I was talking to a friend the other night and he helped me really think about this subject I’m about to get into.

Anyone who knows me knows that I have something to say about something which could lead to me judging someone or something a little too much or over analyzing people or situations.

What if you could of met the love of your life, the person of your dreams but they were disabled in some way or ill and you didn’t even know they could of been the love of your life because you never gave them a chance to get close to you because you judged them? First off I don’t believe love is like the kind Hollywood sells you. Love sometimes isn’t with someone completely healthy or with someone who can walk or run. Love comes in so many different ways that I realize if you shun people away or judge and don’t care to get to know them because you found out they were ill or disabled then you’re the one who lucked out because that person could of been the best person for you and truly loved you the way you wanted.

I’m not as bad as some people I’ve heard talk about others. I don’t really like to gossip particularly, I tend to judge in my head or very harshly out loud. Lately I’ve been sick with an infection in my lymph nodes that went away but during this period I was in allot of personal situations where I wasn’t judging anyone just really observing people and getting to know them more because I was sick and when I’m sick I feel more vulnerable and calm.

I haven’t really felt myself so I haven’t had the energy to be a bitch if you must.

So standing back and seeing all of this happen has really opened up my eyes to someone completely different that I’m becoming. I don’t catch myself judging others like I used to unless I have a very good reason and that makes me happy because I’m making progress in a good direction. I analyze my surroundings more than I should sometimes and get carried away with what I think because I’m cautious but I’m no better than anyone else and no one is better than me.

I’ve had to learn allot lately with so much happening and having no choice as to what I want to do because illness and death leave you with no choice other then to move forward and accept things. The more problems I run into the more I catch myself changing certain things about me to make sure I’m more fit for life with a better mind frame.

Judging has always been one of my issues because I will tear someone apart without giving them a chance to really prove themselves. I think that I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not entirely capable of holding something serious with someone because I get too carried away with my thoughts or their flaws etc. Does this mean that I’ll never judge someone again, no. It just means I’m growing up and not paying so much attention to people and paying more attention to myself and my problems. It’s all about energy and where you’re putting it.

There’s so much change that it’s almost uncomfortable to deal with because I don’t move that fast with change. I like change but when I’m thrown in a current where I have nothing to grab onto to pull myself out just see where life takes me next, that scares me..

I have no choice but to move forward and my mind has kind of hit a wall where it won’t really let me break down and be a mess as much as I want to. There’s a block there that my mind is keeping up for defenses because it knows that if it goes crazy it won’t know in what direction to go in. At least that’s how I feel. As of recently I really took an emotional hit and this ones really hard to bounce back from to be honest.. I’ve never felt so abused before.. I’m pretty tough and roll with the punches but I definitely didn’t see this hit coming at all and it really has knocked me on my ass. I won’t say I’m depressed because I find the light in the darkest situations and always will but I am hurt.. I’m hurt with who I was before so much started happening this year. This year really has beat me up emotionally but I’ve learned many lessons quickly and maybe it’s for the complete best.. It’s just so fucked up sometimes how life chews you up and spits you out into a new person..

I continue to see the light at the end of the tunnel because I just know and have faith that there’s something waiting for me at the end of all this. I’m not going to hope next year is great I’m not going to say I have a good feeling about it I’m just going to go with the flow and make shit happen.

Quote of the Day

“I keep my head above water at all times but instead of just keeping it above water I’ve found myself just floating. So I’ll just float until it’s time to go. For now my feelings are the only thing I care about.”


4 Comments Add yours

  1. Aaron Hernandez says:

    I like the comments you wrote about being with a guy who is ill. I get turned down all the time due to my status. I hope one day I can meet an open minded person. The people that denied me like me at first. But when I tell them. They shun me and never speak to me again. It’s hard finding friends.


    1. Anyone who shuns you is fucking ignorant and not even worth your time. You must be talking to the wrong person because there are people out there who will accept you and those people are worth spending your time on. I have plenty of friends who have found someone and are in healthy relationships so don’t give up hope. It’s not easy to deal with but you’ll truly see who cares about you for you rather then what complications you might have.


  2. elena pendavis says:

    Great subject interesting to hear both sides of the situation


  3. Stacy Wright says:

    You’re amazing


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