Closing the Last Door

October 31st

12:15am

It’s officially Halloween and my last night in the apartment.. I’m drinking my Midnight Blue tea I bought from Sheffield’s tea shop up in Henderson. I have Jar of Hearts radio on Pandora currently. All of these songs playing are really speaking to me and making me feel like Nick is still around. Currently Death Cab for Cutie-Someday you will be loved is playing and just really hits right in the feels.’

I changed all the addresses on my accounts again to my moms address.

I packed up a little more earlier today and knew it would be hard for me to pack and understand that this is all over. Tears kept flooding my eyes as I put more and more things away. I took a moment to sit down and cry it all out to be able to continue to do everything. I took some things to storage and figured I’d wait until later to finish everything.

I got home and showered. I sat in the shower and cried and realized it would be my last one here. I thought of all the times Nick and I showered together. The times we would be showering quick to go to a party or go somewhere fun. Whenever I park in my parking space I still look at the bathroom to see if the light is on. I know it won’t be on but I used to always look for the light to be on because almost every time I’d get home, he would be in the shower. Just a habit of mine still.

As the water kept running I just sat there staring at the handle in disbelief that now I have to face reality and this is all real now.. I know in my heart I don’t feel we have broken up but reality slaps you in the face and reminds you that indeed this is real and it’s happening whether I feel it or not and it just hurts a little bit more..

I finished showering and went to Sonic to get food. I was fucking starving and that’s where we went most of the time when we wanted to pig out. I figured it would be good to eat the meal we used to have and come home and watch Below Deck. Our most watched shows together were Below Deck, Live PD, Impractical Jokers and American Horror Story. We even saw impractical jokers live lol. Since Below Deck was on tonight I figured I’d finish watching it since I probably won’t be able to finish the series.

When you really break down this situation this is the way it looks and feels to me.

I dealt with death in the beginning..

I went to the memorial, I spoke all the words I had in my heart in his honor and mourned. I went the places he and I went to for more closure and will continue to do so.

Now I’m dealing with the breakup..

The move out, the packing of boxes of everything we shared and living somewhere else without him.

That’s why this is so hard, it’s losing someone to death and a breakup at the same time. It’s like getting heartbroken all over again one last time.

Everything still feels like it just happened yesterday and I still find myself crying wherever I drive or run into something that reminds me of him.. I just feel so tormented by emotions that it gets to be a little too much at times and really makes me question life and everything happening in general.

This situation really fucking sucks. This is the one time I do feel angry at Nick because packing everything is frustrating since we had so much shit and it hurts going through everything and getting emotional every 5 seconds.. We put this place together and built a home for ourselves just to tear it all down.

I’m experiencing so much emotion that I start to feel like I can’t deal.. It makes me wonder if I’ll ever be able to move on and if I do how will it be? Will I have found how and will I be the same?.. I have so many questions with none answered. I still wonder why this happened to me and why he would do what he did… We were going to be fine, everything was looking up and things were about to be really good and now it’s all over and I have to learn to live without him and grow without him.

All we want is someone to love us, someone to show us love is real and to care for us but no one tells us or prepares us for the what ifs..


Thursday Nov 1st 11:30pm

Yesterday I had to move out of the apartment.

I barely ate anything because of how stressed I was about the move. I went to the storage unit first thing in the morning and dropped off whatever else I could do alone. I wanted the experience to be intimate. I didn’t realize I had so much shit until it became never ending. We really accumulated so much shit in a matter of 2 years. I was shocked how much stuff we had.

Thank God for my friend Tiara and her boyfriend and my brother to help with all the heavy shit. I’ve been really sick with allergies and just been weezing and coughing.

The move took a total of about 12 hours to do…. It was rough.

This move was extremely emotional for me. I wish I didn’t have to leave. I would of stayed there until I was ready to move but I just couldn’t afford it alone..

Once everything was pretty much in storage. My brother and I went back for one more trip to get the last of everything.

I walked through the empty apartment looking around at how empty it was and remembering when we first got our keys and went to look at the space before moving in.

I figured it was time to start closing the doors. Something in me was just signaling to close the doors, I felt like I’d get closer to closure if I do it.

I went to the bedroom and decided to start at the closet with the goodbye process. I stared at the closet and began to cry thinking of all those times we would be getting ready together and I would ask for his advice on what to wear or he’d ask me a million different times what belt with what shoes he should wear.. I closed the closet door and stood at the doorway of the bedroom staring at the room where we spent every night together sleeping. I looked at all the dents on the floor from where the bed was and just thought about how he would wake me up in the middle of the night from cuddling me. Even though he was a big guy, he loved to be cuddled. Nick was really really gentle and even though he was big and intimidating he was the biggest teddy bear and loved to be held.. I turned the light off and took the remote with me, it’s the one thing we really shared together and I wanted to keep that.

I walked to the den and thought of all those memories of how he would always be taking my picture for my Instagram and for the companies I would shoot for. I thought of how it looked like a garage when we first moved in because of how much shit was piled in it. I would get so mad at him for it! Lol. One of the last thins I remember asking him was why he made so much room in the den and he replied saying that it was because he knew I wanted to have a social media room and wanted me to have more space.. I closed the door and went to the kitchen.

I thought about all the times we cooked together or on Sundays when we would be hanging out at home doing nothing and I’d make us breakfast or if he knew I had a long week ‘he’ would make us breakfast. I thought of all those times I’d come home in a bad mood and no matter how upset I’d be he would always ask if I was hungry and if I wanted him to make me something to eat. I would always make a big chickpea veggie soup and it was one of the last things we cooked together and I remember so vividly that day because he didn’t want me touching the soup at all, I could tell he was trying to learn how to make it all on his own! I told him that night that the trick was in the spices and when it was finished it’s as if I had made it, he definitely got it down with the spices and didn’t over do it. I turned the light off and went to the living room

I sat on the floor in silence trying to contain myself and just thank him for everything and again started crying.. I finished the water bottles he left behind on his last day. I left those for last because I knew I’d need them for this last day. I mainly kept them because it was the closest to a last kiss that I was going to get and I guess I just wanted to save that for last..

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The living room holds the most amount of memories since we spent so so much time there. All I thought of was how we would watch all our favorite shows together or how I’d cook dinner and we would sit and have dinner on the coffee table and watch our shows or a movie. I’d lay my arm next to him and he would scratch my arm or how I’d want to cuddle next to him and we would somehow someway find a way to both lay on the couch together. Normally when I’d lay next to him like that I’d fall right asleep because of how comfortable I was. We would discuss things going on in shows or movies while laying on the couch and just really spending quality time together.

I realized more and more as I saw the holes in the walls, how much Nick actually did for me.

There was a light fixture that he installed for me so I could do hair at home and when Christian took it down I saw how many holes were drilled and all the wiring Nick went through to hook it all up for me.. That’s true love…. He went through so much to help me so I could follow my dreams and be happy..

I started to talk to him out loud and just hoped he could hear me and hear how sad I am without him and how I just miss him a lot.

The last place to go to was the bathroom.. The 1 thing I grabbed last was his mirror and razors from the shower.. I know how much he used those and I just kept getting images of when I’d come home and find him showering and shaving.. He would always yell “HI BABE!” or I’d go in there if he didn’t hear me come into the house and I’d scare the shit out of him lol. I closed the door and was getting ready to leave.

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I stood at the doorway staring down the hall that lead to the living room thinking of how many times I came home to hear him greet me. The times I would come home drunk from being out with him all night and how the first thing we would always do is throw our shoes off, take our pants off and lay on the couch. I thought of how much I was going to miss the apartment and how much I wish I didn’t have to leave.. Before I got too carried away with my tears, I kissed our place goodbye and left..

Closing these doors helped give me a sense of peace knowing that there is no door open anymore. Everything has been closed now and now I just have to move forward. I don’t have a choice but to move forward.

I thought I’d be really bent about having to move in with my mom because I’ve just been on my own for so long that it kind of sucks having to go back home. But to be honest, I’m really not that upset. I’m glad to be home and glad to have a loving family. There’s people who don’t even really have family so I really can’t complain. The holidays are around the corner and it’ll be good to spend it with my family. I know my mom wanted me home and always missed me so it’ll be good to be home and helping her out with whatever she needs. I know she feels so awful about this situation and I’ve never seen her so worried for me.. I can tell it’s hard on her because my mom has always known me to be the strongest person and the strongest one in the family but she knows if I cry over anything it’s because I truly am very hurt. It takes a lot for me to cry, it’s not that I don’t like to or want to it’s just that I tend to separate emotions and rationalize things before allowing myself to cry.

I’ll be with my mom for a few months and if I need to stay another year then I’ll stay another year but my goal is to really save as much as possible the next 3 months and try to buy property. After having to move and deal with all this shit and dealing with leaving somewhere I didn’t want to leave, I will never again feel like that. I want to buy my own home so I can do whatever the fuck I want to it and to never be told I have to leave or have rent raised on me. Obviously if I have to rent a condo or something then I will just to have my own space again but the goal at hand right now is to power save and work my ass off double time to make this happen.

I want to thank everyone who’s supported me through all of this and helped me with anything and to mainly stay above water. I love you guys and thank you so much. ♥

“Something always brings me back to you. It never takes too long. No matter what I say or do I’ll still feel you here till the moment I’m gone..”

“I sing myself a quite lullaby, let you go and let the lonely in to take my heart again..”

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