talk to him.. So it’s hard I won’t lie but we get through it and he helps me feel better and understand things which is why I love him. We got to spend the 4th of July together which was amazing because I haven’t spent the holiday with someone special in years.
So stick around guys! I’ll be posting allot of more good stuff soon! It’s been months since I’ve wrote a post but I’ve just been super busy and editing photos and writing is very time consuming. I hope everyone’s enjoyed this post, stay tuned!🙂
So yesterday my friend Lisa and I collaborated on putting together some fun colors for my hair!
I’ve never had this many colors in my hair at once… At least not in like 7-8 years lol.
I was so tired and out of it because I took my allergy medicine the night before and just didn’t have the energy to really talk about exactly what I wanted I just had Lisa explain to me what she was going to do and just let her do her thing. I was just not smiling because of how out of it I was so if anyone is wondering why I didn’t look like my happy go lucky self, it’s because of that haha.
I was a bit nervous but I trust her with my hair and her ideas. I seriously did not expect for my hair to turn out as amazing as I feel it did! I love the vibrancy of the color!
We used Pravana Neon Blue, Neon Green, and Violet.
To style we used Bumble and Bumble products.
Lisa had been wanting to do fun colors for her portfolio and I could understand wanting to do something crazy because many people can’t get wild colors because of work or it’s just not for them and I’m so easy going and love things that are crazy so I let her do her thing with my hair and I’m truly amazed with the outcome.
Not to mention a popular hair stylist instagram posted our picture! The feeling of that was awesome because we put allot of hard work into making sure the pictures looked professional and unfiltered to really see the color for what it was.
If anyone is interested in trying this look out or something similar, feel free to contact her:
Another year to mark down in my 24 years of life of being one of the best years to ever happen to me. This year really taught me so much about myself and I learned the one thing I truly needed…. SELF CONTROL.
I’m going to briefly explain everything. If interested to read more about the things I did this year feel free to search through my blog!
So let’s start from the beginning of all the adventures this year.
For my birthday I went on a cruise and took it to the Bahamas!
Last day of the cruise and I decide to get hammered drunk.
Manta Ray rolled towels!
My view from my balcony room of the ocean.
Night time view of the deck we were on hanging out.
Water was cold!
My double fisting pose. Drinking Bahamian beer. It honestly tasted just like a corona lol.
In front of the Bahamas sign haaayyy.
At dinner they were rounding people up and dancing in a single file line around the restaurant so of course my wild ass starts getting live.
Here I was having a conversation with Elaine and her Husband Charlie.
Oddly enough I went with 2 people I’m no longer friends with lmao. But the experience was amazing!!!! I’ve always wanted to go on a cruise and it was truly the funnest adventure ever! I mean, all you really do is talk and drink and eat but being out there on the ocean so far away from home was just ultimate. I completely fell in love with the sea at night. It was so dark and the only light you could see were from the other cruise ships. It just made you think of what all could be in the water underneath you and the fact it’s such an open body of water you’re sailing on. It was just incredible. I had never been anywhere other than California so it was amazing seeing a completely different culture.
After the cruise I went to Orlando and hung out for the rest of the time there. Let me just say that Orlando is not somewhere I’ll ever visit again unless I’m going to Disney World… It was so damn boring and everyone was so rude! I hated it. The only thing I liked there was the sea food. Other than that I could do with not going back lol.
Only thing that really happened this month was being able to take my mom out for her birthday that she so deserved. She never gets to enjoy her days as much so I took her to senor frogs. My moms been there for me through alloootttttt this year and continues to try hard to make sure I’m happy so I’ve returned the same to her.
Our balloon hats! She got the crown, I got the frog!
I told the girls to not pay attention to me taking photos because I wanted to make this photo look old to give a sense of nostalgia.
I took my photography outside of my blogs and took it more serious by buying photography books a professional camera and helped some friends with their portfolios as well as worked on building a photography portfolio for myself.
All the models I shot with this year
Quickly I had heard early this year that there was an event called RAW where all types of artists come together to sell and show their work. A great way to meet other people and make connects.
I was able to received all of the profit I made and donated 30% towards American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) for sentimental reasons.
The experience was incredible because so many of my friends showed up to support and be a part of all of it and hang out with me. It was the best feeling because it’s things like that, that show me who my real friends are and how great my friends truly are. I appreciate the little things in life and honestly I could have nothing but as long as I have my friends I’m fine because their love, care and support is what has truly shaped who I am today.
The flowers June gave me I put in a vase.🙂
Nataly- the manager of the event checking out how my work turned out.
Doing the RAW show helped me see past all the negative from that day because I had my car keyed that day in the parking garage of the new place I was living at.. It was terrible because I hadn’t noticed until I went to my moms to pick up the rest of my things since I had moved that day and my nephew pointed it out. But even though that happened I fought past it and enjoyed the show.
About a month later I had my car repaired and it’s fine now.🙂
I did the AFSP walk here in town in remembrance and honor of my best friend Joey who passed away last year.. We’re going on 2 years next year but he will absolutely not be forgotten and I wanted to make sure of that. I don’t care what drama he had with anyone he was loyal, strong, and caring as fuck about his friends and family. His love for his friends (true friends) and family ran deeper than mine ever could. He had an appreciation for friends and family that I’ve never witnessed before and was so charismatic and smart. He was the one person who could really make me laugh uncontrollably. I mean for real.. I would be in tears sometimes laughing at the shit he would say lol. I miss him sooooo much but I’m making sure his name lives on. It’s a mission of mine until I die.
Got my shirt! In order to have received this shirt I needed to raise $150 and I did! Thank you to everyone who donated because it helped me get this shirt that I can now keep as remembrance of the walk.
Some people released balloons in remembrance of who they lost.
Nowadays I try and remember all of that instead of the fact he’s gone because I would like to believe he’s still around and that his memory will continue.
April rolled around and I finally had the chance to get it all repaired and since my car insurance was able to give me a rental, I decided to take it to Zion! I hate the drive to Zion and I hate racking miles onto my own car so I figured I’d definitely get some miles in on this car lol.
Me and my friend Cara and Scott decided to go up for the day and go hiking. I love going to Zion, it’s so relaxing and absolutely beautiful. April 2nd was the day Joey passed away so it was good for me to get far away from reality and just spend that day out in the mountains with good company.
Lunch time rest.
After hike drinks. I was fucking BEAT.
My whole life; Cara❤
Was shit, nothing fun
My niece Alexis graduated from Kindergarten to first grade!
I love her to absolute pieces. There’s a bond with her that I have that I don’t have with my other niece or nephew and that’s because when Alexis was born I had to kind of had to look out after her since there were family issues at the time. So ever since she was born for the first 2 years I mainly took care of her. I felt like a parent to her honestly. So every time I look at her I feel like she’s mine because I took care of her for so long and was there to watch her grow and the one she first walked to. I still remember the times I had super blonde hair and people would always ask me if she was my daughter when we went out. I always said yes and they all would be shocked because I would tell them I was 18 lol.
She’s growing up so damn fast but I’m thankful to God that I’m able to capture all those special moments of her growing up.
I went to California to get away in this same month. After Joey’s one year of passing away I still felt really tormented with everything so I just needed a getaway middle of this year to just clear my head a little more and visit good friends and get some sun at the beach! So me and my road dawg Scott went to California. He went to go meet some hot girls and I went to visit my friend Matt in California in June and spent a couple of days out there hanging out.
Amy, Jess and I
Random dude that was flirting with me lol
Me, Melissa, Rachel and Meagan
I spent at the Vegas pool parties! My friends and I spent a ton of time at XS for night swim! My good friend Amy from Vancouver Canada came out with her boyfriend Jefferiah! I have not seen Amy in years! She’s such an awesome human being and seeing her again was epic. Her energy is incredible. Love her! If you’re Vegan and anti-fur check her out because she’s the best at what she does standing against all the cruelty! I mean, I know I eat meat and a big part of it is because I need any meat I can since I’m so skinny but she doesn’t judge. I love her.
This same month my friend Jessica got married! I’ve known Jessica since I was 21 and she was underage getting into the bars we went to with a fake ass ID lmao. I love her to death. One of the very few people I can call a great friend. Although we don’t talk allot, she and my friend Lisa are a big part of my heart for the simple fact that we all can relate to so much and our sex stories are ALWAYS the best.
The Bellagio set up a stage in their fountain area for 3 days and performed a very old form of theater called “Kabuki” and it was beautiful! I managed to go after work and get a decent spot since the entire fountain area was covered with people watching the show. It was free and there were a ton of photographers there taking pictures of it. I was standing right next to one and it felt like fighting for the best shot from the tight spot we were in and it was HOT as hell that day.
This same month was extremely special because it was the month I met the boy who stole my heart
I met Nick.
Not sure if I’ve explained how we met in any past blog posts but I’ll explain again just in case.
I remember him liking my photos on instagram like a year n a half ago and just remember how cute he was and he had his snapchat on his instagram so I decided to just follow him on there and see how it goes.
I deleted snapchat forever ago and just re-installed it a few months back because Meagan constantly told me she would always send funny shit on there so I said fuck it and re-downloaded it and remembered my login for it!
So we would send each other snaps back n forth and I remember just writing him telling him he was cute and it went from there. Ever since that night we talked we just stayed consistent about talking. Every single night after that we FaceTimed and have not missed a single day. It’s the type of bond I always dreamed of and things have just continued to go amazing with us. I’m happy with him and don’t know anyone else that could handle the way I act and be able to read me the way he does. It’s amazing, truly.
Nick came to town and we had our first date! It was the perfect first date. We went to Scarpetta at the Cosmo for it. We talked and got to know each other more and he told me about the times he’s been to Vegas and just anything and everything. We went downtown for Meagans birthday and went to Goldspike. We got a little drunk but it was fun because he really enjoyed himself.
Dinner at Scarpetta at Cosmo
I decided to do a surprise visit to see Nick.
Meagan and I had planned to only go for like a day or 2 and just get the hell out of town so I didn’t tell Nick at all that I was going. I showed up at the restaurant his friends wanted us to all meet at and surprised the hell out of him. It was the best reaction ever. I got us a hotel that night to spend time together and just enjoy being in each others company since I hadn’t seen him in a month. The trip was so short but so worth it.
Meagan being funny
Bed time shenanigans
The following week I went out to go to Disneyland with Nick and to spend Thanksgiving with he and his family. I was really nervous because I wasn’t sure if they’d like me. I mean I know I look a little crazy and can dress a little wild but luckily enough his family liked me so that made me happy.😀
I took him to the valley that same night to go meet my family as well. I wanted to make sure I had my family’s approval of him and they all seemed to have a strong like to him which made me happy. My mom still hasn’t met him but my god mother has and that’s important to me.
I never get into relationships like this at all because they tend to freak me out or I tend to lose interest but he’s kept my interest at it’s peak which is just awesome so I’m just enjoying where this is going. We don’t fight or argue about anything. If I feel down about something or I’m frustrated and in a bad mood, he knows what to ask me to get me to talk and let him know what’s on my mind even if I don’t want to talk about it. Communication is by far the most important to me because I need to know we can have a conversation and if I’m pissed I need to know the other person will know what to do with me.
Me and Nick❤
Me my aunt Vilma, Leiani (leslies daughter) and Nick🙂
Was pretty quite this month with the exception of Christmas. For Christmas I spent it at home with my mom brother and nephew and unwrapped gifts with them Christmas day. My mom got me a whole bunch of clothes which is what I really needed. Thankfully she bought me all black clothes which is what I’ll need for school because that’s dress code! So I’ll definitely be getting some good use out of them. I bought her clothes as well. Some fun going out clothes because she doesn’t have any nice blouses or anything so I bought her a really classy top for her to wear to nice dinners and such.
I just truly felt the doors open for me this year. More than any other year.
I accomplished every goal I set for myself and even accomplished little goals that I had in the back of my mind that I never thought would just fall in my lap.
and big announcement
I’m starting hair school next year (February 16th) at Paul Mitchell and couldn’t be happier! It’s what I’ve always wanted.
It won’t be easy going to school full time and working part time because I’ll be having 16 hour days 3 days a week and my body can’t handle it much but I can train myself to handle just about anything so we’ll see how this all goes. Overall I’m excited to start this new venture and start a new chapter in my life and really BE someone. I’m just glad that I have someone by my side to enjoy this all with and I’m so extremely thankful this year for the friends I continue to have and the loving and supporting family I have. I don’t care about money I care about being surrounded by all the right people that just make you feel good because it makes life enjoyable and I’m blessed to have that.
So thank you friends that have stuck with me as I have stuck in your life. I’ll see you all next year!!!!
So a couple of nights ago me and my friends Danielle and Raquel decided to make vision boards!
It was Raquel’s idea we make one. So I brought over a bottle of wine with some Vogue magazines and the girls made SUPER SUPER SUPER YUMMY TACOS!!!! I mean, no lie they were so bomb.
So we ate and talked and then got to our vision boards! It was so much fun! I’ve never ever made one so I thought it was such a neat and fun idea. I didn’t realize how popular they were and how many people make them. Danielle sent me a video of Steve Harvey talking about his and what he wants to do and where he keeps it and all that.
We told stories and talked about boys and our futures and where we see ourselves next year. It was just what I’ve needed for the holiday’s. I never get lonely but for some reason around the holiday’s I kinda feel it just because family and togetherness tends to linger in the air. So it felt nice to know I have friends to spend time with and do activities like this with.
I really loved the idea of making vision boards because it makes sense.
An idea is only as good as you make it. A goal is only as good if you go after it and don’t lose sight. So making a vision board and placing it somewhere you’ll always see it I feel is the best idea because that way you’re constantly reminded of your plan for the year and what you want to do.
Here was mine
My board was divided with Career, life, love, health and beauty
(From left to right)
Career: This section explains how next year I want to do allot more modeling and get into hair school so I can start working in a salon by the end of next year hopefully. So I added hair products and a picture of a hair stylist and a model to show that. I also truly hope to get more shoots in so I added Cara Delevigne up there because currently she’s #2 right now as one of the hottest most sought after and is considered model of the year for this year.
Love and Life: This section was pretty simple because I’ve found someone I definitely love I just hope we can start a life in Vegas together and grow more together. I added the nuvo alcohol stuff as a form of celebration and a picture of a chase credit card and a guy jumping for joy into a pool because that’s me hoping to escape most of my credit card debt next year lmao.
Health and Beauty: I added because staying youthful and pretty is important. No one wants wrinkles early on! and you have to definitely stay healthy in order to continue to live life to the fullest. So I added some beauty product creams and some botox in there lol.
So yeah that concludes my board. I really hope I can achieve most of these goals! This year has truly been fucking awesome so I really hope next year proves to be the same.
Lately I don’t quite know where I stand in my faith. I’m not quite sure which side I feel more a part of once again..
The dark or the light?
I feel like the music choices I’ve made lately are naturally making me gravitate towards the dark again. But I find it odd because it’s music I enjoy.
The dark is fun to divulge in yet so toxic and after I finally snap out of it I feel guilty and unsure of myself… Like a child that has wronged.
I’ve always felt like I belonged to the side that holds light and no matter how dark I go, I know that there’s always a string of light to guide me back to where I belong and forces reminding me where I belong..
A part of me isn’t quite sure whether to believe the things on social media trying to brain wash me to thinking otherwise or believing that the light has some ways that we as people might consider evil?..
Sometimes I wake up feeling like a hypocrite because I believe the light is the path to follow and I try my best but the darkness has always had such a strong pull on me that lately I’ve spent more time in the dark and have really questioned myself if I belong there? Should I embrace it? Should I not? Who exactly am I when it comes to faith? A believer because I want to be good and afraid of being punished or am I truly a part of the darkness and denying it?…
I’ve never been put to the test like lately and it just feels like I’m rebelling more lately.. Instead of my hands being in oran they’ve been kept open.. As if I’m waiting for more the dark has to offer and not yet satisfied with what I’ve learned.. I’ve never let it in like before and I feel it’s doing more harm than good.
Yet the one thing I’ve truly asked to get rid of that was affecting me so much has suddenly vanished like I’ve wanted… Call it faith, call it power of will but the unhealthy nature I once possessed is suddenly gone. My body doesn’t crave like it used to for another….
Although lately everything I feel I’ve worked so hard towards to rid of has slowly slipped back into my life so I continue to deny it to remain good and in good faith.. I’m naturally attracted to the power of sexuality..
I feel sex was always a way to let the Devil in and is…
When I think of something holy and pure and think of the light beaming on me or thinking of it I feel awakened and healthy. But when I spend too much time dwelling in the dark I begin to feel ill and annoyed..
But I feel as if I’ll always have
An angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other constantly tugging at the wheel..
Only time will truly be able to tell how long I dwell and how well I crawl out of this spiritual warfare.
So this week I decided to take another trip to California. I spent 4 days there and had plans for each day so this is how the trip went! Grab your milk and cookies or popcorn because it’s a long story lol.
I stayed with Tawnee and Tara Joey’s sisters. Thanksgiving was a holiday Joey and I celebrated for 2-3 years that we were friends, so I really wanted to see the girls before the holiday.
I showed up around midnight that night and hung out with Tawnee playing Mortal Kombat and drinking beer. It was good to see her again and to just all be together.
Monday afternoon I got up and got ready so I could go see Joey’s tomb stone with Tawnee. I finally got to meet faith Tara’s daughter and played a Disney Princess game with her before I left.🙂
Honestly I didn’t cry at all when I went to go visit Joey and I think being there with Tawnee is what truly helped because I feel if I would of gone by myself I would of been a mess. I cry enough on the drive to California because I have a tendency of listening to Lana Del Rey and he loved Lana so it’s one of those things that trigger memories.
Tawnee and I got there around 1:30-2 and just talked about Joey and memories of him and laughed about allot of shit. I felt the need to just enjoy myself there. I know he would of appreciated the fact I was there visiting him with his sister and instead of crying we laughed and talked. We saw a tomb that had flowers and a beer so I told her to grab the beer so we can take a picture with it next to Joey’s tomb lmao. Joey LOVED beer that’s all he fucking drank so it was only obvious we needed it for the picture lol. We put it back afterwards though we’re not that fucked up haha.
We were there until about 3 and then I needed to head over to Nick because we were waking up for Disney Land hella early on Tuesday. So I said my goodbyes and was on my way.
I got to Nicks house around 5:30 and went to go eat pho with my brother! I wanted him to meet my brother from my dads side. I hadn’t seen Andy in like 5 years so I’m really glad we went out to eat and catch up. I guess he’s been in a relationship with the same guy for like 4 years and I’m so proud of him for that because I can tell he’s really in it for the long run. I guess his boyfriend is studying science to be a doctor so he definitely found himself a good one🙂.
Nick and I woke up at about 6am to get ready for Disney Land and left around 8. We didn’t get there until about 11:30-12 and I got a fucking SPEEDING TICKET ON THE WAY THERE!!!! I WAS FUCKING PISSED! I’ve never had a speeding ticket ever… First one and let me tell you I won’t be speeding out there anymore. Fuck that. I was doing 82 in a 65 zone but at least the cop had the decency of bringing it down to 80 so I guess that’s fine…. But I was still pissed like wtf. I just grabbed that shit and signed it so I could be on my way I didn’t even say shit to the cop after that everything he was saying I acted like I didn’t even hear him.
I had Nick drive shortly after that so I could take a nap and chill out.
We got to Disney Land around noon and decided to do Disney California Adventure first because it closed at 11 instead of midnight and there were a couple of rides Nick had picked out for us to ride. The first ride we went on was Tower of Terror! Nick suggested we do that first so we did. I took a ton of photos on all the rides we went on or in line because I wanted to make it as memorable as possible.
2nd was the Ferris Wheel that like does flips n shit. That one was so much fun! We rode the ride with these 3 teenage girls who were losing their shit because of how scared they were. I don’t blame the girls! The rides seats don’t have any fucking seat belts!!!! SO you have to hold on for dear life to the gates otherwise you will fly on someone in front of you lol. The girl in front of me was cracking me up the most because right when she would think the ride was over the people working the ride would be like “one more time!” so she’d start losing her shit all over again. The 2nd time around the flips got stronger so her facial expressions got better lol. When the ride reached the bottom she looked at the lady and was like “You better not say one more time! Get me off this ride!” I busted up laughing. It was hysterical.
3rd was the animation room!!!!!! The animation room is my ULTIMATE favorite part of California adventure! Every hour they have characters you can draw and they show you how to draw them so we went at 3:00 to draw Jack Skellington!
I felt kinda retarded because mine looked so silly! lol. It was fun though🙂
4th we went to go do Soarin, the ride that takes you over California and some girl had taken off her shoes and was like making snapchats and telling us which restaurants have beer n shit, she was so funny. I wish we would of drank because I think it would of made the experience fun but we were really caught up in just riding the rides and making sure we could ride all the fun ones before the parks closed.
After Disney California Adventure we went to Disney Land finally!
We got hungry around 4 so we had a hot dog with fries. It started to get really cold around that time too. It was overcast that day but it didn’t rain thank God! I would of been so miserable and upset lol.
When we got done eating Nick and I walked around holding hands and occasionally grabbing onto each other because it was so cold.
At one point we were walking behind another gay couple. They were literally right in front of us and I hadn’t really noticed until I seen that they were holding hands. It made me think of me and Nick because they were an older couple and for some reason I kind of got the feeling that, that could be us in the future. I know that I just met him and that maybe we might be moving too fast but I don’t care everything just feels perfect with him. I truly couldn’t have asked to meet someone better. He makes me beyond happy with everything he says and does.
I saw more lesbians at the park than gay guys. The only other gay couple I saw were the 2 guys in front of us and it was refreshing because I didn’t feel like we were the only 2 at the park holding hands. I didn’t give a fuck but it was just nice to know there was family there🙂.
I LOVE THE PETER PAN RIDE!!!!
We rode a ton of the rides we really wanted to ride like Peter Pan, Space Mountain, Indiana Jones, Haunted Mansion, Pirates of the Caribbean etc. We took pictures at almost every ride since he knows I like to document the shit lol. No one gave us nasty looks for kissing or holding hands or any of that which was great and if they did I surely wasn’t paying attention to them.
New Star Wars ride!
There was a show going on as we were waiting in line and they included Frozen into it!
Disney Land really did something to me this time around for sure.. I told myself when I last went to the park when I was 16 that I wanted to share that experience with someone I was with next time. I stuck to what I said and went with the single most amazing guy I’ve ever met. He kept me warm as we walked around and told me stories and we talked about anything and everything. We were both kind of quite just taking the park in but what really made the night was the firework show.
At certain times they have firework shows and some people will even set up like 2 hours prior to the shows to make sure they have a good view lol. I really wanted to watch the Disney Forever fireworks show because it’s beautiful. They add really good music to the show and make the experience there that much more magical. My favorite was the Tangled song they put into the show because it really helped me feel that much closer to Nick. I felt closer to him in the sense that since everything between us has just been going amazing so the firework show with the Tangled song just helped me feel close to him in that moment. The fact we feel the same for each other and were able to witness a beautiful firework show really helped me enjoy it that much more. Disney Land truly is amazing when you’re either with a big group of friends or with someone you love.
Here’s the video I recorded of that moment. They even included firework hearts!😀
After the firework show we continued to ride other rides and the lines were literally an hour long. It was so annoying…. The last ride we did was space mountain which is the last ride Meagan and I did last when we lat went together lol. There was some weird ring in the sky and everyone was taking pictures of it in the sky. It really was weird. What was worse is the fact we had this ragingly annoying teenage kid behind us talking all kinds of nonsense about space and death n shit. I was getting ready to ring his fucking neck!
It was midnight when we got off the ride and the park was dying down a bit as everyone was leaving to make it back to the train that took you back to the parking lot. I held onto him listening to all the romantic disney music playing. There were trees lit up with white christmas lights near the castle and it just really set the mood for the walk back. I felt at that moment that the entire day was worth it with him. Everything went amazing and he was so sweet to me asking me the entire day if I was ok and if I was hungry and such. He’s such a gentleman and I have no idea how I found someone so amazing as him but I did. He’s shown me what a real man is and what a real loving person looks like because his heart truly is gold and spending that time at Disney Land with him made me realize that he is exactly what I want..
We got home around 3am since he lives about 2 hours away from it so the minute we got home we layed down for a bit and cuddled and went to bed.
The next day I wasn’t feeling good at all since it was so cold and we didn’t get much rest the night before so I literally could not keep my eyes open I definitely needed more rest. We went to Ihop to get breakfast but I just wasn’t feeling good so we stopped by the store to pick up some last minute things for thanksgiving and grab some medicine and headed back to the house where I layed in bed until about 5pm. I felt a bit better but I really wanted to go watch Hunger Games with him that night so we did! SUCH A GOOD MOVIE! The new one was such a thriller I loved it. I held onto him like a baby and kissed on him throughout the movie.🙂
Wednesday was more of a chill day for us overall. I just wanted to relax with him and continue to get to know him. Sometimes I’ll lay under him as he has his arm over me and just kiss him like that lol.
We watched The Notebook that night just because it’s a cute movie and very love driven. I honestly haven’t watched the movie for like 4 years since I was last in a relationship because I always thought finding love like that was possible and as I grew older I realized that Hollywood just sells you that shit to believe it’s true but all it is, is a perfect story told so beautifully that you yearn for the same type of love.. Little did I know I found my Noah; Someone that loves me like crazy like Noah loved Allie in the movie. He had never seen the movie so I’m glad we got to watch it together.
We woke up around noon and hung out in the room before going out and helping everyone with cooking.
I tried to make the experience the best I could because it was the first time I spent Thanksgiving with a different family. Joey was my family and Joey was the one who I spent thanksgiving with for the past 2-3 years. Last year was the first one I spent with my mom in YEARS. Spending Thanksgiving with a completely different family was a bit nerve racking to say the least but I’m truly grateful they accepted me with open arms. There was no hostility or being treated like I needed to earn anyone’s acceptance which was super calming because I really do mean well with everything I do.
Nicks and his friend Jens
Cassandra and Danielle
They all had no idea I was snapping photos of them as they were all cooking and talking and such. I just wanted to make everything memorable and show that I cared about spending the holiday with them so it was a form of appreciation for having me.
We played this game called heads up for about an hour that was kind of like charades. It was really fun, I saw a ton of kids at Disneyland playing it while they waited in line for the rides lol.
We headed out around 5:30 to go meet my family at my cousin Claudia’s place in North Hollywood. I wanted Nick to meet them and I wanted them to meet him as well because my family’s approval is very much so needed as well. This was the first Thanksgiving in yearsssss I spent with my aunt and cousins. We talked about everything at the table from family members to what we were all doing with our lives these days and it was great to have everyone interacting with Nick. I get allot of my ways from my family in the sense that we’re all very accepting and loving people. Every conversation we had Nick was included in and not left out or treated like he wasn’t there which was great because I know how that feels.
My cousin Diana
Wil and Claudia my cousin
Me and Nick❤
Me my aunt Vilma, Leiani (leslies daughter) and Nick🙂
Diana, Leslie, Nick, and I
We got back home around midnight which was awesome because I wanted to spend time with Nick the last night I was there so I wanted to watch another one of my all time favorite movies ever… That’s right, Moulin Rouge! My ultimate favorite movie lol. That movie is the definition of everything I invision love to be in my mind. Nick hates musicals but actually ended up really liking the movie.🙂
This year I’m thankful for my friends and family who have kept me afloat when I’ve felt even slightly weak at times. They’ve kept me strong and anytime I need to talk about something my friends and family are always there for me. I’m thankful for having a job and for being able to pursue the things I want to do and for the fact that this year was truly an amazing one with very little drama. Going towards the end of this year is when I met Nick and I’m definitely grateful for him so much. He’s shown me what love really is from the other side. I truly always thought I’d be single forever just because I was so comfortable being single and I always felt like the perfect ending in my mind was just a fantasy. I never truly thought for a second that there really could be someone out there that would love me and be crazy about me until I met Nick. I always felt I never needed anyone because I like my freedom and not having to answer to anyone. But when I met him I realized that I could actually have the happy ended I always envisioned with someone who truly loves me the same way I love them.. So he’s someone I’m definitely thankful for, for showing me a different side of life.
Was the worst day ever! Just because I had to leave that day…
I woke up around 11 and layed with Nick the entire hour until I have to leave around noon.. It truly was sad for me because the past 4 days I spent with him were such a bonding experience.
It was a moment of reflecting on everything we had done on my stay there this time. We talked about everything on the car drive to the house when we went out, we talked about the future and things we wanted to do and places we wanted to visit. Talked about how much fun Disney Land was and how much of a sweet heart he is for taking me and showing me the best time ever..
On the drive home I started to cry allot and I couldn’t understand why? I mean, I was legit sobbing and I was racking my brain trying to figure out why. I knew it was because I missed him already and hated the fact I had to leave more than anything but I knew I’d be seeing him again and that everything would be ok. It was just one of those moments of clarity again. I realized I was crying because I’ve never had someone love me the way he does and show me so much care and affection like he does… I realized that moment that I truly do love him. I really do..
No matter what I get upset about or angry over he understands my frustration and instead of turning it into something combative he calmly expresses his concern about my feelings and that is someone worth keeping for sure. It helps bring me back down to the ground and relax and I love him for that beyond what words can express.. Somehow someway he has managed to figure out why I get frustrated about certain things and is able to managed the wild fires I can start.
I know I talk about him allot and lately have posted more pictures of he and I and I hope it doesn’t make anyone who is single feel bad or feel like I’m rubbing it in everyone’s face. I just really don’t see him enough so when I do I take full advantage of showing everyone how amazing he is and how happy I am to be with him and share all types of beautiful experiences with him.
But that concludes the 5 day venture of being in California from Novemeber 23rd-27th.
I want to thank my friends for being so supportive of this new venture I’m on because it sounds like I have allot of friend approval and that is really important to me… So thank you friends for all those kind text messages and phone calls I get telling me how cute he and I look together and how happy some of you are for me. It really means allot🙂
So this week I took a little mini trip with my friend Meagan to California. She wanted to go see her friends and I wanted to go see the guy I’ve been talking to for the past 2 months.
Meagan and I had planned the trip out about 3 weeks ago and I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea at first because we were only going for the day and then coming home the next night but let me tell you…. It was well worth it!
The night before I was talking with Nick telling him how much I loved him and how great Monday was going to be for both of us. He said he had an idea I might be coming out because of how I was hinting everything but wasn’t sure. So on the drive there we were telling each other how much we missed each other and that’s exactly what I wanted to make the surprise that much more better.
So, Meagan wanted me to drop her off with her friend in the valley so that I can have my time with the boy and she can go do her thing with her friends which worked. So I drove to Bakersfield after dropping her off. All I could think about was how excited I was to see him. The closer I reached the town the more I could feel my heart getting ready to just jump out of my chest. When I parked I had so much adrenaline and anxiety because I missed him so much. I hadn’t seen him since he was last in Vegas (36) days and it was killing me so the feeling of being there at that moment just getting ready to see him was the craziest feeling ever. I had to record the moment so here’s the video I made.
It was shitty because there were so many people in the restaurant that I didn’t wanna look like a crazy person walking around with my video on recording lol. But you can tell in the tone of his voice how happy he was to see me. He hugged me so tight and it was the best feeling ever because it was a reminder of just how much he cares about me and his excitement to see me. I realized why I drove out there, because seeing him happy is just worth it. I don’t care about distance because if there’s a will then there’s a way.
I’ve truly never experienced something like this ever. I’ve never loved someone the way I love him and the way he loves me back. Everything is mutual and everything is still going so strong. Although… for the past week or 2 I’ve had my doubts because I’m not sure if I’m ready to see someone since I’m not exactly where I want to be in life and a bunch of other fears I have so we talked a couple of nights ago because I went out there and he explained to me how he feels about me and that I have nothing to worry about and just overall made me feel safe…. That’s all I’ve ever wanted, someone to make me feel loved, cared for and safe. Someone to take away my fears and pain from my past relationships and to show me the good that’s out there. I haven’t found that in the past 4 years until now.. That’s what really pushed me and fueled me to drive out there just to see his face and tell him I love him and spend time with him. I didn’t have much in my wallet and I didn’t have much to splurge but I don’t care because the experience and the feeling is the only thing I care for.
That night I booked us a room in Bakersfield where we could stay. Since the trip was pretty spontaneous and I did show up uncalled for I wasn’t trying to impose myself in anyone’s home so I just booked a room down the street where we could stay in and just hang out for the night. I stayed in a hotel called Hotel Rosedale and it honestly wasn’t that bad but then again I don’t care for stuff like that. As long as the bed doesn’t have bed bugs I’m fine lol. You can tell it was an older building but wasn’t bad. We spent the night talking and watching Family Guy on the television and just cuddling and such. I’m not big on cuddling never have been but with him I love it because his arms are big and he can hold me like a baby lol.
The next day I woke up when he left for school at 6:45am and just layed there since I couldn’t sleep after that so I got up to eat breakfast at like 8:30 because the hotel had free breakfast until 10am so I went to go eat and went back to the room and passed out again until 12. He texted me and told me what time check out was and my stupid ass thought it was the following day! So I packed everything quick and got out of there! I went to his place to pick him up so we could visit his mom in the hospital since she had knee surgery. From there we headed down to LA to pick up Meagans bitch ass so we could go eat and head to the beach!
We ate tacos and listened to Meagan tell us all about her wildest sex fantasies and all the hot stuff she wants to try. She’s the best when it comes to story telling lol.
I’ve NEVER walked the beach with someone at night. I’ve always felt it’s a romantic thing to do as a couple and I’ve been single for well 4 YEARS so I wanted to change that. Although he and I don’t exactly have a title yet I know he’s the one I want so I wanted to share that moment with him and let me just say, it was the best part of the trip. We talked and held hands and walked the beach and the pier. Getting to know one another more and talk about what we want to do in the future and all that good stuff.
It’s moments like these that give me meaning to life. That help fuel me more with love and care. It’s moment like these worth living for. Tomorrow if I died, I want to know that whether I was broke or wealthy, that work didn’t control me and that I always followed my heart wherever it took me. I know it’s only been 2 months but when I’m with Nick it feels as if he’s someone I once knew and just fell out of touch with. As if talking with him was meant to be. He makes me feel the emotions I’ve never truly felt for someone before, he brings them out without doing anything just being himself. I’ll forever be grateful for the feeling because it’s one you find and completely feel once in a life time.
“He slipped into bed on a cold and windy night when everyone was asleep. He layed still with his eyes closed trying to listen to what his heart was saying to him. Something about this night and the feeling he had in his heart was stranger to every other night. His heart had began again to grow fonder for another other than the familiar. He felt as if the thorns that once surrounded it from hurt had been ripped.. His head and heart were working together accordingly to let him know what he was feeling. Shortly after, his mind began to paint pictures of his emotions.
He kept his eyes closed and relaxed seeing his mind paint pictures with beautiful bright colored sceneries of the world. His heart was feeling so it fueled thoughts of affection and adoration. His heart began to make a space big enough to fill for the one it was choosing.
As his thoughts delve deeper, so did his feelings.. Who knows who truly put us here on this planet, who knows if there’s other life forms, who knows if there’s anything beyond the stars and planets. What he did know is that at that present moment where he stood in life and who had presented themselves to him was who his heart chose.
That feeling of uncertainty and fear faded into black and slowly but surely, love had eventually made its way back into light and the space in his heart that was made and been left empty for some time, had finally been big enough for the one it had chose..
The feeling of love had ultimately triumphed as it was bound to.“
For starters I started to go back to school for math to brush up on my skills and hopefully go back next year for hair. You mainly need chemistry for hair but if math ever comes up I need to know how to look at a problem and be able to solve it accordingly so I wanted to make sure I was going to understand it now as an adult. It was something I truly never understood in school and I was definitely not self disciplined in school to pay attention and treat school like work so I always failed the class so this time around I decided to go back to re-learn some things in case I ever need to know it in the future.
So far it’s been going awesome and I’ve been working really really hard to learn more and more. It’s super difficult at times but I’m slowly getting the hang of it
Another big event that has happened is I met someone… I met someone that I’m so happy with it’s unreal. Everything is still in the getting to know each other phase but it feels like it’s turning into something more quickly. Not exactly committed yet but it feels good to know that I have someone to talk to late at night that actually cares about me and gives me time out of their day to talk and tell me how much they care about me as much as I care for them. There’s always plenty of time to get together and fall in love so I try and just take things day at a time and see where they lead.
I firmly believe in getting to know someone as much as you can before committing to them because there’s plenty you need to learn about the person you’re involving yourself with and you definitely don’t want to look like a fool if they’re not as great as you thought they’d be. I’ve been single 4 years and want to make sure the next person I get into a relationship with is going to treat me a million times better than the past assholes.
Not to mention since I have been single for so long, I really don’t want to fuck things up by doing something stupid or saying the wrong thing. Its been 4 years of the single life and doing and saying whatever I want without a care of what someone might say because I don’t have anyone to answer to. So I’m re-introducing myself to a relationship to make sure when I do decide to get into one then I’ll have the tools I need to try really make things work. I might be overthinking things and making a much bigger deal about it then what it should be but I just know myself well enough to know what I might end up doing or saying that might not be right so I’m teaching myself the ways around everything and how to really make someone happy.
Either way, here he is🙂
His names Nick and I want everyone to meet him because he’s definitely a special one. One of the best people I’ve ever met and I hope to go further with. He definitely seems worth it and that is not easy for me to say.❤
Another big thing that happened is I moved back in with my mom for the time being. The person I was living with things just didn’t work out with. I normally care for people allot and can take allot of shit but there’s just things you don’t say to people because you learn as a HUMAN growing up to show respect to people.
The way I was spoken to that day I will never forget and I will never speak to him again because no matter how mad you are at someone there’s lines you do not cross and if they continue to cross them it’s because they could give a fuck and care more about their own feelings. So I was done. I called my mom that day and asked her if I could come back for awhile because I couldn’t be in the house another second. She of course didn’t mind, if it were for her I would live at home forever and never leave but living on your own teaches you allot and that’s what I liked.
I blocked all forms of communication on the way to my moms and that was the end of that. NEVER again putting myself in a situation as bad as that.
It’s definitely great to be home and to be back with my momma meow meow! and ephemera. School is out in 2 weeks and I’m hoping I pass the test because it’ll determine if I need more classes or if I’m good. So we’ll see!
For now. I couldn’t be any happier and I have a great feeling about this winter coming up.
So it’s suicide prevention week and I wante to take this moment to really talk about it and how its affected me so instead of writing a blog I decided to make a video talking about how I feel about the subject and how I feel about love and how to overcome losing someone.
In the video I start talking about love and what makes me who I am because I want people to understand that losing a loved one doesn’t mean there isn’t love everywhere. It’s in wherever you find it whether it be with family, a group of friends, or even being up in the mountains loving and appreciating life and nature for what it is. That’s what I consider love and happiness.
So tonight my roommate and I Jorge watched this movie called “If I Stay” and I must say to start this off, yes it was super fucking sad lol.
The movie is about this girl who has a passion for playing Cello and she and her parents get into a car accident and the people who love her like her friends and family all come to talk to her in the hospital to help her heal and so on.
It was really touching because it really makes you think about the people you care about and what if that happened to you. Like most movies they get into your head and make you think about situations like this. I like to think of them as “what would you do situations” because they’re deep thoughts.
After the movie was over Jorge and I got to talking about things that have happened to us in the past. He opened up again about his past and the things he went through as a kid and I told him the things I went through as well.
He asked me if I’ve ever been in love and I told him yes and then he asked me again and it made me think. I feel like I have with the first REAL boyfriend I ever had but there was more bad than good in that relationship so it’s really hard to say. I want to say yes but I want to say no. With how much I’m going back n fourth thinking about it I’d say no..
I have a different form of love now that I’m older. The more I think about love, the more I think about all the places I want to visit and all the beautiful places in the world that some people don’t ever get to see whether because it’s money or just busy with work. The main question many of my friends ask me is “Are you ever afraid of not meeting the right person” my response is fuck no. I have a loving family and loving friends and I’ve said it before. That’s all the love I really need in my life because it’s more then anyone could ask for.
My form of love is by finding all the beautiful places in the world and falling in love with them; to fall in love with nature. If I find the perfect person to share these beautiful experiences with and be together forever with then I’d truly be blessed and I would want to share that with them. I just feel like me personally, I have to be strong independently and by being strong I mean I have to treat myself to all the beautiful things in life first so that if I ever meet the wrong person then I can say I visited all these great places first. I don’t want to share beautiful things with someone that will tarnish the experience for me forever.. I think that’s what I’m afraid of the most; someone fucking my beautiful experiences up.
I view my love life as a precious forest or jungle.
There’s those forests with huge beautiful trees that aren’t touched. There’s all types of wild animals and waterfalls but all it takes is one person to cut a tree down to bring in reinforcements and take apart its beauty because they want to use it for personal reasons or just destroy it. I don’t want that in my life so I’m extremely selective with who I allow in my life. I’m welcoming to all but very few get to really know me. I like to show my friends the beauty life has to offer and the laughs it provides when things get tough. That’s why I feel allot of people come to me when they’re going through a breakup or are just feeling down because I’m never really sad at all. I get lonely but I’m not lonely. I just wish some people would understand where I’m coming from with some things but it seems it’s really difficult for some people to move on or appreciate life for what it is without being in a relationship type of thing.
Love to me isn’t necessarily a touch or a kiss but a brush of wind against me or that deep feeling of appreciation for life itself you get when you see beautiful mountain’s formed in such a unique way.
If I were the only person left on earth with no one else in it and never got to experience love then the only thing I’d be left with is nature and nature alone. I tend to always put my mind in isolated situations like this so that I can fully grasp what I want to make out of my life and which direction I want to go when something like love occurs.
So August 15th I went to see the Kabuki show at The Bellagio in Vegas.
Every half an hour the Bellagio does a fountain show in front of the casino but this time they built a stage in the center of the water and put a show on!
Kabuki is a very old art form of theater and if you’re interested you can read what a Kabuki show is and means on the Wikipedia site Here because I could go on forever explaining it.
You can read what it took and how it was brought to Vegas Here by Las Vegas Sun
I was able to go after work since they had 2 show times
9:15pm and 11:30pm
I made it to the 11:30 showing and managed to get 2nd row viewing so I was pretty close but it was still a little difficult zooming in enough to make sure no one was in my focus. I was standing for a good hour so my feet hurt SO BAD the next day. Not to mention there was another photographer standing next to me taking a ton of photos as well so it was kind of hard to get the right picture with people in the way. The photos still came out amazing though! At least I felt they looked amazing lol.
It was so insane how packed the show was for being outside! Everyone was wrapped around the entire wall where the show was going on even from behind! It was so cool though to see how many people it brought out. When I would drive to work and pass by I remember seeing them build something in the water and at first I got really excited because I thought The Bellagio was going to permanently put a show on in the water but it was just for the weekend.
It was something spectacular I’ve never seen before honestly. I’ve seen plenty of Cirque shows and not one has ever disappointed me and although this wasn’t a Cirque Du Soleil show it still had the same vibe as one would. The colors in the water were so vivid and is what truly got me to enjoy the show. It made it way more interesting because of how they added the graphics to the flow of the water. The water show was going on behind the act and truly gave it such a larger than life feel. Something so surreal. I hope that this comes back to Vegas again because it was something I am truly thankful for being able to experience hope many locals were able to make it out to see.
So my roommate was out of town for 2 weeks and I was super bored since I was the only one in the house. It was different to have the house all to myself again. I don’t mind being alone, I enjoy the quite because it helps me talk to myself and become aligned with myself and make sure my mental stability is still firm.
SO to begin all of this, my little Alexis graduated from Kindergarten to the first grade! So so proud of her. This little girl is seriously so smart and so lively. She is way active for her age and pays attention to everything around her. Her energy is amazing and she is definitely a powerhouse. I love her with all my being. All those nights I would go to my moms house to help her do her homework really payed off. She’s my little star and I want to make sure she’s destined for the spotlight because she definitely shines from the outside and in my heart.
Things have just been going really well these past couple of weeks. As some of you know I went to California for a quick trip before my roommate left out of town to go visit friends and family for 3 days and went to the beach since I’ve been wanting to go for like, months. I definitely needed to get out of town and just go enjoy myself so I did. I visited some of my favorite restaurants and some of the clubs out there, almost got into a fight and definitely drank allot lol.
I brought over my niece and nephew to go swimming last Tuesday since they don’t get out much and it was great to see them!
I took them swimming then made them dinner and when my mom came to pick them up we went to the club house to watch a movie in the mini theater room we have at my complex. They were sooooo happy and so excited to be over. When I was cooking Alexis came to the kitchen and says “uncle Brian I want the table to look really really nice” so I said ok and set the table very nicely for us to eat. They HATED the olive oil and vinaigrette bread dip though. Their faces were hilarious when they took the first bite. They both chugged their juice like they had ate a jalapeno and it was hysterical to watch to say the least lol.
Something else big that happened was the fact I shot for Q Vegas a gay magazine here in Vegas. I did the photos for a DJ out here by the name of DJ Lisa Pittman who I worked with years ago when I was still doing the So Crush events. Shooting for cover was major for me because I’ve never shot for a magazine and I didn’t know what to expect or anything but I feel I did a great job. I’m just really happy that my photography is going in a really really good direction. I couldn’t have hoped for anything better. I know now that this is definitely the direction I need to take with my life. With how quickly things are moving I can very well be somewhere big with it in 3 years. By the time I’m 27 I want to already be doing something huge with it. Like I’ve stated before, I want to work with something like National Geographic or something else along those lines where I can travel and go places to take photos all sorts of different animals and locations. I like the outdoors and I like hiking and exploring so I feel it would be a perfect fit.
Lately I’ve felt a little out of touch with some things. I feel fine most days but there’s certain days I question why I’ve been single for so long or why I confuse myself or feel unsure about other and so on.
The whole thing about Joey gets to me on some rainy days. When I have certain talks about him or I’m feeling out of place I feel it becomes more apparent where my emotions stand.
I just notice everyone has a certain group they hang out with and I don’t really have that and I’ve said it before but it just becomes more apparent when I get lonely. I only really hung out with Joey and either hung out with my friends or I’d hang with him and his friends when we would go out. So I just kind of feel a bit out of place.
I feel like I’m a very intuitive person and sometimes life will push me to talk to certain people for whatever reason. It’s hard to explain. Like, it feels almost like someone from the other side is pushing me to talk to someone I might know or be close to or really care about. So I feel like people from the other side push me to talk to the ones they care for for whatever reason. Like when Joey passed away I promised I wouldn’t abandon his sisters and till this day there’s times I’ll text Tawnee out of the blue and let her know I love her or see what she’s doing so we can talk and all that.
I recently went to lunch with my chiropractor Teddy who lost his husband Dean about 2 years ago.. Teddy and I were supposed to go to lunch when my roommate Jorge went out of town about 2 months ago but things fell through because of our schedules so we didn’t go. His 2 years of losing his husband just passed and I just kept getting a strong pull from him like I could tell he was bothered by the thought of it so I wanted to just talk to him to see how he’s coping with everything. As a friend I wanted to see how he was doing because I felt like lately he has definitely needed the “Dean talk” to see how Teddy is dealing with it all at this moment.
I know Teddy has a hard time dealing with his loss like any human being would. I don’t want to say much out of respect because it’s not my story to tell and I hope one day he’ll open up and hopefully blog about his story so that people could really learn from him and see how everything affected him and how he’s coping.
I just told him my method of coping with my losses from last year and what I feel he should do. I never wanted him to think that what I’m saying is what he should do I just wanted to speak to him directly and strictly from my heart because I love Teddy and want him to know I care for him first and foremost. I truly felt like Dean was trying to tell him something through me and the people that love Teddy and for some reason I just felt my intuition leading me again. Even when I was talking to him I didn’t feel like I got everything out that I should of said, I still feel like I missed something I should of said, whatever that may be. Maybe it’s saved for another day? I think there’s allot that his husband wish he could say to Teddy but obviously can’t and it’s heartbreaking because I could relate to that feeling…
The more I talked to him about Joey and what helped me get through it a bit; the more I realized that I’ve said allot of how I feel already in many letters I’ve wrote here on my blog.. I’ve poured out so much emotion that for now I think I’m ok.. I know what it’s like to lose very important people and learning how to cope with it all is very important not just to my mental and physical health so I don’t become depressed but for everyone. After a certain amount of time I had to disconnect my head from my heart to make sure I just stayed mental and not emotional. Of course I get my sad days where both heart and mind coincide to help me mourn a little but overall I’ve managed to gain control of my emotions again so I can remain uplifted and strong…
Losing someone isn’t like a relationship that didn’t work and you moved on or something you got bored of and disposed and moved on. Losing someone you truly love whether it be friend or lover that your heart cares for is the ultimate heartbreak.. There is no getting over and being strong.. There’s only learning to dissect the problem in every way possible.. To completely dig within yourself and break down every wall and gather every emotion you felt for that person and everything you did and put it out in the open so that you can grow and move forward without feeling staggered or sad because you think about it too much…
It’s like hitting a punching bag.
Have you ever watched those movies where people get so frustrated and don’t know how to handle it so they start punching at a punching bag like crazy and start crying? It’s like that. You just punch away at emotions so that when you’ve completely exhausted yourself with them you can just say “ok I’m ready to mend a little more now.”
No one said it’d be easy, just worth it.
The moral of it all is that love never dies and you never truly get over someone you cared for passing away you just have to learn to deal with it in a healthy manner and if you don’t know how, I recommend you ask someone you trust with your business to really help you through it.
At the end of the day, life is amazing, life is so much fun and can be such an incredible experience with the right people in your life and how much of an adventurous individual you are alone. Be your own best friend
and again this is all my opinion and I may be wrong but this is all what I stand by and this is all that has helped me process everything correctly in my own head.
Life has been treating me well lately. There have been allot of challenges for me recently but I’m getting through it and I’m still happy🙂.
Quote of the Day
“Life is like driving: If you drive reckless you’ll get into an accident. If you drive too slow it’ll take too long to get where you’re going, if you drive at speed limit you’re sure to get where you’re going and if you drive fast you’ll get there quicker then most. But sometimes accidents you didn’t cause will happen to you and this is where people ask WHY. Why did this happen to me why this why that when in reality all you have to do is look at the situation and see what it is you need to take from it so you can grow and understand the way life works. That’s life”
So this month has been another event filled one with just a bunch of things happening.
If you guys read my previous post I wrote a letter to Joey for his one year of passing away and how I went with some friends to Mountain Zion to get away.
Zion has always been one of my favorite places to go to that’s close by for the simple fact that It’s so huge and there’s so fucking much to see there. It’s worth the drive and worth the experience.
I explored a new trail and will be going with some friends again in a couple of weeks to explore the further trail of the narrows that I’ve been wanting to hike. Its taken me so long to post the photos because editing photos is seriously a pain in the ass and I have to go in one by one to see which ones I like and don’t like to post.
But as I’ve stated previously; Zion was amazing and is definitely a place I recommend for everyone to visit ESPECIALLY if you have kids. It’s one of the top national parks you can visit in the US and is located in Utah. It’s also located near Bryce Canyon which is a very well known national park and highly recommended amongst many.
A couple of weeks after that my friend Amy from Vancouver came to town so we went to have drinks when I got off work and met a group of people at Vesper bar. This guy came up to us and asked if he could take the ash tray but Amy was smoking so we said no so he just put his cigarette out and apologized for interrupting our chat but he started talking to us more and introduced himself. His name was Stephen and he was super super nice and wanted to continue hanging out with us so he said he would go grab his wife and come back. I had a feeling he was telling the truth for some reason and so he was because he came back and brought first a friend of his that he met at Caesars Palace and then he brought over his wife. These people were so cool. Celena works at Caesars Palace and one of the girls works at Rose. Rabbit. Lie at the same casino I work at (Cosmo) and Stephen and his wife Beth lived in Arizona. It was a very fun group we were with because everyone was very energetic and fun loving. The energy definitely stayed at a constant and we were there until 2:30am! lol
I was going hiking the day after at 9am with the people I used to kick box with so I didn’t exactly regret going out the night before because I had so much fun but MAN DID I PAY FOR IT DEARLY..
I had a couple one to many drinks and only had 2 hours of sleep. I didn’t cancel on my friends because I knew I’d have allot of fun and I definitely needed a day away from town to get away and get lost. I got to learn so much about my friend Rachael who was my tough mudder and training buddy in kick boxing. We exchanged family stories and similarities and it was the quickest I’ve connected with someone in awhile on such a personal level. The conversation just flowed exactly the way it was supposed to. Everyone had a friend to hike with so even though we were all in a big group, on the way back down Rachael and I kind of walked ahead to talk about some really personal family situations we’re both in and it was great. You could actually hear the wind up there and it created a sound barrier to make conversation more intimate. It helped me understand why some people even go hiking in general. You lose yourself in the mountains, you forget about stress and problems and lose yourself in the way that nature has to offer. For me it was the wind that day. It was really cold up there but actually listening to the wind blow through the trees created a sound that only in the mountains you can hear. In a city the wind sounds harsh more like a blow horn because of buildings and structures. In the mountains the wind sounded pretty, sort of like when you grab a stick and wack it through the air really quick and you hear the quickness of it. It sounded like that but slowed down. It was peaceful to me. It was good to see everyone again and exchange funny stories and jokes.
So that concludes those 24 hours!
My roommate has been out of town for a couple of days now and doesn’t come back until next weekend and it’s kinda quite around here.
As many of my friends know I moved out beginning of March because of family issues. My mother and I are very very close but my sister and I can’t exactly live together we’ll say… It’s always been an on going struggle with her trying to help her so once again I’m stepping aside and letting my mom deal with it however she needs to..
One thing I will say about siblings having problems is… It’s hard.. It’s hard having family go through tough fucked up shit because all you want to do is help but it seems like the more you help the worse the problem gets. It’s even harder when it comes to a point where someone doesn’t exactly want to be helped until they actually reach out and get it professionally.
I don’t think people exactly realize that life changes, things change every single day. Dating has gotten harder, stereotypes have changed, music styles, just about everything. From my perspective observing all of this is; when you don’t adjust to these new ways you get stuck asking “why?” why are things getting harder? or you’re left feeling unwanted and unloved or feeling out of place. Well there comes a point you have to stop asking and just accept and be worried about yourself. You don’t have to conform to a new world or anything you don’t approve of but you should be aware of what is happening in order to live life more concerned for yourself and not about the world. For example; online dating and apps have made people become disposable and has turned many into narcissists.
Regardless of how the world shapes and becomes I feel like we’re all memories. When we die the memories we made and the places we visited are what will make our legend worth listening to. The things you went through, who you helped, who you were there for. Money doesn’t mean shit to me. Money comes and goes and the one thing you want to do is leave an impression on people that’s why I’m always so so loving towards all my friends because if anything ever happened to me I would want them to all know I loved them dearly and not have anyone question that. Love doesn’t cost anything and it’s what I give most of. That’s just who I am. I prefer to not be in a relationship but to be wild and free and constantly meet new people.
Only reason I’m talking on such a personal level is because lately I’ve just been running into so many people with problems about life and relationships and it sounds like the same reoccurring problem and they don’t realize that it’s just the way people are now days.
But that concludes my whole venture this month with hiking and hanging out with friends! Next month I plan on going to California but we’ll see!
Quote of the Day
“Just because the world continues to change doesn’t mean you have to. You don’t have to become what it becomes because you’ll become like everyone else. Just learn to live more comfortably and remain the same. Your individuality is much more appreciated.
I’m not quite sure to go about writing this letter because I wish I could sit you in front of me and tell you how I really feel and express it but this is the best I could do these days.
To say the least..
I miss you
I guess now would be the time to tell you what all has happened and how I’ve felt since you’ve been gone for a whole year.
After you passed I went a little crazy within my own head.. Although you and I weren’t exactly as close leading up to your death you were still my best friend and I still loved you very much.
I’m still sorry if I couldn’t be there for you more and I’m sorry it took me awhile to get close to you again after what all happened.. I just wasn’t sure how to get close so I remained distant..
After you passed away I did allot of things to test my endurance. I ran more and wanted to see how mentally and physically strong I am so I continued taking my kick boxing and did a Tough Mudder event where I ran 12 miles and did 25+ obstacle courses. I wrote allot and got out into nature and went hiking more. I took more photos to help me express how I feel about life. I wanted to find things to stay busy and out of trouble but that wasn’t the case..
Although I did so much to get my mind off things all of this still affected me in the hardest way. Although I still had fun and my friends were all there for me I just couldn’t feel.. I felt very numb and that’s never happened.. I tried burying myself in people to feel loved and cared for and in the end it completely back fired on me… I felt uncared for and felt very lonely so I started making mistakes and bad decisions… My anxiety went wild and I got fucked over in the worst way imaginable by someone. I won’t talk about it but it helped bring me back to reality and realize that no matter how much things suck and how much it hurts I have to keep going.. I’ve learned allot of self respect these days and stay busy as much as possible. I don’t go out much unless it’s someone’s birthday really.
I’m living with Jorge now whom we spent thanksgiving with 2 years ago. He’s a good friend, I could see why you guys were friends. Sometimes late at night around 1-2am I’ll go to the club house and watch a movie in the theater room since I know no one will be in there. The movie theater room is my favorite. Jorge has been helping me through a tough patch in life since I left home.
I still feel a little lonely and I still feel without much of a place in life but I’m trying, and I’m trying to build something solid for myself so I can have my own space to call home and be successful like I want to be. It’s just taking time and I’m having to jump high hurdles. I know things would be allot easier with you around because you and I could relate on so much and the way you spoke about things helped me give a shit less about little things and just live life. I miss how alive you were and how much you just liked to have fun.
I talk to Tawnee allot and I try to be there for her as much as possible because I know she misses you like you can’t imagine.
I wish you were here still..
I’ll never forget you and I’ll always do whatever I can to make sure you stay alive and people know who you were and what you stood for.. I light candles and pray for you as often as I can. You’re still my best friend and there’s so many times I go out and so many things still remind me of you and if I think too much on it it’ll make me really sad and I’ll have to go home because I’ll get really upset. My heart still hurts from all this and I’m learning to cope but things aren’t getting easier right now..
I did a suicide prevention walk just so I could do something for you just to show you I love you and care about you still and that I’m not forgetting you.
Yesterday me and my friends Cara and Scott went up to Zion. I’m in this really ugly ass rental and since I have to work today I figured I should really just get out of the house and go somewhere far to let my mind settle a little.
So I was driving Tuesday from the rental car place when it just struck me that I’m in a rental and should go to Zion with it and fuck the miles up a bit so I did. We got a really late start to hike because it’s always so packed there ESPECIALLY WITH CHILDREN. So we managed to find parking 30 min after we had already gotten there so we didn’t start hiking until about 2:30pm but it was ok because the sun was still out and the day was still nice.
I felt like we all took more selfies and photos of the trail more then we actually hiked lol.
We hiked this trail which is called the narrows and I’ve always wanted to do it because it’s a water trail and when you reach the end of the mile you can float down the river, it’s so cool. Once the mile is over there’s another trail you can pick up from the narrows that can take you further and that’s like 6-8 hours of water hiking but I’ve seen the photos online of it and it’s beautiful. Maybe next time we go if it’s really early we can do that one.
It was a trail I really wanted to hike because it is a water one after all and it was fun just really cold! I was hopping around the water trying not to fall. We had lunch on this big rock that was surrounded by these stacks of rocks people had put there.
I completely forgot about everything yesterday. I forgot about my problems I forgot about work I forgot about stress. You were the only thing I could think about because today is your 1 year of passing and it’s really personal for me.. It’s hard to really let you go and to not cry for you because I have so many of my moments but I know you’re around sometimes. I could feel you watching me sometimes. I know there’s things you do to direct me in certain directions because only you know me well enough to lead me in certain ways.
Today was just a big day for me as well because it’s not only the day you passed away but it’s the day I chose to want to live.
So to end this miss you letter I just want you to know Joey that you were my everything, you meant the world to me and you still do..
I’m really sad and I’ve been crying all day but I’ll be ok, I know I will.
Everything takes time to deal with so I know things are taking a little more time with me but I’ll get through it.
I love you, I miss you and I’ll never forget you. Today starts a whole new chapter in my life and I want to make sure I move in the right direction. I hope you’re well and I hope God is leading you more towards light and forgiving you.
I’ll see you soon..
“Don’t make me sad, don’t make me cry
Sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough, I don’t know why
Keep making me laugh
Let’s go get high
The road is long, we carry on
Try to have fun in the meantime.”
So yesterday was the AFSP (American Foundation for Suicide Prevention) walk at the park over by my moms house in Centennial.
Not sure if many of my friends know I walked it but I did! I promoted really last minute because I found out late about the walk. I managed to set up a page in time and donate the EXACT amount I needed to get my shirt for the walk! ($150)
Let me just say it was truly a moving experience…
I woke up at 8am, got dressed quickly and just headed there since registration started at 9am and I wanted to take photos. I was supposed to meet my brother but he got sick and then my friend couldn’t make it anymore because she didn’t have a ride so I ended up doing the walk alone but I didn’t mind. It allowed me to just be more in tune with myself and with my thoughts. There were people there that had some really sad sad stories and there were SO MANY DOGS I could barely handle it.
This girl who’s name was Ashley had lost her father to suicide when she was 18 and a couple years later her fathers brother committed suicide too.. She gave a speech about how it affected her and how she coped with it and is dealing with. She was so strong about the situation and in a sense I could relate to the kind of days she has. She said that she doesn’t cry for him every day but she has what she called “I miss you days” where she’ll miss him more than other days. It was extremely hard trying to keep it together because suicide I realized has really affected me and I take it so serious now after yesterday.
As some of you may know my best best friend passed away last year to suicide and ever since its hurt me.. It hurts me because of all the why’s I ask now. Why did he do it, why didn’t he stop to think, why didn’t he just call me? We were so close and he was practically like a brother so I wish he would of just vented to me more. Losing him was like losing a part of myself and knowing that I’ll never get it back hurts even more..
When I lost him; for the first time in my life I felt my mind and heart work together for once…
I’ve always been disconnected to emotions by nature because I use my head to make decisions before I use my heart. I’m a very rational thinker and when I hurt I hurt bad so I protect my heart as much as possible. When I lost him for the first time I could just FEEL my mind and heart work together.. My mind was telling me it’s ok we’re going to get through this and my heart was telling me it’s ok to hurt this time Brian so let it out.. The communication between both collided in a way I’ve never felt before. Why? Because I truly loved him to pieces he was the one person I related to with on so many levels. Any time I think about him too much I start crying and if I drink it becomes worse. It still feels fresh.. I’m not gonna say I cry for him all the time but I will say that I miss him and have days like Ashley, Miss you days. I just hope he was there with me at the walk because for some reason I just felt him behind me yesterday like he was there.
Seeing everyone walking for their loved ones was very inspiring and touching because even though I was walking alone I didn’t feel alone. I felt united with them in such a sad/uplifting way. The people who run it said it was the biggest turn out Vegas has had so that was good!
After the walk I went to my moms house to check on my brother and on the kids to see how they were doing. The house looked a complete and disgusting mess so I literally cleaned the entire thing.. I went to the store to pick up cleaning supplies and some extra food my mom needed.
I swept I mopped I dusted for her and cleaned the bathrooms that so badly needed cleaning. I had my niece and nephew help me and I got to see my meow meow who I missed so much!
I literally spent 3 hours cleaning that house and completely forgot I had work at 5 and I was there until almost 3:30! Where I live now is a 30 min drive. I was driving so fucking fast I was hoping I wouldn’t get pulled over. I was only driving so fast because I wanted to get fierce for work since it was the first day in weeks I didn’t have to work a double on a Saturday so I managed to get ready in 20 minutes which was a miracle I pulled off. I bolted out the door and went to work.
I had a great day and I knew I was going to make sure it stayed that way and I did. Work was good the day was good and my outfit was TOO GOOD lol.
So the day was overall good and I’m really glad that I did this suicide prevention walk.
If you ever feel alone know you have me to talk to. No one should ever feel alone or without someone to talk to or suicidal. Life is such an amazing experience and life should be appreciated and lived to the fullest. Like I’ve said before, shit happens and bad things are always going to happen because that’s just the inevitable. It’s a matter of how much you notice the good in your life rather than the bad.
I have no idea what is in the air but there’s a ton of energy of all kinds. I’ve been feeling very emotional lately because of the fact Joey’s one year of passing away is April 2nd and the closer the date gets the more sad I become. I’ve been really upset about it all the past few weeks and just really trying to get myself together.
As some of you might know, this past week I moved out of my moms due to family issues. I’m extremely close to my mom and don’t like to be away from her but there’s allot going on at home and my sister moved in whom I do not get along with at all.. I totally understand why my mom is helping her but I just personally can’t handle living with my sister. So I’ve been staying with my friend Jorge in the meantime and just getting my thoughts and life together more. Maybe it was time to leave? Either way its a shitty way to leave because of the fact that I didn’t really want to so I’m really sad about it… I can always visit her. It’s not like I’ll be living out of state I’ll just be 30 min away.
So I moved out Thursday and that same day someone keyed my fucking car to hell…
And that same day I had my event!!!!
There are only 2 places this could have happened and it was at either Buffalo Wild Wings when I went to go eat at 2am or at my friend’s place in the morning but I don’t know… I tried getting video footage somehow but no one could pull up anything… The way I found out was because I went to go pick up more of my stuff at my moms place and my nephew pointed it out when we were loading the car up. I was in tears when I saw what had happened… Not because it’s a keyed car but because I literally have so much stuff to pay for with that car to have the 30,000 mile service done so this repair is setting me back so far… It just sucks… But it can be fixed so I’m taking it tomorrow to see what the auto body shop says and go from there. It’s better than having a car that doesn’t run. People are just fucking assholes. Whoever did that is seriously going to hell. That is some hateful ass fucking shit.
After I saw it I couldn’t get over it but I kept loading my car up with more and more of my shoes and clothes I was taking. I had to fight back all the tears I wanted to cry and be strong because otherwise it would have ruined my night and I still had to go back to Jorge’s to get ready and head to the RAW event I was being a part of.
Luckily I have an amazing circle of friends who showed up and supported me and checked the event out. It was seriously so much fun. I met so many people and I sold some of my photos! I’m going to be donating 30% of the makings to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. Any photos I sell in the future, I will be donating a certain percentage to the Foundation.
Suicide has just personally touched me and I don’t think anyone should ever feel like they want to kill themselves because life is amazing. Life isn’t perfect no matter how much shit goes wrong you just have to keep going because life is going to be perfect and things are always going to happen whether they’re bad or good.
But overall I had a blast at the show! It felt like my birthday lol. I took so many photos and just really had a great time. I completely forgot about the fact my car had gotten keyed and remembered to be strong about the whole situation and just appreciate where I am right now in life and how thankful I am to have just been apart of an event like RAW where I was able to really express myself and express my potential.
More than anything I’m so very grateful for my friends because I would not be as strong as I am without them. My friends help build me with everything I tell them. My friends are very smart and very good people so I trust their words. These past couple of weeks have been really hard and I’ve had to make allot of tough decisions and have just been staying in allot. Overall I’m doing great and I’m happy in life. No matter what people say, do, or try on me I still stand strong and I’m going to continue doing photography and seeing where it goes. So far everything has just been falling together beautifully.