It’s been an exhausting 3 weeks. I’ve been slammed at work, emotionally drained, in hermit mode and I am O-K with it.

I don’t give myself enough time to feel things. I just keep moving and doing shit without realizing I need to take care of myself and be good to myself. So I’ve been shopping and saving (I know, that doesn’t make sense but it does in my head lol) and just minding my business. I’ve been doing whatever I need to, to feel good and to make sure that I’m not slipping into any type of negative thinking. Still working on my project that’s coming along great, still doing hair and gaining new clients, and practicing tarot more than I ever have. Every night I have been falling asleep to the youtube tarot videos. Scary how accurate some of them can be! But it is just fun to watch what is coming in for your zodiac sign.

It’s interesting to me how things will happen in my life for certain reasons that help me REALLY look at myself and look at how I treat others and how they treat me as well as themselves. You can learn a lot from someone by just seeing how they speak about themselves.

I’ve been feeling a huge transformation going on within me.

The last time I felt myself going through a transformation like this is when I first started blogging on here when I was 18. I remember when I first started writing and realizing how much was pent up inside me. I didn’t know how to express myself to others other than through writing it out. I’ve always struggled with communicating my feelings. I’ve always felt like my feelings are more of a burden. I tend to disregard them and instead ignore the things I want to express that hurt me and then end up in situations where I erupt or shut down because of how intense the feelings get. So writing has always been my outlet when I can’t seem to understand what my emotions are telling me. With growth and time, I’ve grown much better at communicating my emotions and understanding others.

Recently, I’ve been returning to who I was before I started to allow just about anyone into my life. I used to know boundaries and have more self-respect for myself. I don’t understand how I strayed so far away from it. After the series of events that have taken place in the past year, I’ve had no choice but to examine what it is I’m allowing into my space. I realized how important boundaries are.

Loss can come in many forms and it’s the people there for you at your lowest (that don’t judge) who you can trust will be there for you. All of this is common sense but I’m very naive and think that everyone means well and is my friend. That’s how I’ve been even as a kid. You want to believe you live in a perfect world where everyone is good. WRONNNGGGG lol.

On a more personal level of self reflection

I noticed something in the past 3 weeks when I sat down with myself and evaluated my connections with people. Over the course of 7 years I realized that I developed a co-dependency on constantly needing to be around people. Joey passed away in 2014 and that’s when it somewhat started. When Nick and Matt passed it only grew worse.

This falls into the category in psychological terms called “Complicated Grieving”

It’s pretty much when you experience a traumatic loss such as death of a loved, divorce, death of a parent etc. You experience a sense of abandonment and emotions that range between depression, anger, and anxiety.

I think that a deep part of me had an unhealthy co-dependent attachment after Nick passed. After he passed away, I hoped and prayed someone would just come into my life and save me from everything I was feeling. I thought I’d never find anyone again. I was single 4 1/2 years before I met him.

Feeling ugly about myself and feeling like I just wasn’t good enough for anyone. That’s all part of the complicated grieving process. 

Before feeling the grief, you have to first deal with your lack of confidence and all the emotions that your insecurity engenders.

I’ve always looked different (feminine) and always had a hard time finding guys that didn’t just look at me like I was a fantasy plaything.

Not only do I like to go out, but I like to socialize with many people. Over the last 7 years, I realized that when things went wrong in my life, I clung to friends and always needing someone around. I filled voids with anything that would take my mind off of dealing with problems or depression. Finally, after Nick passed I started to slow down after about a year. It’s sad sometimes the things you’ll do to feel something or feel cared for even if it isn’t real. I’ve explained previously that pain to me is registered in my brain like a bruise. If I’m hurting, I deal with the pain the best I can but sometimes when the water is neck deep, I identify where that pain is coming from and apply pressure until it’s numb. Not the best way but I’m only human.

Anyways

I landed in quite the predicament for a year.

After going through everything recently, I have a different set of glasses viewing the world. It feels like my prescription changed and I can see things clearly for what they are and who people are.

I’m understanding my energy and coming into a whole different energy adjustment. I got so used to feeding off of other’s energy that I had forgotten my own and how I act when I’m alone. So with the time off I’ve had, I’ve been keeping busy with priorities and just going along as if I’m on a solo travel trip (WITHOUT BOYS!!) and learning new things about myself. I’ve always had a very soft and calm energy to me even as a kid. I’m sitting down with myself to understand it and how it feels to embrace it to ground myself.

The best way to explain the change is compared to juicing lol.

I know, weird right?

When the pandemic hit I trained my body to just need juice during the day because I wasn’t burning energy so I would juice in the morning and just lay around the house and then juice for lunch. Since I wasn’t doing anything my body wasn’t craving food. So now when I’m at work I’m able to juice all up until dinner time where I eat a light meal.

Tapping into this new energy/self-awareness is like that. It’s training yourself to understand something new on a very intuitive emotional level which can be very hard to gauge. I’m good with helping people identify emotions clearly and where triggers may be coming from. If only I could do that with myself lol. It’s just different and more complicated when you have to do it with yourself. It’s a struggle but this is where strength and self-awareness is built. That’s where you see how you treat yourself and how others treat you. Who takes and who gives.

So I’m pretty much under construction at this moment and I’m finally choosing me.

I don’t regret anything from the past year. It was the catalyst I needed to build back my strength and become more aware of my surroundings. I’m seeing what I have to offer and the boundaries I need to set to respect myself and allow the right people in. The situation I was in breathed life back into me but, it also stung. Nothing that brings massive change is going to feel good. It’s how you brace for the impact where it counts and how you deal with the rebuilding process.

So that’s where I’m at these days.

Still choosing to love others unconditionally just with a more different approach.

Last minute thoughts and quotes:

You shouldn’t have to convince someone to love you.

Actions speak louder than words

What you see is what you get.

Love yourself first before trying to love someone else.

Don’t go where you’re not wanted.

“As I’m getting older, I’m really learning unconditional love and loyalty are extremely important.” -Bindi Irwin

Quote of the day

“Never regret a day in your life. Good days give happiness, bad days give experience, the worst days give lessons, and the best days give memories.”