Well, it’s officially been a month since you’ve been gone..

Saying goodbye one last time wasn’t easy but I know that after this, this is it. Reality has to calm down a little.. At least I hope it does.. I felt a little more at ease knowing that your sisters and everyone around have come to terms that you’re gone and are doing everything they can to hold up.. Your sisters did such an amazing job speaking for you. I know the moment the lights flickered in the room and the speakers buzzed, it was you. I’m not sure if anyone else caught onto that but I know it was you..

A ton of friends and your sisters all got together today and had lunch at tios tacos where everything was made out of trash. Ashley was explaining what it was at church and I couldn’t help but laugh at her and think she was going crazy but she was definitely right! It was like an amusement park of trash made into things. Clever place.

I miss you every day and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about you Joey.. It’s obvious that I’m not ok and I keep talking about it to people and posting about you in hopes that I’ll dig deep when speaking and just bring out how I really feel and see if there’s anything I’m hiding.. But everything I’ve been saying truly is how I feel.. So the more I dig the more I feel like I’m digging an endless hole with nothing to find at the bottom..

Reality feels like a video game because I’m trying to beat my feelings and get past these levels of uncertainty but the more I try and fail the angrier I get.. I’ve been having to wear the fakest mask just to get by every day. I’ve been lashing out at people and clinging to others as it leaves me feeling stupid because that isn’t me whatsoever.. Roaming from home to home in hopes that I’ll find the love and care you provided but I don’t see that happening for awhile..

I’m home now from California and since it was your birthday today I want you to know that my gift to you is to put together a short film and include you in the majority of it. I’ll make sure everyone in the world knows how much I love you and what great friends we were together. I’m going to apply all of my force to make this video huge and make you proud. I remember us talking about it on and off for 2 years and I’ve finally striked up the courage to do it and put a ton of my ideas into it along with some of the quotes I’ve written.

I won’t say goodbye again on here but know that I just went to Cali for you for the day and to be there for your sisters more than anything.

I wish I could of had a drink for you today but I was busy working and filming to put this all together for us. You have my loyalty and I’m pushing. I’m getting my life on track this year and striving to be someone. I’ll do it all with you and God in my heart knowing that he is permitting you to be there for me when I need you. I know you feel bad sometimes when I cry for you because I can feel your silent sadness come over me but I do it all because I miss you so don’t feel bad.

I won’t say goodbye again on here because today was YOUR day and I’ve already said goodbye. What I will say is happy birthday! You’re 22 in paradise. Know that I just went to Cali for you for the day and to be there for your sisters more then anything.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOEY.

Bonnie and Clyde you and I.

I love you

-Brian