I’m currently sitting at the dining room table drinking my sleepy time tea and trying to write out as much as what’s on my heart as I can. It’s a wolf moon tonight and I’m definitely feeling the effects. It’s called a wolf moon because back in ancient times, wolves would howl the most around this time.
I’m feeling compelled to write tonight because I figured now would be a good time to open up and talk about how the past year has been and where I’m at with my whole healing process.
Today January 10th is Nicks birthday.
He would of been 35 today.
I was very busy today and it really helped keep a lot of feelings away. Not that I was avoiding them, I’m just glad that I was able to keep it together for the entire day and just work.
All day I kept thinking about where I wanted to go to dinner to celebrate Nick and just have a quite dinner.
I got off work and decided to head to North Italia right across the street from my work for some pasta. It was the one place that kept popping into my mind when I thought of places to go eat. Normally when I get images of things to do or people to text, it always turns out to be a sign.
I got to the restaurant at about 8pm and immediately was seated. I was sat at the only table available that was in the center of the restaurant set for 2. I carefully looked over the menu to see if there was anything that really stood out to me that I wanted to eat for Nick. I went with the bread (which he fucking loved bread) and the same Mafaldine squid ink pasta that I always get. I couldn’t drink alcohol because I’ve been on antibiotics so instead I had water with no ice and a Pepsi. I looked around and saw bunches of families having dinner, birthdays going on, friends gathered and there little ol’ me was, having dinner all alone lol. For the first time I actually felt a little weird having dinner alone because I was the only person eating by myself and it was so crowded.
Before my food came out I noticed my friend Hilda sitting at the table across from me with her friends. She and I went to school together at Paul Mitchell and everyone thought she and I were brother and sister because of how alike we look and act. So I greeted her and went to wash my hands. When I got back my food had already started coming out.
I sat down and began to eat.
During this time I felt it was appropriate to text Nicks family and check in on everyone and see how they were handling the day. His mother was at a birthday party having some cake for Nick, his sisters were at home and his dad was at work. I was feeling a bit emotional at this time.. I kept wondering if he was with me, what we would have been doing for his bday, if he’s ok etc etc. I definitely wasn’t about to start crying in public though. I mean imagine being out at dinner and you seeing someone all alone at a table crying their ass off while eating spaghetti and bread. People would have probably thought I had eating issues. No thanks lol.
I finished my dinner and left my pepsi and water glasses half full. I was contemplating getting desert but I just knew that if I ordered it, I would NOT be able to finish all of it by myself, plus I wanted to get him cupcakes when I went home. I asked for my check and when the waiter handed it to me the total amount was $33.05…
I was BLOWN AWAY.
It reminded me of how things are not just a coincidence. 33 is my spirit number and ever since the Yosemite trip for his 1 year with his family, I’ve been seeing 33 EVERYWHERE.
Here is a description of what the number 33 stands for:
The angel number 33 is a very spiritual and emotional number. It carries the energy of many spiritual and religious aspects. Such as the ascended masters, the holy trinity, and the third eye. It is the energy of our physical lives being connected and intertwined with the spiritual.
Angel Number 33 is a message from your angels that any positive changes or projects you are considering right now will be well worth your while, and you will be assisted in the undertaking.
I very much believe that it was a sign from Nick letting me know he was at dinner and that he’s watching and listening. Everything just fell into place for me to see that number and be reminded that he’s with me.
I sat there for a minute and just played on my phone and my friend Hilda left her friends for a minute to come talk to me. I explained to her why I was eating alone and why I was there and we just talked about everything and about life in general. Even though my friends know the story, it felt nice to just have someone there with me during this time to just sit and talk about it with.. I was grateful for her at this moment and so I said my goodbyes and went to the store to pick up some chocolate cupcakes.
When I got home my nephew and I lit a candle for him and made a wish.
Although he can’t be here, it still feels good to honor his memory and remember the joy he brought to me and everyone.
The days have started to get a little easier on me. I’ve come to terms with the fact that this is always going to be with me because it’s left a scar. Even though that’s the case, it’s ok.
I remember cloudy days being very rough on me. They would make me feel very depressed and I would not even be thinking about him or the situation I would just automatically get depressed. Now when I see clouds out when I wake up, I don’t cry. It’s something so simple as this that lets me know I’m healing. It’s a good feeling to know I’m healing because this truly has been a trauma in my life and it feels nice to know that I’m slowly beginning to feel a little more like myself.
I still beat myself up for some of the things I did or said and even though everything is done now it still lingers.. I often wish I could take back some of the things I said and ways I acted but since I can’t and since these things hurt, I decide to turn them into positives by doing something for every little thing I might feel bad about. I recently wrote out evvvverything I felt bad about and I cried and I cried doing it but it really helped me feel better because I was realizing it and seeing it on paper and putting all that hurtful energy into writing. After that I wrote about the things I’m grateful for that he brought to my life. You’d be surprised how much writing everything out helps.
I’m currently still working on a big project that will be released this year. The illustrations are being created right now and I feel in my heart that with everything that has happened with Nicks passing, that this is where destiny has lead me with this whole situation. It’s a good path and it’s helping me release a lot of emotion into a positive way.
I’ll be revealing within the next month what it is since enough illustrations have been made for me to announce it and I hope you all will enjoy it.
To end this blog I just want to say thank you to those who have been helping me through this and talking things through with me. I’m doing good but having friends on those days that aren’t good, really means the world to me. I know I’ll be ok eventually but it makes me happy to know that my heart is healing more, day by day.
Quote of the Day
If you know anyone struggling with their mental health, reach out. If someone pops into your thoughts for whatever random reason, text them and tell them you love them.
Be the light that someone might need because the world needs a little more light, faded darkness, and lots and lots of love..