This is the first yearly review I’ve written that I have no idea how to really start because 2014 was not really a good year for me at all. Obviously there was some good that definitely came out from this year but it seems like more bad happened than good so it’s very bittersweet…To start off the people I met in the beginning of the year were all very futile. It seemed hard this year to establish any solid friendships or relationships with people. Something that comes easy to me seemed hard. I kept running into pointless problems and I think allot of it came from going out. I’ll just go down a list with this post and break everything down to how the year kind of went.
My birthday in January was great because an overwhelming amount of people showed up and it made me sooooo happy to see that many people come and be there for me. It was beautiful. No matter how shitty this year might of been, the overwhelming amount of support and friendship I have with the people who do care about me, is amazing. I truly have some of the bestest friends anyone could ask for. Very loyal people.
February was trash. Nothing really thrilling about that month.
I lost my friend Matty’s mom Laurie in March who I was close to and really cared for who took me in when I left home when I was 18 because of family problems I was having. That was hard for me because even though I didn’t talk to her all the time the times I did she always told me how great I looked and we would always have personal talks about life and relationships and that’s something that I really took and held dear to me because some of the things she and I talked about she didn’t really talk with many people. Almost every weekend morning I would go in her room and hang out and watch TV and smoke a cigarette with her (when I used to smoke) and just chill. When I would leave their house I would always thank her for having me and for always providing an escape from home. My mind wasn’t very strong in high school and I buried so much of my emotions in alcohol and partying because of the problems at home and Laurie always provided that escape as I’ve stated in the blog I wrote about her.
The month following after all of that happened I lost Joey…. That really fucked me up I’m not gonna lie. I’ve learned to deal with him being gone now because time has helped me heal but every single time I drink if I even begin to think about him or talk about him being gone I immediately get thrown into a bad depression that’s hard to bounce back from every time. I haven’t really talked about how I’ve been coping with him being gone so I guess I can say that I wasn’t exactly dealing with it well. No one really knew but I was making some really really bad decisions during this period of time. I’ve had an amazing and outstanding support system of friends around me to help me but as far as physicality went I felt very neglected and the people I would like I felt didn’t really like me the same in return or I just didn’t want to pursue things with because I didn’t feel they could be compatible with me or something silly. Either way I’ve made some bad decisions and all I can say now is that depending on what you do in life and the severity of it there will always be a price to pay. Those who think they won’t get “caught” or think that what they’re doing is fine are the ones who pay for everything down the road or through a small situation that might get blown up to be a huge deal. Whatever the case may be always remember that everything comes with a price to pay.
Losing Joey was like losing a brother. Yes I still miss him yes I feel lonely because he’s not here anymore etc. But with so much going on with me I’ve realized I need to snap out of it and worry about myself because of everything going on with me now days. I still keep in touch with his sisters and check on them to see how they’re doing with everything. I still have to go out there to visit his grave and talk to him..
The day after his memorial I went up to Zion with a friend of mine because I haven’t been up there in weeks and it was beautiful. It definitely wasn’t how I remembered it.
I did my first Tough Mudder with my kick boxing class!!!! The toughest event I’ve ever done in my life! It was so much fun though. Kick boxing helped allot with my feelings and locked up feelings in my head. Tough Mudder was just a blast because I did it to prove to myself I could do it. It was intimidating because yes I am very skinny and I’m not sure how much my body can handle but I have noticed that I’m a hell of allot fuckin tougher then I thought. By mile 7 my leg was shot and I couldn’t run anymore just walk and I kept having to stop and sit down because my leg was hurting so bad from the side to where I couldn’t bend it anymore so I started limping. People kept asking me if I was ok but I was. I was ok enough to finish and luckily I had my good friend June with me to help walk with me to the finish line. I almost just quit and said fuck it I’m cutting across and ending this but I wanted to prove to myself I could finish and that I was ok. It was so cold that my body was locking up and making it way more harder on my legs since my body started to retain as much heat as possible. I mean it was raining AND it was windy and cold! It fucking sucked but whatever I did it and finished! I run through those fucking electric wires at the end and got my beer at the finish line.
I went to California with my friend Dana who I no longer speak with because of personal decisions I didn’t agree with but I got to see my friend Matt! I needed an escape so I went to Pride in California and was out there for a good 4 days just visiting friends and family. I got away from everything in Vegas which helped allot but the thing with pain that most people don’t really understand is that pain can’t be buried or drank away, it has to literally run it course until it all heals slowly. It literally works like a wound, however you take care of it will determine how it heals. So my pain all came back and that’s when I realized and understood the way my head works.
I realized that I’m as happy of a person as I am because I don’t handle depression well and it’s really hard for my mind to sort it out because of how apparent it can be. When I’m upset it shows, there’s no hiding it. I either talk about it or flat out say how I’m feeling. I’ve learned to sort everything this year and manage to get my mind to just organize problems and put them away instead of trying to bury them and dealing with the same issue again later down the road. Figuring out how to handle my emotions this year has definitely helped me control allot going on with me.
July and August were pretty quite. I got sick with bronchitis in July and I’ve never had bronchitis so I was sick for the entire month really, it was so retarded. Didn’t wanna do shit.
August was good bonding time with my mother and I. We went to go eat at Craftsteak in the MGM which is an incredible restaurant. Probably the best restaurant I’ve ever been to. Every plate they brought out to us was nothing but stunning soooo good.
Lisa and Brandon 2 of my very good friends who I pretty much consider mom and dad got married!
I was so stoked about this because the chemistry Lisa and Brandon have is one like no other. The way they interact is perfect because they’re on the same level of humor and understanding. They get each other and you can just tell by the way they kiss and hold each other that they really do love and care about each other. There’s NEVER any drama between them and that is indeed a very healthy sign and very healthy relationship.
Was one of the most stressful months ever. I was thriving off of xanax and pain killers because of how bad this month was. Bad news all around and more set backs for me in life which really fucking sucked… But none the less I was able to sort everything out within 2 weeks in my mind. I’ll always be reminded of this problem that set me back but I’m able to get through it all and continue to work on my life.
I’ve met someone very special…
He doesn’t live in Vegas but Florida… Yes I know that’s lame and yes I know how most people feel about long distance relationships and situations along the same lines. He and I are in the beginning stages of getting to know each other and everything is just cute right now because we haven’t met but I couldn’t imagine feeling any different when we meet. Another thing, there’s no way in fuck I’ll ever be with someone that lives in Vegas. I’ve seen the type of guy Vegas has to offer and I’m so not into it. I don’t need a relationship here because I’m dealing with allot in life and want to start school. If I’m in a relationship with someone that lives in the same town as me and I’m not happy where I’m at in life then I’ll feel pressured to be in the relationship and won’t put any effort into making anything work out. Long distance is just good for me right now.
What I like about him is that he makes time for me no matter how tired he is or whatever time it is. He’ll set an alarm to talk to me if he falls asleep and knows I’m going to be home at a certain time. That to me is someone who truly likes me and puts effort into me. That’s what I’ve always told everyone; Someone who cares and wants to work things out with you, will always make time no matter how busy they are.
So, for my birthday months ago I had planned to go on a cruise and the cruise would leave out of Florida and this boy just so happens to live near Orlando so he and I decided to just go on the cruise together. Why not right? We have a balcony room and my friend George is coming along too! I’ll explain all cruise details when I get back from it so I can explain where the cruise leaves out of and all of that. Let’s just say that I’m more then excited to meet this boy and see what happens.
November also so happened to be the same month my childhood friend Michael died in a car crash…
Losing Michael was tough. His family has been a part of our family since I was about 8 years old. His sisters would babysit me and my little brother. I was closer to his sisters since I was around their age and my brother was closer to Michael but none the less we all hung out all the time and played video games and such. I know it really affected my brother because they hung out all the time and even before Michael had passed he had hung out with him the night before. They even went partying for Halloween. So I know its affected my brother allot. It hasn’t been easy but I know God does everything for a reason.
Christmas wasn’t too crazy this year. Some family members came out from California to hang out for the day and see everyone and I got to see my Niece and Nephew who I’ve missed like crazy, especially Alexis since I almost never see her.. Alexis has gotten so big and so smart. She was cracking me up with some of the stuff she would say because she’s soooo witty lol. We all went to town square and took photos and just walked around.
Briefly that is everything that I marked as important dates in my calendar. Things that really meant something to me. I’m not the type to be negative so I won’t say that this year completely sucked because there is good that came out of it. I would say I was challenged this year more than anything and I still managed to stay above water. I realize that I’m a very strong person and I handle all my problems very well. I’m responsible and have finally realized all of this from this year. With every bad event that occurred I took the lesson from it and managed to move on well from the situations. I fought through everything and prepared myself for the next year.
I have absolutely no new year resolutions because when I make plans like that I don’t follow through or I forget them. I’m just continuing to aim big with my life and see what the next year has to bring. There is no new me for the new year bullshit because I’m fine and I don’t have much to change and if I do then it’ll happen because I realize what it is I need to change. I did allot of fast changes this year and have realized so much about people and continue to grow mentally.
I have no expectations for next year I just want to be happy. That’s all.
I want to be with someone, I want to travel, I want to spend more time with family and I want to be happy more then anything..
Happy New Year everyone and I wish you all the best. For those who comforted me this year thank you. For those who are still in my life thank you. Thank you everyone for being apart of my life and I am so so grateful to be a part of yours, you all know who you are. I love you with all my heart and I will continue to love you and keep you all close. I’ll be here to defend you and make sure I can make you all happy. Can’t wait to see what next year has to offer, I’m just hoping it’s good!
Love you guys