It’s Monday January 26th and I’m currently at a coffee shop called Makers and Finders here in Vegas. It’s freezing outside and it has been snowing and raining in Vegas all day. It’s hard to even type right now because my hands are so cold. It doesn’t help that I’m sitting next to the window which is even colder but I love the cold. I could be freezing my ass off and still be fine. I mean hell I went snorkeling in Iceland during the fucking winter time lol. This weather reminds me so much of Iceland. The way it feels and the way everything looks today. Yesterday I walked into the backyard with my underwear and t-shirt on and felt the same cold ass feeling I had in Iceland that first morning waking up thinking you can just open the back door for some fresh air. Hell na, in Iceland you get wind and snow coming in too since the air blows sideways lol.

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I got back from my stay at The Palms on Monday the 18th. I decided to get a hotel to party in and be close to the strip since I knew I’d be getting wasted. The day I got back from the hotel I laid in bed all day in and out of sleep like THE DEAD. I have never slept so much in my life. I can’t believe how exhausted I was. It was very special to me to be with people who I really love and care about. Normally I’d explain what all went down from start to finish but I want to do things different this time and just explain with photos.

I’m going to keep it short and cute because we already know that drinking was the main thing that went down and I want to focus mainly as to why this birthday meant so much to me.

Friday night

Dinner at Scarpetta with Amanda, Tristan and Marissa. I was supposed to just have a regular table but Mario upgraded us to the chefs table since it opened up right as we got there. STOKED!

Mario brought out a ton of different dishes for us to try along with desserts.

Marissa went to the bathroom and came back and didn’t realize the door was closed and smashed her face on the door. Poor thing got a gnarly bruise from it lol.

Afterwards drinks and shots were had at the Chandelier bar

Saturday/Birthday

I went to have lunch with my family before the shenanigans started. My mom never likes to attend the dinners because she likes to go to bed early, ew. So I knew I’d have to get it together for lunch. I made reservations at 2pm at Echo and Rig. Luckily I didn’t get too trashed the night before and gave myself enough time to recover and get ready. I totally pulled it off with a cute outfit and some tinted moisturizer lol.

When I checked into my hotel I did a mini photoshoot before heading out. I’ll be posting those photos once I receive them.

I had dinner reservations at Catch at the Aria later that night.

The objective: to look as wild as possible

The guy behind us was giving us the loooooks. Like, sir, I’m gonna need you to turn around and pay attention to your wife k thnx.

I went with Rebecca and Sarina and got all the looks from everyone in the restaurant. Just how I wanted. Many drinks, food, and good company!

Sunday

Sunday was my last full day at The Palms so I decided to have a small get together at the hotel to have one last hoorah with the Trap Stars Taylor, Nicole, Carmen, Michael and Amanda. Before the gang got to the hotel I did another photoshoot that was more of a dirty 30 styled photoshoot lol.

The cake read “Dirty 30 Daddy”

With age comes new roles lol

One of my best friends for a long time, Taylor, brought me a cake and balloons and scheduled a photoshoot for me next month that I’m so stoked for! It’s going to be epic and a wild side of me that I don’t often reveal so definitely stay tuned for that shoot as I’ll be posting as to when it’ll be as the time gets closer.

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My 30th birthday was very special to me and I’ll explain why.

If you’ve been reading my blog since I was a teenager, you’ll come across posts indicating where my mental state was during these times. Life was obviously rough but I never complained I just took every single situation as a lesson and turned it into a stepping stone to better myself and become wiser. Writing and blogging helped me release everything that was pent up as a teen and now as an adult, it has helped me understand my emotions much better.

Family life was obviously a ton of drama but I wouldn’t trade the experience or wish I didn’t go through it. The hard times I went through did cause me to grow up pretty fast but it taught me street smarts and how to communicate with adults. I was very unaware of many things growing up and so I studied books on psychology and life to help me become more aware of human behavior and how I can better understand myself and others. I really didn’t have a choice but to push myself to grow up.

During the real bad nights, I would pep talk myself. I would lay on the trampoline outside with a blanket and watch the stars and tell myself that one day I’ll be where I want to be in life. I’d cry and just tell myself that everything I was going through was just temporary and in 10 years I’ll be somewhere completely different, living a different life and being in a much happier place. I told myself that by the time I’m 30 I want to have a career and be somewhat established so that I don’t have to worry so much about money and can have enough to save so that I can travel the world and do the things I want. I wanted someone to be by my side by now but unfortunately, you can’t have it all by 30 lol.

So

I’m officially 30 and I’m exactly where I told myself I wanted to be as a teenager. I went through some pretty rough times in my 20’s and many losses but I remained strong and pushed and pushed and pushed some more for the things that I wanted and for the life I wanted to live. Life has a way of knocking you on your ass completely but it’s all about finding ways to pick yourself back up and learning from mistakes. Feeling good after feeling like shit is hard. You HAVE to do something to make yourself feel better and inspire yourself to do more and get out of the hole you’re in. I’m thankful for the friends I have that helped pick me up when I was down and who encouraged me with nothing but the best advice. Since my dad was absent from the picture and my mom worked night shifts, I never really had a parent to talk to and that’s why I place such high value on my friends. But there are those nights when everyone’s asleep and you’re feeling low and so you have to do something in order to pick yourself back up.

I’ve made many stupid mistakes in my 20’s but some of these mistakes really calmed me down and have helped me retain my energy and see life in different ways.

One huge lesson I learned to chill on was the amount of partying I was doing. I literally was working to party for years.

See, I did middle school and high school in a small town. So I never really went out much. Weekends weren’t really enough with all the drama going on at home. So when I turned 21 I kicked the partying into overdrive and went fucking nuts. Got into some trouble but that trouble settled me the fuck down. I no longer drank to get drunk but instead I learned to be able to pace myself and drink enough to enjoy myself without getting completely hammered every single time. Though I still have some nights where I go hard (especially after my break up) I know when to dial it back.

Even though I’ve gone through crazy shit, I’ve still managed to see the good on the other side. There are times though where life can make you feel like you’re drowning. When I feel that drowning sensation happen I just submerge in it. I feel what I’m going to feel, I cry if I need to cry, I drive if I need to drive. At the end of it all, I come out fine. Life isn’t easy, it’s how you deal with it.

Love after Nick

I met someone last year who I talked to for about 9 months.

I won’t focus too much on it because though the situation wasn’t ideal, I can walk away saying that I opened up my heart and realized that I can get that same feeling with other people that I got with Nick. It was that feeling of instantly knowing you’re going to love someone. I was skeptical for weeks but once I realized my true feelings is when I opened up. I believe that when you meet someone and hit it off, you just know that they’re going to be more than just a friend. At least that’s how it has always worked for me. Obviously, you need to look for red flags and all that shit but aside from that, there’s a reason why you’re attracted to someone even if they make you crazy. Patrick was a twin flame and the love between us was very real and so different and for that, I think I’ll always love him. We had many things in common and shared some of the same values and the effort he put into making it work, didn’t go unnoticed. Differences definitely played a role but I’m a very understanding and a patient loving person and still understand the situation and where he is and where I am. I’d normally say it was wrong place wrong person but in this situation it feels like we came into each others lives when we both needed someone to get us through.

There were many things left unsaid up until the end but sometimes that’s just the hand life deals you and you move on.

I’m sad it didn’t work out because I’m honestly not used to being in a relationship or having someone that I’m all about. For years I would just date and go about my life. I never found many people that I found I wanted to be with and so I’d just date around and that’s it. Finding someone that I wanted to settle down with and it not working is devastating to me. I’ve always looked at love with heart-shaped glasses. When I love someone they’re all I see and want. I see them as my forever so having to put those glasses down and see things for what they are is extremely hard for me to do but it gave me a dose of reality. It woke me up and brought me back to life after losing Nick.

#staywoke woot woot

I can genuinely say that I fell in love again and even though it hurt me, I learned one of the hardest lessons and that is to know when to walk away from a situation that’s hurting you. It fucking kills to have to do it because you don’t want to but know that you need to.

For as much love as I give, I need someone who appreciates me and the love and time I give along with all my love languages. Someone who has space for me to be in their life. Someone who sees me and sees my style of loving and wants to love me just as much. So to end this part of this blog I will say yes I’m angry and disappointed with myself and what I allowed but it all taught me a lesson and shook me up. I feel it might have prepared me for that right person because now my heart is definitely wide open and more ready than ever. So I’m thankful for the experience and choose to move on from it with peace and love in my heart.

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Where I’m at now

I’ve been working out almost every day. Trying to better take care of myself and get my body looking the way I want it to so I can stop looking in the mirror with disgust! lol

Abs are slowly coming in and I’m toning up little by little. I never realized how much muscle memory I have and how easy it is for me to tone. A week of the gym already starts showing me major results and I love it. So I’m going to stay working out and feeling good.

I like being alone most nights and I like to just get high and listen to music. That’s my version of a fun night.

I’m most proud of myself for expanding the ways I think and for being a lot more open-minded than I was before. With the help of drama and bullshit; 29 pushed me to change some beliefs and ways of living to better be flexible with others and with myself. I find it healthy sometimes to change certain ways of viewing life to better groom you for future situations that might make you crazy.

This year is going to be my best one yet. I’m where I want to be in life with only a few things I need to do to get to that next step. I’m working on things currently and will be releasing something big this year. For now, I’m just going to stay working and minding my business, Periodt!

I always say this every birthday so I’ll say it again.

I want to personally say thank you to every single person who wished me a happy birthday. It truly does mean the world to me considering how important this birthday was to me and how much fun it was even though corona times fucked some things up but still. Thank you to everyone who has known me for years and been nothing but loyal supporting friends. I love you all too and my phone is always on if you need someone to talk to or need some love and pick me ups. I love you all so very much and genuinely mean it. Cheers to an amazing year where Corona disappears (hopefully) and we can return to showing off all our faces without masks on lol.

Sending you all so much love and peace.