I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, always have believed that. But lately I feel like there’s a cycle that takes place in a sequence of trivial errors and it seems almost like these errors are presented in a certain orderly fashion for certain fuck ups and certain lessons to be learned.. I seem to ask myself why I keep getting tempted and put in situations that are so damn fucking confusing and so unfair from what it seems like that barely I even understand them. When that happens I end up having to use my own judgement of what’s right and what’s wrong come into place. I believe this is what builds character and certain inner strengths but at the same time can fuck up something else that’s currently happening.
This year really hasn’t started off the greatest but it’s no big deal to me because I’m able to bounce back from anything negative because of the strong will I possess. When shit gets hard or when things just aren’t going well I can be very controlling and control negative situations to be something good and run smoother.. But it takes allot of energy, time and heart.. Luckily my birthday was such a major success because of how many people showed up so that was an up to start the year off right.
From everything happening lately I’ve realized about myself that my personality works allot like a volcano I’m able to brush SO much off but everything I blow off leaves a core from the problem in me and I don’t pay it any attention until I blow up because of how much I’ve blown off. I’m so easy going but when I blow up I’m a cross between a Leo and Virgo gone wrong. I turn into a fire house and when I spit fire I burn EVERYTHING from the pain I might feel. It’s the reason why I don’t like to get upset about things because I get so serious and angry and once I bring the horns out it’s hard for me to just be OK. I can admit it’s my weakness because anyone who has a personality like mine is afraid of being hurt.
Hopefully that helps some of you look within yourselves and see where your problems are laying if you get the same way I do.
I look at every new year as a redo, another opportunity to be better but when I put my heart into everything like I normally do I end up more disappointed rather than actually failing and let me tell you, disappointment is the worst fucking feeling because I constantly have to feel #1. Being disappointed is worse than failure to me because it says failure and SHIT at the same time. But for once in my life I have accepted and come to terms with the fact that allot of disappointment I’ve dealt with is because of my drive from how alone I feel.. It’s still something that always tends to reach me and will always haunt me because I know the reality of my problem. I bury myself in people and things because of what I’m longing for. When you’re neglected of affection from certain people it can really fuck with your head and make you search twice as hard for people that might not be right for you or friends who aren’t really friends.
I don’t mean to sound like some sad piece of shit because I know I’m great which is why I’m able to express myself in the ways that I do but I’ve always neglected certain emotions because I won’t face them or accept them or to be honest I just don’t feel them.. For once I have been a man about these feelings that I hate feeling and sat and realized I do allot because of how alone I really do feel. I’m kind of cut off from emotions and love things and people at a distance at this point in my life and come off very independent and solid but I require so much love and care that I don’t think many people will ever realize or be able to provide me no matter how much I open my heart. I think it’s going to take someone very special to kind of show me different since I have so much passion and love in me that I go above and beyond for others. It’s hard to understand but hey the first thing to fixing a problem is to realize it and correct it. I’m proud of who I am and what I do and how far I have come because I’ve built a name for myself from just being me.
I think certain currents follow people depending on who you associate yourself with and I think that’s why people say you should surround yourself around positive thinkers because it drives you and creates this current of success and ideas when you step into the current. I don’t believe you meet people just for the hell of it no matter what the case may be. I believe everyone is put in your path for a certain reason even if it’s a very minimal one. Sometimes you’re the one teaching and not even realizing it.
I also believe that sometimes fucked up people come into your life because you’re strong and can deal with rejection and bullshit way better than most and sometimes people need a force like you to get some sense knocked into them. So when I question myself on why I meet such fucking assholes or piece of shit mother fuckers OR BOTH, I resort to the fact that I do have a ton of experience with failure, problems and success to where it’s easy for me to help someone out. But, once I take that bullet, you won’t be hearing from me ever again. It takes too much out of me.
I like to consider myself as temporary to people. I come around when needed most times and once my job is finished, I’m either left or pissed off for being fucked over for whatever reason and end up never speaking to someone again which is where the loneliness seeps in. More than anything I refuse to get shot twice for whatever reason. Once is enough because I’m the one ripping the bullet out and healing myself.
So my point is
This year so far I guess you could say has helped me look at my flaws and look at my loneliness dead in the eyes to be able to fix it. A new spark of independence has lit up in me and I’m glad it has because I’m being more cautious.
I hope that I can really turn this year into something as amazing as last year. I will apply all of my force once again to make sure that I come out on top and get further ahead. This time I’m taking a different approach. I get bored and I like variety and I’m always hunting for the next big thing so I think I might take more risks and this time I’m not getting my heart involved with projects. I refuse.
This year is the year of the horse in Chinese astrology and well, I so happen to be a horse. So seize the moment, this year is going to be extremely intense. I know it just because of how much force and fire the horse stands for.
“Thank goodness for open spaces, because the Horse needs plenty of room to roam! Energetic, good with money and very fond of travel, Horses are the nomads of the Chinese Zodiac, roaming from one place or project to the next. All of this Sign’s incessant activity and searching may be to satisfy a deep-rooted desire to fit in. Paradoxically, Horses feel a simultaneous yearning for independence and freedom. Horses crave love and intimacy, which is a double-edged sword since it often leads them to feel trapped. Love connections tend to come easily to Horses, since they exude the kind of raw sex appeal that is a magnet to others. This Sign tends to come on very strong in the beginning of the relationship, having an almost innate sense of romance and seduction. Horses are seducers in general; check out any A-list party and you’re bound to find the Horse in attendance. This Sign possesses a sharp wit and a scintillating presence; it really knows how to work a crowd. Surprisingly, Horses tend to feel a bit inferior to their peers, a misconception that causes them to drift from group to group out of an irrational fear of being exposed as a fraud. An impatient streak can lead Horses to be less than sensitive to others’ needs. These colts would rather take a situation firmly in hand as opposed to waiting for others to weigh in or come to terms with it. The lone wolf inside the Horse can at times push others away, but this also makes this Sign stronger and is a key to its success. Horses are self-reliant and, though they might lose interest fast in a tedious, nine-to-five day job, are willing to do the work necessary to get ahead. Horses tend not to look much at the big picture; instead they just follow their whims, which can result in a trail of prematurely ended relationships, jobs, projects and so on. This Sign really knows how to motivate others, though, and get a lot accomplished. Once they find some peace within themselves, they can curb their wandering tendencies and learn to appreciate what’s in their own backyard.”
Quote of the Day
“Keep your head above water.”