It’s 12am and I’m laying in bed thinking about anything and everything right now. It’s a cool night tonight, not hot what so ever, humid if anything.
I’ve felt extremely disconnected to everything lately. I haven’t really kept in touch with anyone. I’ve had allot on my mind from so much that has happened and keeps happening but hey that’s life. Nothing will ever just be at a stand still and the more I try to disconnect in order to avoid any unnecessary stress, the more everything comes flying like hail that grows bigger as it falls from the sky. It’s funny the things we do to avoid stress or problems lol. We all have a way of coping with things a certain way. Mine seems to be to shut down apparently.
I got sick once again, this time with bronchitis. It was so fucking difficult to get rid of it. I had to see 2 different doctors to see what was going on with me. I got it all taken care of after a month of being sick.
Now I’m seeing flashes in my eyes and had an eye doctor appointment today at 10:30am to see what could be wrong with my eyes. Found out I have a popped blood vessel in my eye (subconjunctival hemorrhage) from coughing so fucking hard when I was sick.
There’s so much I want to say that’s been going on with me but I just can’t. Briefly that’s what’s going on. I’ve been getting sick like an old fucking man. Makes me feel like I won’t live that long since my immune system seems to be weaker than I’d like to believe it is haha. For that reason I’ve started taking all sorts of different vitamins to keep it up.
I haven’t really been motivated to do much these past couple of weeks either. I’ve been stuck in a rut of boredom and trying to find new hobbies. I loved kick boxing for so long but I feel like I’ve ran my course with that. It’s very very therapeutic if you have as much anger as I do kept inside you need to release but after awhile it’s good to change it up and find other ways to cope with your sanity.
I’ve felt Joey really really close as of a couple days ago. I’ve had so many nights I go home crying, especially when I get drunk. It’s hard saying that because of how personal the situation is but I figure I’d share just so you can understand how I feel right now. I have episodes where I get really angry because I just wish I could hear his voice again counseling me and telling me what I need to hear to get past whatever I’m going through. I wish I could see him or just know he’s around somehow some way. It feels like he’s been gone for so long but its only been 4 months.
I got really drunk the other night and lets just say it was wild.
I remember laying in a dark room and could hear music playing very faintly in the room. It sounded like a radio station. Some songs came on by Lana that reminded me of him and then a song by Lorde came on that Joey used for the best friends video he made for us and I couldn’t help but feel sentimental in the room. I felt like he was there that night with me. I just felt his presence very close.
Last night I was at the store around midnight picking things up for the house since I’ve been cooking more since I’ve been sick and haven’t been able to go to eat out. Soon as I got to the store and started grabbing what I needed one of Joey’s sister’s (Tawnee) called me and it made me really happy because I remember when I used to make those midnight trips all the time I would ALWAYS call Joey because I hated doing grocery shopping with all the fucking weird ass people of Walmart. It made me feel like he was even closer.
Have you ever watched a scary movie like Halloween for instance where Michael Myers is far as hell when you see him and then out of nowhere he’s right behind you. That’s how I felt. Almost like all the crying and all the wishing I could see Joey again has kind of come together as a way of me not being able to see him but feel him and know he’s very close by. My energy isn’t as sensitive as when he first passed away since its been a couple months so nothing dramatic has happened lately like doors being opened or door handles being shaken with no one on the other side of the door. But things definitely keep happening to where I know for sure he’s around.
I’ve been attending church more often. Trying to go every Tuesday if I’m not too busy. Been trying to just pray for Joey and hope he’s ok…
I played this game called Dante’s Inferno and beat it already but man the games intense. I believe strongly in God and playing that video game really opened my eyes to some questions I’ve had. It’s funny the game did that because it’s just a video game but through out the game you have an angel guarding you and telling you why certain people are in hell and for what reason they’re in the circle that they’re in. It kind of freaked me out because it puts some stuff into perspective and it’s pretty dead on for a video game.
I’ve started marathon training for the Zion half this week! That’s some good news. This is probably going to be the toughest race I’ve done because for one it’s a competition. You have to be at mile 10 by 10:30am otherwise they take you to the finish line because they have to open the road by 10:30am. The last 3 miles are sidewalk so you can walk if you need to. This race is definitely going to be tough because it’s all uphill! Not to mention parking is going to be a pain in the ass and it starts at 7:30am regardless, no waves or any of that shit.
I’m super stoked but I have to really start running my ass off and trying to run at least 4-5 miles within an hour if I really want to push myself and hopefully make it to the awards ceremony by 9am. I’m just looking for people to do it with me because it would kind of suck to do it alone. It’s a super long fucking course. Tough Mudder was 10-12 miles and I did that but my knees started to give out after the first 7 miles since I forgot to stretch like a dumbass and it was cold that day and sprinkling! my poor knees were so done but I fucking finished and ran through those damn electric wires and had my beer at the end! I left right after though. I couldn’t stand how cold it was and it felt like I was getting hypothermia. It was my first half marathon (sorta since a half marathon is 13 miles) but I had a fucking blast doing it. It was more of an endurance test for me to see what I can handle. I can handle it. I can handle just about anything as long as I focus and train my mind to understand everything will be alright.
I’m ready for the race I just hope I can get the days off because I’ll need Friday and Saturday off since Saturday morning is the race. Ticket prices are currently $80 and will go up in price after September 7th so I’ll have to see if I can get the days off for it.
March 14th 2015. So excited
But that kind of concludes what’s been going on lately. Nothing too extreme. Nothing but emotions and drama really but I’m always able to bounce back. I just have to get back outdoors and know everything is going to just be ok. Still trying to be strong and build my defense and it’s been working. Still thinking about what I want to go to school for as well so I’ve been going to the library almost every week checking books out on all sorts of things that interest me. Majority have been about human viruses and vitamins as well as screen writing. So we’ll see what captivates me enough to go back to school. I should really start soon though. Tired of not really doing shit with my LIFE just finding new hobbies lol.
I’m just a big work in progress and a never ending book. I change my mind often and change in many ways but try to change for the better and not bitter because I know how I can get. Overall though I still remain the same optimistic sweet Brian. Extremely loving and extremely loyal. Always looking to make the next person I meet happy or smile and feel special. Just trying to stay happy 🙂
One thought on “Emotive and Cerebral Course”
I’m sorry to hear about your loss. I’m kinda in the same boat emotionally. I lost my brother 4 years ago this September and I’m still a wreck about it, I never had mood swings before that. If you ever want to talk (which is the best way to cope) you can contact me by email or facebook. As the saying goes “misery loves company.”