To start everything off I’d just like to say thank you to everyone who came to Joey’s memorial. The memorial went well. I’m just shocked how many people claimed to have cared about him and didn’t show up. So, I’ve taken it upon myself to delete these people out of my life. It’s incredible how fake more than most people are and how careless and selfish they can prove to be. Death truly puts so much into perspective and you truly see people for the bullshiters that they really are, like wow.

Either way, I did MY part as a friend and arranged everything and put together my long ass speech that I know Joey would be proud of.. I’m so beyond thankful for the people who showed up because some people didn’t even know him and still came to show support and that was probably the most touching thing to me.. I know I did my part as a friend and that’s what matters most to ME.

After all of this I’m going to be making big decisions and really changing my life around and going to just live for myself and for my friend. I mean it when I say I lost my other half. After the memorial I feel more closure and know that it’s all over but it’s still hard coping with his loss.. I know it’s going to continue to be like this too because Joey and I weren’t exactly on regular speaking terms like we normally were since we had a little fall out back in February but we made mends and moved past it. I just wanted him to see the way he was acting and change it… I knew that if I set sail and went too far I’d always go back to him and if he set sail too far he would come back to me but this time he didn’t come back and it’s eating at me. I feel like I’m alone on a harbor waiting for him to return..

I know in about a month or so when I begin to feel lonely and misunderstood I’m going to miss him more and more because I’m going to feel out of place and have very few people that understand where I’m coming from.. He was able to disengage my mind and help sort it.. When he was alive even if I felt out of place with everyone and didn’t belong to any group of friends, I knew that I had someone already that understood me and that was him. I don’t like thinking like this but honestly it’s reality.. This sadness is going to continue to follow me for awhile.. Everything just happened so I’m still trying to cope with his loss..

I was doing ok the past 2 days just trying to get through everything but yesterday everything seemed to have just taken another hit at me.. I’m noticing that I’m trying to build my defense and walls up again by being able to do the things Joey and I used to do but without me having to feel depressed because of the fact he’s gone but that isn’t working to well.. I’ll feel my barrier building and then feel one great big punch just smash everything down again and I’m really not used to feeling that.. I begin to remember happy moments and think of who I was with during those happy times and almost all of them are with Joey.. I’ve never been so sad and confused in my whole life. If I’m not taking pain killers; I’m drinking.. I’m not trying to get attention by saying or doing that but I’m just going to be honest, this is way too hard on me and being sober just makes me think more then I would like to. I’m not exactly trying to drown my feelings down or make myself feel worse but I don’t need my mind overthinking.. I’m not sure exactly how to cope with my feelings at the moment but all I can do is talk about them and hope that it helps me realize more so I can move on..

I’ve always kept my feelings under control and so many events are coming up this year that are making them spiral out of control. Just when I think I’m getting a grip of them something happens and they scatter again.. I’m someone who truly has way too much on their mind. I’m a very deep thinker and a simple phrase or doing will make my mind plunge into depth and find meaning to add to my list of life lessons. The only bad thing about that right now is my mind is taking a turn for negative because of how sad I am.. I can hide it so well around people because I’m naturally a happy person and very optimistic but I fall apart when I’m alone and can’t seem to contain myself..

I miss Joey so much and the fact we weren’t exactly talking the past 2 months as much as we normally did hurts like hell because I forever will have to remember him that way.. I wrote my speech about him because I wanted everyone to understand who he was and know about the things we did together.. At the same time I needed to truly dig deep within my heart to find the right words to say about him and I needed the speech to completely hurt me in order for me to rebuild from the very bottom; I needed to feel ground.. If the speech I wrote didn’t hurt me just enough I know that I wouldn’t feel ok and I wouldn’t move on from this peacefully  and I wouldn’t get the proper closure. The memorial helped but my defense is still so low and I feel so vulnerable..

Joey reminded me of my middle school/high school best friend Yvonne. She and I connected on a spiritual level and had EVERYTHING in common. I still talk to her but we’re not as close as the school days. Still love her to death though. Joey and I connected on a more every day living level and some spiritual level. He was my other half.

I remember I would always explain to him energy and how it worked in crowds of people or when you’re just talking to one person. It used to fascinate him so much because I would explain to him energy exchange and how to feel someones energy out. He would tell me how he would talk to his friends about it and give them the run down from what I said. I used to read books on energy in high school so when I meet people now I can automatically tell you who I won’t like and who I will like within the first 10 minutes of talking and feeling them out. I’m able to see behind barriers it’s just a matter of who I’m willing to be patient with and who I’m not and let me just say almost every time I just don’t even bother to further anything with most. Makes me feel out of place because most people I run across are focused on money, material and themselves and it’s just disgusting.. They’re just a surface with no depth. I need people in my life that are spiritual AND driven in order for me to really enjoy them.

There’s going to be tons of situations that remind me of him constantly and loneliness comes in waves but sometimes it likes to sneak in and dwell within. I’ll have to learn to do and find things to keep me occupied and grow to be more of my own best friend when I feel misunderstood like I grew up doing. I’ll keep all my good friends close though. I’m extremely thankful for everyone who has taken the time to visit me through all of this and be there for me.. It’s more then I could ever ask for because I just need friends around right now. I’m not exactly liking being home but I need to be home in order to jot down every thought I’m having and let my feelings flow. I have to embrace that lonely feeling and try to combat it somehow. I don’t have anywhere I can bury myself anymore so I’m surfacing and the more my feelings continue to rise the more I begin to see everything I had buried within Joey.. I’m very very confident but I still feel this boy within me that’s scared and that’s why I mention constantly how I buried myself in him.. I buried any fear in him and he took care of it..

Moving on…

After the memorial a group of us went to the stratosphere to eat chicken wings and sliders. Joey always talked about this bar at the stratosphere that had amazing chicken wings and he wasn’t lying. The wings were pretty good, just spicy.. He knows I never liked spicy food; fills me up too quick. I like to eat my food without worrying about my mouth burning. You have to take an elevator up to the top of the stratosphere; the bar is upstairs called 107. It’s actually a restaurant as well. The restaurant area rotates so you’re able to see everyone dining as they rotate around. Just like Top of Vancouver the restaurant that rotates in Vancouver Canada.

The night was good and I’m happy so many close friends were able to make it. I knew it wasn’t a time to really be laughing and such but I was just so happy to see everyone I haven’t seen in so so long.

With everything that has happened these past 2 weeks I have honestly just needed to get away..

So Tuesday I went to Zion with a friend. I haven’t been to Zion since I was about 8 and it was just completely beautiful.. The view there is something straight out of a movie. The drive was very beautiful but also very terrible! The roads were slanted and felt like I was on a fucking roller coaster. It made me so nervous because I kept wanting to look at everything but I kept swerving! Tons of people were getting pulled over for speeding and it was making me nervous so I was just trying to drive speed limit the entire way there. There were so many farms and so many animals that it looked like you were driving past a zoo. The houses looked like doll houses and the towns were creepily beautiful. You could tell at night it’s scary because some towns didn’t have light posts just these doll like looking houses. None the less it was all things I have never seen in person just always something I saw in movies.

We arrived at Zion around noon and started hiking at 1pm because having to find parking was a pain in the ass. If you do go up there make sure you leave really really early so that you can find parking and don’t have to deal with traffic and construction.

It was beyond peaceful to be outdoors and just be in silence. Everyone was so nice and if they overheard your conversation they’d chime in and say something and it wasn’t in a bad way or anything just a great way to start conversation and bounce back ideas and experiences which was really different. I’m not sure if it’s because most of em were mormon or just really nice. I don’t believe in strangers I like talking to just about anyone who’s friendly.

Being up as high as we went and seeing all the different views of the mountain was just breath taking. It’s something that you definitely have to experience to understand. The pictures are beautiful but being there in person surrounded by nature and its entireness just does something. I felt very grounded and in tune with everything around me. I felt as if I should be thanking something or someone; nature or God just for the experience and for allowing me to see what all is out there in the world.

I want to definitely keep going back until I have visited every part of Zion so I might make it a point this year to do just that. Zion is rated one of the top best national parks you could visit in the US so I want to see what all it has to offer.

My friend and I were there until about 4:30-5 and then we headed home. The drive back seemed a hell of allot more shorter than the drive there.. Odd

I’m glad I was able to go and see the park again since I haven’t been in years. It was a great get away after everything that has happened. Death has a way of making you appreciate what you do have right now. The experiences you get to go through, the people you meet and get to see, the views this world has to offer. It makes you feel privilged since the dead can’t touch any of it. I understand now why people say make the most out of life and don’t take anything for granted. All of these sayings that people have once said to me are now finally making sense and I’m understanding it all.

You can tell someone something and explain to them from start to finish what it means and why it might mean what it does but you have to overall experience and go through something in order to make your own judgement or to fully understand what some sayings might mean. My mind is powering through all of these sayings and meanings I’ve once heard and seeing so many visions. Everything keeps coming in fragments and weighing in on my mind. I don’t mind it but this is what I mean by this situation being heavy on me. I can handle allot, more than allot but right now I’m feeling a ton of pressure and just trying to not break… I’ll be ok eventually though.. I can endure.. I just hope this doesn’t do any serious damage to my mind..

Quote of the Day

“Severely distressing events can cause psychological trauma. This can put someone in a state of confusion and insecurity depending on the damage done to ones mind. Not all traumatic events will affect someones mind for long or at all but if it does it can take years to get past.. Trauma can cause an individual to avoid certain things, feelings, reminders of what damaged that person and change them making them grow into a different person having some negative aspects.. Your mind is a war zone that’s why it’s good to be completely aware of what’s going on and how everything is taking place in it because you really just don’t know if your mind has been dented until it’s too late.. You are responsible for yourself and have to take care of yourself and make sure you are fine but emotional support from others can help you overcome certain traumas so don’t be afraid to ask for help..”