I’m so emotionally and physically exhausted..

March 3rd was Laurie’s awakening and Today March 4th was her burial.. All I have to say is that I’m so proud of my friend Matty for putting everything together the way he did.. He did an amazing job working on everything. I feel honored to have known his amazing mother who homed so many lost souls such as myself.

The day of her wake I forgot the speech I had written up for her but luckily I remembered allot of it and managed to compose all of my words together the best I could when I gave my speech. Everyone was very shaken by everything but I really wanted everyone to talk and recall memories they had of her.. So I grabbed the lady that worked at the mortuary and asked her if we could turn down the music so we could say our goodbyes.. I took initiative and took the floor first so everyone could get their words together and so everyone could understand what she meant to me. Here is what I originally wrote up for her.

Laurie,

Laurie, was not just a mother she was a best friend to almost everyone she came into contact with. Anyone who came over to the house met her and she became the good friend to everyone. I was over almost every single weekend and sometimes through out the week. This family became mine. Mom, Matty, Tina, Catlin, and even the cats. I surrounded myself around these people who were so accepting and so loving towards me. In their eyes I’m sure they saw it as me coming over to hang out and have fun but to me it meant breaking away from a place with no joy and into a home that provided endless joy and fun. Like a child running to an abandoned circus where there’s no one but the acts hanging out and putting shows on for each other. We were all such characters when we got together..

Sometimes in life our hearts yearn for the love of someone else. The heart is the ultimate lover and betrayer. Jeremiah 17:9 “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” Plenty of us will go wherever we’re loved and feel cared for, like a dog without a home. In a sense, this is how I felt.. Laurie showed me what “home is what you make it” really meant.. Home life wasn’t easy at all through out these times as a teenager and my escape was the home Laurie opened up for me. She took me in the first time I ever left home when I was 18 and even allowed me to bring my cat over for the time being which almost no one would do.. I remember waking up some mornings and going to the room to find her smoking so I’d join her on her bed, smoke a cigarette and watch TV with her and laugh about certain things and talk to her about relationships. She was very private and the things we discussed always stayed between us. We had so much in common, on views, relationships and our judgment of character. She was always looking for love, no matter what tough impression she put off she was a very strong lover at heart.. Other mornings I would wake up to go downstairs to find a huge stack of pancakes on the counter with eggs and bacon.. Those were the good times but Laurie was always in pain and there were those mornings you couldn’t escape the sound of her screams because of how much she was hurting. It would be bad enough to where she couldn’t go to work or walk and had to be helped around the house.. I know that where she is now is a place where physical pain does not exist so I’m sure we all know she is in a much better place..

Matty and Tina, you need to understand she loved you both so much and seriously just wanted the best for you guys. Her actions said it all because of how strong and visible her love was. You 2 were her life so as her life may be over, let the love she had for you guys encompass your heart to help make you strong and remind you she’ll always be with you. Don’t blame yourself for anything you might of done to disappoint her because she loved you both and just wanted you guys to be happy and well off. We all make mistakes so if you feel any resentment just let it go and let her love fill you and consume you as if she were still here. This won’t be easy to get past and you won’t get over the fact she’s gone but you’ll learn to cope with everything in your own unique way. Being an adult is going to kick in full force now so allow yourself some space to grow and don’t strain it.

Something we all need to understand is that, death is somewhere we are all headed so it’s nothing to fear because our time will come when it’s time to go but we all have to make the absolute most out of this life and remain happy and healthy and be physically and spiritually fit for god. Life is too short to wonder what’s going to happen when we go and life is too short to be making bad choices or regretting what we could and couldn’t have done. Everything happens in a sequence of ways where you will learn whatever lesson it is you need to learn whether it’s the easy way or the hard way. It’s up to you to put the puzzle of mistakes and lessons together and see what you get. The mentality we should stick to is what can we do right now to help ourselves and our situations in order to live a more prosperous and joyous life. 

I will never forget how great Laurie was to me and I will hold that close to me until the day I die because she invoked a happiness within me when she opened her doors for me and showed me what all is out there.. So this isn’t a goodbye but a see you later and the biggest thank you…

I knew going into this situation that I was going to have to be the stronger one for everyone. Funerals are something I don’t exactly know how to cope with because I mourn alone and quietly.. It’s hard for me to cry in front of people or show emotion… I’ve always been this way for some strange reason and have expressed this in previous posts more thoroughly. I guess it’s just in my Capricorn nature…

I just really wanted to be there for Matty and Tina since they were taking it really hard.. Matt especially.. Seeing him cry the way he did really took a blow at me because it made me feel what he was feeling and it was scary and extremely depressing at the same time. He’s been a best friend of mine for a good 7 years now so I knew I had to be there for him for both days. It’s the loyalty I have for he and his family and he needed all the support he could get.

I know I come off as tough and emotionless but I feel more then the average person and have a heart bigger then this city. I’m just an endless puzzle you have to put together in order to get results. Sometimes I break my own head trying to figure myself out. But being with the boys again really made me think clear and feel proud of who I am because I know by the speech I gave and by being there for everyone Laurie would of truly appreciated it if she could see it.. It made me see more of my character and the passion I have to care for other people..

I’ll be praying for the entire family and hoping they make it out of this in one piece..

RIP Laurie

Quote of the Day

“The heart is ultimately what feels everything. It’s hard to tell sometimes if what it’s feeling is true or false but when losing someone whether they die, you break up or simply part ways, the heart feels it all and the damage done can really change you.. Guard it with a shield of fire and loyalty and only give it away to those who truly deserve that love because the day you lose them regardless of the situation, its true nature of care and love will surface depending on its growth and strength revealing your true character of self… Wasted love strains and taints the heart confusing it so you want to keep it as pure as possible. Cherish and love the ones you care for deeply with no fear and always know that to every tear down, there’s a rebuild..”