♄Brian ☾ Jamesøn♃

The Last Sunday

28 Oct 2018

12:05pm

I’m currently having almond milk with waffles and eggs. I have a cough I can’t seem to get rid of. Don’t have a cold or anything like that, I can tell it’s definitely allergies getting the best of me. I’ve been taking my Hydroxyzine and NyQuil to try and kick it but it’s not working out so good. Almost there!

I’m getting ready to go to the beauty supply stores that are close to me right now since it’ll be hard for me to go as often as I used to.

I’ll be moving in with my mom for awhile and there aren’t really any Cosmoprof’s or Salon Centric’s around her.

This Sunday definitely is making me think of a lot right now. I’ve been fine every other day but I’m realizing this is the last weekend I’ll be spending in my apartment. It’s the last Sunday, the day he and I spent alllll day together since we were both always off.

I just couldn’t help but think of the Sundays Nick and I spent together. They mainly consisted of him playing games or watching TV on the couch. I’d go straight to the coffee machine and make a cup of coffee, check my emails and see which companies I have to shoot with. If there was a movie out that we wanted to see we would go see it really late and just take the day slow.

Not sure if I’ve explained why my social media looks like an infomercial but I’m working with different companies right now to help promote their product. How it works is they send me free product and in return I blog and make posts about the product and just promote it. I have a deadline that’s within 7-10 days to post. I would always have Nick helping me take photos for it. I’ve gotten in touch with a few photographers I know since I don’t really have Nick helping me anymore.

Every day still feels like a blur and I just feel like I’m standing still.

October has flown by and I’m still stuck in September.

Makes me think of the Green Day song Wake me up when September ends. It couldn’t be anymore on point.

I’ve gone around the apartment today and just took photos of how it looked today since tomorrow it will mostly be in boxes.. Having to pack is already hurting to do but I can’t put it off any longer or I’ll get sick on moving day doing it all at once annnnd cleaning.

I wonder how I’ll feel on Sundays and Mondays when he and I spent the most time together. I wonder how it’ll feel not being in the apartment we shared together. I’m trying not to think too much into it but I think it’s just me dreading the fact I have to leave. I know most people will say it’ll be healthy to get out but I don’t really feel that way. I WANT to be here. I just feel comforted, like nothings really changed and like he’s still here with me..

It’s sad how cruel life can be and how tormented so many people feel these days. How easy it is to feel trapped especially when it comes to finances..

I want everyone out there knows that no matter what happens with your life or what may go wrong, everything is fixable as long as you’re alive..

Update

It’s now 10:47pm and I just got back awhile ago from having dinner with 2 of my good friends.

I’m having tea and about to take my juice plus with the water bottles Nick left for us around the house.

Nick used to always put 2 water bottles by both of our night stands and 2 water bottles on the coffee table so I’m starting to go around the house and just finish what he left.. I know it’s something so simple but I find myself holding onto even the littlest things.

My computer for some reason isn’t reading fucking memory cards, yet again something that fucks up. It can never be just 1 think it has to be everything at once. so I was rummaging through every single HDMI cord trying to find one so I could plug in my camera to my computer and download my files from the SD card that way and I actually found one that fits my camera!!

I honestly feel like this is Nick doing this. He was the brains of technology all around the house and he would always be doing all of it for us and for me especially when I couldn’t figure something out. I feel he is definitely around, challenging me in every way he can so that I start to figure things out on my own. He would do that sometimes so I know that’s him. I found the cord directly behind me on our desk that has all of our important papers and clip boards, a place where I would not even imagine it would be in.

I just hope he’s around or visits me in my dreams again before I move with at least some sort of message that he’ll be with me even after I move.
The Road to Getting Home

28 Oct 2018

It’s 3am and I find myself writing late at night again..

I went to pink box doughnuts earlier since Nick and I used to go allll the damn time late at night. I’ll have doughnuts and watch a movie shortly so I can start to wind down and go to bed.

I have Pandora playing on Connie Francis radio and Bobby Vinton-Blue on Blue just started playing. Funny how music speaks to you or expresses exactly how you feel. I’m sitting outside drinking tea since my allergies have been awful and plan to go to Sheffields Tea shop up in Henderson to refill on my teas since I won’t be that close anymore.

I decided to sit outside tonight and just take in the last few days being here at the apartment since I move on Halloween. I looked around at the apartments around and just thought to myself

What are their homes like? What is their love like if they’re in relationships? What makes these people happy?

What makes a home?

I started to think of what I want my home to look like

Whether I choose to have a family or choose to love again or choose to just live alone.

What really makes a home to me?

I started to envision being in a home with someone I love with kids and maybe 1 pet if that. I thought of Nick and all the things we had planned or had talked about if we ever had kids and had a house together. He always said he felt like he would be the parent that would be the lenient one to let the kids do whatever they want while I would be the parent running the house like a boot camp and keeping the kids in check lol. It was actually pretty accurate because Nick was so easy going and just full of love.

I feel like I’m a lot more simple than I’d like to think.

Before I met Nick I always had this vision of living alone in an apartment with just my cat meow meow and just working and living my life independently. Now that I’ve grown up more and look around at my surroundings, I realize how important family is and how beautiful of a thing it is to have kids and someone who loves you.

It made me think more about what I want for my future and what I see.

I can see myself living in either California or staying here in town. I’d like to think that I could love again but it’s not really a thought right now. I’d want a garden out back full of sunflowers and roses to bring in adoration, loyalty and love.

I would want 2 kids and a big house. I see myself as the type of parent that would make sure his kids realize the importance of receiving and giving love above all lessons kids need to learn. I want my home to be filled with nothing but joy and love. I want a big house so that my kids would have everything they wanted but to teach them to be humble.

I think these days too many parents give their kids EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING and their reasoning is because they grew up poor and didn’t have shit and want their kids to have everything. Well, I’m here today to tell you guys that that’s not the way to raise a kid. These kids are being raised spoiled brats from shit like that. Most parents do it out of the goodness of their heart to give their kids everything but kids will sometimes not appreciate that gesture because they don’t understand the value of a dollar and turn around and just allow to keep receiving but not giving any love or appreciation back. Not saying this is always the case because my mother is the most giving person and has always made sure we had everything we needed and wanted because she always wanted us to be happy but I saw that and chose to make her proud by coming as far in life as I have. That’s my thank you to her for everything she’s done.

I might not be a parent but I can imagine how great of a feeling it is to be proud of your baby you raised to be great. How great of a feeling it would be to be proud of them for either following their dreams or for being well off and happy. At the end of the day it’s all about being happy.

I see myself being the type of parent to have certain weeks where I could sit down with my kids and read to them in their grade school days.

Middle school I’d like to teach them about spirituality and kindness/understandings since I feel like that’s when kids can be mean and if your child doesn’t understand how to defend themselves or what other kids might go through then it’s easy for your kid to grow up with problems. It doesn’t matter how good a school is, kids will be kids and some kids are just mean and have troubled home lives.

High school I would want to study finances with them and what it takes to buy a home or buy a car so they start to understand the value of a dollar and what it takes to own something and how important credit is.

I would just really want to build up my kids for success with as little trouble as possible. Most importantly I’d let them know how much I love them every day so that there’s never a doubt.

If I were to live alone for the rest of my life then I’d want to travel as much as possible. I’d want to be so successful and work so hard that I can enjoy my life to the fullest without worrying about money. I’d want to still live in a big house by a lake with a garden and pool in the backyard for my loved ones to come over and keep me company. I’d fill my house with memorabilia on the walls and make give my house a theme (disney, memorabilia, etc etc.). I think it would be fun to paint a house all the colors you enjoy and to decorate it with all the things you love. I’d want an office/library full of journals and books with a couch in case I want to read and a desk where I could write.

I’d want a balcony outback furnished so I could go out in the mornings drinking coffee and see the lake. At night I’d want to drink tea and see the moon reflecting off of the lake when it’s at its fullest.

The more I write about this the more I’m realizing something.

I think there’s things you can and can’t do whether you choose to have kids or be in a relationship or be single.

Kids means giving up a lot to make your world all about them life is no longer really about you.

Relationships means focusing more on your home life or travel I guess this is where it depends what kind of relationship you have or want.

Being single all things go. Being single it allows you to find yourself and understand yourself before you try to get into something serious with someone. I think that’s why people say to always be true to yourself and to know and love yourself before you try and love or care for someone else because I can see where things could easily get messy if you don’t know yourself but want to care for someone else.

That’s what I see when I think of my future and building my home. Sometimes things don’t work out the way we plan but hopefully my future turns out to be brighter than what it feels right now and hopefully I build a home the way I see it and would like, God willing ♥

What do you see when you think of building a home?

Quote of the Day

If you can build a home with genuine love, happiness, and teach important life lessons with kindness, there’s nothing that can hurt your home.
We’re only Dreaming pt. 1

26 Oct 2018

Nick took this photo of me at one of the last places we went to at the park I grew up at. I told him I wanted to put together a blog on how I miss my youth and growing up. Never got around to posting the blog but I loved the photos he took of me that night..

It’s 3am and my allergies have been a mess all damn day long. I’m eating chicken noodle soup and drinking the ‘Breathe Deep’ Yogi tea. I don’t know what about the tea it is, but that shit always helps with my scratchy throat when my allergies start acting up.

I guess now would be a good time to talk about all the dreams I’ve been having of Nick..

They tend to call these “visitations” when someone you love has passed away and enters a dream it’s supposed to mean that they want to see you.

So I’ve been told.

Since the first time I dreamt of Nick, I’ve kept a tracking of every dream and tried to figure out what each one means. I really do feel like it’s him and when I share stories with people who have had similar experiences, they too have told me similar things that have happened in their dreams like how they’ve happened in mine.

Dream 1

This dream was the day after he passed

I dreamt he had everyone convinced that he was dead but he was actually alive and we were at someone’s house watching shows. I kept following him around to get him to talk. I kept asking him what that stunt was about and got so mad at him because he wouldn’t talk to me. I even cornered him in a hallway and he still wouldn’t tell me because he just refused to talk to me about it.. He kept giving me this dirty look almost like I knew the answer as to why.

Dream 2

The only thing I can remember was us being in some sort of jungle area golfing and just spending time together.

Dream 3

He was helping me with stuff around the house and we had gotten new furniture we were going to put in the house. My sister was over and painted a picture for me and he added me to a group chat he had going with his friends because he was watching some videos on his phone from the trip he had just gotten back from and I wanted to know who his friends were.

He left somewhere and came back and when he walked in through the door I could feel something was different. That feeling of when you know you’re going to get broken up with. The feeling someone feels when they’re done.. I kept having the urge to tell him to not take his own life because I would hate that but in the dream I was never able to get around to it and then he left again..

Dream 4

He told me he wanted to show me something from the neighbor on his phone and I started to argue with him about what the conversation sounded like and who the person in the video was that he was watching… I left to the store and when I came back it’s like I knew he had passed away and a neighbor asked from upstairs where he was and I told them he passed away. When I walked into the apartment again he was gone and the apartment was completely empty.

Dream 5

This was a short dream and all I can remember is that he was at the front desk of a hotel checking us in. Made sense because when we first met we were always staying in hotels trying to make long distance work.

Dream 6

If there’s any of these dreams that seemed like he was REALLY trying to communicate with me and tell me something, it’s this one…..

I dreamt we were at some bridal party in California and I was going to the beach afterwards. He handed me his phone and I found videos of him showing “things” to people he shouldn’t be showing on snapchat. I told him that he and I needed to kind of take a break that I couldn’t handle what I saw.. Nick started crying and my friend Geo was in the dream and she had kind of grabbed him by his head to hug him and comfort him and then stepped away.

I moved and stood behind him and he was leaning over the kitchen sink and in a really serious tone of voice he was telling me that I was right and that he loved me and cared about me but he thought we should break up.

He said he would be staying in California and me in Vegas.. Like we were agreeing to both go our separate ways..

I woke up from this dream and just layed in bed almost with a sense of peace. It was weird, I was really upset but for some reason I didn’t have the urge to cry. I just felt like this was the breakup dream. This dream was on 10/20/18 a month exactly after he passed away. I’m just not ready to say goodbye or let go and even if that’s what he thinks, I can’t move on that quickly…

Dream 7

This was a very very strange night for me..

This was on Wednesday 10/24 going into Thursday 10/25/18

I went to dinner with some friends because my friend Jessica just got her real estate license so the gang all went out to celebrate. When I got home I was feeling almost like I was getting sick so I took some NyQuil and fell asleep around 2:30am. I woke up at 4:30am because I had to pee but when I got up I just had a really really strange feeling in the room.. I felt scared and it’s not like me to feel like that because hell, I can watch scary movies and go to bed and be fine and not think anything of it. For some reason the room seemed a lot darker than normal and I was looking around almost like I was checking to make sure nothing was in the room. It was so cold and I just felt like there was something there with me. I got scared and went out to the living room. I turned on a light and fell asleep on the couch which is really strange because I can’t really willingly fall asleep on the couch.

And so I started to dream

Nick and I were driving through California talking in the car just how we used to.

We went to his house and were hanging out with his family all of us talking and hanging out just like how we used to on the holidays.

There was a flashback of me speaking at the memorial again almost like he was highlighting this moment.

The dream switched, Nick was telling me of someplace really windy where if you go there you can almost blow away because of how strong the wind is.

There was a point we were all talking and there was a lot going on when all of sudden I was woken up to what sounded like a super heavy big box being slammed in the middle of the fucking living room.

I got SOOOO FUCKING SCARED. It was like some paranormal activity shit when the girl is laying in bed and hears a loud slam against her wall, yeah like that. I layed there and did not move because I had no fucking idea what that noise was. It was 8:30am and I had to be up at 9am. I was racking my brain trying to think of what packages came to my house that I didn’t send to my moms address. I got up and checked the front door and there was nothing. I then checked the patio and again, nothing. I took it as a sign of Nick telling me to wake the fuck up and start packing shit. I move on Halloween and still have nothing packed. It’s too painful for me to think of or want to do but I know it needs to get done this weekend.. I need to start moving things into the storage.. I’ve never had something like this happen. Had I not gone to the living room, I wouldn’t of heard anything because I sleep with the door closed.

Aside from all the dreams I’ve been having there have been a few mediums that have came into the salon who have sensed my whole situation and have had messages for me. I’ve never had that happen before with someone who passes away. I don’t know if it’s because I’m putting so much energy out there because of this situation but it has been very interesting. I’m just grateful for all the things I’ve been told about how he’s just in a better place. I can rest easy knowing he’s getting help and that he’s healing.

I’ll be sure to keep posting more of the dreams I have in hopes that someone will know what some of these dreams might be trying to tell me. Some feel like messages and others feel like Nick wanting to just spend time together…
A Star is Born

25 Oct 2018

October 22nd, 2018

It’s 1am and I’m currently drinking stress relief tea in the cup Nick used to drink his tea and drinks out of that his father let me keep. Dan saw me drinking out of it and let me keep it and it made me happy to be able to sit down with him that day and just talk and have coffee with him.

I decided to go to the movies alone finally.. I wanted to be alone because that was just what Nick and I did and it was OUR thing so I wanted to honor that still.

I went to the 10:00pm showing and grabbed a cherry slushy since we got one almost every time we went to a movie.

I don’t know what it is but I just feel close to him when I go out and do the things we used to do together. It makes me sad but also gives me comfort.

As I’ve stated before, the movies is where Nick and I always went together. It was the one place we spent the most time together at. I haven’t been ready to do it but I really wanted to go see A Star is Born with Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper really bad and I just know we would have definitely gone to see it together.

I’m not sure if some of you have seen the original or the Barbara Streisand one but the whole movie was about Gaga becoming famous because of her Rock Star boyfriend that fell in love with her but he has a dark past that seems to really fuck with his present life. He’s a drunk and she finds herself helping him through it all and trying to just save him from himself and tries to get him help and that’s all that I’ll say because I don’t want to completely spoil the movie. That’s just a brief idea of what the movie was like. Just such a beautiful beautiful movie. I really enjoyed the remake.

I felt like I could really relate to the movie in a sense of trying to help someone but loving them through all the things they might do to upset you just focusing on the true love you have for each other.

I knew to prepare myself emotionally for going back to Red Rock to see a movie and for the love story in general but I had no idea how intense the ending would be and how close to home it hit. It really destroyed me to say the least..

I wonder if I might be a glutton for pain or something weird because I find myself hurting myself by doing these things but all of this hurt has helped me cry so hard and get all the pain out. I’m not trying to get rid of the pain because I’m trying to let myself feel and grieve but I just feel like this is what I NEED to help me build my strength and get through this eventually..

I sat in one of the really high areas because I just knew I was going to be a mess there being alone. I used to lay on him or he would rub my back or arm.

The movie was over and I sat there just staring at the screen with tears in my eyes waiting for everyone to leave and for the first time every single person left quick and I was there all alone. The credits were rolling and I caught a glimpse with someone with the last name ‘Ramos’.. Nicks middle name was Ramos.

I made my way down the stairs and realized Red Rock has started to add letters to their rows so you can find where you sat easier. The first letter I saw on my way down was N and of course just took it as another sign that he was there with me that night.

It was the coldest feeling leaving the movies without him. He would always be following behind me either rubbing my back or holding my hand or arm.

I felt like a zombie walking through the casino and was tearing up on my way back to my car. I got in my car and just lost it.

It hurt so much not having him next to me to talk all about the movie and to see what we agreed on and didn’t agree on. It’s all those intimate and deep connections that I was missing at this moment. I drove home with just the blankest stare. Tears kept flooding my eyes but all I could see through them were the flash backs of all the times we came together.

I got home and put my things down choking down emotions without getting too overwhelmed because I wanted to be strong and just understand but as I did that I had to brace myself over my counter and just cry my eyes out until I started to feel weak enough crying to sit on the floor and just look at everything he left on the coffee table on his last day. The pain all felt like it was the first day everything happened. Again, I realize I can’t control these emotions and realize this is just grieving. I’m such a controlled person and I am not used to these feelings so letting them flow and swim is very hard for me.

I’m starting to realize I can’t handle the pain as much as I could when I first had to deal with everything. It’s getting a lot harder and every night it’s either wine or Xanax or both.

I decided to take my Xanax and lay on the couch and watch shows.. I fell asleep on the couch around 2-3am and I normally don’t do that. I woke up around 5am and went to sleep in the room.

Most people think I’m crazy for seeing that movie alone but honestly I rather have this pain hurt me now and have it hurt more than ever than have to deal with it over and over again because of avoiding it. That’s why I tell everyone how I’m feeling and why and when because it’s so important to keep track of how your grieving to make sure that you’re dealing with everything in the appropriate way. I know we all have ways of grieving but this is definitely mine and I know Nick wouldn’t want me to be sad forever or to be going to the movies alone all the time because that was he and I’s thing to do. He would want me going with my friends.

I know in my heart through all of this, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, I just don’t know when I’ll reach it. As much as it feels like it’s the end of the world I know I will get through this pain and be able to go to the places we went to together and not come home feeling destroyed. I’m young and just remind myself every day that I need to continue to live. Nick would want me to continue to live and be happy. I just try to live with keeping that love I have for him always in my heart..

“Wish I could, I could’ve said goodbye
I would’ve said what I wanted to
Maybe even cried for you
If I knew it would be the last time
I would’ve broke my heart in two
Tryin’ to save a part of you”
Invasive Emotions

20 Oct 2018

It’s 9pm and it’s 65 degrees out.

Normally it doesn’t get cold in Vegas until November, so it feels like we skipped fall and went straight to winter and it has my emotions kind of messed up.

Nick and I met in September of 2015 so the times he came to visit me or I went there, the season was already changing to winter so I would always cuddle up close to him.

It’s been a month since Nick passed away and it still kind of feels like yesterday but it kind of also feels like a year has gone by.

Grieving is the most invasive and hurtful thing to go through, especially when you’re going through it because you lost someone you really loved.

When you love someone so much and lose them, like I lost Nick, it really is devastating. Loss is hard in general but when your heart is fully invested and you lose the person who had your heart, it fucking hurts like hell. Not like it’s not supposed to but it’s a different kind of hurt. A hurt that just feels like your heart was ripped from you and stepped on.

I’m realizing there’s different levels of grief.

Every day feels like a blur.

Every week that goes by feels like it went by very quick. I can barely get a hold of myself. I can barely think. When I sing in the car sometimes I forget the words even though I’ve heard the same song over and over. I can definitely feel how this is affecting me and it’s scary but it just hurts so much every day not having him here.

I definitely have had days where I feel fine and I get through without crying but there’s triggers and when I get that trigger I break down and let out everything that had been pent up the past 2 days or however many days that went by without me crying.

I used to tell myself I couldn’t imagine living without him, hell we even did a suicide prevention walk and yet here I am having to try and having to learn how to live again.

I ordered 2 necklaces to put his ashes in just to feel close to him and find myself wearing the baseball one the most. He loved baseball and sometimes I remember coming home and he would be blaring it so loud I could hear it before I even walked into the house lol.

I’ll also wear some of his T-shirts that he never wore that I gave him. I found an Eleven Paris Star Wars shirt in his drawer that he never wore! So I took that shit and wear it to sleep now.

I have no idea if I’m grieving correctly or if I’m just hurting myself more

but

I’m finding myself going places we used to go to together just to find comfort in being there and thinking of all the things we did. It makes me cry every time I do it but I feel almost like it helps me get more closure when I do it because it hurts enough to make me stop and appreciate the good times and just try to move on. It’s my way of trying to normalize life again and be able to go to these places we went to and not cry so much but again, to just remember the good times and laugh and appreciate/honor his memory.. It’s extremely difficult and hard to do but I need this pain to hurt me so bad that I can begin to rebuild myself and come back to Brian because I do not feel like Brian at allllll.

I’ll be posting a lot more about the places we went to and the things we did together. I want to write and try to talk about this entire situation for what it is in detail because I hope if there’s anyone out there grieving, that these posts and words will help.

The only way I can describe how I’m feeling is like being violated.

The pain comes in so invasively and randomly and leaves me feeling so empty, lonely, used and abused and just feeling without hope. I try and try to push the pain out of my mind but it’s almost impossible once it starts and as much as I try to stop it it just keeps hurting me and I just keep wishing it would stop.

I tend to bounce back and remind myself often than not that he was in a lot of pain but it still doesn’t make it any better.. I still walk into the bedroom and just cannot believe that he’s gone. I really can’t. The house being so quite alone freaks me out and makes me think about him and cry because I would always come home to the TV on and him either cooking or watching TV waiting for me to get home and welcome me with a hug and kiss..

Wednesday October 10th, 2018

I went with my mom to go pick up my rental. It was the night before the memorial and I was going to drive at night but I could not sleep and still can’t unless I’ve taken my Xanax from all the anxiety that piles up in the day. The only place really open late to rent a car is the airport so I went to pick it up.

It didn’t register to me until I went but Nick used to work at this Hertz back when we first moved in together. It was a seasonal position but he worked really long days and I drove past the same area where I would pick him up from work..

I walked up the stairs to the car lot where the rentals were and Hertz does this thing now where they leave the car keys in the car and you just get the car you want and check out on your way out. It’s way quick.

I originally reserved a Dodge Dart just because I’m familiar with Dodges and the problems that can happen with them since I drive an Avenger.

So I’m looking for it and the guy told me I could pick ANY car from this lot so I’m looking around and see 2 dodge challengers that I remembered we had taken up to Mammoth Lake when my best friend Kayla got married. I looked the other way and there was the one and only convertible Chevy Camaro! I wasted no time and took the Camaro.

I remember I would ask Nick what his dream car was, affordable and non affordable and he was so simple, he would just say he wanted a truck lol. I was like BABE I WANT A BENTLEY OR A LAMBORGHINI etc etc. But for an affordable car I would tell him I wanted a Camaro and wanted to deck it out like Batman’s car! I just felt like that was him there for sure telling me BABY GET IN!

The car was all alone. No cars around it and doubles of every other car. This Camaro just so happened to have California plates too! I was driving that shit with the top down in no time! Driving and beating it up like I stole it lol.

Thursday October 11th, 2018

I drove out for the memorial early in the morning and didn’t get into town until about 3pm. I got ready and

The turn out for Nicks memorial was amazing. His family was only expecting about 80 people if that and it was well over 100 people that showed up. I didn’t take any photos with people or of the memorial because I felt like it wasn’t really appropriate.

His family was so happy as was I. Nick really did have so many people that loved him.

I presented my speech that I shared with you all and that was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to read in front of people but I also felt myself come alive a little and joke with everyone because I really wanted it to be uplifting and not all sad.

Here’s the link in case you haven’t read it yet and would like to

Everyone seemed to have enjoyed it and I even had some people he knew come up to me telling me that I’ve changed them and changed their heart and it gave me joy because that’s what we’re all here to do, to help other people realize things and to just spread love and understanding to people who might not understand. I feel like the message got across to a lot of people that might not understand things or understand what it’s like being gay and in a relationship in general. Most importantly, I was happy that people saw how much we loved each other and how special our love was that we had because it was the biggest message I had for everyone.

Friday October 12th, 2018

This was the day after the memorial.

I had a plan when going to California that I was going to go to LA at least twice to visit friends and family but because of the circumstances I was under I just felt like planning was not the right idea and I was sooooo tired this day. I slept most of the day and when I woke up I had some coffee with Nicks dad and talked to his mom more about everything and we watched a few home videos of him as a kid and I just couldn’t keep watching, it was tearing my entire being apart seeing how adorable he was as a kid and just knowing he isn’t here anymore. I couldn’t do it. I decided to just take the rest of the day slow and just relax. We went to dinner that night with his parents and just chatted a bit about some of the things Nick would do and I just really felt like he was around. It just broke my heart a little because I know his family is really struggling with this and I just couldn’t imagine living with knowing my child passed away.

So instead of going to LA I decided to just be home with his family as much as possible to just try and be there for them as much as I can.

Saturday October 13th, 2018

I went to Santa Monica beach to see the sunset and walk around at night. I wanted to be alone for this moment and appreciate the time we spent at the beach when we went back in 2015. I got there around 5pm in time for the sunset. I was afraid it was going to rain because of how overcast it was but it didn’t instead the clouds made the sunset look even more beautiful.

Parking was a fucking shit show. All the hotels were the only ones really offering parking and there were a shit ton of people walking around. I remembered why I get so much anxiety driving in LA.

I dressed in the clothes I used to wear when we went to the pools. It was pretty cold and everyone was in at least jeans and a T-shirt and light jacket but I didn’t care I wanted to dress up.

The sunset was the most breathtaking thing I had ever seen. I’ve never seen one so nice or in general at the beach.

I pulled out my head phones and listened to music as I saw each wave come in and leave.

There’s signs and things everywhere that allow you to be able to apply how you’re feeling and find peace, you just have to look for those things you can relate to.

For me this calling was the ocean.

For some reason I just felt like the beach is where I needed to go and needed to be. I’m glad I went because I’ve never felt so close to water before..

I would watch as each tide came in and put ridges and cracks in the sand and leave the surface looking jagged but then the tides would come back and smooth the surface again. There were waves rolling in small and some were big and at that moment I felt my emotions so closely related to the water and shore. There’s times my emotions roll in like tides, sometimes a little bit and sometimes really strong. Sometimes my shore feels jagged from the pain I feel but after awhile things smooth out and the shore looks smooth until the next tide comes in and ruins the surface again.

I stood there crying because it was one of the very first places Nick and I went to when we first met. Walking the beach at night with someone I loved was something I always wanted to do, I’m lucky I was able to do that with him around the time we met. My best friend Meagan was with us that night, she was behind us taking our photos because she knew how happy I was and wanted to capture every moment. I really fell fast for Nick. When we first met, our chemistry was so magnetic. I instantly liked him and he instantly liked me and since we felt so comfortable with each other, it was easy to jump into things as fast as we did.

I looked around and saw tons of couples together and kissing and I almost felt bitter about it.. I’ve never not been happy for other people but seeing so many people doing what we did and me feeling left out just really upset me. I’m sure I’ll get past that feeling but everything is just so fresh and my emotions are running way high with everything.

Sunday October 14th, 2018

It was my last day in town and I wanted to go to the ice cream shop we would always go to when we would go back to Bakersfield to visit his family. The place is called Dewars and it’s some of the best ice cream I’ve ever had.

So I filled up my gas tank at Costco and headed straight to Dewars before hitting the road.

It was the busiest I had ever seen it honestly. Normally when Nick and I would go it would be like 2 other people but almost the entire place was packed. I sat at the very end of the bar area where we would sit and I had oreo cookie/cookie dough ice cream and just reflected back on the times we went there. There were some emotions but again I just felt close to him since we had been there together.

I had to return my rental by 11pm and it was now 6pm when I finally got on the road, so I needed to kind of be quick getting home because I wanted to stop by Peggy Sues 50’s diner. I’ve never been there but ever since I bought my car and would drive to California, I’d always see the signs but never stopped by because of one reason or another. I was determined to go and it was the cutest restaurant I’ve ever been to.

I couldn’t help but walk around and take photos of everything. The place was huge and there was memorabilia EVERYWHERE.

Ever since Nick passed away I always get these images in my head of him randomly or I’ll feel like he’s in the same room with me when I’m alone. It’s times that this happens that I know he’s around. As I sat there eating my burger (which I don’t eat meat but I was this weekend so fuck it) I had the strangest feeling that he and Joey were there with me having dinner. I went around and took photos and just enjoyed my last night in town before returning back to Vegas. I got back in just in time for the rental to be dropped off.

I’m not sure if I’m becoming more sensitive to spirituality or whatever it is out there but I definitely feel like this situation has changed me. I’m a lot more patient with things and don’t stress about dumb shit as much anymore. I’m normally the type of person who needs to fix something right away but recently I’ve just said screw it all. Things will always work out and it’s pointless to always be stressed or worried.

It sucks that sometimes it takes someone passing away for you to change or realize how you’re acting or to see the way you’re living and seeing that maybe half of it is wrong and that you need to change. If Nick wouldn’t have passed away I probably wouldn’t be doing half of what I do now…

I find myself asking for receipts to everything to cover my ass for any reason down the road. I’ll take photos of things in order to remember what I know I’ll forget. I’ll write things down on sticky notes or on a notepad so that I don’t forget what I need to do. I’ll ask more questions than anything. He would do all these things and it just showed me how proactive he was and how much I grew with him to carry on these same habits of his.

To end this post I want everyone reading this to text a loved one, family or friend and just tell them you love them and how much you appreciate them for such and such reason. This is one thing I’m glad I did with Nick all the time because there is not a doubt in my mind that I didn’t say it enough.. Appreciate the people you have and let them know you love them because we are all on borrowed time and are not promised tomorrow.

I love you all

♥
Painting Memories with Tears

12 Oct 2018

October 10, 2018

Brian Amador

Dear Nick,

I don’t exactly know where to start with writing to you.. I’m still in disbelief that you’re gone and still kind of refuse to accept it.. I keep thinking you’ll knock on the door and say that there was a mistake and that you’re alive.. I think I’m having trouble believing this is all true and really feel the emptiness and darkness without you in my life… I wrote down every word that’s written on my heart and hope you’re here today to listen..

When you passed away I felt a part of me die and the world felt a lot more colder… I now understand what it feels like to be so connected to someone that you feel like 1 person but I have also learned to understand what an empty void inside feels like as well… What it feels like to have so many people who care about you around but still feel so lonely because your lover is no longer in this world..

I knew the minute that I met you that we were going to be together forever.. I instantly fell for you from the beginning. The first week alone felt like 3 months. Within 3 weeks I already felt committed to you even though we were still just getting to know each other and a year felt like an eternity with you.

The love we had was so unconditional and so pure… We truly were crazy about each other and crazy in love… I’ve never had anyone love me as much as you did.. I’ve never had anyone give me everything I wanted without me asking like you did.. The times you’d surprise me with gifts I had never thought I’d get were the times I knew in my heart that you truly knew me and just wanted to see me happy. You’d give me the world if you could..

You were Heaven on earth

For the first time in my life I experienced real true love and now I know what that looks like because you showed me love and taught me how to love… I grew with you and all my friends and family saw that… I changed 360 for the better and when we moved in I learned what it was to be an adult and be in a relationship working on things together..

I don’t know how to live without you and learning how to is going to be my hardest task yet because you found me when I was so lost and so broken… You helped pick me up when I was down.. You hugged me when I’d cry… You took me out of my dark place and for that I am eternally grateful for you… We really did do everything in our power to be together and there was nothing and no one to separate us from each other..

Your parents did an amazing job raising you because you have the most family values out of anyone I’ve ever met.. Often times it seemed like you had read it out of a book and went with it but that goes to show that your parents really love you and did so good raising you..

I’m sorry for the way I spoke to you sometimes, I’m sorry for the way I might of treated you… I’m sorry if I put too much pressure on you to get help or talk to me more about what was going on with you…. I’m sorry if I ever hurt you… Please just know and understand that every time we argued it’s because I truly cared deep down inside and just tried and wanted to see you happy and not in so much pain all the time….

Life wasn’t fair to you and you didn’t deserve the pain you were in and I can only imagine how you felt every day…

Pt. 2

Who he was when we were together

When we first moved in Nick and I both had a lot of soul searching to do and work within ourselves that needed to get done. Living together taught me to not walk away from situations anymore. It taught me to sit down like an adult and talk things out that I might not agree with instead of running for the hills. Sometimes we would have to agree to disagree and that was fine. Regardless of how many disagreements we had, it was the love that always kept us together.. It was the fire we had for each other that kept the relationship always burning bright and leaving a trail for everyone to follow and see. He set my heart on fire and it was a flame brighter than I had ever felt.

He had a love for animals especially dogs. Any time the neighbors had their dogs outside he would always go up to them and pet them and be outside for a good half an hour. I’d walk out and be like where the hell is he? Just outside with the neighbors dogs lol.

1 thing I COULD NOT STAND is when he couldn’t sleep so instead he would start cleaning! I would get sooooo angry because I’d be trying to sleep and I’d hear trash cans rumbling and plastic bags being filled with shit that was all over the house that we didn’t need. Things dropping, or he would full blown have 3 projects going on around the house to where I’d get so much anxiety I’d have to go to sleep and not think about it lol. I’ll never forget the time he superglued his fingers together doing God knows what at 2am so I had to go to the kitchen and get a glass and fill it with acetone and have him soak his fingers until they came undone lol.

He was always helping me with all my social media junk I’d be doing and always taking my pictures. He started to really get good at it and understand photography. See with Nick you always had to lead him you couldn’t exactly tell him all the time what to do because he wouldn’t do it, we were very much so alike in that aspect. But I knew it was hard for him to do new things because he’d get so discouraged if things didn’t go right. Knowing me and always trying to take his mind off the craziness of the world I always wanted to get him out and get him to try new things one way or another so that he could really experience life and get off the couch.

Nick was always pretty kept to himself. For the most part he would always be on the couch playing video games and watching TV. Most of the time I’d have to drag him out with me everywhere and I’d always HATE when he would ask me if he wanted me to have him go where I was going. I’d always reply with YES I WANT YOU TO COME OTHERWISE I WOULDN’T ASK. He would always do this because he knew what reaction I’d give him lol. Every time I came home from work I’d walk through the door and hear a number of different ways he’d greet me from

HI BABE!

AHHHHH I’M NAKED!

QUICK MY BOYFRIENDS HERE LEAVE THROUGH THE BACK!

WHO’S THERE?!

And I’m sure there’s a ton more out there that I’ll think of. Every day he would change it up lol.

After he was done messing with me I’d put my things down and give him would I like to call our bird kisses where we would peck each other on the lips a bunch of times. It always made me feel closer and always worked as a reminder of how much we loved each other.

He always HATEDDDD when I’d see him in the bathroom shaving or tweezing something from his face and I’d walk in and just say “I HAVE TO PEE” and I’d sit down and pee right in front of him and he always thought it was the weirdest thing ever and get SOOOO MAD AT ME LIKE, SO MAD. Sometimes if he was in the bathroom long with the door locked I’d put my hand under the door and be like “BABE DO YOU NEED SOME HELP?! LET ME HELP YOU TAKE MY HAND! THIS IS MY GOOD HAND!” and he’d be so freaked out and be like “GO AWAY!”

For his birthday he never liked to do anything, his idea was just sitting at home making dinner and watching TV. I obviously had other plans. So I’d tell him sorry babe but I already made dinner reservations so you don’t really have a choice anymore. So we would go to dinner and do whatever else he wanted to do. Since our birthdays were only 6 days apart we always celebrated both birthday on mine because everyone knew I already had some big ass plan setup for it with of course dinner somewhere nice.

Our favorite thing to do every month was go to the movies. We went to the movies easily 3-4 times a month. We would see every good movie that was out possible. That was our 1 thing we would always do. It was cheap and I loved to snuggle with him in the movie theater.

I’d always take him out with me and make him talk to random people, like I would, and always let him know who was who and who he should talk to to help him get into hotel and to follow his dream of being in hospitality again.

Instead he went on to be a dealer for the meantime and was going to try and work his way up. He was very very good at it. He went to school for it for a solid year and started doing tournaments until Planet Hollywood rehired him after the Goliath Tournament over the summer.

I liked taking him places I went to as a kid because Vegas has some neat mountain scenery such as:

Bonnie Springs, Spring Mountain Ranch State Park, Red Rock etc.

One of the last places I took him was Ansan park I grew up going to as a kid. It’s a South Korean themed park in Vegas.

I remember us taking pictures of each other because I wanted to put together a blog post on how nostalgic the park makes me feel. We walked around the park and I told him a ton of memories of the things I’d do there and where I would get hurt. Afterwards we walked across the street and I told him all the memories of how I grew up and the things that scared me as a kid. I like to believe that every city, state, neighborhood all has a vibe that sets the mood. The neighborhood I grew up in had a restless vibe to it and growing up I would always stay up really late with my sister and sometimes watch the sunrise with her and all our friends.

I continued to tell Nick all of these memories because I wanted him to know me more and understand me more and where I came from. He never really opened up completely to me so I felt like if I did maybe he would too..

Not all of us can open up easily and sometimes the past is so painful to talk about because of the curve balls that life likes to throw. Although Nick opened up as much as he could I cherished all of it because I knew he was trying and definitely did let me know who he was but most importantly, he showed me what his heart looked like and that’s something no one could ever take away from me or compare to. That love he gave me was incredible and is not something everyone is blessed enough to experience..

I was blessed for his family to have accepted me into their circle because sometimes with gay couples there’s always that 1 family that doesn’t agree at all with any of it. Luckily his family welcomed me and my family loved Nick. My nephew would always call him uncle Nick and I’d always tell my nephew to not make Nick uncomfortable since he and I weren’t married lol. My mom would always ALWAYS ask how Nick was doing and to tell him she said hello. He was the first boyfriend of mine that my mom actually really accepted with open arms. She instantly liked him and that wasn’t like her, so I could tell she knew I was in love and very serious.

I was beyond blessed to have met him and experienced what true love really is. Wether I experience it again or not I’m fine with knowing that there was that 1 person I really loved and will always love who loved me the same in return..

Pt. 3

Music

I remember how much I loved to sing to you really loud with my headphones in or in the car to our favorite songs just to see the reaction on your face.. Sometimes you liked them and some songs you couldn’t understand why I would listen to. All in all I always just wanted to shout from the mountains how much I loved you.. I hope some of the songs I’d sing you you’ll always remember because sometimes the words were so perfect and described exactly how I felt about you..

“If I could save time in a bottle
The first thing that I’d like to do
Is to save every day
‘Til eternity passes away
Just to spend them with you

If I could make days last forever
If words could make wishes come true
I’d save every day like a treasure and then,
Again, I would spend them with you

If I had a box just for wishes
And dreams that had never come true
The box would be empty
Except for the memory
Of how they were answered by you”

“Something broke in me and I wanted to go home
To be where you are
But even closer to you, you seem so very far
And now I’m reaching out with every note I sing
And I hope it gets to you on some pacific wind
Wraps itself around you and whispers in your ear
Tells you that I miss you and I wish that you were here..”

“Think I’ll miss you forever like the stars miss the sun in the morning sky.”

“And there’s no mountain too high

No river too wide

Sing out this song and I’ll be there by your side

Storm clouds may gather

And stars may collide

But I love you

Until the end of time”

“Nothing left to tell you dear except each day feels like a year…. Everybody’s thinking of you….PS: I love you…”

Part 4

How I miss you..

I wake up in the morning and see all the little foods around the house that you’d eat like your chocolate muffins in the morning or your ice cream in the freezer and I feel my heart break more because you were so innocent and so pure of heart and such a kid like me… I think about how I’m going to feel on those rainy days where we’d cuddle on the couch real close and watch movies and shows.. I can’t drive by the strip without crying my eyes out.. I can’t go to the movies because that was our thing we did together..

I’m left at night with a room of tears and your photo next to me on the bed because I feel so alone…

When I look at photos of you or photos of us together all I can think of is how much I miss kissing you and hugging you…

Or how I’d sit on top of you on the couch as your rubbed my back to calm me down from all the stress of the day.

I find myself singing to you so you know what song I’m listening to and so you know the song is dedicated to you and that I’m thinking about you and missing you with every word I sing..

I keep running to parts of the house when I hear a noise just in hopes that I’ll catch a glimpse of you and when I go out I search in far away distances in hopes that you’ll be somewhere looking back at me…

I come home to the house in hopes that something will be moved around so that I know you’re with me…

The things you left on the table on your last day are still there because I refuse to move or throw anything away.. I find myself finishing the water bottles you left behind because I miss your touch and that’s all I have left that you left behind that you touched…

The notebooks in your backpack when I went to pick up your belongings are now in my backpack because I will never take your things apart since that was how you left them..

Often times I’ll find myself pouring 2 drinks just to feel like you’re still here and like we’re doing things just how we used to every night..

when I go through your clothes I break down because I know the time is coming that I’m going to have to pack this all up and move on but I’m just not ready to leave yet.. I have some of your clothes next to my bed just so I have something of you near me… I keep your ID in my pocket to have you close since it’s the only form I have you in now…

When I eat I make sure to pull out your ID and just pretend that you’re next to me.

Going through photos and videos of us ruins me and reading these words alone just rip my heart out.. All I’m left with is a box of memories and video footage of the endless love we shared. It breaks my heart to go through these memories but looking at how happy we were in these photos lets me know that we truly were in love and truly did make our relationship work and always kept that flame alive no matter what bump in the road we encountered…

Pt. 5

Goodbye

Lord,
Nick is gone now from this earthly dwelling,
and has left behind those who mourn his absence.
Grant that we may hold his memory dear,
never bitter for what we have lost
nor in regret for the past,
but always in hope of the eternal Kingdom
where you will bring us together again.
Through Christ our Lord.
Amen.

I guess this is the end of our road.. As much as I don’t want to say goodbye this is by far the hardest one I’ve ever had to do…

To end this I just want to say that I appreciate everything you did for me-for us.. I’ll never forget all the kind gestures such as making dinner for me when you knew I had a really long day at work. For always working through things with me no matter how frustrated I’d get. I’ll never forget when you’d come to bed late thinking I was asleep and you’d kiss my head or arm and tell me you love me softly as you quietly got comfortable in bed… You were so tender at loving and so sweet and caring.

I felt your love every. single. day

I’ll continue to love you and promise to never forget you and honor you and honor what we had because it truly truly was something so special..

You were the center of my universe

I’ll always have you in my thoughts and prayers

Love is something not every one experiences. Some people have to wait years and years to find it, some find it and don’t appreciate it, and some people lose it… I’m blessed to say that I was able to have met you, to have met such a wonderful, caring and loving man like you.

But just like learning how to love I’ve also learned what true heartbreak is now and what it feels like to have this heart of mine breaking with every memory that comes to mind or how much I miss you in bed or how I miss you in the car with me.. I miss my best friend..

I’ve never asked God why so many times in my life…

Now I stand here with my heart in my hand. Feeling like we were just star crossed lovers meant to meet at another time..

Just like the saying goes

“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return…”

We were both Capricorns and because of that I’ll always feel your Saturn rings around my heart, always encompassing and always protecting me now and forever.

I love you so much Nick and I miss you with all of my being and wherever you are, know that I love you and I miss you and think about you every day..

Forever and always your

Baby Husband Squirrel

🐿❤️🐻

I love you..
Change is near

29 Aug 2018

This past month has really been a whirl wind for me. There’s so much going on and changing that it’s almost hard to believe how much has been going on in my life but I couldn’t be happier.

The beginning of this month one of my really good friends got married and when I came back from vacation I started immediately working with companies online that are looking for influencers and bloggers to promote their product. This has always been something I’ve wanted to do online because ever since I was a little kid I always wanted to do some sort of modeling. I also received some very veryyyy exciting news from work this past week that I CANNOT wait to share with every one. I’ll reveal in a different post 😉

I’ve slowly been getting back into doing photoshoots and it’s been exciting to see how far I’ve come with knowing who I am and being more confident in front of the camera and to have more of a better idea of what I’m doing. I’m much more aware of my facial features (good side, bad side) and how to work with my body and poses.

The way this all works is I’ll receive a text almost every morning from companies that want to collaborate with me. So what they’ll do is send me product and in return I have to review the product, use the hash tags they want and they give you a week to do it.

My main goal with this would to be to sign with an agency in LA and get paid work. This new venture with Instagram allows me to see what it’s like to go to meet a client and get accepted to do gigs and do certain jobs that they require.

So I do apologize if my Instagram has been looking very commercial I’m just really passionate about it and if I ever did sign with an agency Commercial and Editorial would be the route I’d want to take. That’s been my #1 dream.

I’ve never been so busy in my life not even when I worked 3-4 jobs lol. I work 4-7 days a week with work sometimes and then have to find the time to travel somewhere to take photos for these companies since I don’t want to take all my photos at home. I like to be creative and really put my best foot forward so I figure traveling to take photos and doing location shots looks more professional and better.

I have like no time right now to do much besides work but that’s fine because I have a clear goal in mind with work and modeling and I’m just darting for it. I recently was talking to my friend Meagan on the phone and she mentioned how we used to party all the time and why I haven’t hung out with certain people that we all use to hang out with and the truth is simply because I’ve been so busy. I feel bad for neglecting a lot of friends but I just have very little desire right now to be partying and going out a lot. I’m trying to keep my head level so that once I get where I want to be and feel comfortable, I can go out and live my life to the fullest like I used to.

I guess this is where they say you’re growing up and being an adult. It definitely feels like I’m growing up because I’m not worried so much about buying clothes and cameras but thinking about saving to buy a house and making more money to support myself and the lifestyle I want to live.

I hope every one has been enjoying my stories and posts! I’ll be revealing more later ❤
Gold Mountain Beauty

27 Aug 2018

This weekend I had time to try out a new skin care line that I’m adding to my skin care regime.

As a Cosmetologist, I am not only in love with hair but with skin care as well.

I’m really picky with the type of products I use on my face simply because I have troublesome skin, so I can’t use any random thing.

I have sensitive skin and its combination meaning my T-zone can be really oily and the rest of my face can be dry depending on the products I use on it.

For my cleansers I like to stick to products that are either anti-aging and moisturizing or for sensitive skin. For my T-zone I’ll use something that’s for really oily skin so that all of my face is on the same page when I want to do a mask. You want to treat the areas of your skin as you would hair. You can’t slap bleach on someone’s hair if you know there’s fragile areas because you’ll break it all off, same goes for skin. You want to treat the areas differently in order to not irritate all of it.

I’ve used many different masks and have noticed that Volcanic Ash or Activated Charcoal masks have really made a big impact on my sensitive skin.

My skin has benefitted most from organic face masks. I feel the ingredients are very effective yet gentle which is exactly what my skin needs.

There’s a brand that I recently discovered called

Gold Mountain Beauty

I tried their Charcoal Mask to see what it was all about and definitely loved the fact my face felt really soft and much tighter. I can always tell when a product is really good if my face feels really tight after. I tried it on Nick as well to see if he had the same effect and he doesn’t really say much after getting a facial but he could tell this one made his face feel the same as mine.

Ingredients: Dead Sea Clay, Bentonite Clay, Organic Activated Charcoal, Organic Theobroma Cocoa Powder, Organic Witch Hazel Powder, Coconut Milk Powder, Organic Comfrey Root Powder, Organic Marshmallow Powder, Organic Turmeric Powder

But what makes this mask great is that you can use water, Aloe Vera juice or Green Tea to mix it with. You can get as creative as you want.

Activated Charcoal is great if you have acne/blackheads or wrinkles and just want really clean skin.

I then tried the Tuxedo Natural Teeth Whitener-For sensitive skin

Like I have sensitive skin, I also have sensitive teeth! lol

I can’t use really harsh chemicals on my teeth to whiten them because they’ll get so sensitive to the point the dentist can barely do a cleaning on me because of how sensitive to the touch they get. I have to have a system with my teeth as well because of that reason.

I use a sonic tooth brush on my teeth but I always make sure to use sensitive teeth products in order to not get super sensitive teeth.

So I put this product to the test.

First I used a regular tooth brush to brush it in and then used my sonic tooth brush with regular sensitive teeth toothpaste to get the remainder of it out.

I’ve never used an effective tooth whitener like this for sensitive skin so I was curious how my teeth were going to feel the next day.

Any tooth whitener I use I’ll put to the test by drinking cold water the next day because my teeth will be sensitive to the touch in some areas. Not only did my teeth look a little whiter (not too much since I only used it once) but they also weren’t sensitive the next day which means I can continue to use this product. Hopefully nothing changes so I can continue to use it!

Ingredients: Organic Coconut Activated Charcoal, All Natural Bentonite Clay, Organic Mint Extract, Organic Orange Peel Extract

Last to try was the Activated Charcoal Face Mask

This one is slightly different to the first one.

This one I recommend just applying to the area you feel needs to be treated (pimple, T-zone, Oily parts of the skin) because I feel this one was a step more intense than the powder charcoal mask. It’s good to not wear makeup or do anything else after doing a deep cleansing mask like this because you want to give your skin some time to heal and give it a rest until the following day.

Ingredients: De-ionized Water, Bentonite Clay, Titanium Dioxide, Coconut Activated Charcoal, Zinc Oxide, Black Pearl Protein, Flower Extract, Aloe Vera

If you decide to order let me know what you think!

Social Media
Website: Gold Mountain Beauty
Instagram
Seattle

14 Aug 2018

There’s so much to talk about what happened on my trip so in this post I’m going to try and break it all down the easiest way I can so that if you’re reading this you aren’t reading until tomorrow lol.

It’s Tuesday and I’m currently at Bad Owl coffee having a Lavender Latte with only 2 shots because any more than that I’ll go home with the shakes lol.

I’ve spent the entire weekend completely relaxing after last weekend in Seattle. Seattle definitely was beautiful but I’m not sure I could ever see myself living there unless I was like 40 years old with kids. So many people said I wouldn’t want to come back and that it was just so beautiful and sure it was but I absolutely hated the roads. They were so steep and made me nervous and the responsible me could only think about how bad I would fuck my breaks up if I lived there. Every one there rides bikes and all I could think about is how easily someone could completely eat shit going down one of the hills.

Seattle reminded me of a town I’d want to live in if I was older because it’s a more family/business oriented town. It’s home to a ton of headquarters. T-mobile, Amazon, Microsoft etc. etc. they’re all there. Beautiful but in my opinion not much to do and I just seriously hate last call. Since I live in Vegas I truly do not understand it obviously. I don’t like to have a cut off time, I like to have the option of continuing to drink if I want to not having to wait until like 6am to keep drinking or some shit.

But anyways

My really good friend Michelle who I’ve known since I was about 16, got married to the love of her life David!

It’s crazy how you just know which of your friends are going to get married to the people they’re with and such. I always knew they’d get married it was just a matter of when.

A big group of us from town went to the wedding and let me tell you, now I remember why we all are friends and how out of control we are lol.

I flew in Friday night and my friend Aaron picked me up that night from the airport. We met every one at a bar/restaurant in Bellevue Washington called The Pearl. We all had drinks and talked about the wedding and who all was in town for it and such. We were there for maybe an hour and then went upstairs to a nightclub where one of our friends Alex was getting threatened by security to get thrown out just because she was dancing on stuff but it really wasn’t a big deal to me personally but I guess they don’t play that shit in Bellevue lol. So after security threatened to throw her out 3 times we finally left. I was starving anyways so I was ready to go. I had literally gotten off the plane and went so I hadn’t ate anything in hours.

We didn’t have too much of a late night because we had to be up the next day to make it to the out of towners dinner that was from 4-6pm so Aaron and I literally went to go get something to eat and went home.

Saturday

I wanted to go to Gas Works Park and Pike Place before going to the dinner so I figured I might as well get dressed up and head out since I know I wouldn’t have time to get ready before the event. I really wanted to check out Pike Place since every one told me to go there but I definitely felt way overdressed so I was a little uncomfortable.

Gas Works Park was great because Sea Fair was going on that weekend and there were so many tourists out and people out and on the lake with their boats and such.

I saw the “original Starbucks” which wasn’t so original because once I was there I found out that it’s not the exact location where it was opened they moved it a couple stores down to a new location so I kinda felt like it wasn’t the original it was just some bs to get tourists to go. But I definitely was that tourist who bought 2 Starbucks coffee cups as souvenirs for me and my mom lol.

Pike Place was a shit show….

I thought the concept was cool but I feel like I could of gone to downtown LA and gone to the outdoor markets there. I mainly wanted to see the fish throwing at Pike Place but that was it. I think what ruined it for me was the amount of people that were there. It was elbow to elbow people. You could barely walk in the streets. Reminded me way too much of the strip here in Vegas. Millions of people walking to the point you can barely drive and I definitely know what that feels like.

I still had to get a belt for my pants for the wedding on Sunday so I went to Target and then left there just in time to make it to the dinner at 4pm.

I got to the dinner around the time every one else got there and almost the entire time was spent taking photos of each other and with each other since the scenery was beautiful. I got to wear my Moods of Norway outfit that I haven’t wore in forever since I like to only wear it on big occasions since it’s my favorite suit I own.

After the dinner Jessica and I went back to our Airbnb to get ready to go out to dinner and for a night out with Taylor and her friend Mar. I was getting kinda sleepy which sucked because I hadn’t slept well the night before but I had to pull it together! I wanted to see as much of Seattle as I could.

We all had dinner at a restaurant called Japonessa which was absolutely amazing probably some of THEE BEST sushi I’ve ever had. I’m big on Sashimi and their yellowtail Sashimi was fucking off the chain, tender and didn’t smell like the ocean. We were there until about midnight and then we looked up some nightclubs we could go to so Taylor Jessica and I found a gay club called Krewmwork in the area. The name didn’t really register to me because I was just ready to party, until we got there…

IT WAS A FULL BLOWN LESBIAN BAR.

Totally nothing against Lesbians but I have just never been to an all girls nightclub before. I’m used to gays dominating every single Gay club I’ve ever been to, especially in Vegas. Gay men typically run the nightlife so this was all completely new territory for me. To be so honest I was almost a little scared because I didn’t want any of the girls thinking I was a girl since I’m so skinny and wear tight ass clothes and have bleached blonde ass hair so I was staying real close to my girls lmao. But hey they were playing some really good tunes and I was getting DOWNNNN to the Lil Kim hits.

At one point I had to pee so I go piss and mind you their bathroom doors are like saloon type doors, they just swing open and closed. So I’m going pee in the urinal and I could hear a conversation going on right outside the bathrooms since they were both so close to each other and goes exactly like this.

Girl: I HAVE TO PEE!

Her Friend: Go in the guys bathroom!

Girl: “NO THERE’S SOMEONE IN THERE!”

Her Friend: “SO WHAT!”

Moments later this girl legit comes into the guys bathroom which mind you is as big as a closet, legit pops a squat RIGHT NEXT TO MY URINAL I was just peeing thinking to myself omg this is really happening to me lol. So I walk out and just smile and laugh at her because I didn’t want it to be any more awkward than what it already was. That has never happened to me in my life so I was a little freaked out lol.

We leave shortly after and go to a straight club called Foundation Nightclub where Michelle works so we told security we were going to her wedding and they let us all in. It was so dead but we just had a drink and made the most of it until last call hit and every one had to leave.

We then called a Lyft to go to some other bar called Monkey house or Monkey room or some shit. This place apparently is an after hours place only catch is it’s now 2am and no one is serving alcohol. This random guy asks if he can tag along since he’s going too so he gets in with us. I get the glorious chance to sit next to him and he is POURING NIAGRA FALLS SWEAT SOOOO BADDDD. He was wearing some sort of white fucking track pants with a bandana and T-shirt which made no fucking sense to me if you’re out clubbing. The style out there was wack and I did not get it since Vegas nightlife is 100% different. But anyways we get out of the car and my entire left side of my 100% LAMB LEATHER REBECCA MINKOFF JACKET IS SOAKED IN SWEAT. I could of strangled him for it! So we’re standing outside of this non-serving alcohol after hours place and there’s a massive line to get in so the Lyft driver goes up to Taylor and straight up says “I TRIED TO DO YOU A FAVOR AND YOUR FRIEND GO PEE PEE IN MY CAR”

We all were like wtf this guy just said pee pee to us like we were children lol.

I looked at track suit pants dude and he hadn’t pissed himself he had literally just sweated all over the damn place. So I go over to the Lyft driver to diffuse the situation and tell him that this guy is loaded on drugs and is sweating his fucking ass off so he let it go and left.

After that Jessica and I were ready to leave because the wedding was the next day (Sunday) so we still had to get our stuff ready and get some good rest for the wedding.

We get a lyft driver to take us home and he’s a complete weirdo. We have him make a stop at a gas station since she and I wanted to pick up some snacks and water to get us by and stay hydrated that night so we avoid a hang over the next day and this lyft driver HAD THE NERVE TO HONK HIS HORN AT US TO HURRY UP. I was like wtf? We get back and eat and didn’t end up passing out until about 5am.

Sunday

It’s now the wedding day

Jessica and I wake up for the big wedding day. We had to hurry and get ready because we needed to all meet at Taylors hotel to all go together to this wedding. We stopped at starbucks because we definitely needed to wake up for the big day after a night like the night before.

So we stop by a Starbucks and get coffee and on the way to Taylors hotel I KEPT FUCKING SPILLING COFFEE ON MYSELF. I must had done it literally like 3 times… You could barely see it unless you really looked but I knew that shit was going to show up so I was pissed. This always happens when I wear white! Last time I wore a white shirt to work I got red hair dye splashes all over it and had to power bleach it since it was a $60 white T-shirt that I was not gonna screw up.

Anyways we get to Taylors hotel and her friend drives us all to the wedding which helped because literally everything in Washington is so damn sprawled out.

We got to Issaquah Washington where the wedding was being held. It was at like a farm kind of place with Yaks and horses. We got there just in time for the Tish Roast for Michelle which I guess is all part of a Jewish wedding ceremony where we talk about how we know the bride and some embarrassing stories we have about her lol. It was so funny but such a sweet thing to do.

I’ve never been to a Jewish wedding but let me tell you they DEFINITELY know how to throw a wedding party. It was so full of energy and excitement. I really did enjoy myself at this one and I got to wear an awesome yamaka!!!! I kept adjusting it and clipping it into my hair so it would stay on and look cute. I know the intention is not for aesthetic purposes but I didn’t want to look silly if it wasn’t sitting on my head properly.

We were there until about midnight I believe and ended up going to the after hours party Michelle and David were throwing. We stopped at a gas station to pick up some things where some of the girls decided to have a dance off lol.

Every one was having a great time but there were some people trying to go to bed and it was 2am now but every one on our Vegas side was still ready to keep raging and partying so we tried to debate on what to do for the past 2 hours and mind you it’s now about 4-4:30am and I’m BEAT. I was tired and ready to leave since I know we won’t be getting back to bed until 5-6am since Jessica and I were both hungry too. So on the way out every ones pissed that we all have to leave to go to Taylors hotel where we could hang out in the lobby and finish drinking but I was tired and so was Jessica so we ended up just lyfting back to our place.

Our Lyft driver was cool and all but his breaks were scaring the fuck out of me and just reconfirmed to me how awful Washington is on car breaks lol. They were grinding the worst I’ve ever heard breaks grind. But at least we made it to the gas station to get food and head back to our place, ate and passed out at again 5am lol..

Monday

Monday was the farewell brunch from 11am-1pm but I literally was so tired that I slept through all my alarms and missed the brunch so Jessica and I hurried to pack all of our shit and leave as soon as we could because check out was at 12 and we didn’t get out of there until 1pm since we overslept like fuck.

The final plan before leaving was to go to Kirkland and go to a jet ski and boat rental place out there to go out on the lake for a few before flying home.

Jessica and I got there way before every one since every one was wrapping up the brunch and getting dressed for the lake. I asked what time we were going out on the lake and they said the reservation was for 5:15pm…. Which kind of shook me because my flight was the earliest of every one else’s at 7:40pm meaning I would have to leave by like 5:45 from Kirkland in order to beat traffic and get to the airport as early as possible since it was a Monday and it was Sea Fair so I was afraid the lines were going to be insane. We drank for 3 hours trying to kill time and then finally got on the boat and that’s where the real fun began. I was having such a great time that I ended up calling Nick and having him change my flight and Jessica changed hers to so she could fly with me and we would leave at the same time. So we got to stay out on the lake longer and see the sunset with Michael, Taylor and her friend.

I mean we were RIPPING THROUGH THAT WATER I low key thought I was gonna fly out so I kept sitting on the floor instead of the seats lol. It was seriously the funnest shit everrrrr. But we were going so fast that shit was flying all out of the boat including my “where my beaches at” shirt! :(((((

So sad I lost that shit because it was my favorite vacation/beach shirt to wear lol. But oh well, the memories with my friends are what counted the most to me.

The boat we were on was only meant for us to rent for 2 hours but we were out on the lake for 3 hours lol. We were mainly trying to witness the sunset since it was so beautiful out and let me tell you the sunsets on the lake in Washington are some of the absolute beautiful that I’ve ever seen. It was definitely worth me changing my flight to stay on the lake longer.

After all that it was time for all of us to get our things back from the local hotel nearby and head back to the airport. Mind you I’m still in my swimming shorts and my killstar cut off shirt that I managed to have in my backpack with me to put on for the airport. My shorts were still kind of wet so when we got to the airport I was FREEEEEZING and Jessica was giving me so much anxiety making me think we were going to miss our flight! So my anxiety was so damn bad that I had to take my Xanax to calm the fuck down which I only take if I’m absolutely struggling with anxiety. So I took one and we went to go eat. It hit me faster than normal and I got the Xanax munchies which really is a thing so I had fish tacos at a restaurant in the airport and this lady sitting next to me kept trying to talk to me and tried giving me grapes from her bag which was just too sketch for me so after I finished eating I placed my napkin over the plate so she wouldn’t see that I did not even touch them lol.

We boarded our plane and I was feeling good at this point and luckily there was an open row next to the one Jessica and I were both sitting in originally so she sat over there and watched her shows. I on the other hand pulled down the pull out table from the seat in front of me and knocked out for the rest of the flight and apparently the steward kept trying to wake me up and I would not wake up so Jessica sat next to me and woke me up once we were landing and told me they all kept trying to wake me up and I wouldn’t but that’s what my Xanax does! I didn’t meant to knock out that hard but I made sure to wake up once we were landing because I knew the impact would wake me up which it did lol.

FINALLY WE WERE HOME

Nick picked me up and that was it!

I seriously had some of the most fun I’ve ever had on vacation with all my friends. I think 3 days was plenty of time for me in Seattle though so I’m glad that was the amount of time spent there. I can’t wait to plan something for next year and take more time off to spend more time somewhere. I’m having some serious wanderlust so I want to definitely go somewhere international.
Supernatural Occurrences

14 May 2018

Ever since Nick and I moved into the apartment we’re at now so many strange things have happened in the past 2 years. Things that I’ve never witnessed before. Either I’m becoming more receptive to spirits and energy or in fact there are things in the home.

When we first moved in he and I would both see things. Sometimes I’d see a shadow go into the den and it would freak me out but I would always convince myself that it was something else or just my imagination. It would keep happening so I told Nick about it and then he told me he would see a woman in a white gown walk into the den… We both didn’t think much of it because nothing was really happening we would just see these things but again I like to believe it’s just my imagination so that I don’t freak the fuck out.

So, a couple of months ago Nick went to go get the mail and he found all these hospital bills from the previous woman who lived in this apartment prior to us. He kept sending them back but they kept coming back to us so he said fuck it and opened them to see what it all was. He was reading them not thinking much of it he was more so astonished by how much money it costs to stay at a hospital for a week.

This woman was obviously older around her 80’s I believe from what I can remember and her name was Eleanor. She had Leukemia and had a ton of blood transfusions and ended up dying in the hospital.

So that woman Nick was seeing and the shadow I would see had to have been her so that made sense but now something else has been happening lately with me.

About a month ago I was having a hard time sleeping one night and having some really fucked up dreams. It was bout 6:30-7:00am and I woke up to someone saying “Brian get up, come here” I looked by the door fast to see if something left the room but didn’t see anything and didn’t think much of it but I couldn’t go back to sleep. The voice sounded like my moms and I got hella scared because normally when something like that happens it’s because someone has passed away so I called my mom that morning and told her what happened and just to check up on her and make sure she was alright.

That was just the first time

Today I took a nap because I’ve felt so exhausted. I slept in until about noon and then took a nap around 4pm. I was asleep when I was getting this awful feeling of being scared. I wasn’t having any nightmares but I heard something calling my name in what sounded to be a mans voice. At the moment I heard it I tried opening my eyes but couldn’t. It felt like some sort of radio frequency keeping my eyes shut. The sound was like when the TV is on and you hear that frequency noise it makes but x10. That same sound felt like pressure keeping my eyes closed and even when I opened them it was hard to fully wake up. I just remember being so tired still when I woke up but I didn’t want to go back to sleep because of what had just happened. I didn’t feel weird when I woke up, I didn’t feel scared, I didn’t feel like there was something in the room or anything like that I just felt alarmed by what happened and didn’t think much of it.

The strange thing about this is that my aunt passed away around this time last year in March from a stroke.. I had just started working at Square and couldn’t exactly leave to go to the funeral so I didn’t exactly get to say goodbye. So a part of me feels like it’s her contacting me but who knows.

In all my years I’ve never witnessed more weird shit then I have since Nick and I moved in. When I still lived with my mom there was maybe only 1 time I can recall was strange and that’s when I found the sliding door open in the living room and it was a couple of days after Joey passed away.

Now that all of this has happened I’m curious if there’s something trying to contact me or attaching me. 2 times too many for a similar experience to happen. So if anyone knows someone that can contact spirits or anything of the sort then please comment or email me for their info! It would be greatly appreciated so we can figure out who Casper really is!
Personal Favorite Summer Time Shampoo and Conditioner.

7 May 2018
Lately I’ve wanted to start talking about what products I use and go into detail as to why I prefer them over others and which ones I swear by. I figure now would be the time to talk about what I use on myself and what I use on my clients to ensure good hair quality!

In this post today I’ll be talking about Oribe’s Shampoo and Conditioner for Moisture and Control since it’s one of my favorites in general and especially during the summer.

Oribe

Oribe is by far one of my favorites because it gives you that added push that you need with hair sometimes. For most blondes (as myself) we lack oils, protein, and moisture most of the time. Obviously it really depends if you’re a natural blonde or bottle blonde (such as myself). Since really bright blondes lack so much nutrient, you tend to have to put ALL of that nutrient back into your hair when you have to style it so being blonde can get expensive. It’s a lot of work to be blonde but if you’re as committed as I am then you’ll do everything in your power to find the best products that work for blonde hair.

During the summer I lack moisture and protein big time so I use Oribe Moisture and Control line. I notice when I use it frequently my hair gets SOOOO SHINY it’s one of my favorite things about Oribe shampoo and conditioners. The great thing about this product is that I don’t notice as much frizz and it makes my hair look fuller which I LOOOOVEEE. This line also has an intense deep conditioner that I love even more because it gives me some added weight my hair needs so sometimes I’ll use that instead of a regular conditioner if I feel my hair really needs it.

This is all just from what I’ve noticed from personally using these products.

These are the benefits that the product guarantees

Shampoo for Moisture and Control
- Adds hydration and softens coarse hair with maximum shine
- Amino Acid Complex: Closely resembles the proteins in the hair cortex and provides moisture to hair and scalp as well as strengthens and repairs damage to the cuticle.
- Microemulsion smoothing system: Delivers softness, control and moisture by bonding to the cuticle for deep conditioning.
- Polymer Complex: Delivers shine, conditioning, detangling and antistatic properties.
- Amber Extract: Contains antioxidant conditioning and hair-strengthening properties.
- Sunflower Extract: Protects against drying, and color-depleting from the elements and sun.
So this shampoo is literally SOOO LATHERING that you only need like a quarter size if you have long hair (Girls). Personally I use a penny size amount for my hair because I don’t have that much on my head and it foams up so much it’s ridiculous. Make sure you’re only shampooing your scalp and not the ends of your hair to make this product last and because the ends of your hair don’t need scrubbing. When you rinse your hair and the shampoo works its way down, that’s all the shampooing your ends need.

This shampoo tends to last me a very very long time and the bottle is not that big for a reason. If you use this product properly a small bottle of it will last you months.

Conditioner for Moisture and Control
- Tames coarse, curly and kinky hair
- Deep hydrating
- Fights frizz to leave hair silky smooth
- Keratin and Hydrolyzed Keratin: Strengthen damaged hair and protect the hair shaft. Together both types of keratin penetrate the cortex to provide anti-aging benefits and maintain hair strength as well as providing protection from UV degradation. (great for those pool days!!!)
- Cetrimonium Chloride: Provides conditioning and anti-static (if you’re prone to having really staticy hair).
- Plant Derived Protein Complex: Strengthens and provides protection from chemical treatments, environmental and styling stress (if you’re someone who curls or flat irons your hair a lot).
- Apigenin, Oleanolic Acid and Biotinoyl Tripeptide-1 Complex- Natural botanical extracts that strengthen hair, improves root health and increases blood flow to the scalp, bringing nutrients to the follicle (I love this since it stimulates blood flow so I don’t lose my hair!).
As you can probably tell by now, this line is targeted towards people with curly hair since curly haired people have a hard time retaining moisture and generally need more moisture in their hair than any other hair type.

When using conditioner it’s all personal preference really. If you have a dry scalp then apply it to your roots and ends or just your ends if you feel just your ends need it. Some people are more prone to oily scalp than others so it’s all personal preference on how much you want to use and where you want to apply it. Personally I apply mine roots to ends because I don’t have an oily scalp and I can use all the product for my dry blonde hair that I can get lol.

What I will say is to save using so much product I will use a generous amount and apply where I want it at first and then I bring a wide toothed comb into the shower with me and comb the conditioner through to make sure everything is saturated.

So if you’re someone with curly hair, blonde hair, or just like your hair to feel really moisturized and shiny then definitely seek out and try this product. The facts are all in this post for anyone curious to try this product. I recommend it during the summer mainly since hair tends to dry out bad and be prone to static and frizz or if you have uncontrollable curly hair.

If anyone has questions on this product feel free to email me or comment on this post!

Quote of the Day

“You can’t get dressed without good hair”
Metal Weekend

22 Apr 2018

(I’m really curious if I was a vampire in a past life. I wanted to wear red contacts Saturday night for the festival and I ended up looking like a complete vampire like I always do. Granted I know red eyes are a trademark in most vampire movies but even without them, I always end up looking like a vampire! It’s not exactly what I’m going for but I guess it works lol)

Finally a day off. After working all week I was finally able to relax and enjoy myself.

This weekend was Las Rageous, the metal festival in downtown Vegas.

I was so impressed with how organized and put together this event was this year. There was like 0 trash because after every set the trash people would come and pick up everything people left. the alcohol and food stands were all completely separate from each other along with the bathrooms. The ground was all astroturf so it was actually comfortable to stand and enjoy the show since we were standing most of the time. Last year everything was arranged differently and it was still put together but this year I could tell the difference. I was seriously so impressed with how structured everything was.

Thursday night Nick and I went to A Perfect Circles private listening party and Q&A with Maynard and Billy. That was an incredible experience for me simply because A Perfect Circle’s thirteenth step album was the first rock album I ever bought. I grew up listening to a lot of Journey, Goo Goo Dolls, Foo Fighters, Marilyn Manson etc. etc. and then I went into a rap and hip hop stage and realized that really was not for me so I turned to rock again. To have APC up close like that just completed my teen years.

At the end of the Q&A they gave everyone vinyls of the new album and apparently they only made 200 of them. Happy I was a part of that experience.

APC is where it all started with me in middle school and to come this far listening to them and hearing their new album out is just awesome. I have to thank my best friends Lisa and Brandon for making that Q&A and Las Rageous happen because this weekend was definitely a memorable experience.

Friday night I went to a friends party with some friends and afterwards headed downtown. Nick had no idea what to expect at all and it was hilarious because he kept thinking it was going to be in a dirt lot lmao. I think he felt it was going to be huge and dirty like Ozzfest or some shit so he almost didn’t even want to go but even he was blown away with how nice the event was, especially considering it was rock fest which you expect I guess to be kind of dirty as it is.

The only band we really cared to see Friday night was APC. All the really good bands I felt were on Saturday so we literally only went to see them on Friday and went home.

Saturday the weather was a lot better and not as cold or hot and I wasn’t as tired.

Something I’ve noticed that a lot of people don’t really do is mosh anymore. Maybe it’s just Vegas people but I don’t really see many mosh pits anymore. Last time I moshed was when I was 16 years old at an Aiden concert. I fell so hard on my ass I thought I broke my ass and could barely stand so security helped take me out back to feel better lol.

One band I was reallllly excited for on Saturday was Judas Priest. That was such a blast from the past. Lets just say that they still have their edge and are absolutely brilliant live. Truly impressed with those guys.

One thing I noted from the show that was so refreshing to see were all the older people that were rocking out to Judas Priest. I stood far in the back when they went on because I already knew that band was really going to stir up some craziness. There were a few guys standing in front of me. They must have been in their 40-50’s and they were head banging so hard and singing along loud and proud and it was the best thing ever. You know these guys appreciate older metal like Judas Priest and you could tell that was a band they grew up listening to. Metal has drastically changed and you don’t really hear many bands like Black Sabbath or Judas Priest etc etc.

I could tell these people in front and around me were appreciating the metal they grew up listening to and were remembering so that really made my night.

I highly recommend any rock or metal fans to check out Las Rageous next year because it’s definitely a must. I’m already excited for next years lineup since so many great bands played last year and this year.
Bad Owl

31 Mar 2018

Today I wanted to explore a little and just get out of the house. Liubi (the stylist I work for) is out of town so I just want to relax and go out and just not even think about work.

There’s a coffee shop I’ve been wanting to go to in Henderson called Bad Owl and it’s all Harry Potter themed and so neat! I been wanting to go since I was going to school at Paul Mitchell because it was up the street from the school. But when I was attending school, it had just opened so there was ALWAYS a line out the door and mind you we only had 30 min for lunch.. It’s a decent coffee shop but not that big at all so I can see why it was always busy.

Made sure to where my Resting Witch Face shirt to this place for sure!

I called ahead because I didn’t want to drive 25 min to wait outside in line. Nick and I went around 3pm and it wasn’t bad. I was just in awe because I’m not insanely crazy about Harry Potter but I thoroughly enjoy the movies and the vibe to this coffee shop was just very unique. I can very well see myself hanging out there and just getting out of the house to spend some time writing or networking in general.

I had the Lavender infused Latte which I love because Makers and Finders another coffee shop that is downtown, makes something similar. The only thing about the Lavender infused Lattes is that they make me feel like I’m on crack because of how caffeinated they are but they’re sooooo good and I highly recommend trying it! The staff was helpful and really on top of their recommendations. If you check in on yelp you get 20% off! So that was sweet.

While we were there Nick realized that he had scratched his phone so he had a lot on his mind lol.

This coffee shop was such a flash back and I think that’s why I connected with it so much and just felt like I was at home. Growing up it was ALLLL about Harry Potter for me and my family. I was 6 years old when the books came out and 10 when the first movie came out. Either me and my family or friends went to go see every single movie at the movie theater and it was such a huge part of my youth. Till this day I still watch the movies every now and again and it just felt good to be reminded by everything in this shop. I’m even more excited for Fantastic Beasts and where to find them because apparently it’s set to have 6 movies and I’m thrilled that the legacy is going to continue with this series. Harry Potter truly was a masterpiece.

Overall I’m glad that Vegas is starting to bring in new coffee shops like these because I can very well see this coffee shop expanding since they must be really bringing in some good revenue for it to always be busy.

Highly recommend checking it out!

Bad Owl: Website

Bad Owl: Instagram
Recreate

22 Mar 2018

It’s crazy to me how history tends to repeat itself. 1 minute you think your this whole new person and that you’ve changed and then 10 years go by and you go back to that same person you were back then with maybe a few better modifications. At least this seems to be my case lately.

Recently as some of you might of noticed, I did a photoshoot with a local photographer in town.

This is the first year in 2 1/2 years that I’m actually having time to myself and doing what I want. Like, I have all the time in the world now to do whatever it is that I want to do. Part of that is because I switched mentors I was assisting for and now only assist 1 person so I’m not working 5-6 days a week anymore.

One thing I’ve decided to take on again is modeling or at least trying to get back into it to get in with clothing companies.

I’ve wanted to model since I was about 9 years old. I still remember going to my first audition and then I went again when I was 16 to try again but my height and look has always been so different that it was just easier to find work on my own. I realized it was difficult to get work unless I paid thousands for it so I took to Model Mayhem when I was 17 and up until I was 20-21 I was doing a ton of shoots from Vegas to LA. I flew to San Francisco many times to shoot. My look back then was just very androgynous way more than it is now so the photographers I worked with definitely wanted to work with that and that was in. Now days it’s a bit tough. Most photographers want the muscles and abs or the Abercrombie looking kind of guy which I’ll never be or ever desire to be. Normal to casual looking is something I never want to look like. I can’t stand the ordinary but no offense to those who do have that look.

I’ve worked so hard to try and stand out and not blend in that I feel like I would be contradicting myself and everything I stand for for myself. There for I seek my own work and if there’s ever a clothing company that wants to use my look, I just would find the photographer best fit for the shoot and go from there.

Something people might not know about me is my background with modeling and where I am now days with it and what all I used to do so here are just a few photos that I feel semi comfortable posting lol

Part of my past includes me posing as a girl and a boy. Some of these photos are so old and had been taken at the age of 17-22.

Soooooo yeah I went through many faces and many phases lol.

But the recent photoshoot I did helped me understand where I stand with my past and how far I’ve come with my image and just getting back into modeling or just doing photoshoots in general, will be enjoyable. I already have a few shoots booked for this month and next month and I just look forward to getting back into this. Modeling was my happy place growing up and I just want to return to that and hopefully just take things further this time. I’m not sure how far I’ll go with it again but I hope to just do more shoots for clothing lines and hopefully magazines. I’ve always been someone to do something I say I’m going to do. If I’m passionate about it and believe I can do it and have nothing to lose then I’ll shoot for it and get as far as I can.

I’ve gone through many looks but I like the one I’m working with now. My eyebrows look better lol.

I have my fingers crossed that this time around I’ll be able to do more with my look and reach out to companies.

Enjoy the photos! There will be many more to come and I’ll be posting more from the shoots that I do.
Love or Loathe

19 Feb 2018

It’s 10:00pm and it’s freezing tonight. It’s 40 outside and I almost feel as if a cold is coming on. I figure I should have a cup of chamomile tea in order to keep my body warm from the chill tonight. Definitely can’t afford to get sick right now. I worked today and did a bomb ass balayage that I’m so proud of. I took so much time to paint it but I wanted it to be perfect because I want to submit it for Behind the Chair.

It’s moments like these that reassure me that I’m on the right path and I’m understanding what I’m doing more and more.

Recently I’ve been thinking about the whys of me doing hair. I enjoy doing hair and what it means to me doing hair and how when you really care about doing something and have passion, you can do anything. This is also a problem for me though because this is exactly why I took so long to go to school for Cosmetology. I go back n fourth too much with what I want to do. I’ve always wanted to be a hairstylist since I was 15 years old but I also want to be a graphic artist or model or photographer. I did all of it growing up except hair. It was a big accomplishment for me to go to school for Cosmetology and to now be licensed but I also question myself on many occasions to make sure I’m truly happy doing hair or what the real reason is. I’m very true to myself in that aspect because what’s the point in doing a job you’re miserable doing? Not worth it. I firmly believe in life is too short for all that shit.

That’s where I start to think that not many people understand what all goes into doing hair…

Things people might not understand about doing hair is that you’re dealing with people’s emotions. As a hairstylist I’ve come to realize that most of the people coming in are trusting you to make them feel or look beautiful. Not everyone is like this, some people don’t care what you do as long as it’s good or just want something simple etc etc. But then there’s people who really do have self-esteem issues or just aren’t happy in life. So many times I hear of people who can’t handle these people but sometimes all you really have to do is talk to them and figure out what really might be the issue without prying into their lives. I feel that’s where people trust you more but of course not everyone is manageable and things won’t always work out right with making someone feel good about themselves but you can try.

I really feel for woman a lot ever since working at a hair salon. I hear so many stories of woman getting pregnant and the amount of things they have to endure during pregnancy is so bizarre to me. I really hate hearing stories of woman getting taken advantage of by pompous men or just asshole people in general that fuck with their self-esteem. The longer you stay in toxic relationships, the more your mental health gets trashed because of these people’s ways trying to get you to fit their wants and needs. Not cool.

Although I’m still assisting I look around the salon sometimes how stylists will be dealing with someone who has no self confidence or doesn’t feel pretty. Sometimes I look around and see woman and men all getting their hair done, some with hair loss conditions and others with too much hair to control on their own at home that require them to come in for blow drys. In a way it makes me sad sometimes because if you sit around and observe you can tell who doesn’t feel good about themselves. I just sit and think and try to put myself in their shoes and see how they might feel and that’s what makes me feel more empathetic lately and compelled to do my ultimate best to make someone feel beautiful. I know there will be days that will be better than others and not every day will be a war won, but it should always come close to being won.

Although I’m a man I wouldn’t consider myself a feminist but I just don’t like people getting treated unfairly and it breaks my heart when woman get into relationships where they change themselves completely to fit something for someone else.

I remember watching botched and there was a woman on the show who had gotten huge ass breast implants because her boyfriend told her to get them and they started to really screw with her health so she had to get them taken out and he got so upset about it and ended up leaving her. People are not disposable and hearts should always be guarded. Have self respect and know your worth and know what all you have gone through in the past to find yourself. Love yourself.

We’ve all felt ugly at some point or undesirable but there’s no one as beautiful as you and as cliche as this may sound, everyone is beautiful and special in their own way and that’s the truth.

Then you have the people with just severe self confidence problems that you can’t help unless they help themselves first or seek help. You’d be surprised how self confidence and self image plays such a huge important role in someone’s life. There’s people so unhappy that they will make others feel ugly or affect them in some way because of how they themselves feel inside without knowing how to direct their emotions or to just take out their frustrations on someone else.

To anyone who might have self esteem issues, I say write down everything you don’t like about yourself and everything you do and what you can do to change what you don’t like.

I think my main goal with doing hair is to make others feel the most beautiful that they can feel when coming to me. I’ve already started doing this by just telling my clients how beautiful they are and telling them good things about themselves and just listening to them.. I genuinely care about what my clients tell me and I love to learn people which is what makes my job so exciting. I’ve started to gain a deeper love with some of them and I like that because it helps me see more and more what I can do to help them look and feel the best they can.

So I definitely feel like I’m where I should be and it’s just a good feeling knowing that you’re where you should be in life and having that reassurance by doing a good job and having your clients love their hair.

I just feel happy and you should too. ❤

“I’ve made mistakes, but I believe that
Everything was worth the fight
‘Cause in the end, the road is long
But only ’cause it makes you strong
It’s filled with peaks and twists and turns
Sometimes you have to learn to forget about it.”

-Marina and the Diamonds
26

15 Jan 2018

26

Before I start I don’t want anyone to be reading this and feel like it’s a low blow or me calling anyone old. This is just me trying to express how I feel about age as freely as I can without hopefully not offending anyone.

With just a little bit of time left of me being 26, I sit in my chair and think of how the year went for me. I’m currently making some soup and listening to soft tunes to really get my head straight for this blog lol. I’ve been trying to do something different and make each age and birthday more meaningful than the last so I think of everything I’ve learned through out each age in order for me to see where I stand with myself and my growth.

Each birthday resonates with me in different ways. Earlier 20’s for me was not giving a fuck. I was focused on being young and crazy and just trying to live my life to the fullest. Once I hit 25 I realized oh fuck, I’m getting older.. I need to slow down..

My double fisting pose. Drinking Bahamian beer. It honestly tasted just like a corona lol.

Last day of the cruise and I decide to get hammered drunk.

There’s never any cars around 2am so why not dance in the street.

@The Hudson

New hair

It’s been a great year being 26 but in just hours I’m turning 27 and realize that I’m just getting older from here.. In a way it makes me sad.

I’m not afraid of death but I do think of it often. I wonder where I’ll end up or what waits for me on the other side. If I’ll be judged as good or bad. It’s hard sometimes to not have these thoughts but I can’t help it. Death is inevitable and I don’t want to sound like a total negative downer but we are all headed towards old age I know that but it’s just kind of shitty that this is how things have to be sometimes. 26 showed me how every one deals with aging and how some people can’t handle it while others just know they’re getting older but don’t think much of it and the dynamic between the 2 outlooks can be pretty extreme.

To me age has always just been a number

I’ve been preserving my youth since I was 21. Taking supplements to keep my skin tight. I would take collagen every day and just work on keeping my skin nice. Till this day I continue to use anti aging masks and cleansers to keep me looking young. I feel like the more you don’t look your age, the better. I guess I’ve treated it as a challenge because I still have people thinking I’m either 18 or no older than 22. So I must be doing something right lol.

I know, silly that even though I’m only turning 27 I’m already having these thoughts and I’m sure some of you will read this and roll your eyes because some of you might be older and feel however you feel about age.

Aging isn’t a negative thing though, yeah you get run down, yeah you might not be able to drink like you used to or do the things you were able to when you were young. But how rewarding to be able to tell future generations your experience of growing up. I’ve always felt in my heart that that is the type of old man I would be. The one to tell my nieces and nephews and younger kids my story about growing up and hopefully helping shape some and others to be better people and to care for others.

In a world where sometimes it feels like care and love are slowly fading out like a fad; hold onto those who have emotion and love.

26 was a year of self reflection

I feel like a lot of my growth has obviously been through writing and discovering how much is really on my mind. I’ve become someone I wanted to become by writing down my thoughts and who I believe I am and sticking to it. Doing everything with integrity.

I took a long and very hard look at myself and who I used to be and how much I’ve grown up. I learned to forgive and learned to let go of the past and move forward. The feeling of growing up and learning so many lessons is hard to explain. It’s just a feeling of no longer harboring negative thoughts and feelings towards others.

Part of me feels like most of it was because I was so busy that I had absolutely no time to hate anyone or dwell on who’s hurt me in the past and so on. I learned to just let it go. I learned that people make mistakes and although some of those people should never be spoken to again, sometimes things change and fate has something completely different in store for you. One thing I’m learning to do is not overthink everything and feel like I need to control certain situations and just going with the flow more.

I’ve been looking back at photos and videos that I posted in the past 5 years and can’t believe how much I’ve changed. Somehow I manage to slightly change my style but always keep it relatively the same. My manners and the way I speak have changed and I no longer do much wild shit on video or in photos unless it’s snapchat or something else. I’ve tamed down a lot. Although I’ll always be crazy Brian and be a wild child, I definitely am in love with the man I’m becoming and the amount of care I have for people these days. I’ve settled down a lot but I don’t mind it at all. In a way I feel like 26 prepared me for the amount of knowledge I will gain with 27. 27 is definitely going to be my hardest working age yet. I will apply all of my strength and will into becoming who I want to become this year.

My message to everyone reading this would be to make each birthday count. It’s not just getting older, it’s growing wiser. Growing and shaping into a better person each and every day. Learning to cope with situations and becoming the best person you can be. Think about the amount of advice you could give to someone so lost in life just through everything you’ve experienced in life.

Thank you 26

Now it’s time to make way for 27
NYE 2017-2018

1 Jan 2018

For NYE Nick and I decided to go downtown to Fremont for it and I was honestly a bit disappointed by how dead it was! The streets were pretty empty and the bars were pretty dead… By dead I mean you were able to walk around and it was fine. No one was stepping on each others shoes or spilling on others clothes. It was so chill. I was expecting chaos and madness but it was the complete opposite lol.

We got down to Fremont around 7:45 which was seriously perfect timing because we managed to park in the Plaza parking which is like, the main outdoor parking spot downtown that has a lot.

We walked to Gold Spike first to see if they were going to have a ridiculous cover which they didn’t at all thank fuck. Cover to get in was only $15 which was nothing. We got stamped and then decided to walk around and go to Park on Fremont to eat before drinking. It was the only bar that would actually make a mojito… lol. I didn’t realize most bars don’t really like to make them anymore because they’re a pain in the ass to make? I wanted to drink and my stomach was fucked up so I needed to drink something minty. It definitely helped lol.

After we were done we went across the street to inspire to check out their rooftop party and it wasn’t that packed and by this time it was already 10.. I really was surprised and confused as to why no one was downtown. I mean I get it, the strip is where you want to be but I did not expect it to be this dead.. There were maybe 20 people on the roof so we checked it out, took some more photos, and left.

We checked out Corduroy on the way to Gold Spike to take photos in their selfie room, which had a line to take photos lol.

By 11 Gold Spike was definitely bumping. It was the most packed bar we had seen by this time. We decided to play games outside and drink some more. There were a ton of foreign people in town. You can always tell when there’s foreign people at a party because of the way they dance lol.

Gold Spike was giving out Champagne for the countdown so we waited around the bars until then taking photos and talking about how 2017 was for us.

We took tons of photos while we were there and it once the countdown was done we left. There was nothing left to do down there especially since it was so dead. That will probably be the last time I go to Fremont for NYE. The strip is definitely where it’s at if you want crazy. I’ve done the strip maybe 3-4 times for NYE and it definitely doesn’t disappoint.

Regardless, me and my friends and Nick had a great time. 2017 was a great year and to me celebrating the end of 2017 was more of a thank you. I feel blessed with everything that I received in 2017 and the accomplishments I was able to get done. I’ve started setting goals and putting my mind to them and have just grown up so much and I can feel it. I forgave, I worked and I accomplished goals that I wanted from the beginning of the year. I’m really excited for 2018 and what it has in store for me. I’ll definitely be doing things differently and mapping out the year more to accomplish more.

I want to try and go back to school for graphic design but it’s nothing set in stone yet. I just definitely want to try and go back whether it be this year or next year.

I hope everyone had a great NYE and I hope you all have wrote down your goals or at least have some sort of plan for the year. It’s going to be a great one!!! 😀
2017 Review

31 Dec 2017
I can’t believe it’s already the end of the year! I seriously feel like this year just flew by me so fast that I can’t even really recall anything I did besides work! It was all a blur!

I took so much on this year with work because of my ambition and wanting to get somewhere in life. For years and years I dreamt of having a career and being successful and just working hard to be the person I want to be, and I see it all falling together finally.

I’ve always had the hard work gene in me but I’ve finally found a career where I can truly APPLY IT and feel gratitude or defeat at the end of the day and it’s those feelings that remind me to always try my best and to always better myself and that I am human. It’s the most rewarding feeling to go home knowing in your heart that you did a good job at what you enjoy doing. I’ve come to understand what it means to not ‘work’ but love what you’re doing so much that it doesn’t feel like work. The only complaint I have about doing what I love is the fact that certain parts of my body are hurting more lol.

As a hair stylist now these are the things I’ve started doing to help my body out more to feeling better all around not just physically.
- Seeing my Chiropractor Dr. Teddy every month– Once a month I go get adjusted by my really good friend Teddy. My backs always been fucked up but I see him once a month now to work on my shoulder blade knots and to just make sure that my back is aligned. Believe it or not it actually does help a lot because the minute I start standing up straight and angling my arms the way they’re supposed to be when blow drying or standing, I realize that my body doesn’t hurt. If anyone needs a chiropractor feel free to contact his office at 702-277-1371 his instagram is @drteddysim
- Getting a massage every other week– My shoulder blade has a serious knot in it that if I go a couple of days standing wrong and with bad posture, the knot flairs up baddddd. To the point I’ll seriously be rubbing it all day because I can feel it. It’s the worst feeling ever.
- Knowing when to rest- I’m a workaholic and can seriously work day and night and not mind it at all. When I’m not working and just relaxing, there are times I’ll feel so unproductive that I need to read a book or do something with my time to utilize it. I’ll begin to feel like something is wrong. But, now that I have a career that is so taxing on my body, I’ve learned to lay down all day and to get a crazy amount of sleep when I know I need it.
That is just the gist of it all

Now let me get into what this year consisted of

February

To start, I graduated from Paul Mitchell the school Las Vegas!

My experience at Paul Mitchell was a blast. Trust me when I say that going to this school was literally a comedy movie. The shit my friends and I all got into and the things other people did and the stories were just wow. I look back and just think wow, this would really make for a great Netflix movie lol. We did a lot of crazy shit but were all motivated with dreams and expectations for ourselves which made our small group of friends click and get along.

I was President of Student Council and Take Home team which taught me how to speak in crowds and how to control crowds and speak about hair care products. One day I would definitely like to work with a brand and travel and teach so being apart of these teams gave me a taste of what that could be like.

Graduating from Paul Mitchell was seriously one of the best feelings ever. I graduated from home so I never was able to walk or experience the feeling of what it feels like to graduate from something and have all the people that care about you there all gathered together cheering you on.

March

I took my state board test in March and passed! That was a huge deal for me and the biggest accomplishment in my life by far. Such a rewarding feeling.

I really took the time in March to just enjoy myself. I had been working and going to school that I just felt so burnt out.. It was hard having 12-13 hour days with very little sleep.. So I did a ton of exploring around Red Rock

It was a good couple of days to just relax but I knew that I’d get the itch to start working again because I didn’t want to miss any opportunities that could present themselves and me be disappointed because I waited too long or something.

So, a week after being licensed I started working at the 1 salon I wanted to work at since the beginning of me starting school called Square Salon in Summerlin.

The way I work is by feeling out energy and feeling out paths that I might want to take. I’m really good at determining what direction I want to go in with big decisions I might be wanting to take and this has by far one of the best ones I’ve had.

Square has taught me so so much. Almost every Monday we have education classes that teach us so much.

I love all the people I work with and everyone is just so so friendly and determined to be more and more. Every day I see so many of my co-workers working on projects and things that really drive them and it inspires me to be more and do more. Everyone always has a great attitude and everyone is always so happy and always giving words of encouragement and that continues to inspire me and WANT to keep doing more with myself. That’s not something every salon has so I feel truly truly blessed..

In a matter of 9 months, I’ve picked up my speed when working by myself and have just strived to do better and better each time I work for myself. I’ve been able to determine how long everything takes me to do and that’s a great feeling because I’m getting better at booking people.

August

I volunteered to be a part of this foundation called CASA for foster kids

Volunteering for such a powerful and beautiful cause really opened up my eyes to what goes on out there and how these kids feel.. It truly broke my heart but at the same time gave me so much joy to get to know some of the kids and to see all their smiling faces and to just hear about their likes and their dreams. It was truly something so amazing to experience.

I have a huge soft spot for kids because of the way I grew up and having to always take care of my nieces and nephew so I have an idea of what it’s like to have to raise kids and to see all the things that make them happy and how easy it could be to get them excited.

It just feels good to help those who are in need and doing this event really really opened up my eyes to what I have and what I can give to others who are in need whether it be a present or the gift of communication and care.

October

Nick and I dressed up as Pikachu for Halloween!!

November

My little brother Xavier turned 21?! Where does time go seriously. He’s overage now and can go anywhere he wants. He’s been my biggest support system through out these years and I love him dearly and can actually invite him out with me now that he can drink! Let’s not ever forget the fact he MADE ME SING MAGIC STICK AT ODD FELLOWS KARAOKE NIGHT. I was so humiliated and he got it all on video that I will NOT be posting lmao. I love you Savy!

December

This month

I went to my work Christmas party and that was a blast! I’ve never partied with so many people from work lol. We had our Christmas party at Commonwealth where we rented out the entire place for our salon and had open bar. I don’t need to explain from there

Most importantly

I have to thank the stylists I work for Lauren and Ashlee who have taught me above and beyond so much about hair and skill. I’m done assisting them this month and will be moving onto working with another stylist in the salon and it really makes me sad because I get really attached to people and even though we’ll be in the same salon, we won’t be working together directly. I can truly say that everything they create is just so refined and polished and they take on these projects that leave me mind-blown.

These girls have taught me so much discipline and so many ways of doing hair that I wouldn’t of had a clue how to do anything right out of school. I was so timid coming out of school to do ANYTHING. I was so insecure about what I knew and I barely knew how to curl hair but my confidence has definitely boosted and my skill has improved so much and I’m just so grateful I was put with 2 really amazing stylists to help me with all of this.

Final Thoughts

Although the time flew by, I’m sure next year will go by just as fast so I’ll need to take advantage of getting more of a clientele built. Next year I’ll just have to learn to find balance between work and play. I’ve been working so hard that I’ve forgotten to really enjoy myself but it’s all for the good and for the better right now.

This year ultimately felt like a blessing to me.

A true blessing

10 years ago I remember being at home in Pahrump, struggling to finish school at home while baby sitting for my mom and sister. I remember trying to make light of situations and stay sane by always talking to my little brother and telling him everything I found interesting and fun. I didn’t really have many people to talk to other than my friends online. The internet was my only freedom unless I went outside to run around the park.

10 years ago I always reminded myself that this life couldn’t be all that’s left for me. Watching kids and sitting online for hours because of how bored I was. I told myself and reminded myself that I would go back to school for hair in the future because it was something I enjoyed. I told myself that I would get through it and I had dreams and hopes. I left home at 18 moved back to Vegas and started working. I did a lot of partying because I needed to get it all out of my system since I was locked up indoors for years, so I did.

I’m 26 now turning 27 and next year around this time, I will be going on my own in the salon.

This entire year every time I tried going out, nothing worked out. Either people were busy or had plans with other people. I’ve lost touch with many people due to the fact I’m in a relationship now and have been working non-stop the entire year. But that’s ok..

To me this was God telling me to just stay put and stay in place for now. Don’t get into trouble, keep your eye on the prize. At least these were the vibes I would pick up and as much as I didn’t want to listen, I had to because I knew what could happen if I started going out a lot since I know myself from going out for 5+ years partying. It felt like a voice telling me this and I chose to listen.

It’s funny the way things work out. I often sit here and reflect on my past and the life I had and where I’m at now. This is exactly where I wanted to be 10 years from when I was 17. Living on my own, maybe not with just my cat like I wanted but with a boyfriend who loves me.

I have everything I want right now. I’ve worked on myself to bring out the best Brian possible. I’ve learned to love, care, and appreciate within 10 years. I’ve learned to be an emotional person, maybe too emotional but I rather keep it that way than be the unattached individual I used to be. I NEED emotion in order to stay correct because I know myself enough to know the type of person I could bring back out by not caring or feeling.

This year taught me what hard work is and how much of it you HAVE to put in to really get to where you want. But it’s not just hard work to get you ahead and have you get somewhere. The hard work I’m talking about is the kind that builds you to be who you are. You learn to appreciate what you have and who you are already and the things you can endure. For me it’s been a journey of self discovery and recognizing the things I need to do as an adult. I’ve learned to be more responsible, to save more money, to put money aside for food etc etc.

I’ve learned to save and put away so much money this year, something that was so difficult for me to do growing up. My credit cards are almost payed off, my car will be payed off next June and my life is just about to start. I can’t be any more grateful for what I have and if at the end of this no one sees what I’ve done, at least I know in my heart how far I’ve come and how much I’ll do to not come this far and fail.

My key goals next year are to start building a more solid clientele, learn balance, and to continue to work on myself. Pleasure will follow once I feel stable enough with where I am in life.

To finish this year off I want to thank all the people that supported me this year or let me do their hair and let me talk to them. You’ll never understand how thankful I am for you trusting me and being my friend. This year showed me how strong of bonds I have with some very important people in my life and I love you all so so much.

Thank you again everyone! I love you all and hope to have all the special people in my life by my side next year.

Happy new year and I wish you all the best!

Quote of the Day

“Don’t focus on being a star because you will be. Focus on bringing something special to others lives and you will be the most radiant star there is.” -Lauren Phillips
Sincerely Saying Sorry

3 Nov 2017

Forgiveness is not something that can be easy to do when you’re angry and for someone like me it can linger for years as it did.

I’m a pro at holding grudges and I wish I wasn’t but when I’m so wronged, there’s no way for me to let go until I’m ready.

There was a rough patch I went through when I first moved back to Vegas. Got into a relationship that didn’t end well and for years I was holding onto hatred that I myself had caused and started. He kept trying to befriend me and I did and said things to him so that I wouldn’t feel guilty or ashamed or hurt because I wanted things to go back to how they were. So instead I chose to hate him, like HATE. I apologized because I wanted to be back with this person but not because I was actually sorry about everything. This person wasn’t a saint and did things to really hurt me as well but I overall was the instigator.

Whether this person did wrongful things to me or said terrible things about me it doesn’t matter to me at this point. I’m only concerned about what I DID and said because of my side of the story. I’m owning up to whatever I did because I didn’t want to dig too far back into the past. It’s a feeling of just needing to own up to what I did and said and move on peacefully and just grow more into an adult.

I’m someone who cares about people so much. I love the strangers I meet and I can barely know you and care for you instantly. I grow close to people and I’m always worried if someone is ok or not and I’ve learned all of this about myself more and more over the years.

So, I thought to myself, if this is who I am then why not apologize to someone I might of potentially hurt with the things I did and said? I firmly believe that the things you say and do to people can really affect them and going to bed knowing that I might have potentially screwed someone up and possibly made them a terrible person because of what I did, made me feel worse. I know that it’s over the top and that’s a bit of an exaggeration but what if? You never know how someone is feeling unless you ask or talk to them.

I’m not a hateful person and I don’t know how to really be mad at people but when I am it’s not a nice feeling and I don’t like tension so I tend to just let things go and move on. The past Brian I was is not who I am today. The old me was way out of control and a hot head for sure and there’s enough of that shit in the world, the world doesn’t need another hot head. I would do things and say things without care at all for someone else’s feelings.

I just overall feel that in order to make mends with yourself and come to terms with yourself, you have to forgive yourself and forgive others. No one’s perfect and life isn’t a game of perfection. We all mess up and we will do so over and over again but to me, the most important thing of all is to say you’re sorry and to do better. That’s what I’m trying to do now with myself, forgive and move on.

I was at work and told Lauren my situation and she just asked 1 simple question that just made everything click. She asked me “if tomorrow you died, would saying sorry to this person be one of the things you with you could have done?” I said yes. That’s how important it is for me to say sorry.

It took me months to actually write the individual I’m talking about because I was afraid of what the conversation might go like or if they’d say something hurtful to me. It gave me so much anxiety that I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I debated for weeks and weeks but when I actually stepped back and looked at the situation I realized that even if this person said something mean back to me, at least I did MY PART of sincerely saying sorry. Knowing that gave me my emotional strength I needed to finally write this person. Last night I wrote them without thinking and just let whatever was in my mind, flow and send it.

Luckily he replied apologizing to me too for some mean things he did and said about me. We had a conversation about everything that was said and done and it felt good to actually get along again and be able to talk like adults. There were no hard feelings on either ends and it felt nice knowing that.

Even though this was something buried so far back in the past, the 1 thing I wanted to get back from the past was my heart and what I want to give back to my past is forgiveness.

My advice to everyone is to just say sorry for what you do because you never know if it’s affecting someone and you definitely don’t want to be responsible for a broken heart that you caused. There’s way too many people who go around hurting others and think they don’t need to say sorry and try to be tough for their own whatever the fuck feelings they have. Just be a good person and you’ll be surprised by how the universe responds back to you and rewards you.