Dear Joey

Dear Joey,

It’s been exactly a year that you’ve been gone..

I’m not quite sure to go about writing this letter because I wish I could sit you in front of me and tell you how I really feel and express it but this is the best I could do these days.

To say the least..

I miss you

I guess now would be the time to tell you what all has happened and how I’ve felt since you’ve been gone for a whole year.

After you passed I went a little crazy within my own head.. Although you and I weren’t exactly as close leading up to your death you were still my best friend and I still loved you very much.

I’m still sorry if I couldn’t be there for you more and I’m sorry it took me awhile to get close to you again after what all happened.. I just wasn’t sure how to get close so I remained distant..

After you passed away I did allot of things to test my endurance. I ran more and wanted to see how mentally and physically strong I am so I continued taking my kick boxing and did a Tough Mudder event where I ran 12 miles and did 25+ obstacle courses. I wrote allot and got out into nature and went hiking more. I took more photos to help me express how I feel about life. I wanted to find things to stay busy and out of trouble but that wasn’t the case..

Although I did so much to get my mind off things all of this still affected me in the hardest way. Although I still had fun and my friends were all there for me I just couldn’t feel.. I felt very numb and that’s never happened.. I tried burying myself in people to feel loved and cared for and in the end it completely back fired on me… I felt uncared for and felt very lonely so I started making mistakes and bad decisions… My anxiety went wild and I got fucked over in the worst way imaginable by someone. I won’t talk about it but it helped bring me back to reality and realize that no matter how much things suck and how much it hurts I have to keep going.. I’ve learned allot of self respect these days and stay busy as much as possible. I don’t go out much unless it’s someone’s birthday really.

I’m living with Jorge now whom we spent thanksgiving with 2 years ago. He’s a good friend, I could see why you guys were friends. Sometimes late at night around 1-2am I’ll go to the club house and watch a movie in the theater room since I know no one will be in there. The movie theater room is my favorite. Jorge has been helping me through a tough patch in life since I left home.

I still feel a little lonely and I still feel without much of a place in life but I’m trying, and I’m trying to build something solid for myself so I can have my own space to call home and be successful like I want to be. It’s just taking time and I’m having to jump high hurdles. I know things would be allot easier with you around because you and I could relate on so much and the way you spoke about things helped me give a shit less about little things and just live life. I miss how alive you were and how much you just liked to have fun.

I talk to Tawnee allot and I try to be there for her as much as possible because I know she misses you like you can’t imagine.

I wish you were here still..

I’ll never forget you and I’ll always do whatever I can to make sure you stay alive and people know who you were and what you stood for.. I light candles and pray for you as often as I can. You’re still my best friend and there’s so many times I go out and so many things still remind me of you and if I think too much on it it’ll make me really sad and I’ll have to go home because I’ll get really upset. My heart still hurts from all this and I’m learning to cope but things aren’t getting easier right now..

I did a suicide prevention walk just so I could do something for you just to show you I love you and care about you still and that I’m not forgetting you.

Yesterday me and my friends Cara and Scott went up to Zion. I’m in this really ugly ass rental and since I have to work today I figured I should really just get out of the house and go somewhere far to let my mind settle a little.

So I was driving Tuesday from the rental car place when it just struck me that I’m in a rental and should go to Zion with it and fuck the miles up a bit so I did. We got a really late start to hike because it’s always so packed there ESPECIALLY WITH CHILDREN. So we managed to find parking 30 min after we had already gotten there so we didn’t start hiking until about 2:30pm but it was ok because the sun was still out and the day was still nice.

I felt like we all took more selfies and photos of the trail more then we actually hiked lol.

We hiked this trail which is called the narrows and I’ve always wanted to do it because it’s a water trail and when you reach the end of the mile you can float down the river, it’s so cool. Once the mile is over there’s another trail you can pick up from the narrows that can take you further and that’s like 6-8 hours of water hiking but I’ve seen the photos online of it and it’s beautiful. Maybe next time we go if it’s really early we can do that one.

It was a trail I really wanted to hike because it is a water one after all and it was fun just really cold! I was hopping around the water trying not to fall. We had lunch on this big rock that was surrounded by these stacks of rocks people had put there.

I completely forgot about everything yesterday. I forgot about my problems I forgot about work I forgot about stress. You were the only thing I could think about because today is your 1 year of passing and it’s really personal for me.. It’s hard to really let you go and to not cry for you because I have so many of my moments but I know you’re around sometimes. I could feel you watching me sometimes. I know there’s things you do to direct me in certain directions because only you know me well enough to lead me in certain ways.

Today was just a big day for me as well because it’s not only the day you passed away but it’s the day I chose to want to live.

So to end this miss you letter I just want you to know Joey that you were my everything, you meant the world to me and you still do..

I’m really sad and I’ve been crying all day but I’ll be ok, I know I will.

 Everything takes time to deal with so I know things are taking a little more time with me but I’ll get through it.

I love you, I miss you and I’ll never forget you. Today starts a whole new chapter in my life and I want to make sure I move in the right direction. I hope you’re well and I hope God is leading you more towards light and forgiving you.

I’ll see you soon..

-Brian

“Don’t make me sad, don’t make me cry
Sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough, I don’t know why
Keep making me laugh
Let’s go get high
The road is long, we carry on
Try to have fun in the meantime.”

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