♄Brian ☾ Jamesøn♃

Welcome to my blog ♥ Here I'll discuss all aspects of self discovery. There's a piece of me that goes into each and every post I write. Each piece carries its own wave of thoughts and emotions for different reasons that you’ll come to find out. If interested, please subscribe. Thank you. -Jameson

Recent Posts

  • A Beautiful Force

    Glamour is one of the most tantalizing and bewitching aspects of contemporary culture — but also one of the most elusive.

    The aura of celebrity, the style of the fashion world, the vanity of the rich and beautiful, and the publicity-driven rites of cafe society are all imbued with its irresistible magnetism. But what exactly is glamour? Where does it come from? How old is it? And can anyone quite capture its magic?

    -While glamour is exciting and magnetic, its promise is ultimately an illusion that can only ever be partially fulfilled.

    -Stephen Gundy

    Beauty

    It seems like everyone chases it and wants it but doesn’t really understand it and it’s full being once it’s achieved since we’re all beautiful.

    Beauty and Glamour is so temporary but no one seems to really realize it’s true nature and what happens when you become obsessesed with it.

    Beauty is like a drug, it can be so damaging that you forget who you really are and get lost with what you think you are and what you’ve become..But you don’t want to stop because you’re afraid of what you’ll look like without cover up or eye liner or mascara, anything to cover up the real you in other words because of criticism..

    No one understands what really lays behind a mask or an image, they see the outside and they fall in love with it without really understanding, or the feelings someone might really have behind a made up image..

    I know because it’s something I struggle with from time to time, so I been there done that..and continue

    There comes a point where you don’t feel confident in your own skin anymore but this made up image you’ve created..This alter ego, this new person. It’s like being split in between 2 completely different people without realizing it. Sometimes you won’t even question yourself and continue looking the way you like to because of how infatuated you become with the new image rather than the old and only the people closest to you will realize this.

    We all hear “oh you know that that person looks like complete shit in person right?” all the time because of how different someone might look in person or just casual..or maybe they’re just wearing too much makeup? or too much hair spray in their hair?

    Some people won’t even have this problem though and that’s awesome, if you can look 2 completely different ways and still act and be the same person than that’s great. You don’t have to continue reading if that’s the case lol.

    But I guess you could say that’s why there’s trends and stereotypes, for people to choose what they like even if it’s not really them..It’s all about being your own person though, your own creation but remaining the same. It’s funny but it can be so consuming because you don’t feel any different you’re just doing what feels like innocent fun but you might have a different attitude going.

    When I go out dressed like normal and have curly hair and wear a beanie and basketball shorts with a t-shirt I really could care less by how I look because I’m not going anywhere important since I’m just dressed casual and like myself. Plus I’m really comfortable so I don’t give a shit at all at that point lol. But when I go out somewhere with friends like a club or the strip or a party, I’m a new person.

    I won’t go into detail because it’s just way too personal to talk about but it’s no longer really BRIAN, the casual Brian or Brian at all. It’s a new person, someone I made, this confidence comes out that I don’t really have much of when I’m just casual or like myself..It’s a feeling where you feel you’ve been waiting to do something and then do it and get happy. Afterwards it’s like, why couldn’t you just be happy or satisfied? Why do you feel the need to do so much?

    The only reason I feel the need to describe all of this is because I don’t want people out there to get so infatuated with beauty and glamour without fully understanding what really goes on with your confidence and the games you play with your feelings and with yourself. The personalities you sometimes create can be quite harmful to yourself and others but you just have to remember to always stay true to yourself and understand who you are first.

    People see models and think they’re gorgeous woman or men without realizing what they might of had to do to become that beautiful or to get to where they are in their career or worse, the filth they might of had to go through to continue to progress ahead..

    No one really questions, they just see it and want it because it looks good and want to be it and sometimes, do it..Ever hear of those people that act different around certain people? People who don’t have a personality of their own because they want to be liked so bad that they try and become like everyone else so that people will like them? It’s kind of the same idea but you get what I’m getting at.

    I guess what I’m really trying to say is that, beauty is so temporary for you to do damage by creating multiple personalties over. Just be careful as to getting lost in what you see and who you are when you look in the mirror..

    Quote Of The Day

    “Beauty is like an hour glass, you put on your mask and the sand starts, once the night is over that mask comes off and you’re left however you were feeling about yourself previously. Be happy with who you are if you’re not.”

  • Goodbye 2010

    Beatles love show before it started
    Tecopa, where I would go to isolate and just think..
    Long Beach

    Man…..2010, what can I say, another year of disappointment…I told myself I’d do so much more this year I told myself I wouldn’t let anything get in my way and what happens.I end up in the same situation I was in last year and barely moved one step ahead..Luckily I can at least give myself some kind of credit for at least trying to progress and do what I want and actually do more than I expected to be doing.I guess you can call me one of those people that appreciates what’s in front of me but feel I should be doing more with myself and am trying to do more with myself but just like allot of other things, some things take time to reach.

     

    Always keep the smile

    I’ve struggled with who I am this year more than anything, finding myself more learning more about myself and I know that starting August (the month I started going nuts) I was meant to be doing everything I was, I needed a really good breath of just new people and new experiences and just being a teen pretty much but now it’s time to really settle down and get my head right..Party’s and clubs and drinking is only fun until it begins to really catch up to you and then you find yourself drowning in drama and always stressed about shit and that’s when you know when to stop.

     

    Love

    I’m not going to complain and say this year was full on just shit even if I believe it was because I learned from so much I got more in touch with myself and with the help of some wise people I know I was able to see the entire picture not just fragments or just the pieces that were “real” from it.

    Meow Meow kept me sane another year and we bonded more after I left the bad environment I was living in before August.I honestly don’t know what I’d do without Meow Meow

     

    Merry Christmas Meow Meow-2010

    It was definitely a journey this year and a wake up call and realization that everything that has happened in my life has really been happening for a reason so I honestly hands down can say I’m ready for 2011.I turn 20 in january and I can’t let next year go by and be stuck at where I’m at right now and then turn 21 and lose my mind about what I’m really going to do..

     

    Alexis..

     

    Alexis's B-day

    Sometimes life doesn’t seem fair, you try and keep trying and realize you’re just going to keep falling on your face, not for the hell of it but because you have to learn to turn from what’s making you fall on your face and try variety and see what else is out there in the world that you can learn and grow from.You break up with people that you’ve been in long term relationships with because you no longer have anything to learn from or maybe you’re not as happy as you should be or maybe it’s not even about you but about them and what lesson ‘they’ need to learn, just my personal opinion. I’ve been single almost 3 years now and it sucks but i’m still pushing and i’m in no way ready to bring someone into my problems and struggles so it’s been best for me to be single and many people don’t look at their situations or struggles they’re in they just want someone to be there for them when they fall which is reasonable but in the end, you’re the only one left standing where you left off people are just a crutch..

    I’ve met plenty amazing people I will definitely be keeping in touch with until next year and there’s people I will definitely cut off for good.I no longer care for just random strangers,I’m getting a day older everyday and realize how immature some people still are and how much they have to learn and refuse to learn because almost nobody wants to be told what to do since everyone wants to do things “their” way.I no longer care to help out as much as I use to or be as patient with douche bags like I was. I’ve never had so much drama in my life until I started giving strangers a chance which lets me know that my ways on how I was before being so open were fine as they were and I should of never gave some people even the time or day.

     

    Club Das Bunker LA

     

    Zach

    I have big plans and I’m keeping my mouth shut about them this time and just slowly but surely going to reach my goals.When I do everyone who has ever doubted me will regret what they ever said and literally eat their own shit because we all know the saying that success is definitely the ultimate revenge.I’m not a vengeful person either, I just like to make sure whoever was ever in the wrong realizes what they did and said and feels stupid in the end for finally coming to terms with their own stupidity and ignorance of foul play and foul manners.I’d do anything for anybody and instead I just get slaps in the face so this time, I’m slapping back.

     

    Featured on spark notes
    Vanity Magazine UK

    2010 might of made me feel sad and upset about how much I didn’t get to do like I wanted and I am really sad I feel lonely and beat up and not satisfied with myself but it’s my own fault for not trying as hard as I should but I as well let things happen the way they should and did.I love myself more than anyone and anything in this world and I’m going to continue to grow, I might of grown up too fast but I’m embracing it and I’ve felt much happier doing so because of they great communication with people I have nowadays.I’ve learned that age really is nothing but a number and that as long as you’re happy and can have an intellectual conversation, you’re fine.Some people might disagree and I know what they will disagree with me about but I understand completely where people come from when it comes to age I just have a broad way of looking at things.I wish everyone luck and hope everyone reaches their goals next year if they didn’t this year and I hope for the best

    So before the years over, meet me

    My names Brian Amador

    Brian Is who I am and who I protect

    Jameson is the half that completes me

    Amador is the spanish definition for a male lover, which is what I am to the core of my being

    I love hard

    I love myself

    I have respect

    I have morals

    I care for almost everyone

    I try

    I fight

    I’m a hopeless romantic

    I’ll live life to the fullest and not regret a single thing, just learn

    I’m human and will never have to have some prop 8 or dadt proposal make me feel less of who I am or try to fit in because being human is already enough and I’m already equal to everyone it all comes down to the type of person you are and who will respect and accept you, that’s it..

    Goodbye 2010

    your memories will stay stuck like glue on paper

    I learned more this year and I’m not going to complain just keep loving life as it comes.

    I hope everyone does the same and just appreciates what they have.

    I’m ready for what’s coming next and I’m excited whether it be bad or good.

    Tomorrow’s a new day

    Tomorrow things might change

    I’m ready for 2011 and this time

    I’ll try harder

    -King Of Hearts

  • Half and Half

     

    Andy

    I just got back home from a quick trip to cali, tonight.

    I must say, things definitely didn’t go the way I planned and it was a good thing.

    I normally go out and take advantage of being in cali and hit up Hollywood within the same night I get there or the very next day.

    This time around I actually got to meet my half brother that I haven’t seen since I was about 15 and got to see my half sister who I haven’t seen since I was about 17.Getting to meet them all grown up and being able to talk to them like a person and not like a little kid was really really different.

    I got in contact with my half sister first, she texted me about 2 days before Christmas from my dad’s phone, I didn’t know that was even his new number or that he got a new phone or anything so I was a bit thrown off since the last time I talked to him was on my 18th birthday, the day he didn’t even show up and I’ve been very bitter towards him ever since. So she texts me and tells me that she’s 13 now and that my half brother is 16 and I’m just like wow by this time because they’re so grown and I have never really talked to them.

    So I got the chance to meet them Monday and I find out my half brother is gay and looks almost identical to me, good genes definitely run in the family lol.

    I’m not happy that my half brother’s gay but I’m glad that there’s someone I can relate to and talk to in the family that’s gay.So we went to the mall, took pictures he met my mom’s side of the family and loved them so overall it was definitely a great experience and very different for me. So if you’ve been getting adds from him then you know who he is and that he isn’t a random stranger 😛

    Normally I hate going to cali for quick trips like these but this one was definitely worth it and definitely let me know that sometimes you have to quit on the party’s and stay your ass home to really enjoy family and see how great it can be, to be around everyone this time of year.I plan on being back in cali sometime around February so since I didn’t get to see anyone this time I’ll definitely try and make up for it next year. =]

    I’m going to try and get my brother to come out next summer so that everyone can meet him and he can join in on all the party’s and such in vegas.

    Maybe this talking to them will bring me closer to my dad, I’m not sure because I tend to hold grudges but after the talk we had last night I think I knocked some sense into him to talking to me more. The fact kids get older doesn’t mean that they don’t need a father figure in their life anymore.Sometimes I wish him and I would talk more and do dad and son things because I know I’m fem and everything but my mom is like the worst person to talk to about my kind of situations, I definitely see why some people prefer their dads to talk to and to rely on because each parent is always different in their own ways and woman will be woman and men will be men so there’s things about both genders that strike you or leave you saying wtf.

    I hope next year I get more in touch with my dads side of the family and my half brothers and sisters and such.

    ❤

    Me,Mom,Andy

     

    Quote of The Day

    “Everything always happens for a reason and when it all happens unexpectedly and your plans mysteriously change completely and you find yourself doing something better than you planned, find the reason for why you were put in that situation and how it was greater than what you originally planned on doing to begin with.”

  • Nostalgia

    Last year exactly around this time I was sitting on the couch watching disney movies such as the sword in the stone cinderella and peter pan as well as playing pokemon and drinking tangerine tea.I would wait up until 3-4am all cozy, waiting for my mom to get back home from work to talk to her about everything such as you know christmas shopping or life or how work was and what I have planned for next year and so on..I think the most important part of living together with everyone was the fact it was a family together.

    This year it’s my mom brother and I, it just feels so different..It feels like there’s a void waiting to be filled but isn’t going to happen..I know me and my sister don’t get along but her and her kids are family regardless of all the bullshit that has gone on..Everything is just so different to last year, idk why I feel so sad about everything but I do.This Christmas just doesn’t feel like it’s going to be the same.Everyone is making their lives and making things happen and that’s great, Christmas is a time to be with family regardless I just don’t really feel this ones going to be like all the others. I know I sometimes could care less about allot of things and come off to be really jaded but I have a big heart and there are some things I miss growing up and everything being how it was.

    I don’t regret anything and I know this is a step to growing up and learning to get used to everyone doing their own thing and having to stick to just 2 other family members for the holidays which is fine it just sort of hurts to be separated around this time of year and I’m sure plenty agree I don’t know maybe I’m just being a big baby, I just get sad easily sometimes, you know when you just get a flash back of a memory and it continues and then you listen to a certain song you were listening to a year or 2 ago and go back to that time or just remember how things were and realize how different and lonely everything might look..I guess you could say that’s what’s going on right now

    I realize I’ve kept in too much this year and it’s all slowly but surely unraveling, I have a good way with not showing it but I can feel it. I feel more confused and regretful about my actions as of lately, angry and irritated with myself and how much around me has shook me up, not sure what direction to steer in my life right now, I have an idea but I’m struggling trying to get there.I might just start giving up allot to just isolate like always tend to do and just think and see where to go and where to start..

    I feel so stressed with myself my actions my wants and my dislikes.It bugs me because I’m so certain about everything but for once I just feel a bit lost, not completely I just need to think and get my feet back on the ground.Ever since I’ve moved into my new location I’ve gone out to try and cover up how I’ve really fealt and it’s just all hitting me at once and I’m not sure how to feel about it all but I’m getting through it step at a time, just need to think..

    I’m not sure how the end of this year will turn out but hopefully it’s good and I figure out what I want next year and how I’ll come to terms with my actions, career and faith most importantly.

     

    Quote Of The Day

    “Whenever you feel sad and downer than ever, smile and laugh about something to make it all easier..”

  • Vacation

    So I came to california Tuesday morning, got picked up by my cougar step mom :]

    Bar Sinister

     

    It feels great to be back in Santa Monica and Hollywood, this place is like home

    I’m not one to run away from my problems or need time away from vegas because shit bugs me but lately that’s been the case.Bunch of bullshit going on from different directions not knowing who to trust, wondering if people are playing games with you, it’s just stupid.If people could just be more real and own up to their shit I wouldn’t have a problem but it’s that don’t say anything don’t talk about it shit that just bugs the fuck outta me because I like to confront and move on.

    stanley getting ready to IM his baby momma

    So I decided last minute to just take a trip to cali for awhile, most likely be back next month sometime. I know out here It’ll be allot easier to just relax clear my head and spend time with family and friends that actually care about me. It gets really hard when you want to meet new people but are just afraid of what KIND of people they are. I don’t feel like figuring out people or dealing with pitty ass shit, I hate it.

    Das Bunker

    Went to Moscow wednesday night and had some drinks and saw lots of eye candy

    See this is the difference between vegas and california

    In vegas it’s almost impossible to find a hot guy down the street or hot boys that’ll pay you attention at a club

    In california all the boys flock and it’s just the best feeling for some odd reason haha.

    California is home

    I have much more people out here to trust and talk to than I ever will in vegas.

    I don’t care who has issues with who out here or what anyone really has to say about who’s fake and who isn’t, I love it out here and love the people I know.If for any reason anyone proves themselves to be shit THEN i’ll have every right to open my mouth, until then I’m good.

    I want to try and come home next week though because I don’t want to get to use to being out here and then be dissapointed returning home.My mission while being out here is to just get back on my 2 feet clear my head and just block out any unnecessary shit out. I’ll deal with some other shit and people once I’m back cause it’s definitely not over.

    the point is

    Prove yourself, who the fuck are you cause i’m tired of trying to figure it out

    By the end of this trip I plan to be slightly be changed, change is already taking action so I’ll grab a hold of it now and change some of my ways again.Change is sometimes necessary and in my case it’s needed.I’ve opened up my eyes to much more new experiences though and I’m proud of myself.

    We’ll see what the future brings

  • Love Soldiers

    I see this happen all the time

    It seems like I’m being put outside of the box of love due to the fact of how many peoples relationships crash without warning or spiral downward so quickly.

    I get scared thinking about losing someone I’ll date for a long time, it’s a scary thought and a huge risk.You never know what kind of impact someone will have in your life or how hard they might hurt you.

    I’ve seen a particular situation happen countless numbers of times, in movies in real life, as of lately, everywhere really.

    I may only have dated someone for exactly 4 months but I can definitely understand where some people come from when they date for years on and off and put up with so much shit and their friends just look at them like idiots for it.

    The thing is FROM WHAT I THINK

    When you date someone for sooo long you begin to see love through their eyes, you begin to think of the future and forming a family and how far you can really take it with them how to make them happy and they do they might do the same, no longer do you really think about yourself or how you can stand on your own alone but how you can stand together as one.This is absolutely great and it’s a gift to really love someone as much as you can and congrats if it works out in the end and everyone finds their happy ending.

    When you lose someone,  this is of course where the problem occurs

    you get so caught up in love that you forget all about yourself sometimes, forget what you’re really worth.

    You feel lost, you feel like you don’t know where to go or what to do, like a fool for believing in so much false hope.

    Feels like you’ve had everything taken away from you and like you reached the highest form of love and just had it taken away with the blink of an eye.People don’t even know what to do with themselves because of it.I seen people just stay broke down for a long time because of it.

    Which is why I make sure I’m being treated the way I should be and I’m doing the same for the other.

    I’m not saying don’t look at your relationship like it’s going to end sometime because then it really will and like it won’t last but just be aware of things happening and how you might stand alone without that person by your side.There’s some people out there strong enough to just say fuck it all but then there’s those who just dwell on it.It really all depends how that person impacted you.

    I know there’s those people we date and we just feel like we’ll never find someone like them (which you won’t) but sometimes you’ll find better or someone completely different with something different to offer.

    I just think that sometimes people are taken from us to avoid US from getting hurt.No one thinks about that, no one thinks about the fact that maybe it really just is for the best even if everything was going amazing and just ended in shit.

    It all happens for a reason

    People always say why or how

    The truth is, you don’t know what will happen in the future or how you’ll react to some kind of problems.It’s better to go with the flow to see what turns love can take but at the same time be aware of the fact you’re your own person and your partner is another.Together you can be one but only if the other person is someone you know you can trust without a doubt.

    Do you really want to be giving your heart out to someone unfaithful and rude to you with you being aware of it but continue to try with them? No, that person obviously doesn’t care about you because that’s not love or care but someone trying to man handle you.Some people have issues that WE can’t always fix, these problems run deeper than what you will have with someone and only they can help themselves, NOT YOU.

    If someone wants to leave you, let them leave because in the end these people will be the ones old, single, lonely, and feeling like shit for years of their life because of the fact they didn’t change or make the effort to change or make something work and instead maybe even regret for being the way they were, focused on their pride and their hormones more than someone who could of loved them till the end.

    To break this down, it comes down to

    No one knows what the future holds in store or what our situations might be but everyone has a head and knows how to use it.Everyone needs to just be stronger than what they act and know when they’re being mistreated or taken advantage of.

    People just make big deals over stupid shit and end up fucking everything up

    If your partner just wants to get out and do their thing LET THEM, if you love someone then that means you trust them and know they won’t screw you over, right?

    If you need to spend time with your friends or have time alone, do it.

    It doesn’t mean they need a break from YOU but a break from everything itself and just need to be surrounded by the people that they’ve grown up with or people that know them as well as you do.

    I just think that when you really love someone enough you won’t or shouldn’t have a wandering eye or a worry of your partner getting with someone else to see what else is out there, you should stay loyal to the one that has your heart.

    People just give out their hearts these days like a toy, I would know because I’ve done it pleanty of times and feel like an idiot afterwards, but i’m still alive and doing fine? I’m still on my mission to find the one and I don’t care how young I am or If I won’t find the one right now.I know what I want and know I have to be patient with these things.You can’t rush things, honestly.

    Take it slow, have fun, LAUGH, feel free even if you’re tied to someone, do your thing with knowing you both trust one another.Don’t start shit about something if it really shouldn’t be blown up.If you have a suspicion, ask, don’t assume anything.

    It’s just sad to see so many people break all because they don’t think correctly or apologize and just concentrate so much on how angry they get and are.

    Breathe and just figure things out

    Of course you have to really pay attention to what the problem is and how big it is and how bad someone might of fucked up on you and this is where it’s up to you to decide whether you take them back or just end things completely.It’s not my part to say WHAT TO DO when you’re having problems with someone but just be smart about it, don’t overreact on things you shouldn’t be overreacting about, think before you speak.

    I wish the best for everyone and again I might be wrong and maybe not even be right about what i’m talking about but this is just my way of thinking.No one has to believe me or the shit I have to say just be smart about your choices and decisions you take.

    Quote Of The Day

    “Find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated, someone who will show you they love you and not just say it.Someone who will keep you laughing, someone who will apologize if they’re wrong.Don’t wear your heart on your sleeve but keep it in your chest where it belongs with only opening it to that one person who deserves all of you.”

  • The Pain Procedure

    This morning i got a phone call from my mom

    She always calls me when she gets off of work to see how everything is at home and if we need anything at home so she can stop by the store.

    I can’t remember how we got into this discussion of love and dating but I remember her telling me how she was happy being single, she does enjoy being single I know this. Every time someone asks her if she has a bf she’s always quick to be reluctant and say hell no.

    This morning i got a glimpse of her emotional side for once though, she opened up about how she’s afraid to pretty much love again and how whenever you do you just end up hurt in the long run so what was the point? She was being really tacit but I could understand what she was getting at.

    I never talk to my mom about love or anything relating because it’s sort of awkward and I always get apprehensive about what she’ll tell me and since I’m not hard to annoy I know I’ll just be rude about what she has to say

    but I told her that she can’t be afraid of loving for that reason and that everyone’s their own person and has their own thing coming to them and sometimes maybe you just have to be patient and wait for someone to come to you.Knowing my mom she still insisted on disagreeing and still didn’t want to know about guys OR girls in that matter haha.

    I had a flashback as well when we got off the phone

    When i went to take my driver’s test i remember the lady giving me the test had been with her bf for 6 YEARS and they had only fought once and the fight they had turned into a hysterical laugh because of what they said during the fight.I was astonished when she told me that and knew relationships do have hope you just have to work out the problems not bicker about them.

    From there I began to think

    Some people need certain other people to help them realize things in life that they’re blind to and sometimes you have to get the boot and let someone else walk into their life that they will be compatible with and that will help them through life.

    I know there’s a profound amount of people who cringe when it comes to relationships and love because of the fact they don’t want to get hurt but it shouldn’t be that way.

    I’m an extremely sensitive person but i can accept the fact i might not be good enough for someone and that it is O-K.I know theres someone out there for me, for all of us in that matter.I believe in patience though and that waiting and going through people and finding things out and being hurt will just make you so much more stronger.What has crying and complaining ever brought? nothing but more pain right? That’s why i think you have to just pick up the pieces and walk forward again.

    There is no subsequent plan when it comes to love or relationships everything is always so unexpected that the best you can do is just give it your all and sometimes even prepare for the worst but hope for the best.I personally like loving someone even if in the end it means me getting hurt and looking like a fool for loving that person at least I did what i do best and just put my all into them.

    One thing you should remember is that when you impact someones life you leave a part of you with them, something they will always remember whether it be your way of being, great personality, maybe even your hot looks? etc. As long as someone remembers you that should satisfy you if nothing else will because i think being forgotten is the worst part ever.This is why i strive to put my all into someone because I WANT it to work and if it doesn’t then I at least hope to leave a part of me with them and wish them luck.

    I honestly think loves a great thing

    I think I enjoy it so much because I like the feeling of caring so much for someone other than myself or someone that’s family oriented and building something with them.It can be an amazing experience with the right person you just have to be patient and smart about it all.

    I know I’m a huge sap but love is something I feel very strong about

    I hope everyone out there finds what they’re looking for but look within yourself first.

    1 Corinthians 13:3-Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

    I’m not afraid of being hurt because I rather be hurt and know I’m trying than sitting back doing nothing, you have to be brave.

    Quote Of The Day

    “Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being “in love” which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.”

    -St. Augustine

  • Alexis

    Before i get started i just want to inform everyone that this is a very vulnerable side of me and i don’t talk too much on feelings so i hope everything makes sense and everyone understands..

    Helping Her Figure Out How To Play With Her Toy

    Ever since my niece was born and we found out she had blue eyes and blonde hair i knew she was going to be very misunderstood when she got older in the family, kind of how i was.The rest of the family is so different and only 2 others in our family are blonde hair and blue eyes.

    2 years ago i could of told you i never wanted kids or ever wanting to watch them or wanting anything to do with them.I’ve always been jaded toward them because i thought they were annoying and what not, typical young person thing to say.This little girl has changed my life completely ever since i started taking care of her.

    about a year ago shit went down at home and i had to take care of my sisters 5 year old boy and 1 year old girl

    one of the first pictures taken of her

    It was seriously like being in jail, i never went anywhere for months on end just took care of kids from baby sitters to the store to putting them to bed, feeding them etc..I was living the life of a single dad with 2 kids haha i also had to make sure my brother was doing good in school as well since my mom works night hours but he always helped with the 5 year old since it was the easiest since he understood.It was such a responsibility making sure they never got sick and making sure they were well that it sometimes became unbearable to deal with.I never imagined i’d be in such a situation but my greatest ideas always came to mind at night so it was convenient in some way at least.

    Food!

    in the meantime of taking care of them i began bonding with my niece allot.seeing how kids react over certain things, i never really let her cry, I automatically knew what she was whining and crying about so it was easier for me to cope and deal with everything, i was better at taking care of her than my sister was.To top it off she was excellent at understanding when it was time to eat shower or go to bed.I fealt as if she were mine because of the connection, it was like she understood what i meant more than the 5 year old did.From there forward i let my guard down, let my beliefs about ever wanting kids down and just stepped into this whole thing with an open clear state of mind.Theres nothing i could of done to change my situation so the least i could of done was change the way i thought and make myself change for the better.She seriously became a big part of my life from that time forward.

    Her first birthday.oh man (don’t hate me for putting makeup on her haha)
    First time dying the tips of her hair pink! (she was trying to be lady gaga..)

    She taught me how to be responsible, caring, loving, genuine about what i do, HOW TO HAVE SELF-FUCKING-CONTROL how to discipline correctly (not in the abusive manner, I’ve never been abusive to kids)  and how to overall just care for a child and not talk down about them, so in other words, How to be a man.I’ve always been the type to just not give a fuck and do what i want and not care but i’m a strong believer that everything happens for a reason and some of us have to grow up differently.I’m much more sincere about everything now because of her.I don’t like to believe that people or anything can change me because i should always know my faults and change them since i know myself more than anyone but sometimes you’re so stubborn that you believe you’re right and not wrong until you have someone else step in your life and this was that case.I accept change though, i don’t fight it because i know that the way I’m changing is for the better.I’m ALLOT more friendlier and loving now than i’ve ever been.I love this girl as if she were my own, seriously and once we move out i don’t know how it’s going to be like not seeing her around stealing my stuff and running all through out the house trying to hand me my phone being a diva, it’s hard enough thinking about it.I’m not one to open up about these kind of things because like allot of other things, I take it personal and don’t want anyone saying anything bad so i keep it all to myself.I don’t like to feel like i’m exposing myself to vicious remarks and cruelty of any sort.I’m not what anyone would expect and i think this blog goes to prove it.

    This was just something i fealt i thought i should share so people can understand why i got this done.

    The concept was for it to look like a kid drawing, it looks a bit different now since it’s healed

    April 30th

    Everything back at home is semi-back to normal but life isn’t perfect so i’m not complaining just glad it’s not as horrible as before, i’m doing allot better now than i’ve ever been in the past 3 years and plan to move out possibly by next year or the year after who knows where life will take me in the next 2 years.

    -I’m always changing now and she helped me change in ways i didn’t ever imagine changing in.-

    The sayings true, big things come in small packages.

    I was the first one she walked to

    Who would of thought a child of ALL things would change ME? that’s a big step for myself because i actually let my guard down for the entire change process.

    So with all this being said i hope I’ve reached out to everyone out there that refuses to ever want kids, to just give them a chance and see what happens by just a couple times of baby sitting.Don’t get me wrong there are a pack of bad ass little kids out there but only because their parents don’t know how to teach manners and let them do what they want.My niece and nephew were hell on wheels as well until i put my foot down and stepped in the picture, so i can understand people having wild childs.

    Her Merry Christmas Pose

    I’m not encouraging anyone to have sex or to start having kids at an early age or with someone you “think” you’ll be together forever with if the relationships shit.I just hope everyone is allot more open to the kid subject than most.

    Having a child is something extremely sacred just like sex and everyone thinks it’s fine to spread legs for the whole world to see what you’ve got and to pop kids out like a fucking vending machine.I just think it’s unethical behavior to gloat about being pregnant and not knowing who the dad is or already planning child support because the bf or dad is a piece of shit.How could you even live your life in peace like that? if you’re horny use a condom or stay on top of your fucking birth control that’s as simple as it gets, really.

    My niece helped me understand all of this and that’s why everything I wrote here today is from personal experience I’ve been through.

    She loves the camera

    PS:I’ll be updating this blog more to post videos and more pictures from time to time

     

    Quote Of The Day
    “If you expand your mind and stop listening to others opinions on things and focus on your own you’ll realize how you can make life a great experience and a place with no limits.”

  • Mothers Day 2010

    Today i got to go out with my mom for mothers day finally,  for the first time in a long time.Luckily she had the day off so we went out and got facials and went to dinner with my little brother at the red rock casino.

    The cherry nightclub

    To start off the day though, she got home at like 4am from work so we watched toy story 2 and layed in her bed drinking tea 😀

    It was pretty chill, drama free day (surprisingly)

    not like normal mothers days, when normally we just sit at home give gifts and eat dinner.This year we just went all out.

    I took it very personal because normally i don’t care much for these kind of holidays, so it was nice to just go out and talk with my mom.I couldn’t get a picture with her though cause she had no makeup on and she HATES pictures with no makeup on, especially if her hairs in a pony tail but i got her on video! haha, here are some pictures with my little brother as well.

    We look NOTHING ALIKE lol

    NO makeup at all, waiting for our food

    hooray!!! Nachos! yum!!!

    [gigya width=”470″ height=”410″ src=”http://www.buzznet.com/assets/bnflvplayer4.swf?file=http://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/videox/4/5/7/3/9/9/1/vid-4573991.flv&clip=http://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/imgx/1/1/0/9/2/6/0/1/large-11092601.jpg&autoStart=false&site=bn&video_file_id=4573991&ad_tag=&oheight=410&owidth=470&tag=0&suppressAd=1&s_account=buzznetpoc&s_dc=112&s_visitorNamespace=buzznet&oas_path=http://www.buzznet.com/assets/OmnitureActionSource.swf” quality=”best” flashvars=”file=http://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/videox/4/5/7/3/9/9/1/vid-4573991.flv&clip=http://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/imgx/1/1/0/9/2/6/0/1/large-11092601.jpg&autoStart=false&site=bn&video_file_id=4573991&ad_tag=&tag=0&suppressAd=1&s_account=buzznetpoc&s_dc=112&s_visitorNamespace=buzznet&oas_path=http://www.buzznet.com/assets/OmnitureActionSource.swf” wmode=”transparent” ]

    I act so different when i make videos compared to how i act normally, don’t get the wrong impression, i just act like a dork when it comes to them haha.

    and I just wanted to say, for all the people who have  lost a mother and is having a hard time coping with today, i feel for you and i hope everyone pulled through ok and didn’t look to alcohol or drugs to make you feel a bit better or something of the sort.

    I believe dealing with reality without anything to put you under the influence is more mature and makes you look stronger and helps you just deal with things on a clearer state of mind, than doing something to make you feel worse.But everyone has their own alternative way of dealing with things.

    But yeah that was my mothers day this year and we can’t forget meow meow!!! who is also a momma! 😛

    bad picture but she was not in the mood, she misses her babys!

    Hope everyone had a good day!

  • Saying Goodbye..

    Today matty and catlin moved to indiana..

    This was seriously the hardest goodbye i’ve ever had to do in my entire life..

    From the very start I’ve been there for my boys and they’ve been there for me through the hardest times.everything already doesn’t feel the same.Walking down the stairs waiting to go home feels different since they’re not there to hug goodbye or anything..I know they’ll be back to visit but all those party animal days and new years partys and birthdays are over..We seized every moment and tried to live life to the fullest all together..

    They are the true people i trust with everything, their family is like my family their pain is like my pain and their leaving hurts just as much as it’s going to hurt not seeing them every weekend..I know i have other true friends but these boys were just the center of my universe..

    They’re off to start a new life now and i wish them the best because that’s a huge step but sometimes we need to do it in our life to really gain lifes full experience and to truely find ourselves.We can’t just sit around and expect shit to pop up and i love them for being leaders amongst the majority of people we knew.

    Catlin is the type to take charge and say this is how things will be and matty is the type to negotiate it and see if it’s a good idea before really doing whatever it is they want to do and im the type to give my opinions and make sure their plans go through perfectly, im the dr.phil haha.Together those boys make an amazing couple.It’s like seeing batman and robin, or wonder woman and captain america hahaha.Shit, they make me wish i had someone to smother like they do to each other just on how passionate and crazy they are about each other.

    I have the utmost respect for them and i know this is gonna take a toll on me since i don’t really have friends but I know im either going to give vegas a couple more shots and see if i meet anyone worth staying for that i could get along with and take life somewhere with which might not happen but otherwise i’m just going to move far far away as well.Hong Kong might actually be a big possibility now in october…Theres nothing really left for me in vegas anymore..Everyone has their own life here that im barely a part of and im tired of being screwed over or shit on..I’m not as conniving as people may think, My way of being is to protect me from being hurt over and over again by the majority of people that want to fuck around and see if they can gain anything off of you.I have too much heart and personality to be letting fake people into my life to just abuse it you know? i rather have no friends at all then expose myself to people i don’t trust.

    Around the boys i didn’t feel like i had to have my guard up or i had to monitor what i said to not give away who i really am, they know me better than allot of people do.This shits tough knowing they’re gone now and left with a huge piece of me..

    Well I guess you can call this post a goodbye for now..it’s sad to think about everything we use to do together and how we’re all moving on now to bigger and greater things..The drinking, fighting, partying, crying it’s all just a memory now, we live we learn we experience and move on.This is just the way life is and goes.These boys know the real brian that not many people know much about because of how many fronts i put up..Which is why i hung around them so much, for once i was able to be completely myself..

    This is harder for me than anyone will ever understand since even right now im just being brief because of how depressing this topic is for me..I just want everyone to know how much i really care about them and how much they really impacted my life..I might not ever meet people like them that i am able to fully trust and put my everything into..But if i ever do, than that person got lucky..

    We’re not what the majority of people think and i believe that’s what brings us together to understand each other more, Only we know how each other works.Not once have we gotten into a fight, we’ve had a disagreement once and that was it.They’re my everything

    We did everything together, including holding the 3rd biggest flag in the world last year for gay pride hahaha.

    So goodbye for now boys, I’ll miss you like no other…

    Maybe this will actually help me realize what i really want out of life as well..

    We’ll see what happens…

    xoxoxoxo

    -Brian

    Quote Of The Day

    “If you feel your life is like tangled thread then slowly take it apart, don’t cut it or you’ll just have to knot it back together..”

  • Baby Steps

    So today i FINALLY got my license, i got delayed so many times because of stupid shit and then last time i tried taking the test i failed for hitting a fucking barrel while parralel parking…But i got it so i feel like im slowly progressing already, and its only january!..Its something not so serious but it means something to me since i’ve been trying to get it for a while now.My next step is gonna be to try and help my mom find a house online or around town so we can move already and i can get the fuck off my ass and start working.I cannot begin to explain how much i hate being at home when i know i can be doing something with myself besides baby sitting or sitting in front of a computer screen all the time.

    I have another photoshoot this weekend or the next again, this one will be in town.This studio in vegas found interest in my work since im starting to do more implied nude work so they put together this idea of an an implied nude shoot called “seduction”? which will consist of me trying to seduce a 19 yr old photographer, lets see where that goes.You’ll be able to find pictures on any of my sites posted so just take a look when they’re up.

    The whole idea about freelance modeling is to find photographers and build up a portfolio therefor you’re considered an aspiring model meaning you’re in the process of working your way up (which is what i’m doing) to being a model and working with agency’s.You can go to an agency anytime you want and do your thing without having to find any photographers and all that but its better to practice and get good shots so that when you go you’re like BAM heres what i got give me some jobs now that you see what i can do.Just depends how much you network and go to big events.Model mayhem holds events in vegas occasionally so i think i’ll show up at the next one this year, who knows.

    My goal by the end of  this year  is to just get with an agency, if i feel my portfolios ready.I just need a couple more shots a couple more different image changes to show what im about and then i’ll be set and ready for a career with this.Wish me luck! cause even if i might not be doing what i want right now my times gonna come reallly soon and when it does everyone better be ready, thats all i gotta say.

    Quote Of The Day

    “This industry is about NOTHING but image and competition so keep your BEST ideas to yourself if you want to be the first to reach the top.Remember the difference between advice and sharing ideas.”

  • The Irony of Meeting People

    So i met my friend jills sister janice vidal today, and i must say shes almost just like jill.Both girls are caring and loveing.Both understand people and can relate and help out with problems.Regarding anyones profession the one thing you should look for is if they’re real or fake and these 2 girls are definitely realer then real they reminded me of myself.I’ve come to love them both allot and my mom and I pretty much concider them family.

    I met up with janice outside the lingerie shop then walked the caesars palace a bit and we fucked around the forum shops.Afterwards we took off to the mgm, got some starbucks and helped her pack up to go home.We didn’t have time to do much but within just those 2 hours of hanging out i realized these girls were gonna be a big part of my life more than they already are..What are the chances of meeting a friend from japans sister in VEGAS out of all places (i mean besides the show that went on).

    Overall today was kind of an insight to next year, i took it as a sign that when you least expect someone or something to show up in front of you it’ll hit you surprise you and throw you off your feet.So the next time you guys are expecting to see someone you haven’t met relax and when you least expect it they’ll be standing right in front of you.With just a little effort, hope, and faith, you’ll all get where you want to be in life. cheers!

    Quote Of The Day

    “Be patient hold on tight strap into your seat belt and see what the future holds”

  • Introduction

    I’m Brian and this is my blog. Enjoy it