Lost Heart

Recent photoshoot

I realize that if your heart isn’t into something you won’t really care for anything else.. Personally I don’t EVER know where to start with anything. I know what I’ll do in the middle of everything or going towards the end but I don’t ever have a clue where to start with things…It drives me nuts.

So I plan on going to school in spring and have fought with myself trying to figure out what I want to do with my future and what exactly I want to do RIGHT NOW. I want to do so much but it seems like I need to find what’s more important right now and what will get the ball rolling.

Theatre was originally what I signed up for but I realize that it won’t really help much right now since Theatre can be pretty tough.. I’ve settled on going to school for Cosmo and getting my Cosmo license and then minoring in Theatre. After all that we’ll see what I really end up doing. I just personally don’t see myself working a 9-5 behind a chair everyday. I see myself doing more but it’s hard when you really have to try hard to get somewhere alone. I see what everyone means now about busting their ass to get somewhere. I’ve done allot up until now and I’m ready to start a new chapter next year but it’s hard when you’re starting a new project and have little to no help with anything.

I’m not complaining though, I am my own best friend and the more I do things alone the more I learn to love myself. It’s been an on going struggle trying to see where my heart is and I’m still kind of lost trying to find it but I feel myself getting closer and closer to what I want to do..

I know I’m not the only one struggling with figuring out with what I want to do but I sure as hell am glad that I’m secure with myself and incredibly self aware because the day I really make big things happen I’m going to be able to set everything in motion to where I’m really working hard for what I want.

There really is nothing worse than being lost in your own head. I feel like I over think things or think too much about things to where I confuse the shit out of myself..I struggle and try hard each day to be better and try to find where my true passion lays but it’s hard to find out when I haven’t experienced the things I want to do as much as I should..

I just don’t understand why I feel so helpless confused and lost all the damn time..I’m optimistic yet miserable at the same time. Problems constantly come up and I’m able to get past them but just like any problem there’s always an effect that occurs afterwards. It’s like being cut, if you cut hard or deep enough a scar is left and it seems like the more I tried to avoid scarring it just, happens.

I try, I try really hard but how hard do you try until trying just gets old?..

I realize I’m good at writing these blogs and understanding the way life works and understanding the balance of nature and the balance of things and situations but it doesn’t help with the way I feel inside about myself or about everything going on around me and the void I can’t seem to fill..There’s things that are just so hard to understand as to why they’re happening but I don’t live in the past gladly, just taking each day is it comes and hoping to get closer to where my heart is. Living in the present.

I need to practice meditating or something. This life is nothing but an on going struggle and I need to find ways to balance out my emotions instead of always hiding from everything and just smiling.

You really can convince yourself that everything is fine but out of nowhere a huge wave will always just come and crash down on you unexpectedly reminding you that you were just standing still the entire time..

I have court next week for something I got in trouble for and maybe the classes I have to take will help me get an insight on how other people think and what other people with problems do to cope with what they’re going through..

Sometimes it really is necessary to see what someone else is going through for you to relate and move forward in your life in a certain way. What I mean by that is, if you find out someone had an accident for whatever reason, you either choose to not make the same mistake they made or continue with your life as if you didn’t hear anything..

Avoid all problems possible if you can, especially if it’s not even worth the experience of saying you moved on from it and learned. There’s just those things you don’t need to learn from because of how bad they are.

Anyways for now I’ll just wait till spring and see what happens from now till then. I might take a trip somewhere before the year ends just to clear my head and end the year with at least one big bang.

Quote of the Day

“There’s one thing you risk when being self aware and mentally strong..The risk of being lost and staying lost..When you know yourself too well it’s almost impossible for anyone to find you because you’ve made it almost impossible for them to know or find the real you when you’re the only person that can understand your own mind and the way you think..The feeling is like sailing away with no shore to return to just in hope to find new land…”

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