Forgiveness is not something that can be easy to do when you’re angry and for someone like me it can linger for years as it did.
I’m a pro at holding grudges and I wish I wasn’t but when I’m so wronged, there’s no way for me to let go until I’m ready.
There was a rough patch I went through when I first moved back to Vegas. Got into a relationship that didn’t end well and for years I was holding onto hatred that I myself had caused and started. He kept trying to befriend me and I did and said things to him so that I wouldn’t feel guilty or ashamed or hurt because I wanted things to go back to how they were. So instead I chose to hate him, like HATE. I apologized because I wanted to be back with this person but not because I was actually sorry about everything. This person wasn’t a saint and did things to really hurt me as well but I overall was the instigator.
Whether this person did wrongful things to me or said terrible things about me it doesn’t matter to me at this point. I’m only concerned about what I DID and said because of my side of the story. I’m owning up to whatever I did because I didn’t want to dig too far back into the past. It’s a feeling of just needing to own up to what I did and said and move on peacefully and just grow more into an adult.
I’m someone who cares about people so much. I love the strangers I meet and I can barely know you and care for you instantly. I grow close to people and I’m always worried if someone is ok or not and I’ve learned all of this about myself more and more over the years.
So, I thought to myself, if this is who I am then why not apologize to someone I might of potentially hurt with the things I did and said? I firmly believe that the things you say and do to people can really affect them and going to bed knowing that I might have potentially screwed someone up and possibly made them a terrible person because of what I did, made me feel worse. I know that it’s over the top and that’s a bit of an exaggeration but what if? You never know how someone is feeling unless you ask or talk to them.
I’m not a hateful person and I don’t know how to really be mad at people but when I am it’s not a nice feeling and I don’t like tension so I tend to just let things go and move on. The past Brian I was is not who I am today. The old me was way out of control and a hot head for sure and there’s enough of that shit in the world, the world doesn’t need another hot head. I would do things and say things without care at all for someone else’s feelings.
I just overall feel that in order to make mends with yourself and come to terms with yourself, you have to forgive yourself and forgive others. No one’s perfect and life isn’t a game of perfection. We all mess up and we will do so over and over again but to me, the most important thing of all is to say you’re sorry and to do better. That’s what I’m trying to do now with myself, forgive and move on.
I was at work and told Lauren my situation and she just asked 1 simple question that just made everything click. She asked me “if tomorrow you died, would saying sorry to this person be one of the things you with you could have done?” I said yes. That’s how important it is for me to say sorry.
It took me months to actually write the individual I’m talking about because I was afraid of what the conversation might go like or if they’d say something hurtful to me. It gave me so much anxiety that I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I debated for weeks and weeks but when I actually stepped back and looked at the situation I realized that even if this person said something mean back to me, at least I did MY PART of sincerely saying sorry. Knowing that gave me my emotional strength I needed to finally write this person. Last night I wrote them without thinking and just let whatever was in my mind, flow and send it.
Luckily he replied apologizing to me too for some mean things he did and said about me. We had a conversation about everything that was said and done and it felt good to actually get along again and be able to talk like adults. There were no hard feelings on either ends and it felt nice knowing that.
Even though this was something buried so far back in the past, the 1 thing I wanted to get back from the past was my heart and what I want to give back to my past is forgiveness.
My advice to everyone is to just say sorry for what you do because you never know if it’s affecting someone and you definitely don’t want to be responsible for a broken heart that you caused. There’s way too many people who go around hurting others and think they don’t need to say sorry and try to be tough for their own whatever the fuck feelings they have. Just be a good person and you’ll be surprised by how the universe responds back to you and rewards you.