It’s been a week my best friend died and I’m still in shock about it all.. I’ve cried every day and drank every day. I’ve been drinking responsibly and using it to just let my emotions out because for once I don’t want to be strong. When I’m sober I’m strong and focus well but when I’m having a hard time expressing the way I feel I resort to alcohol just to help the emotions flow a little better. I don’t like to rely on any substances because I like to be healthy for the most part but this is the one moment in my life that I’m going to choose to use alcohol as a way to help my emotions out here.. I’m trying to mourn and deal with this but I’m also having to deal with so many people saying terrible and vile things.. So I’m having to fight and cry and just feel so tormented..

I’ve always believed that when you die you leave this world and that’s it, you’re taken where you need to go… But, I woke up Saturday morning and called one of the guys that is helping put together the memorial and as I was on the phone with him I walked out to the living room to find the back sliding door open. At first I thought my brother had gone outside and let Meow Meow out because normally when the back sliding door is open its because she’s outside. I closed the door and finished up my conversation with him and then went to my brothers room and asked him why he left the back door open, he said he didn’t leave it open.. He said he had only been in the kitchen once and didn’t go back other than that. I called my mom and left her a voicemail telling her to call me so she called me back 25 min later and I asked her why she left the back sliding door open and she said she didn’t she said she opened the curtain but not the door… I then realized that it was Joey who came to visit and let me know he’s still around..

And then I remember all the stories my mom would tell me about when her friends would pass how they would do something to show her they’re around.

Growing up we had a neighbor who’s name was Sarah. She knew my step dad was abusive and rude so she would always bring my sister and I snacks if she saw us outside or she would invite us over. She was very sweet. She was old and she ended up dying and a couple of days later my mom told me she woke up in the middle of the night to the front door being open. She said she knew it was Sarah visiting. When she told me this story as I got older I didn’t really believe her. I’m a strong believer in christ and the paranormal but I just thought it could of been multiple things like the wind. But now that I’ve actually witnessed it, it has definitely sparked my curiosity as to why the spirits of people might do that and if the other side allows them to do that as a way to say they’re around or as a way of saying goodbye or something. The spirit world has rules just like earth does.

I think maybe Joey knows that I’m really sad and came to remind me he’s around?

I’ve felt so alone ever since he died.. Beyond lonely.. I wake up and open my blinds and just stare outside on the edge of my bed not sure exactly what I’m waiting to see and just wondering what’s going on. I walk out to the living room and hope to see the sliding door open again.. When I drive I look in my rearview mirror in hopes to see his silhouette in my back seat.. When I walk and stare into a far distance, I hope to see just a glimpse of him. When I open my closet door I stare into the living room from my room in hopes that he’ll run by or surprise me.. And that’s when it all hits me that I won’t be seeing him again..

I’ve barely been sleeping and have barely been home. I’ve never dealt with such a heartbreaking depression in my whole life, not even from the relationships I’ve been in. I’ve always been really tough, the strong one and have always  kept my head above water but this is something I have never had happen to me.. It’s a pain that just keeps twisting and at any given moment I start crying.. It’s awful.. I’m always so happy and cheerful and trying to inspire happiness in everyone around me.. I’m having difficulties wondering when I’ll learn to cope with his loss.. I’ve got an idea on how to start to slowly help myself but it’s going to take some time.. Allot of time.. I just think this is my break to just let everything I feel hit me and let my emotions flow freely..

I just want to thank everyone who has been so supportive and has reached out to me to see how I’m doing with everything.. I apologize for not responding to everyone but I read everything and greatly appreciate all of the love and support.. This is all just so new to me and it’s really rocking me so I’m trying to just hold it together and take it all in doses..

I’ll be posting more later on once I piece everything together more..

I love you all, thank you..