So I’m settled in at my moms place.
I’ll be here for a few months until I get on my feet again. Being at home is keeping me a little grounded since I’m around family. I can tell grieving is still very difficult for me. I feel like I grieve mainly at night when I’m alone. During the day and when I’m around my family I’m not as much since I’m distracted and that’s probably why it seems like I’m handling everything well.
I’ve been finally indulging in the things I like to do without feeling guilty about it since I’m always trying to work. I’ve been catching up on shows, reading magazines, shopping and just wasting time doing that. I’m ALWAYS fucking responsible and doing things to keep me busy and working ahead but right now I’m saying fuck it all. I’m fine where I’m at and just really need to take time to myself and take care of my mental health and what I feel I need right now to help me get right. I know this feeling will never go away but I need to find what it is that will help me cope with the situation.
Something I’m not proud about doing is stress eating… Fuck man, I’ve never been that person but I’ve been eating so much bullshit at night when I’m having cravings and I’m upset, mainly fuckin ice cream. Ugh..
On a side note, I’ve been reading a book called “Hello from Heaven” it’s a book about all these people who have had experiences of seeing passed loved ones and I get jealous as to why I haven’t had something like that happen to me. If anyone can explain this, please message me because it really does get frustrating.. I’d like to think I’m a spiritual person in touch with feeling people from the other side when they’re around, so I don’t understand why I haven’t seen Nick manifest at least once.. I know, probably sounds crazy.
I guess we can dive into everything that’s been going on now to make sense of everything.
Picture standing in front of an empty room of glass with water rising. You can see the water rising and once it fills up and begins to crack, it breaks and all at once you feel everything hit you.
It’s nothing I can control and sometimes it’s more water than I expect and that feeling of drowning my anxiety which comes in.
Anxiety turns into an emotion you can’t control and Xanax seems to be the control right now but I know if I depend on it too much I won’t be dealing with grieving.. I’m already having a hard time dealing with everything as it is and my mind is starting to lock everything in a trauma vault and not really letting me reach it most times. I can tell I’m shutting down on emotions unwillingly but it’s because I know my mind is protecting itself and I can feel it because I feel myself going numb.. I pay attention to everything I’m feeling and this same thing happened when Joey passed away. I was so numb that I wanted something to just fucking hurt me so I could feel. I wanted to feel a physical pain so strong that the emotional pain would go away. I don’t know how to deal with my emotions other than by writing.. I’ve been listening more to heavy metal than any other genre of music just because it helps with my anger and stress. The screaming and heavy guitar honestly does help. I know it sounds silly but it works for me. Country has been my alternative when I want to feel because Nick loved country and was the one who got me into it.
I love finding new music and that’s been another great outlet for me so far.
Grieving has also been working like different rooms.
One day I’ll walk into a room of work and happiness and once the day goes dark it turns into sadness so then I leave that room to a different room of activities and fun or relaxation and things to keep my mind distracted and most times this one works but I know deep down the master bedroom is where I’m headed to last and is the 1 room that holds all the valuables and true emotions at heart that you can’t control. The one room you can’t escape that makes you face the problem and try to understand things.
Thanksgiving this year was obviously painful.
I woke up and it was sort of cloudy. I was really quite and had gone out the night before for my brothers birthday. He woke up late so it was just me and my nephew in the living room. He was on his phone watching videos and I was on my iPad just looking up what I could buy for myself. I keep trying to make myself happy by just buying whatever I want for myself and it definitely helps. I am materialistic and I love buying nice shit and I’m not ashamed to admit it. I sat there and just stared outside for awhile and thought of what the day would be like if we were still in the apartment.
In my head all that was playing is how the day would go. I know that he would be on the couch watching TV I’d most likely be getting up late and giving him a good morning kiss and asking what time we were going to start cooking everything. Thanksgiving was very bonding for he and I because we would be dancing in the kitchen and cooking and laughing about random stuff and taking photos of each other.
The day before I was already starting to feel all the emotions come on that I knew I was going to feel, just the realization that we wouldn’t be cooking together. The past 2 Thanksgivings, Nick and I would always cook everything and take it to my moms house. My mom works so hard and she never has time for anything so I would always make sure he and I would buy everything and we would just take it to her house and feed the whole family.
Since that wasn’t going to happen this year, I told my mom I wasn’t cooking shit, I wasn’t buying shit I was just going to let her and my brother kind of figure it out if they wanted to cook but I was not about to pull all the weight for the day. For once I needed everyone else to be strong because I definitely wasn’t going to be. We decided to just go have dinner at Scarpetta. I had remembered that my good friend Wendy invited me to go with her because she and her family were going to dinner at Scarpetta so luckily I was able to make a reservation and took the family. It was a wonderful dinner as usual, service is always impeccable and it was great to just be able to joke with the family. Since this was so out of the ordinary and something we never really do for the holidays, it was hitting me a little bit more at dinner.
It’s the simple fact that everything is changing, the fact he’s gone and that we didn’t cook dinner this year. It’s breaking out of all the routines I was used to do with him and missing his presence and love during the holiday seasons and cold days. I realized how much I needed him on Thanksgiving. I wasn’t really thinking much about it being Thanksgiving but the minute I thought about how it wasn’t he and I cooking together this year it really hit me.. I can tell it’s still playing in my subconscious and even though I might not notice how I’m feeling, the minute my subconscious surfaces, everything floods in again.
The subconscious works like when you play a sad song you know and like.
The song is familiar to you and no matter how many times you hear it you know the words and lyrics and sometimes you enjoy the song and sometimes it makes you cry when it’s really applying to how you feel.
That’s what’s happening…
Everything is playing in my head in the background and I’m sort of aware of it but the minute I find things that remind me of him or something that makes me miss him, it’ll all manifest and I’ll begin to cry.
Aside from missing him and Thanksgiving being hard, I want to give thanks.
I give thanks to all my friends and family who have been there for me during this really hard time. I’m thankful for all the things I have and for my mom who has helped me with all of this and has just tried to be there for me as much as she can. I’m thankful for having a place to be able to go back to since I had to move. Thankful for my brother helping me move and for talking me through this.
I’m thankful for the job I have and the wonderful people I work with that have really helped me so much with this whole situation, especially Barb the owner of the salon I work at.
I’m thankful for just being blessed with truly having some genuine people in my life that love me and care about me. I always think how other people would be getting through a situation like this who might not have someone reaching out to them and caring about them and just can’t imagine not having support.
Yeah it’s great to buy yourself shit and have all the nice things in life but there’s no better feeling than to have loyal loving people in your life.
Love is what makes my world go round, I need it and need to give it to feel complete and I’ve felt so much of it the past few weeks that has made me not feel so alone.
So thank you to everyone who has been there for me, who loves me and who is my true friend and family.
Before I met you I always told myself
I want a guy that’s from a small town. I want him to not be so corrupted by the world and social media. I want a guy that will love me and be wild about me like I would be for him. I want a guy that’s tall and handsome with a beard. Most importantly, a guy who would see me for me.
That’s when you came along and changed my world. I manifested everything I wanted in a guy and you were that form it came in. Sure there were things I realized that came with that price but it’s nothing we couldn’t work out and we definitely did work out most differences between us.
I’m thankful for the love and memories you gave me. You showed me love, you showed me kindness, you showed me what it felt like to be completely and genuinely adored. You showed me faithfulness and loyalty. You were everything I ever wanted in a man and because of that I will always honor your memory. I feel lost without you, I feel more alone than ever, but even though I might be going crazy day at a time, I still have a love so strong for you and will always remember our times cooking together for Thanksgiving..
Today marks 3 years that we went to Disney Land together for one of our first dates. I’ll never forget getting that speeding ticket on the way there! lol.
I love you…Happy Thanksgiving