Muddled Heart

So I don’t know if times have changed, if I’m just running into all the wrong people, or I’ve been single for too long but it seems like anytime I even so much as want to date someone I always end up with guys just trying to sleep around or that are not serious at all.

Now if we both want the same thing then just let me know and I won’t pursue anything but I hate when I actually become interested and am under the impression the other person is to and get nothing but bullshit after that.

I’m not sexually frustrated I think I’m just deprived of actual affection..

This month hits the mark that I’ve officially been single for 2 years and although that is great and I’ve been having a blast being single I have actually been making an effort to meet people and end up getting shot down. If it’s me I wish someone would say something. I won’t change but it’ll help me not waste my time. Maybe I’m doing something wrong? Or I’m just not anyone’s type. I refuse to ever change for anybody or to tone it down because I might look or be too much. That’s who the fuck I am. I’m proud of what I am and who I’m becoming because there’s only one me and I embrace every aspect of myself. If no one will love me then at least I know I love myself.

It’s getting cold outside and for once I’m actually beginning to miss the whole cuddling and staying in and watching movies thing or just having someone to call my own. I think maybe I let too much time go by and the people that did try to get close to me I shunned because I wasn’t ready for a relationship at the time. Either way it sucks. It sucks being sick and having no one there by your side or someone to come hold you and comfort you.

I’m sure these are all things people consider getting older but I just realize it’s getting harder and harder to actually meet people because either

1. They’ve been hurt and don’t want to get hurt or some shit.

2. They aren’t ready for a relationship.

3. They’re just assholes.

I guess I should just back off and stop looking and trying and see what comes to me? Although I’m sure it won’t be much I guess maybe I just need to lay off?

It just seems to get hard because when you want to be in a relationship you tend to focus on it so much that you look around and your gaze tends to fix on those who are in relationships. Hell, more than half the people that come into my store are people who are dating or married couples. I’m not jealous about it but it makes me wish that could be me someday or sometime soon. I just know who I am and what I have to offer and give to my partner so I know I’d make a pretty decent boyfriend. I wouldn’t be some sugar baby because I can provide for myself and it seems everyone is just out for the money lately. I don’t need that shit. Money comes and goes I need something real and something solid. I guess there’s a blockage from me being in a relationship so might as well just leave it alone.

I seem to know the answer to my own questions but it just confuses me the way things work out. Sometimes I wish there was someone there telling me why things are happening the way that they are, but nothing’s that freely handed over. Loneliness just sucks sometimes and having to find things to ease that gets harder. I thought I’d be adjusted to it by now, I was but I do have a heart and I can definitely feel that isolation getting colder.

Maybe next year will be different. This year has truly brought a ton of success and I couldn’t be happier so I’ll just take that and keep moving along. I just know that things like this take time and finding the right person takes even longer. I just have a passion in me that flows and gives and I don’t give it away easy so when it’s all bundled up inside I have to wrap it up and put it away.

Quote of the Day

“When you get into a relationship it’s like getting naked. With each piece of clothing you drop that person see’s you more and more for who you are and what’s underneath until there isn’t any clothes left on and nowhere to run and hide. It’s hard to just pick up that clothes and put it on once that person has seen everything because if they don’t like what they see they could potentially ruin you or hurt you. You strip yourself from everything to trust this person and hope that they’ll love you for you. It could be the greatest thing ever or the absolute worst.

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