It’s 9pm and it’s 65 degrees out.
Normally it doesn’t get cold in Vegas until November, so it feels like we skipped fall and went straight to winter and it has my emotions kind of messed up.
Nick and I met in September of 2015 so the times he came to visit me or I went there, the season was already changing to winter so I would always cuddle up close to him.
It’s been a month since Nick passed away and it still kind of feels like yesterday but it kind of also feels like a year has gone by.
Grieving is the most invasive and hurtful thing to go through, especially when you’re going through it because you lost someone you really loved.
When you love someone so much and lose them, like I lost Nick, it really is devastating. Loss is hard in general but when your heart is fully invested and you lose the person who had your heart, it fucking hurts like hell. Not like it’s not supposed to but it’s a different kind of hurt. A hurt that just feels like your heart was ripped from you and stepped on.
I’m realizing there’s different levels of grief.
Every day feels like a blur.
Every week that goes by feels like it went by very quick. I can barely get a hold of myself. I can barely think. When I sing in the car sometimes I forget the words even though I’ve heard the same song over and over. I can definitely feel how this is affecting me and it’s scary but it just hurts so much every day not having him here.
I definitely have had days where I feel fine and I get through without crying but there’s triggers and when I get that trigger I break down and let out everything that had been pent up the past 2 days or however many days that went by without me crying.
I used to tell myself I couldn’t imagine living without him, hell we even did a suicide prevention walk and yet here I am having to try and having to learn how to live again.
I ordered 2 necklaces to put his ashes in just to feel close to him and find myself wearing the baseball one the most. He loved baseball and sometimes I remember coming home and he would be blaring it so loud I could hear it before I even walked into the house lol.
I’ll also wear some of his T-shirts that he never wore that I gave him. I found an Eleven Paris Star Wars shirt in his drawer that he never wore! So I took that shit and wear it to sleep now.
I have no idea if I’m grieving correctly or if I’m just hurting myself more
but
I’m finding myself going places we used to go to together just to find comfort in being there and thinking of all the things we did. It makes me cry every time I do it but I feel almost like it helps me get more closure when I do it because it hurts enough to make me stop and appreciate the good times and just try to move on. It’s my way of trying to normalize life again and be able to go to these places we went to and not cry so much but again, to just remember the good times and laugh and appreciate/honor his memory.. It’s extremely difficult and hard to do but I need this pain to hurt me so bad that I can begin to rebuild myself and come back to Brian because I do not feel like Brian at allllll.
I’ll be posting a lot more about the places we went to and the things we did together. I want to write and try to talk about this entire situation for what it is in detail because I hope if there’s anyone out there grieving, that these posts and words will help.
The only way I can describe how I’m feeling is like being violated.
The pain comes in so invasively and randomly and leaves me feeling so empty, lonely, used and abused and just feeling without hope. I try and try to push the pain out of my mind but it’s almost impossible once it starts and as much as I try to stop it it just keeps hurting me and I just keep wishing it would stop.
I tend to bounce back and remind myself often than not that he was in a lot of pain but it still doesn’t make it any better.. I still walk into the bedroom and just cannot believe that he’s gone. I really can’t. The house being so quite alone freaks me out and makes me think about him and cry because I would always come home to the TV on and him either cooking or watching TV waiting for me to get home and welcome me with a hug and kiss..
Wednesday October 10th, 2018
I went with my mom to go pick up my rental. It was the night before the memorial and I was going to drive at night but I could not sleep and still can’t unless I’ve taken my Xanax from all the anxiety that piles up in the day. The only place really open late to rent a car is the airport so I went to pick it up.
It didn’t register to me until I went but Nick used to work at this Hertz back when we first moved in together. It was a seasonal position but he worked really long days and I drove past the same area where I would pick him up from work..
I walked up the stairs to the car lot where the rentals were and Hertz does this thing now where they leave the car keys in the car and you just get the car you want and check out on your way out. It’s way quick.
I originally reserved a Dodge Dart just because I’m familiar with Dodges and the problems that can happen with them since I drive an Avenger.
So I’m looking for it and the guy told me I could pick ANY car from this lot so I’m looking around and see 2 dodge challengers that I remembered we had taken up to Mammoth Lake when my best friend Kayla got married. I looked the other way and there was the one and only convertible Chevy Camaro! I wasted no time and took the Camaro.
I remember I would ask Nick what his dream car was, affordable and non affordable and he was so simple, he would just say he wanted a truck lol. I was like BABE I WANT A BENTLEY OR A LAMBORGHINI etc etc. But for an affordable car I would tell him I wanted a Camaro and wanted to deck it out like Batman’s car! I just felt like that was him there for sure telling me BABY GET IN!
The car was all alone. No cars around it and doubles of every other car. This Camaro just so happened to have California plates too! I was driving that shit with the top down in no time! Driving and beating it up like I stole it lol.
Thursday October 11th, 2018
I drove out for the memorial early in the morning and didn’t get into town until about 3pm. I got ready and
The turn out for Nicks memorial was amazing. His family was only expecting about 80 people if that and it was well over 100 people that showed up. I didn’t take any photos with people or of the memorial because I felt like it wasn’t really appropriate.
His family was so happy as was I. Nick really did have so many people that loved him.
I presented my speech that I shared with you all and that was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to read in front of people but I also felt myself come alive a little and joke with everyone because I really wanted it to be uplifting and not all sad.
Here’s the link in case you haven’t read it yet and would like to
Everyone seemed to have enjoyed it and I even had some people he knew come up to me telling me that I’ve changed them and changed their heart and it gave me joy because that’s what we’re all here to do, to help other people realize things and to just spread love and understanding to people who might not understand. I feel like the message got across to a lot of people that might not understand things or understand what it’s like being gay and in a relationship in general. Most importantly, I was happy that people saw how much we loved each other and how special our love was that we had because it was the biggest message I had for everyone.
Friday October 12th, 2018
This was the day after the memorial.
I had a plan when going to California that I was going to go to LA at least twice to visit friends and family but because of the circumstances I was under I just felt like planning was not the right idea and I was sooooo tired this day. I slept most of the day and when I woke up I had some coffee with Nicks dad and talked to his mom more about everything and we watched a few home videos of him as a kid and I just couldn’t keep watching, it was tearing my entire being apart seeing how adorable he was as a kid and just knowing he isn’t here anymore. I couldn’t do it. I decided to just take the rest of the day slow and just relax. We went to dinner that night with his parents and just chatted a bit about some of the things Nick would do and I just really felt like he was around. It just broke my heart a little because I know his family is really struggling with this and I just couldn’t imagine living with knowing my child passed away.
So instead of going to LA I decided to just be home with his family as much as possible to just try and be there for them as much as I can.
Saturday October 13th, 2018
I went to Santa Monica beach to see the sunset and walk around at night. I wanted to be alone for this moment and appreciate the time we spent at the beach when we went back in 2015. I got there around 5pm in time for the sunset. I was afraid it was going to rain because of how overcast it was but it didn’t instead the clouds made the sunset look even more beautiful.
Parking was a fucking shit show. All the hotels were the only ones really offering parking and there were a shit ton of people walking around. I remembered why I get so much anxiety driving in LA.
I dressed in the clothes I used to wear when we went to the pools. It was pretty cold and everyone was in at least jeans and a T-shirt and light jacket but I didn’t care I wanted to dress up.
The sunset was the most breathtaking thing I had ever seen. I’ve never seen one so nice or in general at the beach.
I pulled out my head phones and listened to music as I saw each wave come in and leave.
There’s signs and things everywhere that allow you to be able to apply how you’re feeling and find peace, you just have to look for those things you can relate to.
For me this calling was the ocean.
For some reason I just felt like the beach is where I needed to go and needed to be. I’m glad I went because I’ve never felt so close to water before..
I would watch as each tide came in and put ridges and cracks in the sand and leave the surface looking jagged but then the tides would come back and smooth the surface again. There were waves rolling in small and some were big and at that moment I felt my emotions so closely related to the water and shore. There’s times my emotions roll in like tides, sometimes a little bit and sometimes really strong. Sometimes my shore feels jagged from the pain I feel but after awhile things smooth out and the shore looks smooth until the next tide comes in and ruins the surface again.
I stood there crying because it was one of the very first places Nick and I went to when we first met. Walking the beach at night with someone I loved was something I always wanted to do, I’m lucky I was able to do that with him around the time we met. My best friend Meagan was with us that night, she was behind us taking our photos because she knew how happy I was and wanted to capture every moment. I really fell fast for Nick. When we first met, our chemistry was so magnetic. I instantly liked him and he instantly liked me and since we felt so comfortable with each other, it was easy to jump into things as fast as we did.
I looked around and saw tons of couples together and kissing and I almost felt bitter about it.. I’ve never not been happy for other people but seeing so many people doing what we did and me feeling left out just really upset me. I’m sure I’ll get past that feeling but everything is just so fresh and my emotions are running way high with everything.
Sunday October 14th, 2018
It was my last day in town and I wanted to go to the ice cream shop we would always go to when we would go back to Bakersfield to visit his family. The place is called Dewars and it’s some of the best ice cream I’ve ever had.
So I filled up my gas tank at Costco and headed straight to Dewars before hitting the road.
It was the busiest I had ever seen it honestly. Normally when Nick and I would go it would be like 2 other people but almost the entire place was packed. I sat at the very end of the bar area where we would sit and I had oreo cookie/cookie dough ice cream and just reflected back on the times we went there. There were some emotions but again I just felt close to him since we had been there together.
I had to return my rental by 11pm and it was now 6pm when I finally got on the road, so I needed to kind of be quick getting home because I wanted to stop by Peggy Sues 50’s diner. I’ve never been there but ever since I bought my car and would drive to California, I’d always see the signs but never stopped by because of one reason or another. I was determined to go and it was the cutest restaurant I’ve ever been to.
I couldn’t help but walk around and take photos of everything. The place was huge and there was memorabilia EVERYWHERE.
Ever since Nick passed away I always get these images in my head of him randomly or I’ll feel like he’s in the same room with me when I’m alone. It’s times that this happens that I know he’s around. As I sat there eating my burger (which I don’t eat meat but I was this weekend so fuck it) I had the strangest feeling that he and Joey were there with me having dinner. I went around and took photos and just enjoyed my last night in town before returning back to Vegas. I got back in just in time for the rental to be dropped off.
I’m not sure if I’m becoming more sensitive to spirituality or whatever it is out there but I definitely feel like this situation has changed me. I’m a lot more patient with things and don’t stress about dumb shit as much anymore. I’m normally the type of person who needs to fix something right away but recently I’ve just said screw it all. Things will always work out and it’s pointless to always be stressed or worried.
It sucks that sometimes it takes someone passing away for you to change or realize how you’re acting or to see the way you’re living and seeing that maybe half of it is wrong and that you need to change. If Nick wouldn’t have passed away I probably wouldn’t be doing half of what I do now…
I find myself asking for receipts to everything to cover my ass for any reason down the road. I’ll take photos of things in order to remember what I know I’ll forget. I’ll write things down on sticky notes or on a notepad so that I don’t forget what I need to do. I’ll ask more questions than anything. He would do all these things and it just showed me how proactive he was and how much I grew with him to carry on these same habits of his.
To end this post I want everyone reading this to text a loved one, family or friend and just tell them you love them and how much you appreciate them for such and such reason. This is one thing I’m glad I did with Nick all the time because there is not a doubt in my mind that I didn’t say it enough.. Appreciate the people you have and let them know you love them because we are all on borrowed time and are not promised tomorrow.
I love you all
♥
♄Brian ☾ Jamesøn♃ 