Last year exactly around this time I was sitting on the couch watching disney movies such as the sword in the stone cinderella and peter pan as well as playing pokemon and drinking tangerine tea.I would wait up until 3-4am all cozy, waiting for my mom to get back home from work to talk to her about everything such as you know christmas shopping or life or how work was and what I have planned for next year and so on..I think the most important part of living together with everyone was the fact it was a family together.
This year it’s my mom brother and I, it just feels so different..It feels like there’s a void waiting to be filled but isn’t going to happen..I know me and my sister don’t get along but her and her kids are family regardless of all the bullshit that has gone on..Everything is just so different to last year, idk why I feel so sad about everything but I do.This Christmas just doesn’t feel like it’s going to be the same.Everyone is making their lives and making things happen and that’s great, Christmas is a time to be with family regardless I just don’t really feel this ones going to be like all the others. I know I sometimes could care less about allot of things and come off to be really jaded but I have a big heart and there are some things I miss growing up and everything being how it was.
I don’t regret anything and I know this is a step to growing up and learning to get used to everyone doing their own thing and having to stick to just 2 other family members for the holidays which is fine it just sort of hurts to be separated around this time of year and I’m sure plenty agree I don’t know maybe I’m just being a big baby, I just get sad easily sometimes, you know when you just get a flash back of a memory and it continues and then you listen to a certain song you were listening to a year or 2 ago and go back to that time or just remember how things were and realize how different and lonely everything might look..I guess you could say that’s what’s going on right now
I realize I’ve kept in too much this year and it’s all slowly but surely unraveling, I have a good way with not showing it but I can feel it. I feel more confused and regretful about my actions as of lately, angry and irritated with myself and how much around me has shook me up, not sure what direction to steer in my life right now, I have an idea but I’m struggling trying to get there.I might just start giving up allot to just isolate like always tend to do and just think and see where to go and where to start..
I feel so stressed with myself my actions my wants and my dislikes.It bugs me because I’m so certain about everything but for once I just feel a bit lost, not completely I just need to think and get my feet back on the ground.Ever since I’ve moved into my new location I’ve gone out to try and cover up how I’ve really fealt and it’s just all hitting me at once and I’m not sure how to feel about it all but I’m getting through it step at a time, just need to think..
I’m not sure how the end of this year will turn out but hopefully it’s good and I figure out what I want next year and how I’ll come to terms with my actions, career and faith most importantly.
Quote Of The Day
“Whenever you feel sad and downer than ever, smile and laugh about something to make it all easier..”