So I just got back home from California Thursday morning (6/11/14)

I must say this trip was definitely what I needed. I traveled alone this time since I just needed space. I saw friends and family, went to the beach, drank and took photos the entire time there and just forgot about all of my problems. It kind of surprised me when I came home how much I didn’t even think about my problems. Joey came to mind here and there but overall I was thinking more so about what I was going to do for the night because all I wanted to do was go out and see everyone and that is exactly what I did. I know that’s what Joey wanted as well because I have felt him lately and I’ll explain later on how I know he’s still around and watching over me.

Sunday (6/8/14) Pride parade.

I arrived in California around 4am and had to get up by like 9:45am to get ready which was a pain in the fucking ass since I hate mornings… I totally pulled it off though. I met up with my good friend Dana who was staying in town at a hotel in Hollywood and headed over with he and his friends.

There were so many people and the vibe and the people there was so different compared to Vegas pride. The location and the weather was just beautiful. LA is definitely different compared to Vegas and the people are much more different too.

I noticed one very important thing that I’ve always wanted from Vegas; EVERYONE TALKS TO YOU! People are curious, people genuinely ask how your day is and have full on conversations with you which I completely loved. I love talking to strangers and getting to know just about anyone, it’s what makes me who I am and why I’m so cheerful all the time. I’m not afraid of meeting new people or nervous when speaking. People at the bars weren’t afraid to talk to you and I didn’t really run into many cunts at all. Everyone I met seemed to have a really good attitude and was having fun like everyone else. In Vegas you get everyone that’s grouped and that’s it. Not really much hope making friends unless it’s through mutual friends and the attitudes are through the roof. Big reason why I just tend to stay home.

I saw a ton of friends I hadn’t seen in so long so I’ve been so busy every time I’ve been in California. I’m always busy when I go out there. Either busy with work or having to go somewhere for a birthday or wedding or family get together and almost every time I don’t have my car but this time I made sure to take my car instead of fly, so I could cruise all over.

The walk was a ton of fun overall but Dana and I weren’t there long. I REALLLLLYYY wanted to go to the beach. He and I were at the walk for maybe 2 hours and then went over to the Wil Rogers state beach where my face got fucking sun burnt! I had SO MUCH FUN THERE! But I seriously woke up the next day and was moving my forehead around and it felt tight. I haven’t had a sun burn since I was like 10 so I couldn’t figure out what was wrong until it got more and more red within 2 days. I totally forgot to put on sunscreen. But I’m fine now my face is back. 🙂

The beach was beautiful that day. I was pretty buzzed from having drinks at the parade so swimming was definitely interesting. I was just so happy to be back at the beach and away from Vegas away from drama away from my problems and just relaxing and getting sun. I hate tanning and don’t do day time but I truly just did not care this trip. I didn’t care if I got a sun burnt or if I acquired a tan because this trip was just no problems and no cares, just pleasure. I was in town for only 4 days but I made the best out of them and they inspired me to take a trip far far away. Somewhere I’ve never been.

I’m thinking that by the end of the year I’ll take a trip to Maui in Hawaii. I’ve always wanted to go because I hear it’s beautiful. I hear there isn’t much shopping or clubbing to do, it’s just a place where you can relax  and that is all I want this year is to relax and forget my problems.

Monday 6/9/14

Dana had to drive back to Vegas early so I lingered around Hollywood and took pictures of things that I felt were beautiful, especially the houses! Every house I saw made me miss California more and more because the houses in California are just so old that it makes me feel nostalgic and wish I lived in California to live in these beautiful homes. 1 house in particular reallllly caught my eye.

This house is just stunning. Something you would think you’d see straight out of The Great Gatsby.

As I waited for Matt to get off work so we could hang out I walked around Hollywood for a good 2 hours taking pictures of anything I felt was beautiful and I was surprised how many shots came out so good.

I even managed to creep up to the film institute to take some photos of the campus and of the Warner Bros. building as well. I never realized how connected all these big business are.

I hung out with my friend Matt who I have not seen in about 2 years. We strolled around West Hollywood and went bar hopping during the day which was so fucking weird to me because I don’t bar hope until about 9-10pm in Vegas IF I’m downtown. To be doing it during the day felt really strange since I don’t like day drinking. I visited a ton of places such as Saint Felix and The Hudson. I had never even been to even though I’ve been to West Hollywood before. Matt showed me a great time and made sure I enjoyed myself. I hung out with him most of the entire trip.

Matt’s a Capricorn as well so we totally understood each others humor which was so awesome because we were being so fucking obnoxious and vulgar and did not give a shit who noticed. The more attention the better.

It was super cold though, I totally didn’t really pack that well for the weather because allot of my t-shirts were tanks since I thought it was going to be nice weather but man when that sun was starting to set it would get so fucking cold that you definitely wanted to have a jacket on you.

Tuesday 6/10/14

Matt and I went to the Will Rogers State beach.

Matt brought bourbon and ginger-ale and mixed us drinks on the beach.

It felt like sheer paradise. I can’t explain how great it feels to sit on the beach and just enjoy a drink and watch the waves. The weather was amazing and the water felt great. I remember laying back with my sunglasses on and just taking in my surroundings and how I felt at that moment. The ocean did something to me. I feel almost like it was taking me in and comforting me. It’s funny; I feel like states, cities, towns speak to you all in their own way. Being at the beach this time after losing Joey just made me feel like the ocean was in a way opening its arms to me. I kept asking Matt take pictures and videos of me for my film I’m putting together just to capture the moment I was in. He definitely nailed some good footage and shots.

There was also these 2 ladies with their kids and their kids all had wet suits and boogie boards it was the cutest thing ever. I didn’t mean to be sneaky and photograph them without knowing but the moment was just perfect. The kids just looked so alive and you could tell the mothers are raising them right. They weren’t obnoxious or loud they were all enjoying themselves and just having fun. No screaming or any of that shit.

After the beach we went to go eat at Bubba Gump and let me just say that their food is BOMB. The one in Vegas not so much but the one in Santa Monica, oh yes. We had these big ass drinks called coronaritas and a huge platter of shrimp, artichoke dip, hush puppies and I also ordered a burger with fries. I was stuffed like a fat fucking pig.

Afterwards I went home showered and headed back out around midnight with Matt and ran into a friend of mine, Josh, that I had never met but had kept in touch with here and there for like 6 years. I had spoke to him for the first time like 2 years before coming out because I wanted to finally hang out with him. It was so unexpected to see him out because I didn’t contact him when I came out since I totally forgot to. I forgot to contact a ton of people because I was so caught up in going out and didn’t want to contact anyone who would flake so I just stuck to the people I know I could see out. It was great to see him and finally meet Josh though after so many years.

Wednesday 6/11/14

The sad day of leaving home came but I was kind of relieved to be heading back home because I really just wanted to unpack all my things and wash my clothes. I felt kind of dirty and just wanted my bed. I hung out with my cousin and aunt that day though since I had been going out so much and hadn’t seen them much although I was staying with them. We made dinner and talked until about 9pm about what has been going on in Vegas and I got to spend allot more time with my cousins daughter (2nd cousin) since I haven’t seen much of her since she was born.

I headed out back to West Hollywood to meet Matt one more time around 10pm. Matt was working so when I showed up I hadn’t really contacted anyone but I wanted to be alone and take photos of what Hollywood looks like at night and it made me not want to leave.. California just does something to me. If I wasn’t so established in Vegas I would probably move.. But I don’t exactly think I could deal with the last call bullshit and shutting everything down by 2am. I mean I know there’s spots like 24 kitchen but that’s not enough for me haha. I like to be able to do my grocery shopping at midnight and making dinner by 1am.

I met Matt at the restaurant he works at and we headed over to Micky’s where I ran into my friend Landon who comes to Vegas often.

We weren’t really there too long and I had to go home since it was already 1am. Matt and I ate at Kitchen 24 before I hit the road. I was so grateful he accompanied me most of the trip.

Overall I need to say that I truly needed this trip away from everyone and everything. I’ve never needed to get away so bad in my life as I needed to. I’ve been definitely trying to avoid depression and before I left to California I was still very tormented about Joey. I do fine for awhile until I start to crumble so that’s when I run.

I know that I need to be strong and that’s what I’m trying to do.

I know he’s watching over me because Saturday June 14th I was having a really really bad day. Ever since I got back from California people were just saying stupid shit and getting on my nerves and work was just being complete and total shit. So I went upstairs to Scarpetta on my break to talk to Kelly the GM and just get away from the store. Literally the minute I sat down this girl turned to me and started talking to me and telling me I was cute and where I was from and such. within 15 minutes I knew why she was there what she does and what part of town she lives on. She said she has an assistant by the name of Nick that works with her and helps her with everything. She put her number in my phone and I texted her a photo to her with my name so she could save me in her phone. She then replied saying “you knew Joey.” I told her yes that was my best friend. I then remember Nick because he and I and Joey all hung out once. It was just bizarre. Just another one of his friendly reminders that he’s around still. I miss him so much.

Earlier today Tuesday June 17th

I went to purchase the new Lana album. Let me start by saying that it’s great but I prefer her original songs allot better honestly. I love the album but it’s definitely a bit different and some of the songs aren’t as catchy. Some songs to really consider and that I highly recommend you listen to if you bought the album or haven’t listened to it yet are.

• Brooklyn Baby
• Shades of Cool
• West Coast
• Pretty When You Cry
• The Other Woman
• Black Beauty-(if you bought the deluxe like I did)

I made sure to call Zia Records a day before and tell them to put a copy on hold for me.

I realize that the one true way I could really live with Joey in my heart forever is through Lana Del Rey. With every song I played and every lyric I heard Joey was all I saw and all I thought about. The memories of he and I would hit me and I had my moments here and there but over all I am beginning to learn that this is my way of coping with him gone. Every time I miss him I just put her on and remember the times we had together. When I need to stop or once I let my emotions flow I just shut the music off and go back to reality. It’s sad really the things you have to do to remember someone and be able to cope with loss. I continue to keep changing and seeing the world and people differently every day. I’ve lost allot of the urge to talk to many people for reasons I’ve already stated before.

I’m trying to not repeat any habits or anything I’ve been doing since Joey has been gone and just trying to stay sane and to continue to move forward. It’s not easy but I’m doing it.

“They say I’m too young to love you
They say I’m too dumb to see
They judge me like a picture book
By the colors like they forgot to read
I think we’re like fire and water
I think we’re like the wind and sea
You’re burning up, I’m cooling down
You’re up, I’m down
You’re blind, I see
But I’m free
I’m free”

“Don’t say you need me when
You’re leaving, you leave again
I’m stronger than all my men
Except for you
Don’t say you need me then
You realize you’ll leave me
I can’t do it, I can’t do it
But you do it best

I’m pretty when I cry”