Shadows

So yesterday (technically 2 days ago) marked 2 months since my best friend passed away.. I didn’t realize until that night that it was 2 months since he’s been gone.. All day that day I felt an overwhelming sadness. The night before I had been upset still about him being gone but that day was just it for me.

Facebook can now track where you go and how many times you visit it and such so as advertisement when you log in it shows an automatic message with you and someone else. So what I’m assuming they did was match me with someone who is constantly being tagged with me, the most frequent person in my news feed. So they grabbed Joey and showed me this.

I didn’t think much of it but when I posted it the messages everyone were sending kind of made me think. Something little like this makes me feel like he’s still around..

So yesterday I woke up and went to the library and checked out some books on things I’ve been looking up such as online marketing and photoshop. I went to my kick boxing class I haven’t been to in like a month and then I went to starbucks and grabbed a coffee and went to the park around 9pm..

I felt sorry for myself for being so sad.. I hate being a downer I really do because I’m always cheerful and love making people smile but I really can’t help how sad I’ve been still. I know this isn’t going to be easy getting past but the situation haunts me everyday..

I remember sitting at the park and just wishing he was there sitting with me. I was talking to myself like a crazy person as if he was there with me, in hopes he could hear me.. It was dark and the only thing I could see were the lights on from the playground. I sat there and stared into the dark and let my mind just flash with memories I’ve been suppressing to avoid crying. I obviously couldn’t help but to cry and hurt when I let that loneliness creep in to remind me what it feels like. I didn’t mind it though. I need it to hurt me enough to be able to rebuild. It’s just hard to know when it’ll ease up on me. I know everything is still recent but I’m still hurting.. I’m hurting some people around me still and I’m distancing myself from allot of people including my family yet I whine about feeling alone. It’s just something I can’t help.

NCOD 2012

I feel like I need to help myself and not let people see that I’m hurt so I try to deal with problems on my own because everyone has their own problems to worry about and don’t need me down pouring my sorrow on them. The friends that have been there for me when I’ve needed them I continue to hold close to me. I just tend to push people away when I get upset because I get angry naturally and want to deal with everything alone.

But anyways.

I finished my coffee at the park and walked over towards the playground. The park is big so I walked around for awhile and as I walked I noticed I had 2 shadows. The lighting from the lights were hitting me in a way where my darker shadow was right next to me and my lighter shadow was a couple feet behind. I took it as a sign that no matter where I go Joey will always be there as my shadow close behind.. I know it might sound silly but it’s helping me cope.. I listened to my music and just walked around in silence. It felt peaceful.

Moth I found outside on the ground
Moth I found outside on the ground

I got home and wanted to just talk to my mom since I felt so alone. I hate telling her anything about the situation because I know she’s always stressed but she knew something was wrong when I went into her room to say goodnight so I opened up..

There really wasn’t anything I could really say other then the fact I felt more alone then ever. Even though I have great friends and have had so many people be there for me lately I just feel such a distance from everyone.. I don’t want to replace Joey and I never will. I never really allow myself to cry in front of people or ever so when I do cry my mom knows it’s because I truly am in pain and it kills her to see that because she knows I’ve always been the stronger one growing up and she has always relied on me to be the man of the house and such.

Either way I’m still weak. It amazes me too how inconsiderate people are. Death really has a way of opening up the curtain of truth to you and showing you who actually gives a shit and who just really could care less..

On top of everything I at least have had meow meow keeping me company every night I’ve been home on the computer or reading.

Baby daughter!
Baby daughter!

I really couldn’t imagine life without meow meow right now. She’s been such an extremely loyal cat. I can take her outside and she’s like a dog. She won’t go anywhere she’ll just hang out and come in when she’s ready. Every other cat we’ve ever had either becomes an outside cat or runs away. I love her.

Today I’ve felt a little better glady. Saw a good friend of mine and went to the gym.

The film I’m putting together is still coming along and going well. It’s just extremely difficult writing a narration compared to a blog. As I write I allow my creativtity to flow to see what I can think of to put in the video but it’s coming along! It should be done by winter hopefully. Stay tuned ❤

PS: MALEFICENT was amazing!

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