October 22nd, 2018

It’s 1am and I’m currently drinking stress relief tea in the cup Nick used to drink his tea and drinks out of that his father let me keep. Dan saw me drinking out of it and let me keep it and it made me happy to be able to sit down with him that day and just talk and have coffee with him.

I decided to go to the movies alone finally.. I wanted to be alone because that was just what Nick and I did and it was OUR thing so I wanted to honor that still.

I went to the 10:00pm showing and grabbed a cherry slushy since we got one almost every time we went to a movie.

I don’t know what it is but I just feel close to him when I go out and do the things we used to do together. It makes me sad but also gives me comfort.

As I’ve stated before, the movies is where Nick and I always went together. It was the one place we spent the most time together at. I haven’t been ready to do it but I really wanted to go see A Star is Born with Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper really bad and I just know we would have definitely gone to see it together.

I’m not sure if some of you have seen the original or the Barbara Streisand one but the whole movie was about Gaga becoming famous because of her Rock Star boyfriend that fell in love with her but he has a dark past that seems to really fuck with his present life. He’s a drunk and she finds herself helping him through it all and trying to just save him from himself and tries to get him help and that’s all that I’ll say because I don’t want to completely spoil the movie. That’s just a brief idea of what the movie was like. Just such a beautiful beautiful movie. I really enjoyed the remake.

I felt like I could really relate to the movie in a sense of trying to help someone but loving them through all the things they might do to upset you just focusing on the true love you have for each other.

I knew to prepare myself emotionally for going back to Red Rock to see a movie and for the love story in general but I had no idea how intense the ending would be and how close to home it hit. It really destroyed me to say the least..

I wonder if I might be a glutton for pain or something weird because I find myself hurting myself by doing these things but all of this hurt has helped me cry so hard and get all the pain out. I’m not trying to get rid of the pain because I’m trying to let myself feel and grieve but I just feel like this is what I NEED to help me build my strength and get through this eventually..

I sat in one of the really high areas because I just knew I was going to be a mess there being alone. I used to lay on him or he would rub my back or arm.

The movie was over and I sat there just staring at the screen with tears in my eyes waiting for everyone to leave and for the first time every single person left quick and I was there all alone. The credits were rolling and I caught a glimpse with someone with the last name ‘Ramos’.. Nicks middle name was Ramos.

I made my way down the stairs and realized Red Rock has started to add letters to their rows so you can find where you sat easier. The first letter I saw on my way down was N and of course just took it as another sign that he was there with me that night.

It was the coldest feeling leaving the movies without him. He would always be following behind me either rubbing my back or holding my hand or arm.

I felt like a zombie walking through the casino and was tearing up on my way back to my car. I got in my car and just lost it.

It hurt so much not having him next to me to talk all about the movie and to see what we agreed on and didn’t agree on. It’s all those intimate and deep connections that I was missing at this moment. I drove home with just the blankest stare. Tears kept flooding my eyes but all I could see through them were the flash backs of all the times we came together.

I got home and put my things down choking down emotions without getting too overwhelmed because I wanted to be strong and just understand but as I did that I had to brace myself over my counter and just cry my eyes out until I started to feel weak enough crying to sit on the floor and just look at everything he left on the coffee table on his last day. The pain all felt like it was the first day everything happened. Again, I realize I can’t control these emotions and realize this is just grieving. I’m such a controlled person and I am not used to these feelings so letting them flow and swim is very hard for me.

I’m starting to realize I can’t handle the pain as much as I could when I first had to deal with everything. It’s getting a lot harder and every night it’s either wine or Xanax or both.

I decided to take my Xanax and lay on the couch and watch shows.. I fell asleep on the couch around 2-3am and I normally don’t do that. I woke up around 5am and went to sleep in the room.

Most people think I’m crazy for seeing that movie alone but honestly I rather have this pain hurt me now and have it hurt more than ever than have to deal with it over and over again because of avoiding it. That’s why I tell everyone how I’m feeling and why and when because it’s so important to keep track of how your grieving to make sure that you’re dealing with everything in the appropriate way. I know we all have ways of grieving but this is definitely mine and I know Nick wouldn’t want me to be sad forever or to be going to the movies alone all the time because that was he and I’s thing to do. He would want me going with my friends.

I know in my heart through all of this, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, I just don’t know when I’ll reach it. As much as it feels like it’s the end of the world I know I will get through this pain and be able to go to the places we went to together and not come home feeling destroyed. I’m young and just remind myself every day that I need to continue to live. Nick would want me to continue to live and be happy. I just try to live with keeping that love I have for him always in my heart..

“Wish I could, I could’ve said goodbye
I would’ve said what I wanted to
Maybe even cried for you
If I knew it would be the last time
I would’ve broke my heart in two
Tryin’ to save a part of you”