Letters from the Arctic pt.5

Sunday: The last full day

I woke up to Janusz calling me at 9:30am… Before we parted ways the night before he specifically told me that he would be calling me at 9:30am to wake me up so we could go to the black sand beach where Season 7 of Game of Thrones ended. He told me he knew how to get there and wanted to also take me to a waterfall that was on the way. I didn’t believe he was telling me the truth about 9am, but he was! I slept through all 5 million phone calls because of how fucked up I got the night before and didn’t wake up until about noon.

He came over and we ended up heading out around 1:30pm.

The entire time I was in Iceland the weather was being so finicky. It was either raining, snowing, hella fucking windy (to where people were getting hit with shit from the street) or just cloudy. I didn’t mind at all but this last day was the clearest I had seen it. Janusz was even saying it was amazing how clear the roads were when we were driving and how they don’t get clear weather like that normally. I couldn’t believe it either. When I had taken my tours the roads were a fucking mess. There was snow everywhere and I was just thinking to myself there was no way I was driving BY MYSELF IN THE COUNTRY, with those roads the way they looked. But Sunday there was no snow anywhere in sight on the roads.

The beach was about 2 1/2 hours away from Reykjavik so a trip from Vegas to Zion Utah. We stopped by a convenient store to get some snacks and we were on our way!

One thing I noticed Janusz doing was taking photos of everything. I was paying attention to how careful he was being with making sure he took a lot of good shots and he would occasionally take photos of me. It made me smile because Nick knew how much I loved having my photo taken or I’d shout at him when we were driving to take a photo of the mountains if we were up in Red Rock lol. I felt like it was another guided message from him and the universe. For meeting a stranger and him taking photos of everything, was a pretty rare thing. The similarity brought me comfort and I was grateful for all his help creating memories.

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I couldn’t believe everything I was seeing when I was driving. I mean fuck, this country was absolutely incredible. We would be driving through the mountains and all of a sudden you’re now next to the ocean and then driving through mountains again. I saw so many Icelandic horses on the drive. I saw a giant Volcano that was covered by a glacier. Janusz was giving me one giant history lesson about the volcanos.

Our first stop was the Seljalandsfoss waterfall

My friend Rae let me borrow her amazing raincoat for the trip since my dumbass forgot to take one. Let me just tell you guys that a raincoat by the waterfalls is an ABSOLUTE MUST. The closer you get the wetter you get!

He took me to this other waterfall that was inside a cave and MADE ME TAKE MY SHOES AND SOCKS OFF TO GET INSIDE! The water was about ankle deep and my feet were FREEZING. I could barely walk in it. People were looking at us like we were crazy lol. But that waterfall was absolutely breath taking. There was a giant boulder that people were taking photos on and the minute we got in is when everyone started to leave the cave so Janusz was taking a ton of photos of me on it lol. My hair was DRENCHED since I was so close to the waterfall.

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We hung out for a good 1 1/2 and then headed to the beach that was about 40 min away from where we were. We had to be quick because the sun was starting to set and we wouldn’t be able to see much after that.

We arrived to Reynisfjara black sand beach

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We got there and when you start to approach the beach you go up these steps that lead you to the water and the waves are sooooo close to the shore to where you find yourself struggling to take a selfie because you’re running from the waves rolling in. It definitely wasn’t Santa Monica lol.

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Janusz took dozens of photos of me there and then I told him I needed a moment to myself to just kind of say some goodbyes to Nick and just talk to him. So I walked away to a spot where No one could really see me and I just talked to him and told him a poem I had recently heard on the way to Iceland from the movie ‘The Shape of Water’.

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“Unable to perceive the shape of you, I find you all around me. Your presence fills my eyes with your love. It humbles my heart, for you are everywhere.”

As I stood there watching the waves crash, I could feel the amount of power and energy that beach held..

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I had a necklace that was a heart and a moon that said ‘I love you’ on the heart and ‘to heaven and back’ on the moon. The heart is where Nicks ashes were kept and I felt compelled to scatter them but then I thought it over and the only words I kept hearing in my head were “release me, let it go, throw it out” and so instead of scattering his ashes I unscrewed the heart from my necklace and held it tight and made a wish of love and hope.

So with all my emotions and tears I threw it as hard as I possibly could when I saw the next big wave..

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To me it was another step closer to getting closure and making my wish come true. I could feel every emotion in me and realized why this beach specifically was calling to me. All I did my entire trip was follow the signs when they presented themselves and this was the biggest one as I’ll reveal later in this post.

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I walked back to where Janusz was and we took a few more photos before heading back to the car. It was dark and we had such a long drive ahead of us. On the drive back to the city we could see the northern lights vaguely appearing above us. It was true magic being able to just drive through the country witnessing such beauty.

We got back into town around 9pm and went to the store. Janusz studied culinary for 5 years so ya boy KNOWS HOW TO COOK. I hopped in the shower and he started to cook. He made me fish with mashed potatoes, a mushroom sauce and some noodles. It was DELICIOUS but so much food that I couldn’t eat all of it lol.

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It was about midnight now and he had work the next day so we wrapped up dinner and said our goodbyes.

I was so thankful for him and for the universe putting him in my path because he made the trip so exciting for me and was someone who really knew Iceland and told me so much of the history and showed me around the country. Not many strangers are willing to do this and till this day I’m still grateful for him and the memories that were created because they’re definitely going to last a lifetime.

I laid on the couch for a bit and just really took in my trip. One of my best friends Tiara bought me a divinity tea reading gift.

The way it works: You pour hot water water into your tea cup with leaves and swirl it around. You place your hand over the cup and put your energy into it. You then drain the water out and leave the cup flipped over on a paper towel to drain the rest of the water and then you flip the cup up to see what formed and depending on what forms, is your message.

I feel like mine looked like an anchor and this is the meaning for it.

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This ancient tea leaf symbol suggests that you need to take a restful holiday by water.

There have been many times you have been challenged by others. It may be a time when confusion and stress is likely to undermine the health of yourself and people close to you. If you see the anchor on its own in your teacup, it indicates that you have many friends and acquaintances and you sometimes never know who they truly are. As the anchor goes down to the seabed indicates that you are going to listen to your deep unconscious inner self.

The anchor is an emblem of hope and promises rest and contentment after a tumultuous episode. It may indicate that a heartfelt wish will come true. Near the rim, the anchor symbolises true friends and a faithful lover.

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This message was bizarre to me considering the fact I made a wish at the beach and considering the fact I am going through a hard time in life so I’m curious what manifests from this message in the future.

I finished up soaking in the last night being in my air bnb and packed my things for tomorrow morning.


 

Monday: Going home

I woke up at 11am and made myself one last breakfast at my air bnb.

I packed up the rest of my things and loaded up the car. Checkout was at 1pm and it was now 12:30pm

After I was done eating and the car was all packed up, I sat down for a moment..

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I looked around at where I got to stay and just thought of everything I got to do.. I felt so much gratitude and and wrote a thank you card to my Air bnb host. It was a couple, so I left them 2 Oribe sample packets along with 2 Charlie Brown Valentine’s Day cards as a thank you for letting me stay in their beautiful home. Afterwards I felt compelled to write a sorry letter to Nick so I could get a little more closure from the situation.

I started crying and realized that everything I was saying sorry for was everything I truly did feel bad for doing in our relationship. I never did anything out of spite or malicious intent just to be clear. We sometimes got into heated arguments like every couple does, but when someone you love passes away, all of those things you said, haunt you. So I wrote down everything I possibly felt in my heart I was sorry about and kept the piece of paper with me. Hopefully in 10 years I’ll open it up and see what I wrote and see how far I’ve come from the situation.

I grabbed my backpack checked out of my place and went to go walk around the city a little longer until it was time to leave. I had 2 hours to spare since my flight wasn’t leaving until 5:30pm. I realized my gloves that my friend gave me were wet still from the water fall! I was like fuck now I need to go buy gloves otherwise I’m going to be cold. I went searching for gloves and all I could find were Icelandic wool gloves…. I DON’T NEED THAT SHIT! I LIVE IN VEGAS FFS. I knew for a fact I wouldn’t wear them again and was not going to spend $50 on wool gloves for that reason lol. Plus I had already spent a fortune on the Icelandic sweaters I bought since I bought 3! So I gave up and went to the church since it’s a huge tourist attraction in Reykjavik. There’s an elevator that takes you all the way to the top of the church to overlook the city and so I walked into the church and the first words that left my mom were “HOLY SHIT” when I saw the massive line at the elevator to take everyone up! I was like GOD FORGIVE ME FOR JUST SAYING THOSE WORDS I DIDN’T MEAN IT! I couldn’t even believe myself saying that right as I walked in and not even exaggerating but EVERYONE in that line turned to look at me. I thought I was going to pass out.

I didn’t stay very long. I felt a little uncomfortable with people sitting down staring at others and at me and to be honest the energy felt a lot like being in a museum. It didn’t feel like mass had just got out, it felt like people just coming to a church to look and leave. I was kind of shocked by that so I left.

I went to the beach where I was staying at since I had not been to it yet. As I was walking there I was thinking of how blessed I was to be able to go on this trip. To see everything I did and to see how others live. I still didn’t have gloves but for some reason I didn’t care. Even though it was cold I didn’t feel that cold.

So I kept walking until I reached the beach and went to see the Solfar Sun Voyager.

Here’s the description:

Solfar Sun is described as a dreamboat, or an ode to the Sun. The artist intended it to convey the promise of undiscovered territory, a dream of hope, progress and freedom.

I took photos of it and then I was really bored at this point and decided to just head to the airport 3 hours earlier. I got in my car and realized my body was pretty cold but I noticed I was putting all of my emotions and pain into how cold I was and not even realizing it. I was obviously on this trip carrying a lot of pain and depression but 1 thing I didn’t realize is that I wasn’t cold the entire time on my tours or anywhere because I was putting all of my emotions into the cold and when it was time to go indoors and thaw out, the pain would leave and get easier. It was a repeated process that worked as therapy and it actually helped. I know it sounds a little out there and a little over the top but it’s true. The minute that I sat in my car I had this entire realization of what I was doing the entire trip. It was a concluded moment where I now realized why I came to Iceland. Why this is where I needed to be to heal because ever since the trip, I have not been the same.


 

I was driving to the airport and I had no clue where I was going to drop off my rental or how I was going to get to my gate or anything. I had completely forgot that the rental drop off place was a little further away from the airport so I was kind of rushing because I didn’t know how long anything would take.

I rented my car with Hertz and I couldn’t find it so I stopped at some random car rental place on the way and asked for directions to Hertz and they pointed me in the right way. I got there and there was seriously snow up to my ankles and I had to lug all my shit out in it and drag it to the shuttle that was taking me to the airport. It took a good 30 min to get to the airport but that was because we were waiting for more people to get on the shuttle. Once in the airport I decided to eat and that took about another 20 min of my time. I then went to go check my bag and on my way to customs I was asked 5 million questions about where I’ve traveled to and what I was doing in Iceland and what not. 

I then had to take a train to my gate which took about 45 min because I got off at the wrong stop. Got back on then had to run to my gate because I had maybe 45 min until my plane was going to take off. I got to my gate right at boarding and had 20 min until my flight left. I was blown away that 3 hours had gone by so fast. While I was in line this girl was just as late as I was getting to the gate and had an attitude from hell. She then proceeded to I think call her boyfriend or friend or whoever the fuck that she went to visit in Iceland and bitched them out for almost missing her plane. She kept looking at people and saying things like “not your business look away” to just about everyone lol. I was cracking up and irritated at the same time because it’s not like she missed her flight she was just the last one to get to the gate like, SHUT UP.

After that it was time for take off and goodbye to Iceland.

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I landed in Seattle at about 5:30pm and has about 2 hours to kill. I went to Starbucks and grabbed coffee because I was tired and this time change was going to fuck me up again. I started to board around 7:30pm. As I was standing for everyone to get on the plane I checked to see if I had any notifications on my apple watch. I had 1 notification telling me that I had friends who wanted to photo share with me. It was strange because my watch has never alerted me about photo sharing. So I was thinking it was my girlfriends I went on my Seattle trip with because we had a shared album from the wedding and so I thought they might of asked me to create an album to share so they could see my trip photos but that was not the case.

When I opened my phone to check it out, it was the photo album of the beach where I went to go say my goodbyes and where season 7 of Game of Thrones ended. I checked to see who it was that wanted to photo share and the only 2 people on the list were me and Nick…. Under Nicks name it said ‘Baby’ which was strange because I’ve never saved him as baby in my phone. His name was always Nick or Grizzly Bear in my phone, that was it, NEVER BABY. I was like NO FUCKING WAY…. It could of been any album from my trip.. ANY. I was taking photos up until that last day. Why the beach album? To me that told me that Nick heard me and was telling me that he was there with me. This is just how spiritual this trip was for me. I couldn’t believe the amount of signs I was getting from him the entire time and the connection I felt with the country…

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This is the big sign I was talking about earlier in this post. This is the biggest sign I could of received from Nick on my trip.

After all of this happened I looked up and I saw my friend Sonny who I used to kickbox with! She was in Seattle for a girls trip and so we got to talking and when we boarded we magically were in the same row but across in the opposite side! It was like fate was guiding me the entire time. Like this trip was meant to happen. Not to mention I was sitting next to a guy and noticed his socks. He was wearing long dress cocktail socks and so was I! lmao. All the coincidences that happened in a matter of 30 minutes lol.

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I landed back in Vegas around midnight and had my mom come and pick me up. I couldn’t wait to go home, take a shower and go to sleep.

And so that concludes my trip to Iceland.

I highly recommend everyone go check the country out. There’s so much magic to it and so much to do and see.

If you’re someone looking for some solitude and looking to self explore and just center yourself with the universe then you are someone who definitely needs to go and see and experience for yourself.

I won’t say that I don’t miss Nick. I won’t say that things are easier, I won’t say I’m moving on. I will say that life has been put more into perspective for me. I understand life in a different light now because of all the signs I received on my trip. I realize that the people you love that have passed are not worlds away but right next to you and whatever energy they have, they’ll send signs with and you just have to keep your eyes open and ear to the ground to watch for them.

I’m still healing and every day is still a struggle. The hardest part of this all is still missing him and missing the things we did together and how much he loved me. Finding love like the kind Nick gave me is such a rare thing but I have hope that there’s still some out there. Regardless, I feel him around still and dream him all the time.

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If you’re reading this and you’re struggling with something similar, I hope you know that everything happens for a reason and know that life works out one way or another. Nothing lasts forever and we’re all here on borrowed time. It’s what you do with that time and all the good and happiness you bring to the world that makes life worth living. 

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