It’s midnight and I’m currently drinking detox tea with my nephew in hopes that my allergies will leave me alone. I’ve been having really bad allergies for the past 2 weeks. I haven’t been sick in seriously 1 whole year and just when I think I dodged it, boom, sick af from allergies… AGAIN. It’s on its way out but I think when I was drinking wine every night, it definitely fucked with my body so I haven’t been drinking as much and just nursing myself.
I got back from California Sunday Nov 4th.
It was refreshing to go to California and be there on a lighter note and to be able to decompress a little more. I’ve been on go mode ever since I moved on Halloween even up until now. The move was really hard for me and trying to train my mind out of certain habits and routines is going to take some time as well. Again, this is all stuff I’m learning that I don’t really pay attention to since my mind is so preoccupied with loss.
Going left instead of right to go home is tough..
Every day I got home from work, Nick would always ask how my day was and if I worked doing my own clients hair, he would ask me how it went and I would go into more detail about the day. Not having Nick at home to tell how my day was is very hard since this is one of those things that was routine. Luckily I’ve been so so busy to the point I don’t really have time to think about how I’m feeling and if I do it’s not enough to dwell on. Strangely enough I’ve been way busy than I ever have been especially with the help of Liubi giving me some of her clients to do since she went on vacation.
I wouldn’t say I’m trying to bury myself in work to avoid feeling hurt but life has just been happening in a way that allows me to be able to focus on work right now and just stay busy. I’m just letting life happen how it’s supposed to, not controlling anything but my income.
I drove out to California Friday night because Meagan, my best friend since high school, graduated Sunday to be a surgical tech assistant.
Ever since Meagan graduated from high school she’s been in college. This girl has seriously worked so hard to get where she’s at and I couldn’t be more proud. She would tell me she would work a 12 hour shift and get off work to turn around and go to school for a few more hours. I have no fucking clue how she did it because there’s absolutely no way in fuck I’d be able to do that. I’m so proud of her for graduating and it’s a great feeling when you can genuinely be proud of your friends because of they’re success.
I originally was going to just drive out for the day and come home but when Meagans mom found out about everything that happened with me, she upgraded the hotel where they were staying at to make sure I would be able to come out and spend the weekend with them. On the drive there something amazing happened. For the first time in years I SAW ALL THE STARS JUST HOW I USED TO AS A TEEN. When we lived in Pahrump, I would go out late at night and lay on the trampoline with a blanket and just look at all the stars and dream of all the things I wanted to do when I got older. I’d spend hours at night laying there looking at the galaxy for what it is and seeing so many shooting stars at night. It helped me realize more and more that there’s so much out there to be discovered and so much to explore.
Meagans moother Margaret has always been like a mother to me. Growing up she would always take me to concerts with Meagan almost every week.. If it wasn’t concerts then it was somewhere around town to go eat. We must have gone to hundredssss of concerts growing up. They’re family always taken such great care of me and if it wasn’t for them I probably wouldn’t have had much of a social life or any fun growing up since I wasn’t really allowed much freedom. Margaret has read just about every single one of these blog posts and always continues to encourage me to write a book and to really tell my story. I know I’ll write a book some day about all the life lessons I’ve learned but it’s great to be able to share my experiences with everyone right now through my blogs and to not feel so alone when I hear that other people too have been in my same situation.
This was a quick trip but I really needed it and I’m grateful to have a 2nd family to help take me in at this time of need and be a helping hand.
Saturday
we all went down to Huntington Beach
There was a junior leagues surfing competition going on which was neat.
The sunset was absolutely breathtaking. The amount of colors the sky was giving off was not like I’ve seen in awhile.
I haven’t been back to Huntington since the Disney Land trip I took with Meagans family about 10-12 years ago? It reminded me of how we walked the pier and had lunch at Ruby’s back then. So of course we did our traditional Ruby’s lunch and pier walk. Meagan was still looking for her graduation dress so we walked the shops and tried to find one. While we looked I walked and talked to Meagan’s mom and dad about all the memories of us all hanging out and all the things we did in High School and who and who didn’t get out of the small town we all grew up in.
We went back to the room to drop off our stuff and Meagan and I went to downtown Disney to have drinks and dinner and to celebrate her success. We talked about life and everything happening and how we’ll be traveling in the future and where we want to go.
It was almost midnight when we left Disney and everything was closing and I remembered that I also haven’t been back to Disney since Nick and I went back in 2015 around the time we met and were getting serious. Even though Meagan and I didn’t go into the park I’m glad that going to downtown Disney was like a baby step for me going back and not making the experience really emotional. I’m thinking of doing Disney Land for my birthday but we’ll see.
Sunday
Graduation day
We woke up early and drove to Pasadena where we discovered the hell of trying to park.
The ceremony took some time but I forgot how entertaining graduations can be. So many people twerking and screaming on stage and being all kinds of extra lol.
The graduation took maybe 2 hours total and then we left and went to go eat at Yard House. I couldn’t stay long because I had to be back in town by 11:30pm to drop off my rental.
I made sure to grab my Starbucks for the drive home so that I wouldn’t fall asleep.
I put on music I haven’t listened to since High School and some music Nick and I listened to.
It’s funny how when you get into a relationship you start listening to other genres of music and stop listening to what you normally would listen to. I listen to country music mainly now because of Nick lol. I used to HATE country until now. I’ve been listening to Midland on repeat. I think I’ll be stuck on country for awhile just because I love discovering new music and I’m slowly starting to and really enjoy it.
I got into town a little after 11:30pm and had my brother pick me up from the airport where I rented my car from and went home.
This weekend reminded me that when you’re feeling alone, you’re not so alone after all. There’s people who care about you and are thinking about you and want to help you. If someone extends that hand and wants to help you, take it. More than anything, let the universe take control in these situations and pray that God will help get you through. All I’ve done is pray and I definitely feel like a changed person.
I just hope Nick is watching and spending time with me during these trips and special moments.. The world is just so quite without him. I miss his laugh and whenever I think of him laughing I always think of the dumb shit he would laugh at that was on TV lol.
If you’ve gotten this far and have been reading my posts, thank you… These blog posts have been keeping me sane and I appreciate everyone who has been reading. ♥
♄Brian ☾ Jamesøn♃ 