An Open Letter of Grief


It’s overcast and muggy out right now. I’m currently sitting in my underwear eating milk and cookies like I do almost every night lol. The funny part is that I’ll literally only have like 4-5 cookies and that’s enough to satisfy me.

It’s monsoon season and with all the rain and clouds I’m feeling a little too cozy with how I’m feeling about some things I have to get off my chest. It’s strange, sometimes the weather makes me feel comfortable enough to allow me to talk about myself or the way I might be feeling. For the most part I have to write at night when there’s no noise at all and the world is asleep… For the most part.

I guess now would be a good time to address the fact that there’s a ton of people right now committing suicide and it’s heartbreaking truly.. I don’t know what it’s like to be depressed or feel like you can’t escape your demons or negative thoughts. I’m not sure how it all works but it truly is devastating.

Coming from someone who’s lost a best friend due to suicide, it’s one of the hardest things to ever deal with. Many people think it’s selfish and fucked up to take your own life and forget everything and everyone and leave everything behind but you have no idea how stuck someone might get into their own head.. It might block out everything for that time being and make them just want to take their own life. The truth is, is that we have no idea what goes on in these people’s minds.. The most we can do is look for the signals and the cries for help and just try to talk to these people. Sometimes it helps but sadly sometimes it doesn’t….

My mom and I had a conversation a couple years ago about suicide and how she thought about it at one point..

She told me she had recently gotten divorced from my step dad and my step dad (being the piece of shit that he was) had left my mother in so much credit card debt that she filed for bankruptcy. She told me during those moments of everything going on and the fact she had no help from anyone and no ways to pay credit card bills or the house, that she felt like killing herself. She said that she really felt life closing in on her.. She said she felt like it would just be easy to escape from everything but that taking her life wouldn’t be worth leaving us behind. Me my brother and sister were the reason she couldn’t do it.

My mother nowadays is truly one of thee strongest people I know. She’s so fucking smart when it comes to anything numbers related or life related. She had to learn everything on her own and now she’s a very successful woman with a 800+ credit score.

My mothers stories and perseverance in life is what truly pushes me and reminds me that no matter what happens or is going on, that I to can get through it. Shitty situations are so temporary and life is fucking hard most days and that’s just how it is. It doesn’t have to be, you just have to find outlets and things to do to get you by sometimes.

Suicide is something so hard to understand but to anyone trying to consider this outlet, please understand that this is seriously something so heartbreaking.

Till this day I still cry over Joey. Anytime I listen to a sad song that relates so closely to him or our friendship, it truly tears me apart. It’s something that I know will forever be so present on my heart because of how much of a best friend he was to me. Anytime a new Lana album comes out it’s always so bittersweet because she always comes out with great music but it’ll always be that 1 song that just kills me because of how much it reminds me of him or how much I think he would of liked some of her new music.

There’s a song on her new album called ‘Tomorrow Never Came’ that actually has Sean Lennon in it (John Lennons son) and it is so close to how I felt around the time Joey passed away that every time I listen to it, I can’t help but to think about him..

(You can currently listen to the song on spotify if interested)

Around the time when Facebook had just done their update about being able to show your location and tag your friends there was a picture that popped up on my Facebook that show Joey and I having a conversation as an example.

When I saw this, the next couple of days when I had time, I went to starbucks and grabbed coffee and went to the park and just sat on the bench and cried and thought of everything. I thought of he and I’s friendship. I thought of what I could of done differently to try to avoid something like this from happening. I thought of how I would probably never find someone as close as he and I were. I thought of how different my life will be without him. I thought of what he would of done with his life in 10 years all grown up with his life sorted out, but it never got to happen and how I’d never know..

Days before he passed away he and I weren’t exactly on the right terms due to certain events that happened but he was still my best friend regardless. We fought like brothers but always remained close friends no matter what went on.

Being a gay male is almost like girls. It’s hard to find that one gay boy that’s just like you in every sense, that isn’t a jealous person or is trying to screw your man and so on. I’m not saying I’d ever replace him, but the connection and friendship he and I had was just so bonded. Many people wonder if we were ever secret lovers but I don’t keep secrets like that. When I’m with someone, you’ll know because I pretty much shout it from the roof tops. That’s just how close of friends we were.

Anytime I’m in the car listening to Lana I play it loud all the time in hopes that he’ll hear it and enjoy it as much as I am.. It’s silly, I know, but that just goes to show how much I miss him and wish he would be in the car with me listening to Lana and singing along to it with me like we used to do..

Sometimes I feel like this situation left me traumatized and my pain kind of stays repeated.. I had never experienced such a loss in my whole life.

Joey left behind his siblings who truly loved him and miss him every single day more than I… And that is saying the least..

The only reason I’ve chose to open up and go into detail about this right now is to show everyone how hard this is for me still and how suicide is something so hard for the people who love you the most. Shows like 13 reasons why give you a glimpse of what suicide does to the people who love you but they can also be detrimental to your mental health so if you watch shit like that too much, it can get stuck in your head so please be aware of that.

To anyone who might have ever felt like this or is contemplating or even had thoughts of suicide please reach out to me or reach out to 1-800-273-TALK (8255) and just speak to someone. I don’t know what it’s like to ever feel like you should just take your own life, but it’s not an outlet. You were put on this earth for a reason regardless if you’re religious or not. You’re loved for and cared for by people and things do get better. When you have a moment just sit back and think about what you’re thinking and doing and how you can fix it. Shit happens in life but all it takes is time to blow over and get past. Just find outlets to your stress and find what makes you happy.

To those who don’t understand suicide and choose to point fingers and call people cowards, please watch your mouth because you don’t understand and you need to try and actually look into the subject rather than be rude about someone’s passing.

Be respectful.

4 thoughts on “An Open Letter of Grief

  1. I too lost a good friend who committed suicide when I see you in person again I will tell you all about it. He knew you were his good friend and that you loved him and that’s all that really matters some of us are here for a long time and some of us are here for a short time but I guarantee you he’s an angel and he is watching over you and his family❤️ I’m so glad to see that you’re writing again! you have an old soul Brian and you have a beautiful way of writing you really should do something with that in your life. You should look into taking a writing class. I love you like your my own and if you ever need anybody to talk to I’m here for you love your mama bear .

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Thats absolutely beautiful Brian I couldn’t of said it better myself!!! You have always been gifted with words!!

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s