So yesterday was the AFSP (American Foundation for Suicide Prevention) walk at the park over by my moms house in Centennial.
Not sure if many of my friends know I walked it but I did! I promoted really last minute because I found out late about the walk. I managed to set up a page in time and donate the EXACT amount I needed to get my shirt for the walk! ($150)
Let me just say it was truly a moving experience…
I woke up at 8am, got dressed quickly and just headed there since registration started at 9am and I wanted to take photos. I was supposed to meet my brother but he got sick and then my friend couldn’t make it anymore because she didn’t have a ride so I ended up doing the walk alone but I didn’t mind. It allowed me to just be more in tune with myself and with my thoughts. There were people there that had some really sad sad stories and there were SO MANY DOGS I could barely handle it.
This girl who’s name was Ashley had lost her father to suicide when she was 18 and a couple years later her fathers brother committed suicide too.. She gave a speech about how it affected her and how she coped with it and is dealing with. She was so strong about the situation and in a sense I could relate to the kind of days she has. She said that she doesn’t cry for him every day but she has what she called “I miss you days” where she’ll miss him more than other days. It was extremely hard trying to keep it together because suicide I realized has really affected me and I take it so serious now after yesterday.
As some of you may know my best best friend passed away last year to suicide and ever since its hurt me.. It hurts me because of all the why’s I ask now. Why did he do it, why didn’t he stop to think, why didn’t he just call me? We were so close and he was practically like a brother so I wish he would of just vented to me more. Losing him was like losing a part of myself and knowing that I’ll never get it back hurts even more..
When I lost him; for the first time in my life I felt my mind and heart work together for once…
I’ve always been disconnected to emotions by nature because I use my head to make decisions before I use my heart. I’m a very rational thinker and when I hurt I hurt bad so I protect my heart as much as possible. When I lost him for the first time I could just FEEL my mind and heart work together.. My mind was telling me it’s ok we’re going to get through this and my heart was telling me it’s ok to hurt this time Brian so let it out.. The communication between both collided in a way I’ve never felt before. Why? Because I truly loved him to pieces he was the one person I related to with on so many levels. Any time I think about him too much I start crying and if I drink it becomes worse. It still feels fresh.. I’m not gonna say I cry for him all the time but I will say that I miss him and have days like Ashley, Miss you days. I just hope he was there with me at the walk because for some reason I just felt him behind me yesterday like he was there.
Seeing everyone walking for their loved ones was very inspiring and touching because even though I was walking alone I didn’t feel alone. I felt united with them in such a sad/uplifting way. The people who run it said it was the biggest turn out Vegas has had so that was good!
After the walk I went to my moms house to check on my brother and on the kids to see how they were doing. The house looked a complete and disgusting mess so I literally cleaned the entire thing.. I went to the store to pick up cleaning supplies and some extra food my mom needed.
I swept I mopped I dusted for her and cleaned the bathrooms that so badly needed cleaning. I had my niece and nephew help me and I got to see my meow meow who I missed so much!
I literally spent 3 hours cleaning that house and completely forgot I had work at 5 and I was there until almost 3:30! Where I live now is a 30 min drive. I was driving so fucking fast I was hoping I wouldn’t get pulled over. I was only driving so fast because I wanted to get fierce for work since it was the first day in weeks I didn’t have to work a double on a Saturday so I managed to get ready in 20 minutes which was a miracle I pulled off. I bolted out the door and went to work.
I had a great day and I knew I was going to make sure it stayed that way and I did. Work was good the day was good and my outfit was TOO GOOD lol.
So the day was overall good and I’m really glad that I did this suicide prevention walk.
If you ever feel alone know you have me to talk to. No one should ever feel alone or without someone to talk to or suicidal. Life is such an amazing experience and life should be appreciated and lived to the fullest. Like I’ve said before, shit happens and bad things are always going to happen because that’s just the inevitable. It’s a matter of how much you notice the good in your life rather than the bad.