Be Still

Today was overcast in Vegas. 50 degrees and raining.

I rushed to work and it was pouring rain on the freeway. I had a feeling it was going to be ridiculous but I still had to speed to get to work. Liubi had an early day out due to a few cancellations. I was fine through out the day but the darker it got outside, the more my mind started to race. I think that rainy days are going to be those hard days.

I once again  thought about what he and I would be doing today. I know that since I got off work early, I would of gone gone home, taken a nap, and woke up to spend time with him. We would either watch a movie on the couch and cuddle and just spend time together or we would of gone to the movies and watched a movie we have been wanting to watch. It’s hard sometimes to block out these images and thoughts especially when it’s so unintentional but when they come in I can’t help but let my guards down. I start to get tired and depressed I guess you could say. I start to lose focus working and the drive home turns into a water show and that day happened to be today.

I’ve been going out a ton lately, doing stupid shit or just hanging out with friends. I’ll have these moments where I get really sad because of something I heard that reminded me of him or just something will trigger and I’ll push the emotions down more and more because maybe I’m having a really good time and just not trying to go there or I’m listening to heavy music because I don’t want to listen to calm music and be sad. I’ve tried to keep myself distracted but there’s really no running away from emotions at the end of the day. It’s going to that master bedroom where the way you really feel, lives.

The past week I’ve been fine up until today. I realized that by going out and having fun, it did keep me happy but it’s all ephemeral.. I don’t think I’m giving myself enough time to sit and grieve but I don’t really have that time either. I know this is something that will never go away but I don’t exactly feel it getting easier either. It’s good to get out of the house and have fun because I know that’s what he wants for me but I just have no self control sometimes and stay out way late or get too drunk. It’s been happening more lately because I have been having fun and giving myself that but I feel like it’s just covering up how I really feel and making days like today a little bit more harder than others..

The one metaphor that really resonates is “be still my heart” usually this term is used when something is exciting or so good you can’t sit still but in my case I find it the complete opposite and to me the term resonates when I’m so still and so grounded and understand how I’m feeling but won’t let myself cry. I feel still and quite until it all comes out in an overwhelming kind of way.

Since we got off work early I came home and just fell asleep for awhile to deal with my feelings.


 

Because of everything happening I’ve decided to plan a vacation for February.

I’ll explain where to in a different post closer to when I book my flight and explain why this destination is what I’m choosing and how I got the idea. I think that my mental health needs it. I’ll be traveling alone and just completely decompressing. If I don’t take this trip I’m almost afraid of what can happen to me mentally because I just don’t feel mentally ok. I feel very unhinged, very unpredictable and sometimes angry for no reason. It’s not like me to be moody so often and I know it’s because of everything going on but it’s just not ok.

I can see where being so busy can actually be detrimental to mental health. You NEED time to heal and that’s what I’m searching for, that time to give to myself. Right now being busy works because of the holidays and because I could use the money but after the holidays, for sure a trip is going to happen. I know I’m always going to miss him, I understand that and I still love him more than anything but I need to find solace in this.

I’m not trying to rush the process because there’s nothing to rush since I’ll always miss him but I just need to understand the situation more and forgive myself. I still can’t seem to forgive myself because it’s the hardest part. I still beat myself up when I know I shouldn’t but I just can’t help it… I think to some degree I do blame myself still.. These feelings are normal and I know they are and I’m trying to be kind to myself but I realize that all those times of just wanting some sort of pain to hurt me enough to be ok, (fighting pain with pain) is because I do feel like I should hurt myself for maybe some things I said or did. Physically I could never but mentally I do beat myself up. I’m still trying to be ok but I just really miss him every day.

I can’t wait to post about my vacation for next year and what I’m going to do on this trip and how I’ll be sharing the experience with everyone. I think this will really help me 100% and I will be sharing it in hopes that others can know they’re not alone in this like me.

So, since Nick isn’t here, I’ll be going to the movies alone tonight. I really want to see Boy Erased so I’ll be going to Red Rock tonight and watching that.

If you’ve read each post and you’ve gotten this far, thank you. Your support means a lot.

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