Painting Memories with Tears

October 10, 2018

Brian Amador

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Dear Nick,

I don’t exactly know where to start with writing to you.. I’m still in disbelief that you’re gone and still kind of refuse to accept it.. I keep thinking you’ll knock on the door and say that there was a mistake and that you’re alive.. I think I’m having trouble believing this is all true and really feel the emptiness and darkness without you in my life… I wrote down every word that’s written on my heart and hope you’re here today to listen..

When you passed away I felt a part of me die and the world felt a lot more colder… I now understand what it feels like to be so connected to someone that you feel like 1 person but I have also learned to understand what an empty void inside feels like as well… What it feels like to have so many people who care about you around but still feel so lonely because your lover is no longer in this world..

I knew the minute that I met you that we were going to be together forever.. I instantly fell for you from the beginning. The first week alone felt like 3 months. Within 3 weeks I already felt committed to you even though we were still just getting to know each other and a year felt like an eternity with you.

The love we had was so unconditional and so pure… We truly were crazy about each other and crazy in love… I’ve never had anyone love me as much as you did.. I’ve never had anyone give me everything I wanted without me asking like you did.. The times you’d surprise me with gifts I had never thought I’d get were the times I knew in my heart that you truly knew me and just wanted to see me happy. You’d give me the world if you could..

You were Heaven on earth

For the first time in my life I experienced real true love and now I know what that looks like because you showed me love and taught me how to love… I grew with you and all my friends and family saw that… I changed 360 for the better and when we moved in I learned what it was to be an adult and be in a relationship working on things together..

I don’t know how to live without you and learning how to is going to be my hardest task yet because you found me when I was so lost and so broken… You helped pick me up when I was down.. You hugged me when I’d cry… You took me out of my dark place and for that I am eternally grateful for you… We really did do everything in our power to be together and there was nothing and no one to separate us from each other..

Your parents did an amazing job raising you because you have the most family values out of anyone I’ve ever met.. Often times it seemed like you had read it out of a book and went with it but that goes to show that your parents really love you and did so good raising you..

I’m sorry for the way I spoke to you sometimes, I’m sorry for the way I might of treated you… I’m sorry if I put too much pressure on you to get help or talk to me more about what was going on with you…. I’m sorry if I ever hurt you… Please just know and understand that every time we argued it’s because I truly cared deep down inside and just tried and wanted to see you happy and not in so much pain all the time….

Life wasn’t fair to you and you didn’t deserve the pain you were in and I can only imagine how you felt every day…


Pt. 2

Who he was when we were together

When we first moved in Nick and I both had a lot of soul searching to do and work within ourselves that needed to get done. Living together taught me to not walk away from situations anymore. It taught me to sit down like an adult and talk things out that I might not agree with instead of running for the hills. Sometimes we would have to agree to disagree and that was fine. Regardless of how many disagreements we had, it was the love that always kept us together.. It was the fire we had for each other that kept the relationship always burning bright and leaving a trail for everyone to follow and see. He set my heart on fire and it was a flame brighter than I had ever felt.

He had a love for animals especially dogs. Any time the neighbors had their dogs outside he would always go up to them and pet them and be outside for a good half an hour. I’d walk out and be like where the hell is he? Just outside with the neighbors dogs lol.

1 thing I COULD NOT STAND is when he couldn’t sleep so instead he would start cleaning! I would get sooooo angry because I’d be trying to sleep and I’d hear trash cans rumbling and plastic bags being filled with shit that was all over the house that we didn’t need. Things dropping, or he would full blown have 3 projects going on around the house to where I’d get so much anxiety I’d have to go to sleep and not think about it lol. I’ll never forget the time he superglued his fingers together doing God knows what at 2am so I had to go to the kitchen and get a glass and fill it with acetone and have him soak his fingers until they came undone lol.

He was always helping me with all my social media junk I’d be doing and always taking my pictures. He started to really get good at it and understand photography. See with Nick you always had to lead him you couldn’t exactly tell him all the time what to do because he wouldn’t do it, we were very much so alike in that aspect. But I knew it was hard for him to do new things because he’d get so discouraged if things didn’t go right. Knowing me and always trying to take his mind off the craziness of the world I always wanted to get him out and get him to try new things one way or another so that he could really experience life and get off the couch.

Nick was always pretty kept to himself. For the most part he would always be on the couch playing video games and watching TV. Most of the time I’d have to drag him out with me everywhere and I’d always HATE when he would ask me if he wanted me to have him go where I was going. I’d always reply with YES I WANT YOU TO COME OTHERWISE I WOULDN’T ASK. He would always do this because he knew what reaction I’d give him lol. Every time I came home from work I’d walk through the door and hear a number of different ways he’d greet me from

HI BABE!

AHHHHH I’M NAKED!

QUICK MY BOYFRIENDS HERE LEAVE THROUGH THE BACK!

WHO’S THERE?!

And I’m sure there’s a ton more out there that I’ll think of. Every day he would change it up lol.

After he was done messing with me I’d put my things down and give him would I like to call our bird kisses where we would peck each other on the lips a bunch of times. It always made me feel closer and always worked as a reminder of how much we loved each other.

He always HATEDDDD when I’d see him in the bathroom shaving or tweezing something from his face and I’d walk in and just say “I HAVE TO PEE” and I’d sit down and pee right in front of him and he always thought it was the weirdest thing ever and get SOOOO MAD AT ME LIKE, SO MAD. Sometimes if he was in the bathroom long with the door locked I’d put my hand under the door and be like “BABE DO YOU NEED SOME HELP?! LET ME HELP YOU TAKE MY HAND! THIS IS MY GOOD HAND!” and he’d be so freaked out and be like “GO AWAY!”

For his birthday he never liked to do anything, his idea was just sitting at home making dinner and watching TV. I obviously had other plans. So I’d tell him sorry babe but I already made dinner reservations so you don’t really have a choice anymore. So we would go to dinner and do whatever else he wanted to do. Since our birthdays were only 6 days apart we always celebrated both birthday on mine because everyone knew I already had some big ass plan setup for it with of course dinner somewhere nice.

Our favorite thing to do every month was go to the movies. We went to the movies easily 3-4 times a month. We would see every good movie that was out possible. That was our 1 thing we would always do. It was cheap and I loved to snuggle with him in the movie theater.

I’d always take him out with me and make him talk to random people, like I would,  and always let him know who was who and who he should talk to to help him get into hotel and to follow his dream of being in hospitality again.

Instead he went on to be a dealer for the meantime and was going to try and work his way up. He was very very good at it. He went to school for it for a solid year and started doing tournaments until Planet Hollywood rehired him after the Goliath Tournament over the summer. 

I liked taking him places I went to as a kid because Vegas has some neat mountain scenery such as:

Bonnie Springs, Spring Mountain Ranch State Park, Red Rock etc.

One of the last places I took him was Ansan park I grew up going to as a kid. It’s a South Korean themed park in Vegas.

I remember us taking pictures of each other because I wanted to put together a blog post on how nostalgic the park makes me feel. We walked around the park and I told him a ton of memories of the things I’d do there and where I would get hurt. Afterwards we walked across the street and I told him all the memories of how I grew up and the things that scared me as a kid. I like to believe that every city, state, neighborhood all has a vibe that sets the mood. The neighborhood I grew up in had a restless vibe to it and growing up I would always stay up really late with my sister and sometimes watch the sunrise with her and all our friends.

I continued to tell Nick all of these memories because I wanted him to know me more and understand me more and where I came from. He never really opened up completely to me so I felt like if I did maybe he would too..

Not all of us can open up easily and sometimes the past is so painful to talk about because of the curve balls that life likes to throw. Although Nick opened up as much as he could I cherished all of it because I knew he was trying and definitely did let me know who he was but most importantly, he showed me what his heart looked like and that’s something no one could ever take away from me or compare to. That love he gave me was incredible and is not something everyone is blessed enough to experience..

I was blessed for his family to have accepted me into their circle because sometimes with gay couples there’s always that 1 family that doesn’t agree at all with any of it. Luckily his family welcomed me and my family loved Nick. My nephew would always call him uncle Nick and I’d always tell my nephew to not make Nick uncomfortable since he and I weren’t married lol. My mom would always ALWAYS ask how Nick was doing and to tell him she said hello. He was the first boyfriend of mine that my mom actually really accepted with open arms. She instantly liked him and that wasn’t like her, so I could tell she knew I was in love and very serious.

I was beyond blessed to have met him and experienced what true love really is. Wether I experience it again or not I’m fine with knowing that there was that 1 person I really loved and will always love who loved me the same in return..

 


Pt. 3

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 Music

I remember how much I loved to sing to you really loud with my headphones in or in the car to our favorite songs just to see the reaction on your face.. Sometimes you liked them and some songs you couldn’t understand why I would listen to. All in all I always just wanted to shout from the mountains how much I loved you.. I hope some of the songs I’d sing you you’ll always remember because sometimes the words were so perfect and described exactly how I felt about you..

“If I could save time in a bottle
The first thing that I’d like to do
Is to save every day
‘Til eternity passes away
Just to spend them with you

If I could make days last forever
If words could make wishes come true
I’d save every day like a treasure and then,
Again, I would spend them with you

If I had a box just for wishes
And dreams that had never come true
The box would be empty
Except for the memory
Of how they were answered by you”

“Something broke in me and I wanted to go home
To be where you are
But even closer to you, you seem so very far
And now I’m reaching out with every note I sing
And I hope it gets to you on some pacific wind
Wraps itself around you and whispers in your ear
Tells you that I miss you and I wish that you were here..”

“Think I’ll miss you forever like the stars miss the sun in the morning sky.”

“And there’s no mountain too high

No river too wide

Sing out this song and I’ll be there by your side

Storm clouds may gather

And stars may collide

But I love you

Until the end of time”

 

“Nothing left to tell you dear except each day feels like a year…. Everybody’s thinking of you….PS: I love you…”


Part 4

How I miss you..

I wake up in the morning and see all the little foods around the house that you’d eat like your chocolate muffins in the morning or your ice cream in the freezer and I feel my heart break more because you were so innocent and so pure of heart and such a kid like me… I think about how I’m going to feel on those rainy days where we’d cuddle on the couch real close and watch movies and shows.. I can’t drive by the strip without crying my eyes out.. I can’t go to the movies because that was our thing we did together..

I’m left at night with a room of tears and your photo next to me on the bed because I feel so alone…

When I look at photos of you or photos of us together all I can think of is how much I miss kissing you and hugging you…

Or how I’d sit on top of you on the couch as your rubbed my back to calm me down from all the stress of the day.

I find myself singing to you so you know what song I’m listening to and so you know the song is dedicated to you and that I’m thinking about you and missing you with every word I sing..

I keep running to parts of the house when I hear a noise just in hopes that I’ll catch a glimpse of you and when I go out I search in far away distances in hopes that you’ll be somewhere looking back at me…

I come home to the house in hopes that something will be moved around so that I know you’re with me…

The things you left on the table on your last day are still there because I refuse to move or throw anything away.. I find myself finishing the water bottles you left behind because I miss your touch and that’s all I have left that you left behind that you touched…

The notebooks in your backpack when I went to pick up your belongings are now in my backpack because I will never take your things apart since that was how you left them..

Often times I’ll find myself pouring 2 drinks just to feel like you’re still here and like we’re doing things just how we used to every night..

when I go through your clothes I break down because I know the time is coming that I’m going to have to pack this all up and move on but I’m just not ready to leave yet.. I have some of your clothes next to my bed just so I have something of you near me… I keep your ID in my pocket to have you close since it’s the only form I have you in now…

When I eat I make sure to pull out your ID and just pretend that you’re next to me.

Going through photos and videos of us ruins me and reading these words alone just rip my heart out.. All I’m left with is a box of memories and video footage of the endless love we shared. It breaks my heart to go through these memories but looking at how happy we were in these photos lets me know that we truly were in love and truly did make our relationship work and always kept that flame alive no matter what bump in the road we encountered…


Pt. 5

Goodbye

Lord,
Nick is gone now from this earthly dwelling,
and has left behind those who mourn his absence.
Grant that we may hold his memory dear,
never bitter for what we have lost
nor in regret for the past,
but always in hope of the eternal Kingdom
where you will bring us together again.
Through Christ our Lord.
Amen.

I guess this is the end of our road.. As much as I don’t want to say goodbye this is by far the hardest one I’ve ever had to do…

To end this I just want to say that I appreciate everything you did for me-for us.. I’ll never forget all the kind gestures such as making dinner for me when you knew I had a really long day at work. For always working through things with me no matter how frustrated I’d get. I’ll never forget when you’d come to bed late thinking I was asleep and you’d kiss my head or arm and tell me you love me softly as you quietly got comfortable in bed… You were so tender at loving and so sweet and caring.

I felt your love every. single. day

I’ll continue to love you and promise to never forget you and honor you and honor what we had because it truly truly was something so special..

You were the center of my universe

I’ll always have you in my thoughts and prayers

Love is something not every one experiences. Some people have to wait years and years to find it, some find it and don’t appreciate it, and some people lose it… I’m blessed to say that I was able to have met you, to have met such a wonderful, caring and loving man like you.

But just like learning how to love I’ve also learned what true heartbreak is now and what it feels like to have this heart of mine breaking with every memory that comes to mind or how much I miss you in bed or how I miss you in the car with me.. I miss my best friend..

I’ve never asked God why so many times in my life…

Now I stand here with my heart in my hand. Feeling like we were just star crossed lovers meant to meet at another time..

Just like the saying goes

“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return…”

We were both Capricorns and because of that I’ll always feel your Saturn rings around my heart, always encompassing and always protecting me now and forever.

I love you so much Nick and I miss you with all of my being and wherever you are, know that I love you and I miss you and think about you every day..

Forever and always your

Baby Husband Squirrel

🐿❤️🐻

I love you..

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4 Comments Add yours

  1. Margaret says:

    Dear, sweet Brian my heart is breaking for you and this journey you are on !I remember watching your movie trips together, cooking dinner and the car singing❤️YOU have wrote such a beautiful legacy to Nick✝️Not a person who reads it will have a dry eye. I believe God has chosen you as one of his Angels on earth🙏🏻You must remember the joy that you have brought to others who where in need of your love and understanding way. I have said it before Brian you have a beautiful way of writing and you have a STORY to tell that can help others 🙌🏻 Think about it write everyday and put your pain where it can help others ! Also Brian volunteer for a crisis center for young people , you have a gift of helping others and your journey may help someone❣️I will hold you in my prayers everyday…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The optim of relationship goals! My thoughts and prayers are with his family and you. Blessed are those who experience love in this lifetime!

    Like

  3. Callie says:

    Sister, this really does encompass your love, the love you two shared that was seen by everyone around you. What a way to express yourself, thoughts and feelings, while honoring Nick. You have an amazing support system around you and I am so happy for that. Wish we were closer sis, just know you are always loved. Nick will always be loved ❤️ This was such an amazing read Bri, you did an awesome job. Love you❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Uncle Fred says:

    Brian,
    What a sweet and wonderful way to express your love. You have encompassed the true meaning of life. That is to love and to be loved back. I’m thinking of you always. Just know that you can reach out whenever you need to.

    Like

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