2 people 1 person

The deepest desires in my mind.
The deepest desires in my mind.

Something hard to understand about me is that often I feel paranoid about how people see me. Yeah I don’t care what anyone says or thinks but there is a point where I do care and it’s very rare but when I do it hurts when that care gets tarnished by something or someone because I catch myself locking into this mode where I analyze every single possible reason something happened and try to correct my image or myself.

The problem with me is that I’ve become obsessed with image.. I know that personality is what ultimately counts more than anything but I realize that when I’m under dressed or not fully made up some people really do treat me different..

I really don’t look that much different when I’m not done up but I do wear glasses and that’s a major part why people don’t notice me. I’ve just learned to be more comfortable with this facade I’ve created rather than the real me..

Sure I’m insecure because I’m extremely skinny and can’t really do much about that but I think it’s mainly my appearance I worry about. I’ve studied my looks and body to the point where I can tell exactly what will look terrible in pictures and what I put on to go out. I feel I’ve become crazy. I can pin point just about anyone’s flaws and have become so judgmental without meaning to.

I’ve done independent modeling since I was 16 and kind of grew up having to need that “perfectionist” eye to every flaw in a picture because of the fact I didn’t want anyone thinking negative of me so I had to make sure I looked good and wanted by photographers..Even if people talked bad about me I HAD to know I did my best in order to know they’re just talking shit. What I didn’t realize was that my pictures were slowly but surely changing me and the way I see things without really giving a shit what anyone was like from the inside.. I evolved in appearance but my personality and insecurities stayed the same. My standards have gone up so high after my last relationship and I really don’t know how to come down or change some of my ways.. I’ve become shallow and I’m not sure how to fix that but the first step to changing is being aware of your problems and working towards fixing them..

a couple of days ago I remember waking up and just feeling depressed, lonely and rejected.. I have my reasons but why I felt that stab so hard the other morning I’m not sure..I felt this awful feeling like I just got broken up with or like I forgot something.. It just felt like something was missing and I remember feeling lonelier than ever.. I’ve been single for a year n half now and I’m doing fine but I’ve met some pretty fucked up people along the way.. I just don’t understand why people feel the need to be mean to me to let me go and run off to be with someone else? I don’t deserve that and if someone isn’t going to treat me the way I deserve to be treated then I’ll walk the opposite direction but I’ll still feel that hit and carry on..

I just honestly don’t even feel like a real person anymore. I feel like 2 completely different people and when I get down I feel both parts clash and feel confused as fuck about EVERYTHING and over analyze more than I should..I just feel like I’m confusing the real me with a facade I put on. Sure it’s easy to just fuckin say SO START BEING YOU AND SAY FUCK PEOPLE but what do you do when you don’t want to show the world the real you? I’ve learned to use my face as a shield to hide from people since abuse seems to be so frequent. It works almost like an addiction, I have to feel a certain way in order for me to be comfortable or at ease.

I don’t have BDD because I don’t think I’m ugly, I know I’m not I think this just has to do with perception and how people perceive me and what I do to give people ideas of anything. It’s that feeling of being completely aware of yourself from the inside out. I go with the flow and like to take things as they come but if something messes up I HAVE to correct it.

I think I’ve studied myself to the point where I feel insane..

When I woke up the other day I knew something was wrong and something inside me is growing worse. It might not be bad right now but 10 years from now I can very well see this issue driving me crazy and I can’t quite figure out what it is but I think I’m getting closer and I think I have found some possibilities but until I get it solved I’ll be a mess.

I don’t post these things so people will feel sorry for me or consider me a little bitch about my problems. I talk about this stuff because I’m brave enough to put it out there. I talk about all of this so people will understand me a little more and not shower me with compliments to help me feel better but to just understand me and why I say some of the things I do when I’m upset. I don’t like being put on the spot about my problems and find it easier to write all of them down rather then even attempt to talk about my problems with anyone. Talking about this merely helps me learn more about the problem and ease the issue a little more.

I know we all have our own problems, I know that no one is 100% happy with themselves and everyone has their issues and feels like they’re not pretty sometimes but I think I’ve magnified my problems in my head and have dove into the deep end with them..I’m just not happy and I’ve realized that now instead of pushing it aside all the time. I’m not content but the great thing about me is the fact I can remain optimistic through all this bullshit and hope for more and keep my faith no matter how hard shit gets.. I just have to keep pushing, I have no other choice.

This problem is so confusing to understand but I’m beginning to wonder if people have an impact on it? Anytime I feel rejected or alone I dig at this problem and feel like I’m creating more of a mess than is actually occurring and then wonder which face the person was more driven towards.. I feel like I’m just searching for security and the feeling of being cared for..

Quote of the Day

“When you get rejected sometimes that pain doesn’t always subside but instead stay with you..You carry that pain in reminds to not make the same mistake and when rejected again that pain tends to hurt just a little more..The solution is to not search but naturally let things happen in hopes that the other person won’t hurt you but how many chances can you give people until you finally shut down and turn to look at what you’re becoming? Pain doesn’t just go away, it stays with you, it’s emotional not always physical.”

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