♄Brian ☾ Jamesøn♃

Giving Thanks

28 Nov 2014

Thanksgiving 2013 last year with Joey. ❤

So today was Thanksgiving..

Not only was it Thanksgiving but this was the Holiday Joey and I always spent together from the minute we met. I haven’t had a Thanksgiving with Family in such a long time because my mom always worked nights so she was almost never off for it so tonight was the first night in yearssss that I spent a Thanksgiving with her and it was really nice. My brother’s still really bent about our friend passing so he stayed home.

My mommy! SHE WASN’T READY!!!!! lol

Today didn’t feel as crazy as I thought it would. I think it’s because I was kind of late to the dinner and had to work until 8pm and didn’t get out until 8:20ish and the drive was another 20 minutes so I was rushing and didn’t really have time for my thoughts and emotions.

Today was actually a good day considering it was Joey and I’s holiday but I was definitely feeling nostalgic about him not being here. The only thing I could think about was how this day exactly last year we were at our friend George’s house and he had burnt the shit out of the Turkey so we ate mashed potatoes and stuffing. It was the funniest shit ever and I won’t forget that horrible smell that lingered when I first walked in lol.

I’m grateful for so much this year overall. There’s been allot of bullshit and allotttt of personal issues going on with me that I won’t and never will disclose but I cannot express how thankful I am to have the bestest of friends in my circle. I really am blessed and SO thankful for the people who have been there for me the past couple of weeks. Like I’ve said in the past; When Joey passed away I felt like that “friend” feeling went down the drain. I know I had great friends being supportive but since he was so close to me it felt like a partner passing away. It hurt, it still hurts I still miss him but I’ve verrrrry slowly put that away and have focused more on what’s going on with me. Life goes on and I’ll never forget him but I do have to continue to move forward..

I’m so thankful this year for all my friends. For anyone who has just reached out to me and said kind words. I’m thankful for my friends being supportive of me and for helping me and giving me the best advice a boy could ever ask for. If you ever wonder where I get my strength it’s through God and my friends. If it wasn’t for both I would be so lost in life. I’ve realized that the more I talk to my friends about everything that I don’t like to bring up I feel like I gain more strength and I’m able to gather enough fight in me to keep fighting. So this holiday is not going to be about me it’s going to be to all those people who have shared some personal stories with me for all those people who felt my loneliness and took me in their arms and helped me feel home. I’m thankful for those late nights talks with some of you because of the fact I was scared about everything going on with me or depressed about the people I’ve lost this year etc..

We might not talk every day, we might of only talked once, I might of stayed the night at your house, you might of gave me a big hug because I was upset, we were there for each other through tough times. You all know who you are and I’m thanking you from the bottom of my heart and I hope you can feel my love with all these words I’ve said. I love you guys ❤
Emotive and Cerebral Course

6 Aug 2014

Back to light hair

It’s 12am and I’m laying in bed thinking about anything and everything right now. It’s a cool night tonight, not hot what so ever, humid if anything.

I’ve felt extremely disconnected to everything lately. I haven’t really kept in touch with anyone. I’ve had allot on my mind from so much that has happened and keeps happening but hey that’s life. Nothing will ever just be at a stand still and the more I try to disconnect in order to avoid any unnecessary stress, the more everything comes flying like hail that grows bigger as it falls from the sky. It’s funny the things we do to avoid stress or problems lol. We all have a way of coping with things a certain way. Mine seems to be to shut down apparently.

I got sick once again, this time with bronchitis. It was so fucking difficult to get rid of it. I had to see 2 different doctors to see what was going on with me. I got it all taken care of after a month of being sick.

Now I’m seeing flashes in my eyes and had an eye doctor appointment today at 10:30am to see what could be wrong with my eyes. Found out I have a popped blood vessel in my eye (subconjunctival hemorrhage) from coughing so fucking hard when I was sick.

There’s so much I want to say that’s been going on with me but I just can’t. Briefly that’s what’s going on. I’ve been getting sick like an old fucking man. Makes me feel like I won’t live that long since my immune system seems to be weaker than I’d like to believe it is haha. For that reason I’ve started taking all sorts of different vitamins to keep it up.

I haven’t really been motivated to do much these past couple of weeks either. I’ve been stuck in a rut of boredom and trying to find new hobbies. I loved kick boxing for so long but I feel like I’ve ran my course with that. It’s very very therapeutic if you have as much anger as I do kept inside you need to release but after awhile it’s good to change it up and find other ways to cope with your sanity.

I’ve felt Joey really really close as of a couple days ago. I’ve had so many nights I go home crying, especially when I get drunk. It’s hard saying that because of how personal the situation is but I figure I’d share just so you can understand how I feel right now. I have episodes where I get really angry because I just wish I could hear his voice again counseling me and telling me what I need to hear to get past whatever I’m going through. I wish I could see him or just know he’s around somehow some way. It feels like he’s been gone for so long but its only been 4 months.

I got really drunk the other night and lets just say it was wild.

I remember laying in a dark room and could hear music playing very faintly in the room. It sounded like a radio station. Some songs came on by Lana that reminded me of him and then a song by Lorde came on that Joey used for the best friends video he made for us and I couldn’t help but feel sentimental in the room. I felt like he was there that night with me. I just felt his presence very close.

Last night I was at the store around midnight picking things up for the house since I’ve been cooking more since I’ve been sick and haven’t been able to go to eat out. Soon as I got to the store and started grabbing what I needed one of Joey’s sister’s (Tawnee) called me and it made me really happy because I remember when I used to make those midnight trips all the time I would ALWAYS call Joey because I hated doing grocery shopping with all the fucking weird ass people of Walmart. It made me feel like he was even closer.

Have you ever watched a scary movie like Halloween for instance where Michael Myers is far as hell when you see him and then out of nowhere he’s right behind you. That’s how I felt. Almost like all the crying and all the wishing I could see Joey again has kind of come together as a way of me not being able to see him but feel him and know he’s very close by. My energy isn’t as sensitive as when he first passed away since its been a couple months so nothing dramatic has happened lately like doors being opened or door handles being shaken with no one on the other side of the door. But things definitely keep happening to where I know for sure he’s around.

I’ve been attending church more often. Trying to go every Tuesday if I’m not too busy. Been trying to just pray for Joey and hope he’s ok…

Dante’s Inferno

I played this game called Dante’s Inferno and beat it already but man the games intense. I believe strongly in God and playing that video game really opened my eyes to some questions I’ve had. It’s funny the game did that because it’s just a video game but through out the game you have an angel guarding you and telling you why certain people are in hell and for what reason they’re in the circle that they’re in. It kind of freaked me out because it puts some stuff into perspective and it’s pretty dead on for a video game.

13 miles within 4 hours.

I’ve started marathon training for the Zion half this week! That’s some good news. This is probably going to be the toughest race I’ve done because for one it’s a competition. You have to be at mile 10 by 10:30am otherwise they take you to the finish line because they have to open the road by 10:30am. The last 3 miles are sidewalk so you can walk if you need to. This race is definitely going to be tough because it’s all uphill! Not to mention parking is going to be a pain in the ass and it starts at 7:30am regardless, no waves or any of that shit.

Just look at that elevation!

I’m super stoked but I have to really start running my ass off and trying to run at least 4-5 miles within an hour if I really want to push myself and hopefully make it to the awards ceremony by 9am. I’m just looking for people to do it with me because it would kind of suck to do it alone. It’s a super long fucking course. Tough Mudder was 10-12 miles and I did that but my knees started to give out after the first 7 miles since I forgot to stretch like a dumbass and it was cold that day and sprinkling! my poor knees were so done but I fucking finished and ran through those damn electric wires and had my beer at the end! I left right after though. I couldn’t stand how cold it was and it felt like I was getting hypothermia. It was my first half marathon (sorta since a half marathon is 13 miles) but I had a fucking blast doing it. It was more of an endurance test for me to see what I can handle. I can handle it. I can handle just about anything as long as I focus and train my mind to understand everything will be alright.

Almost did 4 miles within an hour. Could be better

I’m ready for the race I just hope I can get the days off because I’ll need Friday and Saturday off since Saturday morning is the race. Ticket prices are currently $80 and will go up in price after September 7th so I’ll have to see if I can get the days off for it.

March 14th 2015. So excited

But that kind of concludes what’s been going on lately. Nothing too extreme. Nothing but emotions and drama really but I’m always able to bounce back. I just have to get back outdoors and know everything is going to just be ok. Still trying to be strong and build my defense and it’s been working. Still thinking about what I want to go to school for as well so I’ve been going to the library almost every week checking books out on all sorts of things that interest me. Majority have been about human viruses and vitamins as well as screen writing. So we’ll see what captivates me enough to go back to school. I should really start soon though. Tired of not really doing shit with my LIFE just finding new hobbies lol.

I’m just a big work in progress and a never ending book. I change my mind often and change in many ways but try to change for the better and not bitter because I know how I can get. Overall though I still remain the same optimistic sweet Brian. Extremely loving and extremely loyal. Always looking to make the next person I meet happy or smile and feel special. Just trying to stay happy 🙂
Mental State Retreat

18 Jun 2014
Will Rogers State Beach

So I just got back home from California Thursday morning (6/11/14)

I must say this trip was definitely what I needed. I traveled alone this time since I just needed space. I saw friends and family, went to the beach, drank and took photos the entire time there and just forgot about all of my problems. It kind of surprised me when I came home how much I didn’t even think about my problems. Joey came to mind here and there but overall I was thinking more so about what I was going to do for the night because all I wanted to do was go out and see everyone and that is exactly what I did. I know that’s what Joey wanted as well because I have felt him lately and I’ll explain later on how I know he’s still around and watching over me.

Sunday (6/8/14) Pride parade.

Start of the parade

Porn star Trenton Ducati

The start

…..I have no idea. Looks cool though! Love the peacock feather lookin hats!

I arrived in California around 4am and had to get up by like 9:45am to get ready which was a pain in the fucking ass since I hate mornings… I totally pulled it off though. I met up with my good friend Dana who was staying in town at a hotel in Hollywood and headed over with he and his friends.

Dana and I at the walk. My forehead looks fucking huge!

There were so many people and the vibe and the people there was so different compared to Vegas pride. The location and the weather was just beautiful. LA is definitely different compared to Vegas and the people are much more different too.

Foam party bus

This was hilarious. Pooches in wagons.

Pony!!!!

Twa’s crowded

Stopping the haterz 😛

I noticed one very important thing that I’ve always wanted from Vegas; EVERYONE TALKS TO YOU! People are curious, people genuinely ask how your day is and have full on conversations with you which I completely loved. I love talking to strangers and getting to know just about anyone, it’s what makes me who I am and why I’m so cheerful all the time. I’m not afraid of meeting new people or nervous when speaking. People at the bars weren’t afraid to talk to you and I didn’t really run into many cunts at all. Everyone I met seemed to have a really good attitude and was having fun like everyone else. In Vegas you get everyone that’s grouped and that’s it. Not really much hope making friends unless it’s through mutual friends and the attitudes are through the roof. Big reason why I just tend to stay home.

My friend Raymond whom I haven’t seen since I was 18! I’m 23 now lol

I saw a ton of friends I hadn’t seen in so long so I’ve been so busy every time I’ve been in California. I’m always busy when I go out there. Either busy with work or having to go somewhere for a birthday or wedding or family get together and almost every time I don’t have my car but this time I made sure to take my car instead of fly, so I could cruise all over.

I have no idea who this dude is but I loved his shirt so I asked to take a photo with him. lol

@Pump- Lisa Vanderpumps’s restaurant.
This girl was beautiful

TMZ crew was there

The walk was a ton of fun overall but Dana and I weren’t there long. I REALLLLLYYY wanted to go to the beach. He and I were at the walk for maybe 2 hours and then went over to the Wil Rogers state beach where my face got fucking sun burnt! I had SO MUCH FUN THERE! But I seriously woke up the next day and was moving my forehead around and it felt tight. I haven’t had a sun burn since I was like 10 so I couldn’t figure out what was wrong until it got more and more red within 2 days. I totally forgot to put on sunscreen. But I’m fine now my face is back. 🙂

Hella catching sun

The beach was beautiful that day. I was pretty buzzed from having drinks at the parade so swimming was definitely interesting. I was just so happy to be back at the beach and away from Vegas away from drama away from my problems and just relaxing and getting sun. I hate tanning and don’t do day time but I truly just did not care this trip. I didn’t care if I got a sun burnt or if I acquired a tan because this trip was just no problems and no cares, just pleasure. I was in town for only 4 days but I made the best out of them and they inspired me to take a trip far far away. Somewhere I’ve never been.

I’m thinking that by the end of the year I’ll take a trip to Maui in Hawaii. I’ve always wanted to go because I hear it’s beautiful. I hear there isn’t much shopping or clubbing to do, it’s just a place where you can relax and that is all I want this year is to relax and forget my problems.

Monday 6/9/14

Dana had to drive back to Vegas early so I lingered around Hollywood and took pictures of things that I felt were beautiful, especially the houses! Every house I saw made me miss California more and more because the houses in California are just so old that it makes me feel nostalgic and wish I lived in California to live in these beautiful homes. 1 house in particular reallllly caught my eye.

This house is just stunning. Something you would think you’d see straight out of The Great Gatsby.

Loved this house

HELP FIND SHOO SHOO! Don’t know who’s cat it is but if you see it contact the owner! Although black cats are everywhere lol.

FUCKING FLY ASS LAMBO

Yet another gorgeous home. This one just looked so cozy..

Pretty tree I was passing by.

Couldn’t tell if this was a house or part of the film institute because the entrance said American film institute. Either way it was a beautiful porch!

A bee getting its honey fix

Creepy but cute chalk drawing.

As I waited for Matt to get off work so we could hang out I walked around Hollywood for a good 2 hours taking pictures of anything I felt was beautiful and I was surprised how many shots came out so good.

Taking a break under a tree. 🙂

I even managed to creep up to the film institute to take some photos of the campus and of the Warner Bros. building as well. I never realized how connected all these big business are.

Warner bros. building

American Film Institute

I hung out with my friend Matt who I have not seen in about 2 years. We strolled around West Hollywood and went bar hopping during the day which was so fucking weird to me because I don’t bar hope until about 9-10pm in Vegas IF I’m downtown. To be doing it during the day felt really strange since I don’t like day drinking. I visited a ton of places such as Saint Felix and The Hudson. I had never even been to even though I’ve been to West Hollywood before. Matt showed me a great time and made sure I enjoyed myself. I hung out with him most of the entire trip.

This squirrel was so fast and so cute.

@The Hudson

Matt’s a Capricorn as well so we totally understood each others humor which was so awesome because we were being so fucking obnoxious and vulgar and did not give a shit who noticed. The more attention the better.

@Saint Felix (bar hopping)

It was super cold though, I totally didn’t really pack that well for the weather because allot of my t-shirts were tanks since I thought it was going to be nice weather but man when that sun was starting to set it would get so fucking cold that you definitely wanted to have a jacket on you.

Tuesday 6/10/14

Matt and I went to the Will Rogers State beach.

Matt!

Matt brought bourbon and ginger-ale and mixed us drinks on the beach.

Bourbon and ginger-ale

It felt like sheer paradise. I can’t explain how great it feels to sit on the beach and just enjoy a drink and watch the waves. The weather was amazing and the water felt great. I remember laying back with my sunglasses on and just taking in my surroundings and how I felt at that moment. The ocean did something to me. I feel almost like it was taking me in and comforting me. It’s funny; I feel like states, cities, towns speak to you all in their own way. Being at the beach this time after losing Joey just made me feel like the ocean was in a way opening its arms to me. I kept asking Matt take pictures and videos of me for my film I’m putting together just to capture the moment I was in. He definitely nailed some good footage and shots.

Throwing shade at some bitches real quick before I get a buzz.

Ok I’m back… 😀

There was also these 2 ladies with their kids and their kids all had wet suits and boogie boards it was the cutest thing ever. I didn’t mean to be sneaky and photograph them without knowing but the moment was just perfect. The kids just looked so alive and you could tell the mothers are raising them right. They weren’t obnoxious or loud they were all enjoying themselves and just having fun. No screaming or any of that shit.

Mother’s and kids

After the beach we went to go eat at Bubba Gump and let me just say that their food is BOMB. The one in Vegas not so much but the one in Santa Monica, oh yes. We had these big ass drinks called coronaritas and a huge platter of shrimp, artichoke dip, hush puppies and I also ordered a burger with fries. I was stuffed like a fat fucking pig.

Artichoke dip, Hush Puppies, Shrimp, fries and Coronarita. Burger was on its way, this was only the beginning lol.

Afterwards I went home showered and headed back out around midnight with Matt and ran into a friend of mine, Josh, that I had never met but had kept in touch with here and there for like 6 years. I had spoke to him for the first time like 2 years before coming out because I wanted to finally hang out with him. It was so unexpected to see him out because I didn’t contact him when I came out since I totally forgot to. I forgot to contact a ton of people because I was so caught up in going out and didn’t want to contact anyone who would flake so I just stuck to the people I know I could see out. It was great to see him and finally meet Josh though after so many years.

Joshua

Wednesday 6/11/14

There’s never any cars around 2am so why not dance in the street. 😀

The sad day of leaving home came but I was kind of relieved to be heading back home because I really just wanted to unpack all my things and wash my clothes. I felt kind of dirty and just wanted my bed. I hung out with my cousin and aunt that day though since I had been going out so much and hadn’t seen them much although I was staying with them. We made dinner and talked until about 9pm about what has been going on in Vegas and I got to spend allot more time with my cousins daughter (2nd cousin) since I haven’t seen much of her since she was born.

Creative

The moon that night.

I headed out back to West Hollywood to meet Matt one more time around 10pm. Matt was working so when I showed up I hadn’t really contacted anyone but I wanted to be alone and take photos of what Hollywood looks like at night and it made me not want to leave.. California just does something to me. If I wasn’t so established in Vegas I would probably move.. But I don’t exactly think I could deal with the last call bullshit and shutting everything down by 2am. I mean I know there’s spots like 24 kitchen but that’s not enough for me haha. I like to be able to do my grocery shopping at midnight and making dinner by 1am.

There was a hooker that would literally dancing in the middle of the cross walks every time she had the right of way. Kinda made me sad to be honest..

Here she was having a chat. They didn’t pick her up though.

I met Matt at the restaurant he works at and we headed over to Micky’s where I ran into my friend Landon who comes to Vegas often.

Landon

We weren’t really there too long and I had to go home since it was already 1am. Matt and I ate at Kitchen 24 before I hit the road. I was so grateful he accompanied me most of the trip.

Overall I need to say that I truly needed this trip away from everyone and everything. I’ve never needed to get away so bad in my life as I needed to. I’ve been definitely trying to avoid depression and before I left to California I was still very tormented about Joey. I do fine for awhile until I start to crumble so that’s when I run.

I know that I need to be strong and that’s what I’m trying to do.

I know he’s watching over me because Saturday June 14th I was having a really really bad day. Ever since I got back from California people were just saying stupid shit and getting on my nerves and work was just being complete and total shit. So I went upstairs to Scarpetta on my break to talk to Kelly the GM and just get away from the store. Literally the minute I sat down this girl turned to me and started talking to me and telling me I was cute and where I was from and such. within 15 minutes I knew why she was there what she does and what part of town she lives on. She said she has an assistant by the name of Nick that works with her and helps her with everything. She put her number in my phone and I texted her a photo to her with my name so she could save me in her phone. She then replied saying “you knew Joey.” I told her yes that was my best friend. I then remember Nick because he and I and Joey all hung out once. It was just bizarre. Just another one of his friendly reminders that he’s around still. I miss him so much.

Earlier today Tuesday June 17th

Lana Del Rey- Ultraviolence (Release Date: June 17th 2014)

I went to purchase the new Lana album. Let me start by saying that it’s great but I prefer her original songs allot better honestly. I love the album but it’s definitely a bit different and some of the songs aren’t as catchy. Some songs to really consider and that I highly recommend you listen to if you bought the album or haven’t listened to it yet are.
- Brooklyn Baby
- Shades of Cool
- West Coast
- Pretty When You Cry
- The Other Woman
- Black Beauty-(if you bought the deluxe like I did)
I made sure to call Zia Records a day before and tell them to put a copy on hold for me.

I realize that the one true way I could really live with Joey in my heart forever is through Lana Del Rey. With every song I played and every lyric I heard Joey was all I saw and all I thought about. The memories of he and I would hit me and I had my moments here and there but over all I am beginning to learn that this is my way of coping with him gone. Every time I miss him I just put her on and remember the times we had together. When I need to stop or once I let my emotions flow I just shut the music off and go back to reality. It’s sad really the things you have to do to remember someone and be able to cope with loss. I continue to keep changing and seeing the world and people differently every day. I’ve lost allot of the urge to talk to many people for reasons I’ve already stated before.

I’m trying to not repeat any habits or anything I’ve been doing since Joey has been gone and just trying to stay sane and to continue to move forward. It’s not easy but I’m doing it.

“They say I’m too young to love you
They say I’m too dumb to see
They judge me like a picture book
By the colors like they forgot to read
I think we’re like fire and water
I think we’re like the wind and sea
You’re burning up, I’m cooling down
You’re up, I’m down
You’re blind, I see
But I’m free
I’m free”

“Don’t say you need me when
You’re leaving, you leave again
I’m stronger than all my men
Except for you
Don’t say you need me then
You realize you’ll leave me
I can’t do it, I can’t do it
But you do it best

I’m pretty when I cry”
Shadows

4 Jun 2014

So yesterday (technically 2 days ago) marked 2 months since my best friend passed away.. I didn’t realize until that night that it was 2 months since he’s been gone.. All day that day I felt an overwhelming sadness. The night before I had been upset still about him being gone but that day was just it for me.

Facebook can now track where you go and how many times you visit it and such so as advertisement when you log in it shows an automatic message with you and someone else. So what I’m assuming they did was match me with someone who is constantly being tagged with me, the most frequent person in my news feed. So they grabbed Joey and showed me this.

I didn’t think much of it but when I posted it the messages everyone were sending kind of made me think. Something little like this makes me feel like he’s still around..

So yesterday I woke up and went to the library and checked out some books on things I’ve been looking up such as online marketing and photoshop. I went to my kick boxing class I haven’t been to in like a month and then I went to starbucks and grabbed a coffee and went to the park around 9pm..

I felt sorry for myself for being so sad.. I hate being a downer I really do because I’m always cheerful and love making people smile but I really can’t help how sad I’ve been still. I know this isn’t going to be easy getting past but the situation haunts me everyday..

I remember sitting at the park and just wishing he was there sitting with me. I was talking to myself like a crazy person as if he was there with me, in hopes he could hear me.. It was dark and the only thing I could see were the lights on from the playground. I sat there and stared into the dark and let my mind just flash with memories I’ve been suppressing to avoid crying. I obviously couldn’t help but to cry and hurt when I let that loneliness creep in to remind me what it feels like. I didn’t mind it though. I need it to hurt me enough to be able to rebuild. It’s just hard to know when it’ll ease up on me. I know everything is still recent but I’m still hurting.. I’m hurting some people around me still and I’m distancing myself from allot of people including my family yet I whine about feeling alone. It’s just something I can’t help.

NCOD 2012

I feel like I need to help myself and not let people see that I’m hurt so I try to deal with problems on my own because everyone has their own problems to worry about and don’t need me down pouring my sorrow on them. The friends that have been there for me when I’ve needed them I continue to hold close to me. I just tend to push people away when I get upset because I get angry naturally and want to deal with everything alone.

But anyways.

I finished my coffee at the park and walked over towards the playground. The park is big so I walked around for awhile and as I walked I noticed I had 2 shadows. The lighting from the lights were hitting me in a way where my darker shadow was right next to me and my lighter shadow was a couple feet behind. I took it as a sign that no matter where I go Joey will always be there as my shadow close behind.. I know it might sound silly but it’s helping me cope.. I listened to my music and just walked around in silence. It felt peaceful.

Moth I found outside on the ground

I got home and wanted to just talk to my mom since I felt so alone. I hate telling her anything about the situation because I know she’s always stressed but she knew something was wrong when I went into her room to say goodnight so I opened up..

There really wasn’t anything I could really say other then the fact I felt more alone then ever. Even though I have great friends and have had so many people be there for me lately I just feel such a distance from everyone.. I don’t want to replace Joey and I never will. I never really allow myself to cry in front of people or ever so when I do cry my mom knows it’s because I truly am in pain and it kills her to see that because she knows I’ve always been the stronger one growing up and she has always relied on me to be the man of the house and such.

Either way I’m still weak. It amazes me too how inconsiderate people are. Death really has a way of opening up the curtain of truth to you and showing you who actually gives a shit and who just really could care less..

On top of everything I at least have had meow meow keeping me company every night I’ve been home on the computer or reading.

Baby daughter!

I really couldn’t imagine life without meow meow right now. She’s been such an extremely loyal cat. I can take her outside and she’s like a dog. She won’t go anywhere she’ll just hang out and come in when she’s ready. Every other cat we’ve ever had either becomes an outside cat or runs away. I love her.

Today I’ve felt a little better glady. Saw a good friend of mine and went to the gym.

The film I’m putting together is still coming along and going well. It’s just extremely difficult writing a narration compared to a blog. As I write I allow my creativtity to flow to see what I can think of to put in the video but it’s coming along! It should be done by winter hopefully. Stay tuned ❤

PS: MALEFICENT was amazing!
Last Goodbye+Happy Birthday

3 May 2014

Happy birthday Joey ❤

Well, it’s officially been a month since you’ve been gone..

Saying goodbye one last time wasn’t easy but I know that after this, this is it. Reality has to calm down a little.. At least I hope it does.. I felt a little more at ease knowing that your sisters and everyone around have come to terms that you’re gone and are doing everything they can to hold up.. Your sisters did such an amazing job speaking for you. I know the moment the lights flickered in the room and the speakers buzzed, it was you. I’m not sure if anyone else caught onto that but I know it was you..

Tawnee

A ton of friends and your sisters all got together today and had lunch at tios tacos where everything was made out of trash. Ashley was explaining what it was at church and I couldn’t help but laugh at her and think she was going crazy but she was definitely right! It was like an amusement park of trash made into things. Clever place.

Tio’s Tacos

I miss you every day and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about you Joey.. It’s obvious that I’m not ok and I keep talking about it to people and posting about you in hopes that I’ll dig deep when speaking and just bring out how I really feel and see if there’s anything I’m hiding.. But everything I’ve been saying truly is how I feel.. So the more I dig the more I feel like I’m digging an endless hole with nothing to find at the bottom..

Reality feels like a video game because I’m trying to beat my feelings and get past these levels of uncertainty but the more I try and fail the angrier I get.. I’ve been having to wear the fakest mask just to get by every day. I’ve been lashing out at people and clinging to others as it leaves me feeling stupid because that isn’t me whatsoever.. Roaming from home to home in hopes that I’ll find the love and care you provided but I don’t see that happening for awhile..

Jay (Popeye) and I (Olive oyl!)

I’m home now from California and since it was your birthday today I want you to know that my gift to you is to put together a short film and include you in the majority of it. I’ll make sure everyone in the world knows how much I love you and what great friends we were together. I’m going to apply all of my force to make this video huge and make you proud. I remember us talking about it on and off for 2 years and I’ve finally striked up the courage to do it and put a ton of my ideas into it along with some of the quotes I’ve written.

I won’t say goodbye again on here but know that I just went to Cali for you for the day and to be there for your sisters more than anything.

I wish I could of had a drink for you today but I was busy working and filming to put this all together for us. You have my loyalty and I’m pushing. I’m getting my life on track this year and striving to be someone. I’ll do it all with you and God in my heart knowing that he is permitting you to be there for me when I need you. I know you feel bad sometimes when I cry for you because I can feel your silent sadness come over me but I do it all because I miss you so don’t feel bad.

John 14:1-4 “Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. And you know the way to where I am going.”

I won’t say goodbye again on here because today was YOUR day and I’ve already said goodbye. What I will say is happy birthday! You’re 22 in paradise. Know that I just went to Cali for you for the day and to be there for your sisters more then anything.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOEY.

Bonnie and Clyde you and I.

I love you

-Brian
Royal Blue

19 Apr 2014

Onyx Theater

To start everything off I’d just like to say thank you to everyone who came to Joey’s memorial. The memorial went well. I’m just shocked how many people claimed to have cared about him and didn’t show up. So, I’ve taken it upon myself to delete these people out of my life. It’s incredible how fake more than most people are and how careless and selfish they can prove to be. Death truly puts so much into perspective and you truly see people for the bullshiters that they really are, like wow.

Long time friend Gavin ❤

Either way, I did MY part as a friend and arranged everything and put together my long ass speech that I know Joey would be proud of.. I’m so beyond thankful for the people who showed up because some people didn’t even know him and still came to show support and that was probably the most touching thing to me.. I know I did my part as a friend and that’s what matters most to ME.

Dana

After all of this I’m going to be making big decisions and really changing my life around and going to just live for myself and for my friend. I mean it when I say I lost my other half. After the memorial I feel more closure and know that it’s all over but it’s still hard coping with his loss.. I know it’s going to continue to be like this too because Joey and I weren’t exactly on regular speaking terms like we normally were since we had a little fall out back in February but we made mends and moved past it. I just wanted him to see the way he was acting and change it… I knew that if I set sail and went too far I’d always go back to him and if he set sail too far he would come back to me but this time he didn’t come back and it’s eating at me. I feel like I’m alone on a harbor waiting for him to return..

Jarrod

I know in about a month or so when I begin to feel lonely and misunderstood I’m going to miss him more and more because I’m going to feel out of place and have very few people that understand where I’m coming from.. He was able to disengage my mind and help sort it.. When he was alive even if I felt out of place with everyone and didn’t belong to any group of friends, I knew that I had someone already that understood me and that was him. I don’t like thinking like this but honestly it’s reality.. This sadness is going to continue to follow me for awhile.. Everything just happened so I’m still trying to cope with his loss..

I was doing ok the past 2 days just trying to get through everything but yesterday everything seemed to have just taken another hit at me.. I’m noticing that I’m trying to build my defense and walls up again by being able to do the things Joey and I used to do but without me having to feel depressed because of the fact he’s gone but that isn’t working to well.. I’ll feel my barrier building and then feel one great big punch just smash everything down again and I’m really not used to feeling that.. I begin to remember happy moments and think of who I was with during those happy times and almost all of them are with Joey.. I’ve never been so sad and confused in my whole life. If I’m not taking pain killers; I’m drinking.. I’m not trying to get attention by saying or doing that but I’m just going to be honest, this is way too hard on me and being sober just makes me think more then I would like to. I’m not exactly trying to drown my feelings down or make myself feel worse but I don’t need my mind overthinking.. I’m not sure exactly how to cope with my feelings at the moment but all I can do is talk about them and hope that it helps me realize more so I can move on..

I’ve always kept my feelings under control and so many events are coming up this year that are making them spiral out of control. Just when I think I’m getting a grip of them something happens and they scatter again.. I’m someone who truly has way too much on their mind. I’m a very deep thinker and a simple phrase or doing will make my mind plunge into depth and find meaning to add to my list of life lessons. The only bad thing about that right now is my mind is taking a turn for negative because of how sad I am.. I can hide it so well around people because I’m naturally a happy person and very optimistic but I fall apart when I’m alone and can’t seem to contain myself..

I miss Joey so much and the fact we weren’t exactly talking the past 2 months as much as we normally did hurts like hell because I forever will have to remember him that way.. I wrote my speech about him because I wanted everyone to understand who he was and know about the things we did together.. At the same time I needed to truly dig deep within my heart to find the right words to say about him and I needed the speech to completely hurt me in order for me to rebuild from the very bottom; I needed to feel ground.. If the speech I wrote didn’t hurt me just enough I know that I wouldn’t feel ok and I wouldn’t move on from this peacefully and I wouldn’t get the proper closure. The memorial helped but my defense is still so low and I feel so vulnerable..

Joey reminded me of my middle school/high school best friend Yvonne. She and I connected on a spiritual level and had EVERYTHING in common. I still talk to her but we’re not as close as the school days. Still love her to death though. Joey and I connected on a more every day living level and some spiritual level. He was my other half.

I remember I would always explain to him energy and how it worked in crowds of people or when you’re just talking to one person. It used to fascinate him so much because I would explain to him energy exchange and how to feel someones energy out. He would tell me how he would talk to his friends about it and give them the run down from what I said. I used to read books on energy in high school so when I meet people now I can automatically tell you who I won’t like and who I will like within the first 10 minutes of talking and feeling them out. I’m able to see behind barriers it’s just a matter of who I’m willing to be patient with and who I’m not and let me just say almost every time I just don’t even bother to further anything with most. Makes me feel out of place because most people I run across are focused on money, material and themselves and it’s just disgusting.. They’re just a surface with no depth. I need people in my life that are spiritual AND driven in order for me to really enjoy them.

There’s going to be tons of situations that remind me of him constantly and loneliness comes in waves but sometimes it likes to sneak in and dwell within. I’ll have to learn to do and find things to keep me occupied and grow to be more of my own best friend when I feel misunderstood like I grew up doing. I’ll keep all my good friends close though. I’m extremely thankful for everyone who has taken the time to visit me through all of this and be there for me.. It’s more then I could ever ask for because I just need friends around right now. I’m not exactly liking being home but I need to be home in order to jot down every thought I’m having and let my feelings flow. I have to embrace that lonely feeling and try to combat it somehow. I don’t have anywhere I can bury myself anymore so I’m surfacing and the more my feelings continue to rise the more I begin to see everything I had buried within Joey.. I’m very very confident but I still feel this boy within me that’s scared and that’s why I mention constantly how I buried myself in him.. I buried any fear in him and he took care of it..

Cory

Moving on…

Aspen, Sarina and Cara

After the memorial a group of us went to the stratosphere to eat chicken wings and sliders. Joey always talked about this bar at the stratosphere that had amazing chicken wings and he wasn’t lying. The wings were pretty good, just spicy.. He knows I never liked spicy food; fills me up too quick. I like to eat my food without worrying about my mouth burning. You have to take an elevator up to the top of the stratosphere; the bar is upstairs called 107. It’s actually a restaurant as well. The restaurant area rotates so you’re able to see everyone dining as they rotate around. Just like Top of Vancouver the restaurant that rotates in Vancouver Canada.

The night was good and I’m happy so many close friends were able to make it. I knew it wasn’t a time to really be laughing and such but I was just so happy to see everyone I haven’t seen in so so long.

Jayme and Paige

With everything that has happened these past 2 weeks I have honestly just needed to get away..

Overhead stream

So Tuesday I went to Zion with a friend. I haven’t been to Zion since I was about 8 and it was just completely beautiful.. The view there is something straight out of a movie. The drive was very beautiful but also very terrible! The roads were slanted and felt like I was on a fucking roller coaster. It made me so nervous because I kept wanting to look at everything but I kept swerving! Tons of people were getting pulled over for speeding and it was making me nervous so I was just trying to drive speed limit the entire way there. There were so many farms and so many animals that it looked like you were driving past a zoo. The houses looked like doll houses and the towns were creepily beautiful. You could tell at night it’s scary because some towns didn’t have light posts just these doll like looking houses. None the less it was all things I have never seen in person just always something I saw in movies.

This reminded me of the movie holes for some reason.

We arrived at Zion around noon and started hiking at 1pm because having to find parking was a pain in the ass. If you do go up there make sure you leave really really early so that you can find parking and don’t have to deal with traffic and construction.

Emerald pools trail

Angels Landing

At the top of Angels Landing. Our success and tired faces.

It was beyond peaceful to be outdoors and just be in silence. Everyone was so nice and if they overheard your conversation they’d chime in and say something and it wasn’t in a bad way or anything just a great way to start conversation and bounce back ideas and experiences which was really different. I’m not sure if it’s because most of em were mormon or just really nice. I don’t believe in strangers I like talking to just about anyone who’s friendly.

Prairie Dog

Being up as high as we went and seeing all the different views of the mountain was just breath taking. It’s something that you definitely have to experience to understand. The pictures are beautiful but being there in person surrounded by nature and its entireness just does something. I felt very grounded and in tune with everything around me. I felt as if I should be thanking something or someone; nature or God just for the experience and for allowing me to see what all is out there in the world.

Angels Landing

I want to definitely keep going back until I have visited every part of Zion so I might make it a point this year to do just that. Zion is rated one of the top best national parks you could visit in the US so I want to see what all it has to offer.

Chipmunks were all over the place. Sooooo cute

My friend and I were there until about 4:30-5 and then we headed home. The drive back seemed a hell of allot more shorter than the drive there.. Odd

I’m glad I was able to go and see the park again since I haven’t been in years. It was a great get away after everything that has happened. Death has a way of making you appreciate what you do have right now. The experiences you get to go through, the people you meet and get to see, the views this world has to offer. It makes you feel privilged since the dead can’t touch any of it. I understand now why people say make the most out of life and don’t take anything for granted. All of these sayings that people have once said to me are now finally making sense and I’m understanding it all.

You can tell someone something and explain to them from start to finish what it means and why it might mean what it does but you have to overall experience and go through something in order to make your own judgement or to fully understand what some sayings might mean. My mind is powering through all of these sayings and meanings I’ve once heard and seeing so many visions. Everything keeps coming in fragments and weighing in on my mind. I don’t mind it but this is what I mean by this situation being heavy on me. I can handle allot, more than allot but right now I’m feeling a ton of pressure and just trying to not break… I’ll be ok eventually though.. I can endure.. I just hope this doesn’t do any serious damage to my mind..

Quote of the Day

“Severely distressing events can cause psychological trauma. This can put someone in a state of confusion and insecurity depending on the damage done to ones mind. Not all traumatic events will affect someones mind for long or at all but if it does it can take years to get past.. Trauma can cause an individual to avoid certain things, feelings, reminders of what damaged that person and change them making them grow into a different person having some negative aspects.. Your mind is a war zone that’s why it’s good to be completely aware of what’s going on and how everything is taking place in it because you really just don’t know if your mind has been dented until it’s too late.. You are responsible for yourself and have to take care of yourself and make sure you are fine but emotional support from others can help you overcome certain traumas so don’t be afraid to ask for help..”
Eternal Love

15 Apr 2014

What I’m about to tell you is a story, a story of my journey with Joey.

I met Joey 3 years ago right when he moved to Vegas.. This November would of been 4 years of solid friendship.. When we met we instantly clicked. We bonded so quickly that it was weird for both of us since we were both the same person with the same background and the same feelings about meeting people. For some reason we just knew by instinct that we were both good for each other and could be great friends, and that is exactly what happened.. Joey reminded me of exactly who I was growing up. The way he acted the way he talked the things he did. There were very few things I didn’t agree with that he did.

When I first met Joey I was going through a very tough time with family and relationships and had just moved back to Vegas. He provided an escape from reality for me. He knew I was always working and never gave myself a break and he was the only one I really let get me out. My thank you in return for that was making sure he had someone to talk to and someone he could trust and rely on. He had major trust issues..

Without saying too much, Joey and I were both abused growing up and it affected us both in different ways but I managed to leave my past behind and grow from it, that’s where Joey struggled. He wasn’t allowing growth because of his pain and that’s something I understood completely.. Joey had difficulties doing that and almost always resorted to anger to feel better.. Because of that, I want to apologize to anyone he ever hurt or caused any pain to because it wasn’t intentional it was just his defense.. He felt it was easier to hurt someone else that he felt could care less about him before they had the opportunity to hurt him. He felt disposable by people so it was always easier to lash out instead of take anything further with random people he came across…

We invested our hearts in one another and a love grew so strong that not one person came close to that it. He had a clear shot to my heart and he took it. He had my heart anchored to him and I refused to ever retreat it from him because I knew that he was one I could truly trust with it so I gave it to him to keep.. This is all how the bond formed.

Joey never had parents to talk to and that’s something he always longed for. So I introduced him to my mom and brother so he could feel a little more loved, I know he needed that.. He was searching for love in all the wrong places and doing things to try and bury that feeling but the more he buried it the more it would surface and become more apparent what it was he truly wanted which was to be taken care of and be loved, just like any child would want.. Often times he would get close to people and really push them away. There were very very few people he didn’t push away. He was just scared, brave but scared at the same time.

Joey was extremely loyal to his loved ones. He would take the shirt off his back to make sure you were warm, he would always make sure to be with you if you were going through a tough time and if it was winter time and he needed a cigarette and wanted you to go outside with him he would make sure to get a blanket so you weren’t cold. We would cuddle in the cold outside under a blanket laughing about stupid things. He was one of the few to truly know how to make me laugh at just about anything he said.. He had a way with words.

His façade was so on point that you would never really think he had any issues. But behind it was a boy trying to grow and find meaning to his life and where he was going.. Often times it felt like parenting a child. Joey followed some of the things I would do and the steps I took and I think it’s because I always explained to him everything and why I was doing what I was doing, what would get you ahead in life and what wouldn’t, who cares about you and who doesn’t. I’d counsel him constantly and try to figure out where his head was with all his problems, that was my biggest concern. It was always an ongoing battle but I was always so patient with him, the patience I provided with him was endless just to make sure he was ok.. He needed guidance and there was no way in hell you could ever tell him to do something. You needed to lead him, not tell him what to do, so that’s the approach I took with him and how I was able to get through to him most times.

He was beyond talented with so much personality and the essence of his charisma was one I’ve never seen anyone top. There were plenty of the same people following trends and trying to be something they’re not but there was only one Joey in this world.. He was extremely quick with words and the first to catch you in any lie and lay into you. He didn’t put up with ANY shit.

He was very very tough and if he loved you, you could definitely feel it. He was happy if you were happy and if you were sad he would do something to make you happy. If someone was giving you a hard time he would get messy and make himself look like a fool before he let you get in a fight with someone. This is where rumors were spread about him being a mess because he stood up for so many people. He also defended himself constantly. Tons of people will talk and say they’ll do something but he was one to get things done if they were to be started and I wasn’t one to let him deal with all of it alone. I always stood up for him and got into many arguments with people who wanted to speak out against him when they didn’t know him.

I remember one night, we went to the Artisan and made friends with a group of straight people. We joined their table and the people who were at the club running their mouth about us being gay we had these straight dudes deal with. We managed to get them to bitch at everyone talking shit about us and just sat back laughing about it and meeting their friends. We rose hell, starting fires everywhere we went for the fun of it. We were thrill seekers, looking for the next adventure and only those who could hang could really handle us. I remember always telling him that he and I were like Bonnie and Clyde, our each others ride or die. It was always one of my favorite movies and it reminded me of how crazy as hell we were together.

And if you’re wondering where the wild obsession with Lana came from I’ll tell you about that too.

I picked Joey up from the Hilton one night when he was visiting because he had moved back to California at the time and came out to visit. I told him he should just come stay with me because I didn’t feel comfortable where he was sleeping that night. On the way to my house I asked him if he had ever heard of an artist named Lana Del Rey because at the time I was obsessed with Lana. He said he had heard of her but didn’t really want to listen to her because he knew everyone was going crazy about liking her and he didn’t want to follow what everyone was doing. At the time he was going through some relationship troubles so I told him “well I was listening to this song and I feel like you could relate to it right now” so I put on million dollar man for him and he instantly fell in love. That night we stopped by the store and picked up cookies and milk and watched the girl with the dragon tattoo at my place. We ate so many cookies he said he was cookied out and wasn’t eating cookies for a month. He really did eat almost all the cookies that night. Before bed he was looking up Lana songs for us to listen to and that’s when I knew he was hooked for sure. From that moment forward he spoke more about Lana then I ever did and made sure we would always be listening to her wherever we went.

Loneliness was non-existent when we would ride together, listening to the radio or playing video games, knowing one day we would be the lucky ones living in bel air. I understand we were all born to die but he was my million dollar man I couldn’t imagine living without. He was gentle and starry eyed, living in a dark paradise so dark he turned it into a black beauty. He didn’t want to wait any longer so he took off to the races in the land of gods and monsters where he would be with angels forever. He was vain and confident so he made sure to leave this world young and beautiful draped in blue velvet leaving his loved ones behind approaching a summertime sadness without him. We were two kids just trying to get out livin’ on the dark side of the American dream. We would dance all night, play our music loud. When we grew up, nothing was what it seemed.

We were very spontaneous and wherever we went we always put on a show, we were like each others co-stars. He was the Taurus to my Capricorn and the Venus to my Saturn, the world was our playground and the stars were our audience.. Not many people understood why we did the things we did but we didn’t give a shit if they understood, we didn’t care we just had fun. We were a force that couldn’t be stopped once we came in sync together.

I’ve never loved someone the way I loved him. It wasn’t physical what so ever it was pure heart and emotion.. It was a love I had never experienced, not even in a relationship. I never realized the true love I had for him until I started to write about it and really dig deep within myself. Joey was the first to ever truly see me for who I was entirely and be proud of me and what I was doing. I considered him home, I buried myself in him because of the fact I felt lonely and couldn’t get close to people without the fear of getting hurt again… An aching heart is never healthy and when you give your heart out, you are giving someone a piece of you and only the right people will truly hold that piece and handle it with care and love and help your heart grow. Others will take advantage and abuse it for selfish purposes. Joey set my heart on fire and got rid of any uncertain feelings I had..

We had the same way of loving and caring.. We have the heart and pride of a lion. We take care of our own and love unconditionally but more importantly, we loved and cared for each other.. If he was ever in any trouble I tried to always be there to take him home and to help calm him.. We were one person, just 2 bodies. There was absolutely no one that could relate to me and understand my head the way he did. He knew my insecurities and fears without me even saying anything. I helped stabilize his emotions and he helped un-numb and sort mine and we both had our own ways on doing it.. That’s how love should be, helping one another find balance.

Here was someone I had always dreamt of meeting, someone who loved me and cared for me and someone I literally did everything with. We were completely aware that we were both lonely but we knew as long as we had each other we would be fine and we always made that clear when we talked about it. We only had 2 fall outs and they never lasted long at all.. Other than that we never ever argued and rarely disagreed on things. We always met eye to eye on situations. If for any reason there was something we didn’t agree on that didn’t mean much we would quickly move on from it. Everything was mutual.

I never thought about what I was doing for certain holidays because I knew I was spending it with Joey. Our main holiday spent together was Thanksgiving. This past Thanksgiving was interesting because a friend of ours charred the turkey to hell so we ate stuffing and mashed potatoes. It was hilarious and we didn’t care, we were drinking that night anyways. He made sure to capture every important moment that meant something to me. He knew what certain things meant to me and made sure to capture everything just to show me he cared and loved me too..

We both were scared of being hurt but brave and sincere enough to love and we always did what we could to show someone we loved them but always ended up hurt because we never hurt the things we loved and protected.

I like to think of love as a rose

It’s an emotional and mental ride so whatever messes up in that relationship that’s critical it’s going to kill the rose by just that much. Either new petals grow with time or with time if nothing is accomplished or working out that rose dies. Once it’s dead you can’t bring it back. There might be hope to plant a new seed but don’t expect the same beautiful flower you once got because you won’t get the same one. Depending on how you water it and grow it will depend on how well its life span is but handle it with care and caution because otherwise you might grow a weed instead and not realize it..

After loving Joey like this and opening that door, I know now that being in love is the most beautiful thing anyone could experience with the right person. I was crazy about him in a best best friend way. He made me feel comfortable and secure. Something that was hard for me to find. I know he knew this and that’s why I made him my everything.

So now, to end this letter I just want to say that I forgive you Joey for the way you ended everything because I know you were in allot of pain and still felt lonely.. But I’m mad at you for leaving me.. Because I needed you. I needed you more then anything and losing you has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with… You were my world and now I literally feel like a lost dog with no home in this world. I don’t wanna be home because my home was you.. I went to you when I needed comfort and love of any kind.. I have amazing friends but you were the closest thing I ever had, you were my Clyde…

I walk out to the living room and hope to see the sliding door mysteriously open again.. When I drive I look in my rearview mirror in hopes to see your silhouette in my back seat.. Whenever I go out I hope to see just a glimpse of you so I can smile. When I open my closet door to find what I’m going to wear for the day I gaze into the living room from my room in hopes that you’ll run by.. And that’s when it all hits me that I won’t be seeing you again.. At least not now..

You made me feel like someone and made me feel special and spoke so greatly about me. Something I always wanted was to feel appreciated and feel like I was someone and you made that happen for me even at times where I wasn’t shit… More then anything you made me so happy..

And now I stand here in front of all these people, some I know and some I don’t know exposing and pouring my heart out all in hopes that you can hear me and to show you how brave I am to completely let my defense down just once just to show you respect and to tell you how much I love you and how much you meant to me. I know I can’t bring you back but I hope that wherever you are you can hear me.. I hope that God has mercy on you and helps guide you where you need to go. I’ll be praying for you as much as I can.

I promise that the next time I give a big piece of my heart out to someone they will be someone that I know you would approve of since you knew my heart and knew who was best for me and who wasn’t.. If I never get married in the future I know I’ll be completely fine because I knew what it was like to love someone so dearly and lose them.. You provided me more then enough love and that’s what I always wanted.

As the curtains close on our show my promise to you is to continue to love you and carry your flame in my heart forever and to carry both of our torches to MY grave… I will keep my loyalty to you as a friend and I will make sure your family gets taken care of with you gone. I feel like you might be stuck in between worlds and because of that I will put my knowledge and understanding of the other side to good use and try to help you cross over.. Nothing is impossible to me so like a crucifix, I will hold the weight of both worlds and try my best to get you home to that happy place where you belong. I won’t try but I WILL help pave the way for you whichever way I can while alive and try to create some sort of home in the after life through thought and prayer and that is where I’ll meet you…

I can’t take away your pain anymore but I’ll continue to take bullets for you if anyone decides to shoot..

I love you Joey and I’m so sorry but after today I have to let you go for now… I’ll never stop missing and loving you, I’ll continue to try for you but I have to let go of what was once physical and come to terms that you’re not here anymore.. I need to let go of this overwhelming sadness I’ve never felt and come to terms that you’re gone.. I need to move on and continue to live for the both of us and I want you to find peace and happiness on your own while me here.. I’ll hold onto everything I felt while with you and cherish every single one of those feelings… I never got the chance to say this, but thank you. Thank you for helping me rebuild myself and helping me feel again… Thank you for showing me some of the best times a friend could ever ask for and for helping me actually live. May you rest in peace Joey and know that you forever will have the biggest piece of my heart.. I love you, goodbye for now friend..
Solitary Emotional State

9 Apr 2014

It’s been a week my best friend died and I’m still in shock about it all.. I’ve cried every day and drank every day. I’ve been drinking responsibly and using it to just let my emotions out because for once I don’t want to be strong. When I’m sober I’m strong and focus well but when I’m having a hard time expressing the way I feel I resort to alcohol just to help the emotions flow a little better. I don’t like to rely on any substances because I like to be healthy for the most part but this is the one moment in my life that I’m going to choose to use alcohol as a way to help my emotions out here.. I’m trying to mourn and deal with this but I’m also having to deal with so many people saying terrible and vile things.. So I’m having to fight and cry and just feel so tormented..

I’ve always believed that when you die you leave this world and that’s it, you’re taken where you need to go… But, I woke up Saturday morning and called one of the guys that is helping put together the memorial and as I was on the phone with him I walked out to the living room to find the back sliding door open. At first I thought my brother had gone outside and let Meow Meow out because normally when the back sliding door is open its because she’s outside. I closed the door and finished up my conversation with him and then went to my brothers room and asked him why he left the back door open, he said he didn’t leave it open.. He said he had only been in the kitchen once and didn’t go back other than that. I called my mom and left her a voicemail telling her to call me so she called me back 25 min later and I asked her why she left the back sliding door open and she said she didn’t she said she opened the curtain but not the door… I then realized that it was Joey who came to visit and let me know he’s still around..

And then I remember all the stories my mom would tell me about when her friends would pass how they would do something to show her they’re around.

Growing up we had a neighbor who’s name was Sarah. She knew my step dad was abusive and rude so she would always bring my sister and I snacks if she saw us outside or she would invite us over. She was very sweet. She was old and she ended up dying and a couple of days later my mom told me she woke up in the middle of the night to the front door being open. She said she knew it was Sarah visiting. When she told me this story as I got older I didn’t really believe her. I’m a strong believer in christ and the paranormal but I just thought it could of been multiple things like the wind. But now that I’ve actually witnessed it, it has definitely sparked my curiosity as to why the spirits of people might do that and if the other side allows them to do that as a way to say they’re around or as a way of saying goodbye or something. The spirit world has rules just like earth does.

I think maybe Joey knows that I’m really sad and came to remind me he’s around?

I’ve felt so alone ever since he died.. Beyond lonely.. I wake up and open my blinds and just stare outside on the edge of my bed not sure exactly what I’m waiting to see and just wondering what’s going on. I walk out to the living room and hope to see the sliding door open again.. When I drive I look in my rearview mirror in hopes to see his silhouette in my back seat.. When I walk and stare into a far distance, I hope to see just a glimpse of him. When I open my closet door I stare into the living room from my room in hopes that he’ll run by or surprise me.. And that’s when it all hits me that I won’t be seeing him again..

I’ve barely been sleeping and have barely been home. I’ve never dealt with such a heartbreaking depression in my whole life, not even from the relationships I’ve been in. I’ve always been really tough, the strong one and have always kept my head above water but this is something I have never had happen to me.. It’s a pain that just keeps twisting and at any given moment I start crying.. It’s awful.. I’m always so happy and cheerful and trying to inspire happiness in everyone around me.. I’m having difficulties wondering when I’ll learn to cope with his loss.. I’ve got an idea on how to start to slowly help myself but it’s going to take some time.. Allot of time.. I just think this is my break to just let everything I feel hit me and let my emotions flow freely..

I just want to thank everyone who has been so supportive and has reached out to me to see how I’m doing with everything.. I apologize for not responding to everyone but I read everything and greatly appreciate all of the love and support.. This is all just so new to me and it’s really rocking me so I’m trying to just hold it together and take it all in doses..

I’ll be posting more later on once I piece everything together more..

I love you all, thank you..
Farewell letter

5 Mar 2014

I’m so emotionally and physically exhausted..

March 3rd was Laurie’s awakening and Today March 4th was her burial.. All I have to say is that I’m so proud of my friend Matty for putting everything together the way he did.. He did an amazing job working on everything. I feel honored to have known his amazing mother who homed so many lost souls such as myself.

The day of her wake I forgot the speech I had written up for her but luckily I remembered allot of it and managed to compose all of my words together the best I could when I gave my speech. Everyone was very shaken by everything but I really wanted everyone to talk and recall memories they had of her.. So I grabbed the lady that worked at the mortuary and asked her if we could turn down the music so we could say our goodbyes.. I took initiative and took the floor first so everyone could get their words together and so everyone could understand what she meant to me. Here is what I originally wrote up for her.

Laurie,

Laurie, was not just a mother she was a best friend to almost everyone she came into contact with. Anyone who came over to the house met her and she became the good friend to everyone. I was over almost every single weekend and sometimes through out the week. This family became mine. Mom, Matty, Tina, Catlin, and even the cats. I surrounded myself around these people who were so accepting and so loving towards me. In their eyes I’m sure they saw it as me coming over to hang out and have fun but to me it meant breaking away from a place with no joy and into a home that provided endless joy and fun. Like a child running to an abandoned circus where there’s no one but the acts hanging out and putting shows on for each other. We were all such characters when we got together..

Sometimes in life our hearts yearn for the love of someone else. The heart is the ultimate lover and betrayer. Jeremiah 17:9 “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” Plenty of us will go wherever we’re loved and feel cared for, like a dog without a home. In a sense, this is how I felt.. Laurie showed me what “home is what you make it” really meant.. Home life wasn’t easy at all through out these times as a teenager and my escape was the home Laurie opened up for me. She took me in the first time I ever left home when I was 18 and even allowed me to bring my cat over for the time being which almost no one would do.. I remember waking up some mornings and going to the room to find her smoking so I’d join her on her bed, smoke a cigarette and watch TV with her and laugh about certain things and talk to her about relationships. She was very private and the things we discussed always stayed between us. We had so much in common, on views, relationships and our judgment of character. She was always looking for love, no matter what tough impression she put off she was a very strong lover at heart.. Other mornings I would wake up to go downstairs to find a huge stack of pancakes on the counter with eggs and bacon.. Those were the good times but Laurie was always in pain and there were those mornings you couldn’t escape the sound of her screams because of how much she was hurting. It would be bad enough to where she couldn’t go to work or walk and had to be helped around the house.. I know that where she is now is a place where physical pain does not exist so I’m sure we all know she is in a much better place..

Matty and Tina, you need to understand she loved you both so much and seriously just wanted the best for you guys. Her actions said it all because of how strong and visible her love was. You 2 were her life so as her life may be over, let the love she had for you guys encompass your heart to help make you strong and remind you she’ll always be with you. Don’t blame yourself for anything you might of done to disappoint her because she loved you both and just wanted you guys to be happy and well off. We all make mistakes so if you feel any resentment just let it go and let her love fill you and consume you as if she were still here. This won’t be easy to get past and you won’t get over the fact she’s gone but you’ll learn to cope with everything in your own unique way. Being an adult is going to kick in full force now so allow yourself some space to grow and don’t strain it.

Something we all need to understand is that, death is somewhere we are all headed so it’s nothing to fear because our time will come when it’s time to go but we all have to make the absolute most out of this life and remain happy and healthy and be physically and spiritually fit for god. Life is too short to wonder what’s going to happen when we go and life is too short to be making bad choices or regretting what we could and couldn’t have done. Everything happens in a sequence of ways where you will learn whatever lesson it is you need to learn whether it’s the easy way or the hard way. It’s up to you to put the puzzle of mistakes and lessons together and see what you get. The mentality we should stick to is what can we do right now to help ourselves and our situations in order to live a more prosperous and joyous life.

I will never forget how great Laurie was to me and I will hold that close to me until the day I die because she invoked a happiness within me when she opened her doors for me and showed me what all is out there.. So this isn’t a goodbye but a see you later and the biggest thank you…

I knew going into this situation that I was going to have to be the stronger one for everyone. Funerals are something I don’t exactly know how to cope with because I mourn alone and quietly.. It’s hard for me to cry in front of people or show emotion… I’ve always been this way for some strange reason and have expressed this in previous posts more thoroughly. I guess it’s just in my Capricorn nature…

I just really wanted to be there for Matty and Tina since they were taking it really hard.. Matt especially.. Seeing him cry the way he did really took a blow at me because it made me feel what he was feeling and it was scary and extremely depressing at the same time. He’s been a best friend of mine for a good 7 years now so I knew I had to be there for him for both days. It’s the loyalty I have for he and his family and he needed all the support he could get.

Day of the burial

I know I come off as tough and emotionless but I feel more then the average person and have a heart bigger then this city. I’m just an endless puzzle you have to put together in order to get results. Sometimes I break my own head trying to figure myself out. But being with the boys again really made me think clear and feel proud of who I am because I know by the speech I gave and by being there for everyone Laurie would of truly appreciated it if she could see it.. It made me see more of my character and the passion I have to care for other people..

I’ll be praying for the entire family and hoping they make it out of this in one piece..

RIP Laurie

Quote of the Day

“The heart is ultimately what feels everything. It’s hard to tell sometimes if what it’s feeling is true or false but when losing someone whether they die, you break up or simply part ways, the heart feels it all and the damage done can really change you.. Guard it with a shield of fire and loyalty and only give it away to those who truly deserve that love because the day you lose them regardless of the situation, its true nature of care and love will surface depending on its growth and strength revealing your true character of self… Wasted love strains and taints the heart confusing it so you want to keep it as pure as possible. Cherish and love the ones you care for deeply with no fear and always know that to every tear down, there’s a rebuild..”
Laurie

25 Feb 2014

I’ve learned today that one of my best friends mom passed away at 7am this morning..

Laurie was always good to me. Loved me like her own and always made sure I could come over when home wasn’t the best place to be which was most of the time back then… Home was always fucked up and nothing was ever really right so whenever I needed to run I went to her place to be with Tina and Matty. Every time things went wrong her doors were always wide open for me.. She took care of me like I took care of her. We were always there for each other and she was like a mother to me and a best friend. I learned what “home is what you make it” really meant and I always addressed her as mom because she acted like one with me and was just great to me and so giving.. She always believed in me and was always interested in what I was doing next and who I was talking to. She always gave me that push and I’m happy for you talk no matter what I was doing.

But, I know she was always in pain and had been struggling allot these past 4 years.. So knowing she’s in peace and knowing she’s somewhere that she won’t feel physical pain is somewhat a relief..

One of the last conversations we had

It’s scary how quickly things change around and take a pivot down.. I’ve seen this pattern before and it seems like when God knows it’s just best to take you something huge happens out of nowhere and then you’re gone..

Lately death has really been on mind and the strange way it works. All of these disasters happening all around the world and how quickly your life can end tomorrow.

It’s opened my eyes to why people say “you only live once” and where the term “seize the moment” comes in because you truly never know when your time is going to come..

Either way I’m heartbroken with this news and I’m going to miss Laurie a fuck ton.. I’ll never forget how much she helped me and did so much for me not knowing how happy she made me when I was around.. I’m sure she could definitely tell.. We would wake up some mornings and watch TV together and eat breakfast. Most times we would all get together and just lay up in bed and watch movies with her and just chill.

Our friendship was very solid..

Her wake and funeral is this weekend and I will be attending looking my best because she always loved that. She always loved what I was doing with my look. She always wanted me to find someone who would appreciate it and love me for me not just how I looked.. I’ll remember that and hold that close to me.

This isn’t a goodbye because our passing time will come but It’s most definitely a see you later.

I love you Laurie

RIP
2013 Overview

29 Dec 2013

Well, I definitely want to start this off by saying that I hope everyone’s Christmas was a success. Mine really was! I’m just happy this year for everyone who has came into my life and decided to stay. This year really wasn’t all about spending money for me because I got a better job that allowed me to spend on myself on all the things I’ve wanted. Sure there’s more things I want but so far I’ve provided myself the little things I’ve wanted and I’m content with that. I think people get confused about Christmas.. It’s not about gifts and food it really is about spending time with those you care about and the ones who have expressed care and love to you.

Jennifer and Joey

Me Carla and Hope

I can be very materialistic and find comfort in allot of things I buy and get as gifts but all of that doesn’t mean shit to me if I’m not happy. I can be very cold and dense but in my true nature, I tend to care about other people more than I do myself. I find that I put myself in situations allot of times where I rather take the bullet for someone than someone take it only because I know how to deal with things in my own way and figure I can sort out whatever problems instead of having someone else go through them.. I rather feel guilty for something going wrong because I feel it was my responsibility to BE responsible about whatever the situation may be just so that someone else doesn’t feel stressed. I don’t put myself in allot of crazy situations but I do take pride in my work and who I am and know how to handle pressure well, very iron-willed. I know that certain people do need to learn certain lessons’s but that’s why I observe every situation and act in a manner where things will play out a certain way for someone to get the point of what I might be trying to show them. I don’t manipulate anyone or anything I just read others well and know when I need to do and act on things a certain way to get a result.

But anyways

So this Christmas I decided to invite a couple of friends over who weren’t doing much or were going to be alone. It was good to just relax at home with my family and friends. Nothing crazy or too exciting just friends dinner and video games.

This year seriously was smooth sailing for me. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been and this year was by far the best in yeeears. I’ve had to endure so much if you guys had read my previous blogs and have been dealing with a ton of bullshit every year since I was 13. It’s really sad and scary to me that when I look back on some of these past years, I was just so miserable and such a loser.. But I’m just now noticing now that these past couple of years have sucked so bad but I was ALWAYS so optimistic about everything, I was always looking ahead and past bullshit knowing and believing that I would eventually get ahead because no bullshit lasts forever. I never lost faith and never lost sight of my goals. Things pass and allot can change in just a matter of years you just have to go out there and work your ass off for it and I hella fucking did this year. I really put myself out there and brought out this completely new person in me that I’ve never met before. I’ve reached a higher level of awareness and pay attention to the way people say things. I normally let a ton roll off my back but that’s because I laugh about everything and am so naive to the way people might treat me that might be fucked up, when I look back and think on it. So I’ve definitely had to stand my ground and speak my mind more than usual but that’s what makes me who I am. I know what I want and I know what I won’t put up with now and I will be a loud bitch if needed..

Daverlie her brother and my brother at the movies. Hangover 3

But this year really went up for me. I grew, I got a better job and I bought a new car. I realized so much about myself. I learned and changed some of my faults that have really fucked with me growing up since I can be extremely stubborn and hot headed.. It’s hard for me to winde down when I get really angry about something and it becomes personal but I’ve learned to change that and analyze if it’s even worth getting so worked over..

But I can’t be anymore grateful for what this year has brought me. I really do feel that God just put everything and everyone important in my life this year. I feel like he really handed things to me and saw how I would deal with them and what I would do and almost everything handed to me I took and really just made the best out of.

But… With some good there does come some serious bad

Dodge Avenger 2013 limo tint and racing stripes.

In October I was diagnosed with a bacteria called H-Pylori.. The bacteria is common in just about anyone. Most people get it as a kid and it grows with them but doesn’t bug them. Only about 20% of people show symptoms for it because it won’t act or grow in most people. The bacteria can be passed in certain situations depending on the toxic levels in your body and if you don’t keep your mouth clean. So it can hide in your teeth cavity so if you have a partner it’s recommended to rinse your mouth with salt water every day until it’s gone and to brush your teeth and use mouth rinse. But it’s mainly passed through fecal matter just like hepatitis A. The bacteria attacks the lining of your stomach and begins to target other parts of your body as it grows. If it grows it begins to clog your bodies natural detox systems which means your liver begins to process everything and your immune system can begin to get confused and weaker as it grows leading to autoimmune disorder. The bacteria ultimately causes ulcers, that’s it’s objective but leads to cancer if untreated… Everything else it fucks with is all from being untreated. I’ve been on antibiotics for a good month now with only 2 weeks total of a break from them.

Courtney

I’ve had to change my diet and cut out certain foods such as Dairy Gluten and Soy and include more vegetables and meats that have a good source of protein. It has been said and proven that sulfurophane (the nutrient in broccoli) completely eradicates H-Pylori so I’ve been loading up on it! Sulforophane also protects against cancer and other diseases.

Emily VanCamp and Joshua Bowman

Overall this bacteria has just shown me how poorly I eat allot of times and how I don’t really take care of my body as well as I should. So it’s definitely been a turning point because I’m not trying to die from a bacteria in my fucking stomach. I’m a fighter and I don’t go down easy so I’ve been beating the shit out of it lol. If the bacteria had a face, I would technically be beating the shit out of it because of how much I’m putting my body through to piss it off and get rid of it lol. It’s a stubborn bacteria and it’s smart so it finds ways to linger.

Ivy Levan Marquee gay pride weekend

But overall

Jesse Jane

I’m just happy..

My mom and Daverlie at Peppermill 3am

Life could get better but the progress I made this year has been the most I’ve made in years and the most progress I’ve made as an adult. Just have to keep pushing now and working my way to the top. I do things carefully, slowly, and patiently because I want my results to be solid and REAL, no bullshit or bullshit strings attached to what I’m aiming for. So I’m going to just keep climbing. My birthday is next month and I’m definitely ready for 23!

Quote of the Day

“They say it takes a minute to find a special person. An hour to appreciate them. A day to love them. And an entire life to forget them..”
Black Forest

13 Dec 2013

Today completes 4 years of blogging for me and man has this been a journey. Writing on this website has helped me understand my own mind and allowed me to put everything I think about in posts for everyone to read. I’ve had to really put aside some fears in order to talk about what’s on my mind. Nonetheless, this has been a growing experience for me and writing continues to help me understand life and my mind and the levels in which it works. Life isn’t easy for most of us but talking about things is the first step to alleviating any kind of discomfort you’re having or any pain you feel.

So aside from my 4 year anniversary of blogging.

It’s been a couple of days of reading about evil things and darkness and I must say… It’s all starting to kind of freak me out haha. The one thing I was completely unaware of when reading was the fact that reading about all of this material creates nothing but a major negative impact on your mind..

Everything that was bothering me would bother me twice as much because I was creating so many negative scenarios in my own head. Driving myself nuts. I was aware of what a book could teach me and how evil tends to sugar coat to make everything sound ok and like it’s good when in reality it’s all a mind fuck to get you to fuck up. Now, many people could read about this and not let it phase them but since I have so much experience with both good and evil I am highly receptive to the emotions I feel when reading and I’m very tuned and in sync which makes my situation a bit more tougher because of the fact I’m highly sensitive to what I’m reading and it can either take over and me feed into it or I can block it out all together. Now that I see what it’s doing to my head I’m able to regain more control. Learning about this stuff isn’t as difficult and intense as I’m making it seem but it really is doing something to me and making me return to places in my mind I didn’t exactly want to visit ever again. Since I’m plunging into darkness it’s the only thing I can think about and I can’t exactly slow down because otherwise I’ll lose the point of trying to learn and just feel like I’m reading for no reason.. So since I’m feeling troubled and confused I decided to go to the store and pick up a St. Michael candle since St. Michael in Catholic religion is the Archangel who fights demons and wards them away.

The only way to describe what I’m feeling is that of walking into a dark forest.

You can tie a string of light from the entrance and know that the reason you’re going in is for answers. Walking into this forest not knowing what to expect is like being afraid around every corner but still curious to find out as you continue to explore the depths of it and of your mind. You don’t know if there’s something waiting to strike you, kill you, a wolf in sheep’s clothing waiting to misguide you but you know the reason why you’re in there. Whatever lays in this forest could be all bad with absolutely nothing good coming out of it but at the heart of it there could be value in what you might find and obtain from the trip to possibly bring back. Just as long as your intentions don’t become dark that string of light won’t sever. If anything is brought out from this forest there will be a consequence. Nothing is freely handed over without some sort of toll to pay..

So there it is, how I feel about everything I’m reading and beginning to understand. There’s a consequence for reading all of this stuff and it’s helping me understand the minds of these satanist’s and how easy it is to turn on God to dive deep into darkness because of the feeling it gives you. Darkness makes you feel hardcore, scary and overall, powerful.. But it’s all nothing but lies, literally. Nothing but a fake power trip that’s short lived. Darkness ultimately loses because evil can’t build, just destroy. Always keep that in mind. Good and Evil are intertwined with each other you just have to learn to distinguish what it is that’s right and wrong.

Quote of the Day

“Good is based on faith and the hearts emotional strength. Evil is more practical and deals with power and destruction.
Iron-willed

14 Sep 2013

I’m not really trying to dig up my past but I feel I really need to talk about a part of it.

but

There’s something about relationships and breaking up that I will never truly understand and it’s the way people act after everything is said and done.

Once everything is said and done why do people continue to try and come back into your life or to see how you’re doing when they never really cared going towards the end of the relationship?

One thing I really realized last weekend was that when you end things with someone, drop it.

A relationship is a rose.

It’s based off of emotion so whatever fucked up in that relationship that was really bad it’s going to kill the relationship by just that much. Either new petals grow with time or with time if nothing is accomplished or working out that rose dies. Once it’s dead you can’t bring it back. There might be hope to plant a new seed but don’t expect the same beautiful flower because you won’t get the same one. Depending on how you water it and grow it will depend on how well its life span is.

I realize now that if you were once in a relationship that ended terribly and in flames then the best thing to do is avoid the person who is causing the problem. No matter how much you want to listen to every word they say just for the hell of it, don’t do it because those are your emotions speaking. If you aren’t happy with the way things ended and prefer not to talk then just avoid the person and any conversation all together because you’ll start digging to the bottom of your grave and reach it within seconds while the other person walks away happy.

That’s just my personal advice because I realized that allot of my sadness came from talking to the problem so to avoid all of that and to never ever return to the past I had to really fight back any possible emotion trying to sneak through from me talking or being a listening ear to the problem. I refuse to go home and think about everything I went through just so that person can go home happy knowing I gave them satisfaction and they gave me bullshit I didn’t care to hear in the first place. I shouldn’t care since things are over but when you spend so much time with someone they kind of become somewhat a part of you because they know you so well. The great thing about that is that although you can’t really forget the past you can sure as hell kill off any feelings you don’t want to ever feel again and you have the option to move forward and never look back and that’s just what I’m doing. I’ve moved on with my life to bigger and better things and I’m not looking back.

It hurts sometimes to be strong but you have to do what you have to do in order to survive in a healthy way.

You will always end up with whatever you feel you’re worth. Just like having a job. If you don’t know your worth, you’ll settle for anything even if it’s shit. I’ve just grown and realized that you have to stand up and fight for what you’re worth in order to get ahead in life.

I will never again settle for less than what I deserve

I can proudly say I’m a damn good person and I help people as much as I can to just get stepped on or treated like shit.

Quote of the Day

You settle for what you feel you deserve. If you feel you need to be treated like shit, find someone abusive. If you feel you deserve to be loved, then find someone who will make you feel beautiful and amazing for just being you.
VIP (Victim Impact Panel)

27 Jun 2013

So today I attended a Victim Impact Panel class.

To start from the beginning of all this, last year I got a DUI leaving a club I was at. I was at a stop light and wasn’t paying much attention to the light and it was green. I got pulled over and did the standardized field sobriety test and passed most of it until I got to the part where I had to stand on one foot and balance for 10 seconds and failed.. I couldn’t be mad about it because I was pretty drunk and I was just a little under double the limit. I remember the only thing I could think about was when I was going to get out and what my mom would think of me..I was so beyond stressed that I didn’t even really eat while I was in jail nor did I sleep or talk much to anyone. Those whom I began to start talking to were getting bailed out and leaving so I eventually was alone in a holding tank of about 20 guys for 18 hours.

Being in jail was the shitiest experience ever and I felt completely horrible because while being in there I realized I could of potentially hurt someone or even killed someone on the way home. I felt like I got pulled over to avoid an accident that was probably waiting to happen to me. I was so out of control when I turned 21 that I was living life and having fun being drunk as fuck at clubs and bars and what not so I shifted gears into overdrive.. I didn’t stop to think of what could probably happen to me or someone else from me drinking and driving and I didn’t care quite frankly. I had a shity year in 2011 and was drowning everything by drinking. I wasn’t an alcoholic because I didn’t feel the need to drink everyday but I sure as hell got fucking wasted every time I did or almost every time.

So I got out of jail and almost instantly changed my habits around. I no longer got shit face wasted when I went out and didn’t think about drinking and driving. If I had anything to drink I would wait hours before I left to go home. I’m the type of person that is always trying to fix things.. I’m always trying to make sure everyone is happy and that there isn’t drama and anytime someone is hurt it almost hurts me just as much because I tend to focus allot on people’s pain in order to see how to help them.. It’s weird, it’s almost as if I put myself in their shoes and focus on their mentality at that moment and how they feel and from there I’m able to give advice but there are some things you just can’t help with..

So there was this lady speaking today named Joan and she showed a slide show of people who have been hit by drunk drivers. She showed a boy at the end of her presentation of him from the time he was a baby till he grew up and explained how that was her son and how he was riding his bike home from work and he was hit by a drunk driver..

Her story really struck me because she explained how she was very close to him as he to her. She showed pictures of things he made her growing up telling her that he loved her and she explained how every mothers day she puts up the last mothers day card she received from him on her television.

Her loss was over 20 years ago and the way she speaks about it is as if it just happened yesterday. It made me think what if that happened to me? I could relate to the story in the sense that I’m just as close to my mom and how devastating it would be to her to hear that something bad happened to me all because of drunk driving or because of a drunk driver.

Everyone assumes that because there was an accident in town that they won’t get into one because no one has hit them or they know how to drive but the reality of everything is that every single day you run the risk of being hit or dying and that’s why I think parents worry so much because they know this and that’s what makes them care for their children. I’ve just never been so touched in my life by going to one of these classes.

The very last story probably hit me the most because it was about a father who had 2 kids. His daughter worked at the convenient store down the street at night and he worried about his daughter walking home so he would get up every night to meet her there and to walk her home to make sure nothing happened to her. Well I guess one night as he was walking there a car struck him and the car struck him so hard that his feet tore off from the ankles down, and the impact was so hard that he even flew out of most of his clothes and his intestines flew over 200 feet from where he was hit. All from a drunk driver and the ironic part was that the person had a ribbon on their car antenna that stated they wouldn’t drink and drive. His son then came out of the house and witnessed his father dead with his feet tore off. If that isn’t horrible I don’t know what is.

The story hit me so hard because the man was just being a good father, caring for his kids and making sure his daughter got home safe and he ends up dead.. I didn’t care to hear if he had a car or that he could of drove, whatever the case may be, he was hit by a drunk driver.

I really didn’t know what I was getting myself into when I went to this panel and I was almost sure it was just going to be some lecture on to not drink and drive but it became such a personal experience and it made me want to not ever drink and drive again and to make sure I tell all my friends and people I know to not drink and drive and if you do drink wait hours until you leave to make sure you’re ok to drive but to just not drink and drive.

These stories weren’t saying that these people hit others because they were drunk, these stories showed innocent people who were hit by drunk drivers. From kids being hit to families burning alive in their cars..

After the panel I went to meet a friend at a bar that was right next door and out of respect of the stories I heard I ate nachos and drank pineapple juice..This experience made me realize that we take so much for granted and run free around town not thinking anything will ever happen to us but it eventually catches up to you.. I’m glad that I’m the type of person to truly learn from my mistakes because it’s stories like these that really make me think and really change my ways. After today I don’t think I’ll ever drink and drive and if I go out drinking I’ll make sure to wait hours before I leave like I have been doing to make sure I’m sober.

Quote of the Day

“Don’t drink and drive”
Report results

12 Jun 2013

So it’s been awhile since I last wrote but there’s just been so much going on with me lately that I haven’t even gotten the chance to sit down and really collect myself. Blogging to me is about getting personal and talking about various things at once instead of a day by day kind of thing. I like to break everything down but to start off.

Christina

I recently just bought a new car on Monday, the Dodge Avenger 2013 and man is the feeling just sooooo great.

I’ve wanted a new car for about a year now and have thought about it almost every single day since I’ve started to want a new one. Not because I didn’t like what I was driving but because the car I was driving was starting to fail and allot of the functions weren’t working properly and things were breaking so instead of putting money towards fixing it I decided it would honestly just be easier to buy a new car and see how that goes and I seriously got one of thee best deals ever on the car.

Old car, Honda Accord ’91. This car was amazing to start off with because of how easy it is to drive and how good it is with gas but I don’t have kids and I’m not a soccer mom. I will miss it though..

I still can’t believe I walked away with the car I wanted and the process was one of the smoothest ever. It also helped that a good friend of mine from high school was the car sales person helping me since she works for dodge so she definitely hooked it up!

I don’t mean to brag about having a new car at all because I know some people might not have the opportunity or money to buy a new car or anything of the sort but I just feel I need to talk about it because to me this was such a huge accomplishment. I feel myself maturing and I feel the ground beneath me settling and being easier to walk on. This new path that I’ve taken has seriously been the right one for once and I can tell that now that I have better transportation I’ll be able to go out more and do more since the heat will be allot more tolerable.

I just remember going to watch a movie with my little brother and as we were driving home I saw a man crossing the street and I’m such a deep thinker that my mind starts racing if I stare and think for too long. So this man is crossing and he doesn’t look homeless and he doesn’t look too poor he just looks like he’s somewhat well provided with what he has. He didn’t look that happy but was definitely headed somewhere since he was walking. The more I stared at him the more I couldn’t help but be thankful for what I have because that could of been me waiting for the sun to go down to walk to wherever I needed. I’m always thankful to God for guiding me and leading me in the direction that I need to go in. Things have been rough but if they weren’t as rough as they were I wouldn’t have came out to be such a deep thinker or even cared to write about what I go through everyday. There’s just those things that people are meant to do and people they are meant to become and you get tested and those who can’t seem to pass the test of life give in to so much bullshit and say fuck it.

Christina’s buisness card. Call her if you’re looking for a new or used car. She’s seriously amazing at what she does and got employee of the month in April for a reason.

I originally wanted the 2011-2012 Charger but was told that the payments would of been way too much since it’s considered a sports car and the insurance starts at $200 for it. I mainly wanted it because the car looks fucking mean but it can wait because I don’t plan on spending my paychecks strictly to my car.

I personally recommend anyone who is trying to get anywhere in life to just start out by building credit, even if you start with a secured card because when everyone fails you and you feel you can’t rely on someone to help you get something, credit will be able to buy you some time and depending on how good your score is it’ll help you get somewhere. Credit really is everything and that’s where I started in order to start getting somewhere.

So yeah, I been working 2 jobs and growing more and more with them still and getting more experience on the career that I want to aim for, I just hope I can hang tight and stay stable throughout the ride. Optimism is the key

Quote of the Day

“If sadness eventually leads to happiness then nowhere must lead to somewhere.”
Photograph it

13 Feb 2013

Whenever I get frustrated from something or from just being in doors I tend to go out and take photos now. I took a day out to kind of go hunting for shooting grounds and found a couple around the neighborhood. I think there’s beauty everywhere you go you just have to find exactly where it’s hiding so these images kind of helped me realize that and they kind of have meaning to me, the location and angles they’re taken. I’m not professional so I know some people might not think they’re shit but I like em and I’m proud of the pictures I’ve been taking lately. I think photography has really been able to take me to my past a little in a healthy way. It’s helped me take pictures of things I remember seeing growing up but never captured on a camera.

It’s interesting how much power a single photograph can hold and what it eventually ends up meaning to some people. I try to live my life through all these memories now. I don’t wish to relive the past I just like to revisit it often. I think I’ll always be the kind to remember where I grew up how I did and all the crazy shit I did. I think it’s probably because that’s when I was the happiest, having no problems no worries just care free fun. Growing up you realize you have so much to live up to and so much you need to get done but luckily I’m glad I can be busy as fuck but always make time for myself and things ‘I’ like to do and want to do. I can’t stand the people that say they’re too busy to do anything. That’s not living, that’s slavery, give yourself a break.
NYE Vegas 2013

1 Jan 2013

Getting the night started with Danielle.

New years on the strip was completely out of control wild. So much fun

I haven’t been on the strip for new years in maybe 2-3 years now so it was good to embrace the madness and go out on the town again.

Friend managed to get a room down the street from the strip so we walked to the strip from there and ran into a bunch of people from high school we grew up with which was completely out there and random but fun none the less.

I think the only part anyone has to worry about when being on the strip for new years is the parking, other than that you’re fine. If you like being around allot of people and like to go crazy and have fun then I definitely reccomend being on the strip for new years that’s where you should be. Only advice I can give is if anyone tries to start shit for bumping into them keep walking because everyone is going to bitch and complain regardless.

PBR Rock Bar

It was a real great night overall. Hopefully this year is just as great as last year and whatever happens hopefully it all just falls together for a better plan. Everything happens for a reason and even though it might seem like it doesn’t it all does because you realize down the road that what happened fell together for something else to happen and help you learn lessons.

Outside of Planet Hollywood.

Let me just say that there was allot of alcohol involved and allot of shouting and meeting new people. Last night was a spontaneous night and that’s the best time, not knowing what’s going to happen.

This year I don’t plan on dragging any shit from last year into it. Whatever went down last year is staying there. I kind of see each new year as an open portal you go through it and go through a bunch of shit and learn allot and grow and then when that new year hits that portal closes and everything you learned you take and the negative that happened stays back there, when you keep dragging things from the past into the future it takes up way too much energy and loses the meaning of what a new year really means..

Is my flash too much officer?

Random picture of 2 rad cops.

Pull that everclear shot.

Woop
Bittersweet

28 Dec 2012

So I thought I’d give another review about the end of the year.

I met a bunch of new people and lost a bunch as well. My life is never steady when it comes to friends. I have been in denial that my friend door is just a revolving one. I’ve tried to deny that fact because I just always resort to feeling lonely but I always remind myself that I am my own best friend and that I shouldn’t always be searching for someone to have so close to me because you never know what can happen tomorrow.

I won’t hold anyone’s flaws against them, if I feel personally offended or hurt because of what someone did or said to me I’ll forgive because everyone deserves forgiveness but I don’t feel the need to continue talking to those people. We all have problems and nobody’s problems are bigger and more important than our own and if I become victim to them then I have no choice but to walk away because there isn’t another option if you think about it. I refuse to move past it because of something worse happening later down the road and I’m not going to act like things are OK if they’re just not..

Rainy night in Vegas

I’m content with the little friends I do have and love them to death and it’s no ones fault I feel lonely and don’t want anyone feeling like they’re not doing enough it’s just personal.

I’m still searching for that peace I still don’t feel within myself. I still feel like something is missing and like I don’t belong where I’m at. It’s the weirdest feeling. Sometimes I don’t even feel like I’m human because of the way I’m treated or looked at. I don’t mind it but it’s just kind of a shity feeling because it feels like I’ll never really find a place in this world where I belong or in this lifetime. I know it’s weird to think about or see that I might feel that way but it’s just a feeling I’ve always had. I’m really optimistic, things could be so shity but I’ll still look on the bright side but this is just something deep within myself that I feel. Maybe things will change in the future but for now it’s a feeling that just sucks. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t feel like that. I remember going to fill out a job application and it says to list 3 people you’re closest to list and I could barely come up with anyone. I knew people I could put down that are friends of mine but no one that like knows my whole life story that I know wouldn’t mind. I’m not complaining though, just generally speaking bout how I feel.

Full Moon in Vegas

Anyways, on a lighter note. As everyone knows I took up starting to do photography. Nothing professional at all or spectacular just taking photos of things that have meaning to me and finding flaws and such to kind of get my own image going. I know people say to look up books and things to help but I like to be my own person and don’t like to copy what other people do or even have similarities, that’s how you get all these lazy people that say they want to try ideas that they saw and then everyone becomes the same or trying ideas other people first started to do.

Next door neighbors dog: Liberty

I’ve always expressed myself through writing and photographs and have always thought of myself as just very visual. So I’m just trying to kind of form a story with everything I do and see what I can come up with.

A sunny Vegas is a nice Vegas.

Like anyone I’ve always envisioned myself becoming something great and living in a big house alone and just being happy alone but I realize that I’m not like everyone in a sense where I don’t care for money. It’s comforting to have in your wallet but at the end of the day it’s as disposable as trash and people who have plenty of it and don’t care for anything but it, become just as much of trash..

I might have all the facts wrong but I just look on the negative side of these things because when you’re too happy with what you have and the things you want, you don’t ever thing of the negative since you’re lost in a moment. I don’t ever want to fall victim to such deep problems so I look at the negative and go by that because sometimes the negative holds the most truth balancing everything out to be 50 50. You know 50 negative and 50 positive that’s healthy as opposed to knowing 100 of positive and no negative to help you out if you run into a big problem. (I hope that made sense)

So, next year I hope that I can just keep trying to get somewhere. I’m trying really really hard but just keep falling, I feel stuck more than anything. I’ve taken some harsh reality hits this year and have gotten in trouble so I just kind of hope everything eases up a bit. I’ve never been a problem child. Although I’ve gotten in trouble for things I’ve never been BAD so getting in trouble still scares me and makes me feel like shit because if I get in trouble for something I do I know it was really bad and I don’t like feeling like that so I learn and move on. It just hurts sometimes to not really have an escape from reality when reality isn’t the greatest. I know you have to make your reality great and make your life something exciting but I can’t seem to do that and part of that reason is because I don’t know where to start..

I don’t mean to sound depressed because I’m not, I just feel stuck and don’t know which way to turn when every way I turn just leaves me confused or not wanting to go in that direction.

Luckily I’ve gotten more in touch with religion and that’s been helping. I used to go to Sunday school when I was growing up and loved it because that was the one thing that just really helped me feel connected to myself. I learned things that I could relate to. I was never closed minded and even when I heard things about homosexuality in the bible and such it never made me angry like it makes most gay people because I understand the way it all works and what the bible means about it. Religion works for some and doesn’t work for others and I don’t force it on anyone, just express what I’ve learned and what’s helped me. I just strongly believe that people should believe in a god out there instead of a celebrity that plays god. If people watch movies on demonic possession and things of the sort I don’t see how they could not think a god exists? To be honest, the majority of things I post are all because of things I’ve learned from the bible that I’ve been able to translate and speak about in my own way.

Midnight mass on Christmas eve/Christmas.

I just strongly believe nothing goes unpunished for whether you believe in god or not. I believe your soul works like a record, the more bad you do goes on your record and the good you do doesn’t go unseen it gets rewarded in due time. When you die all of that counts against you like a law, a spiritual law. People think it’s ok to be evil if you’re not caught but it eventually comes and bites you in the ass and every word you speak out against someone comes back and slaps you right in the face, if not in this lifetime, then when you die. I just feel there’s a plan for everyone and everything happening is according to some kind of plan. I know I’ve quit allot of bad habits like nothing and continue to do so but I’m not perfect and still do bad shit but I’ve managed to hold onto allot of innocence that’s left in me.

I probably sound crazy but this is all stuff I learned this year by just thinking and putting pieces together. I don’t ask anyone to agree with me or try to FIGHT ME about my beliefs I just hope people could start being a little more open minded and not sensitive and close minded. I’m still learning and hope that I’ve got everything down correct. I just want next year to be great and to just keep growing and learning and be successful and just have a clear mind with what I want to do with my life instead of always changing my mind.

Quote of The Day

“In a world where friends are rare to come across and loneliness seems to always be next to you no matter what, being your best friend is what loneliness truly is, the sad reality is that many people will mistake it for a void that needs to be filled and once that void is filled it’s only temporary and when it goes empty again it hurts and twists more and more like a snake biting into your arm and constricting..”
21

28 Jan 2012

Almost 2 weeks ago I turned 21

Honestly, I love it but at the same time it makes me sad

Turning this age you realize you don’t have the risk of getting caught drinking underage or not being able to go out with everyone to the clubs and bars because you’re not of age yet.

There’s allot of hype being 21 but after that you’re just..An adult now

Revo

Honestly, on my birthday I realized that being 21 now, I’m a full on adult, I’m not a boy anymore (technically) so I have to start looking after myself and seeing what I want to do with my life because I’m just getting older now. In other words, time to start reaching some goals.

On my birthday everyone that means something to me showed up, I thanked everyone for coming, I thanked everyone that has once helped me for everything they’ve done for me. I did nothing but give thanks. My birthday should of been about me and it was all about me but I made sure to make it about everyone else too because some of the people that showed up have really helped me through so much in my life. I give thanks to all those listening ears and crying shoulders I’ve had to lean on, not many people even get that.

Lisa ❤

My loves, Jayme Chace and Paige 🙂 ❤

Mom ❤

from left Michale, Amanda me and RJ. Loves ❤ 🙂

Being 21 reminds me of how I wish I was little again. about 10-12 you get that feeling of how you wish you could go back to being innocent and playing on the playground with all your friends and just not giving a care in the world but it also makes you realize how far you’ve come and the age you’re at and what you’ve accomplished and what you’re yet to accomplish.

Talofa ❤

Taylor ❤

joseh ❤

The pictures could go on and on, go on facebook to see more. facebook.com/piecesofjameson

I feel like new meat on the market from how everyone acts when I go out but I’m not new to this game so I’ve slowly been learning my limit to drinking what to do and what not to do when I go out because Vegas is just way too fast paced to be slow and patient with these experiences and people to let a disaster happen. I’ve been g0ing out so damn much that my throat was hurting like fucking hell the past 3 days. I feel allot better this morning but fuck, all that partying for a week straight really does catch up, just saying.

It’s been a wild ride already but most importantly everything has been going great. I’m starting completely new this year when it comes to everything. My conscious is clear, I’m single, I’m moving forward in life and I don’t need anyone or anything holding me back or putting stress on me this year. This year, it’s gonna be all about me because I know I need time to myself to experience life and everything it has to offer. Everything happens for a reason