Cat Power – Sea of Love
Before i get started i just want to inform everyone that this is a very vulnerable side of me and i don’t talk too much on feelings so i hope everything makes sense and everyone understands..
Ever since my niece was born and we found out she had blue eyes and blonde hair i knew she was going to be very misunderstood when she got older in the family, kind of how i was.The rest of the family is so different and only 2 others in our family are blonde hair and blue eyes.
2 years ago i could of told you i never wanted kids or ever wanting to watch them or wanting anything to do with them.I’ve always been jaded toward them because i thought they were annoying and what not, typical young person thing to say.This little girl has changed my life completely ever since i started taking care of her.
about a year ago shit went down at home and i had to take care of my sisters 5 year old boy and 1 year old girl
It was seriously like being in jail, i never went anywhere for months on end just took care of kids from baby sitters to the store to putting them to bed, feeding them etc..I was living the life of a single dad with 2 kids haha i also had to make sure my brother was doing good in school as well since my mom works night hours but he always helped with the 5 year old since it was the easiest since he understood.It was such a responsibility making sure they never got sick and making sure they were well that it sometimes became unbearable to deal with.I never imagined i’d be in such a situation but my greatest ideas always came to mind at night so it was convenient in some way at least.
in the meantime of taking care of them i began bonding with my niece allot.seeing how kids react over certain things, i never really let her cry, I automatically knew what she was whining and crying about so it was easier for me to cope and deal with everything, i was better at taking care of her than my sister was.To top it off she was excellent at understanding when it was time to eat shower or go to bed.I fealt as if she were mine because of the connection, it was like she understood what i meant more than the 5 year old did.From there forward i let my guard down, let my beliefs about ever wanting kids down and just stepped into this whole thing with an open clear state of mind.Theres nothing i could of done to change my situation so the least i could of done was change the way i thought and make myself change for the better.She seriously became a big part of my life from that time forward.
She taught me how to be responsible, caring, loving, genuine about what i do, HOW TO HAVE SELF-FUCKING-CONTROL how to discipline correctly (not in the abusive manner, I’ve never been abusive to kids) and how to overall just care for a child and not talk down about them, so in other words, How to be a man.I’ve always been the type to just not give a fuck and do what i want and not care but i’m a strong believer that everything happens for a reason and some of us have to grow up differently.I’m much more sincere about everything now because of her.I don’t like to believe that people or anything can change me because i should always know my faults and change them since i know myself more than anyone but sometimes you’re so stubborn that you believe you’re right and not wrong until you have someone else step in your life and this was that case.I accept change though, i don’t fight it because i know that the way I’m changing is for the better.I’m ALLOT more friendlier and loving now than i’ve ever been.I love this girl as if she were my own, seriously and once we move out i don’t know how it’s going to be like not seeing her around stealing my stuff and running all through out the house trying to hand me my phone being a diva, it’s hard enough thinking about it.I’m not one to open up about these kind of things because like allot of other things, I take it personal and don’t want anyone saying anything bad so i keep it all to myself.I don’t like to feel like i’m exposing myself to vicious remarks and cruelty of any sort.I’m not what anyone would expect and i think this blog goes to prove it.
This was just something i fealt i thought i should share so people can understand why i got this done.
Everything back at home is semi-back to normal but life isn’t perfect so i’m not complaining just glad it’s not as horrible as before, i’m doing allot better now than i’ve ever been in the past 3 years and plan to move out possibly by next year or the year after who knows where life will take me in the next 2 years.
-I’m always changing now and she helped me change in ways i didn’t ever imagine changing in.-
The sayings true, big things come in small packages.
Who would of thought a child of ALL things would change ME? that’s a big step for myself because i actually let my guard down for the entire change process.
So with all this being said i hope I’ve reached out to everyone out there that refuses to ever want kids, to just give them a chance and see what happens by just a couple times of baby sitting.Don’t get me wrong there are a pack of bad ass little kids out there but only because their parents don’t know how to teach manners and let them do what they want.My niece and nephew were hell on wheels as well until i put my foot down and stepped in the picture, so i can understand people having wild childs.
I’m not encouraging anyone to have sex or to start having kids at an early age or with someone you “think” you’ll be together forever with if the relationships shit.I just hope everyone is allot more open to the kid subject than most.
Having a child is something extremely sacred just like sex and everyone thinks it’s fine to spread legs for the whole world to see what you’ve got and to pop kids out like a fucking vending machine.I just think it’s unethical behavior to gloat about being pregnant and not knowing who the dad is or already planning child support because the bf or dad is a piece of shit.How could you even live your life in peace like that? if you’re horny use a condom or stay on top of your fucking birth control that’s as simple as it gets, really.
My niece helped me understand all of this and that’s why everything I wrote here today is from personal experience I’ve been through.
PS:I’ll be updating this blog more to post videos and more pictures from time to time
Quote Of The Day
“If you expand your mind and stop listening to others opinions on things and focus on your own you’ll realize how you can make life a great experience and a place with no limits.”