Multi-Level Love

Hanging out with my baby Ephemera <3
Hanging out with my baby Ephemera ❤

So my roommate was out of town for 2 weeks and I was super bored since I was the only one in the house. It was different to have the house all to myself again. I don’t mind being alone, I enjoy the quite because it helps me talk to myself and become aligned with myself and make sure my mental stability is still firm.

SO to begin all of this, my little Alexis graduated from Kindergarten to the first grade! So so proud of her. This little girl is seriously so smart and so lively. She is way active for her age and pays attention to everything around her. Her energy is amazing and she is definitely a powerhouse. I love her with all my being. All those nights I would go to my moms house to help her do her homework really payed off. She’s my little star and I want to make sure she’s destined for the spotlight because she definitely shines from the outside and in my heart.

Things have just been going really well these past couple of weeks. As some of you know I went to California for a quick trip before my roommate left out of town to go visit friends and family for 3 days and went to the beach since I’ve been wanting to go for like, months. I definitely needed to get out of town and just go enjoy myself so I did. I visited some of my favorite restaurants and some of the clubs out there, almost got into a fight and definitely drank allot lol.

I brought over my niece and nephew to go swimming last Tuesday since they don’t get out much and it was great to see them!

I took them swimming then made them dinner and when my mom came to pick them up we went to the club house to watch a movie in the mini theater room we have at my complex. They were sooooo happy and so excited to be over. When I was cooking Alexis came to the kitchen and says “uncle Brian I want the table to look really really nice” so I said ok and set the table very nicely for us to eat. They HATED the olive oil and vinaigrette bread dip though. Their faces were hilarious when they took the first bite. They both chugged their juice like they had ate a jalapeno and it was hysterical to watch to say the least lol.

Something else big that happened was the fact I shot for Q Vegas a gay magazine here in Vegas. I did the photos for a DJ out here by the name of DJ Lisa Pittman who I worked with years ago when I was still doing the So Crush events. Shooting for cover was major for me because I’ve never shot for a magazine and I didn’t know what to expect or anything but I feel I did a great job. I’m just really happy that my photography is going in a really really good direction. I couldn’t have hoped for anything better. I know now that this is definitely the direction I need to take with my life. With how quickly things are moving I can very well be somewhere big with it in 3 years. By the time I’m 27 I want to already be doing something huge with it. Like I’ve stated before, I want to work with something like National Geographic or something else along those lines where I can travel and go places to take photos all sorts of different animals and locations. I like the outdoors and I like hiking and exploring so I feel it would be a perfect fit.

Q-Vegas June 2015 https://gay.vegas/qvegas/issue/the-hashtag-issue
Q-Vegas June 2015
https://gay.vegas/qvegas/issue/the-hashtag-issue

Lately I’ve felt a little out of touch with some things. I feel fine most days but there’s certain days I question why I’ve been single for so long or why I confuse myself or feel unsure about other and so on.

The whole thing about Joey gets to me on some rainy days. When I have certain talks about him or I’m feeling out of place I feel it becomes more apparent where my emotions stand.

I just notice everyone has a certain group they hang out with and I don’t really have that and I’ve said it before but it just becomes more apparent when I get lonely. I only really hung out with Joey and either hung out with my friends or I’d hang with him and his friends when we would go out. So I just kind of feel a bit out of place.

I feel like I’m a very intuitive person and sometimes life will push me to talk to certain people for whatever reason. It’s hard to explain. Like, it feels almost like someone from the other side is pushing me to talk to someone I might know or be close to or really care about. So I feel like people from the other side push me to talk to the ones they care for for whatever reason. Like when Joey passed away I promised I wouldn’t abandon his sisters and till this day there’s times I’ll text Tawnee out of the blue and let her know I love her or see what she’s doing so we can talk and all that.

I recently went to lunch with my chiropractor Teddy who lost his husband Dean about 2 years ago.. Teddy and I were supposed to go to lunch when my roommate Jorge went out of town about 2 months ago but things fell through because of our schedules so we didn’t go. His 2 years of losing his husband just passed and I just kept getting a strong pull from him like I could tell he was bothered by the thought of it so I wanted to just talk to him to see how he’s coping with everything. As a friend I wanted to see how he was doing because I felt like lately he has definitely needed the “Dean talk” to see how Teddy is dealing with it all at this moment.

I know Teddy has a hard time dealing with his loss like any human being would. I don’t want to say much out of respect because it’s not my story to tell and I hope one day he’ll open up and hopefully blog about his story so that people could really learn from him and see how everything affected him and how he’s coping.

Some stuff I've left on Teddy's wall lol.
Some stuff I’ve left on Teddy’s wall lol.

I just told him my method of coping with my losses from last year and what I feel he should do. I never wanted him to think that what I’m saying is what he should do I just wanted to speak to him directly and strictly from my heart because I love Teddy and want him to know I care for him first and foremost. I truly felt like Dean was trying to tell him something through me and the people that love Teddy and for some reason I just felt my intuition leading me again. Even when I was talking to him I didn’t feel like I got everything out that I should of said, I still feel like I missed something I should of said, whatever that may be. Maybe it’s saved for another day? I think there’s allot that his husband wish he could say to Teddy but obviously can’t and it’s heartbreaking because I could relate to that feeling…

The more I talked to him about Joey and what helped me get through it a bit; the more I realized that I’ve said allot of how I feel already in many letters I’ve wrote here on my blog.. I’ve poured out so much emotion that for now I think I’m ok.. I know what it’s like to lose very important people and learning how to cope with it all is very important not just to my mental and physical health so I don’t become depressed but for everyone. After a certain amount of time I had to disconnect my head from my heart to make sure I just stayed mental and not emotional. Of course I get my sad days where both heart and mind coincide to help me mourn a little but overall I’ve managed to gain control of my emotions again so I can remain uplifted and strong…

sort of….

Losing someone isn’t like a relationship that didn’t work and you moved on or something you got bored of and disposed and moved on. Losing someone you truly love whether it be friend or lover that your heart cares for is the ultimate heartbreak.. There is no getting over and being strong.. There’s only learning to dissect the problem in every way possible.. To completely dig within yourself and break down every wall and gather every emotion you felt for that person and everything you did and put it out in the open so that you can grow and move forward without feeling staggered or sad because you think about it too much…

It’s like hitting a punching bag.

Have you ever watched those movies where people get so frustrated and don’t know how to handle it so they start punching at a punching bag like crazy and start crying? It’s like that. You just punch away at emotions so that when you’ve completely exhausted yourself with them you can just say “ok I’m ready to mend a little more now.”

No one said it’d be easy, just worth it.

The moral of it all is that love never dies and you never truly get over someone you cared for passing away you just have to learn to deal with it in a healthy manner and if you don’t know how, I recommend you ask someone you trust with your business to really help you through it.

At the end of the day, life is amazing, life is so much fun and can be such an incredible experience with the right people in your life and how much of an adventurous individual you are alone. Be your own best friend

and again this is all my opinion and I may be wrong but this is all what I stand by and this is all that has helped me process everything correctly in my own head.

Life has been treating me well lately. There have been allot of challenges for me recently but I’m getting through it and I’m still happy :).

Quote of the Day

“Life is like driving: If you drive reckless you’ll get into an accident. If you drive too slow it’ll take too long to get where you’re going, if you drive at speed limit you’re sure to get where you’re going and if you drive fast you’ll get there quicker then most. But sometimes accidents you didn’t cause will happen to you and this is where people ask WHY. Why did this happen to me why this why that when in reality all you have to do is look at the situation and see what it is you need to take from it so you can grow and understand the way life works. That’s life”

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One Comment Add yours

  1. teddy sim says:

    touched. my heart is filled with so much joy to read such a profound entry. thank you for this James, you have no idea how much this means to me. love, ted 😀

    Like

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