Lost in a mask

Things I’ve realized about myself and others:

The thing about hiding under so many masks is that you begin to lose yourself in the personalities associated with these masks. Soon you’re putting on a show and not knowing when it’s over. You get sadder the more you hide from yourself and from everyone, secrets don’t make friends.

It’s good to have walls up so people won’t hurt you but putting a mask on and pretending is worse than having walls up. At least when you have walls up you have an option to bring them down or leave them up. Sometimes you just feel safer when you’re hiding and I seem to hide allot..

It is possible to separate identities and get confused as to who you really are and what you’re doing but the truth is there’s only one of you so whatever you’re doing is going to count regardless which mask you have on or what you’re saying to someone..

I don’t believe anyone should fear anyone or anything but to always protect themselves from any harm that could possibly come their way.

This is something I’ve recently wanted to discuss and go over so people could get more of a glimpse about me and why I look the way I do.

but when all someone see’s is good looks they won’t bother to look past to anything else.

I go out lately and meet so many people and notice that they all say I’m pretty or really nice and so on but it all boils down to wanting to sleep with me. It gets frustrating because I’m not trying to have a one night stand I just want to meet someone I can talk to and understand and have them understand me and just go from there. I’m not the type to be flattered when someone whistles at me when I walk down the street, I actually get pissed and give dirty looks because my mother has taught me to respect myself and that type of behavior is piggish. Which is true.

I don’t even quite understand why all of a sudden I want to talk about hiding behind masks. Maybe because I see others doing it too or because I’m doing it too much to where it’s starting to catch up to me?

I feel like I’m doing too much to hide and I’ve trained myself to hide so well that no one will ever suspect what I’m going through or how I truly feel because I just put on a face look pretty and smile. I’m not depressed or sad, just upset with myself with how much I have to do to find the right person to actually talk to about things..

It gets lonely sometimes but I realize when you embrace your true emotions you don’t feel pain. I’ve learned to be my own best friend and there’s things that I will carry with me to my grave without ever discussing because of how personal I am and that’s because I believe everyone should be their own best friend and know themselves enough to actually be able to keep things to yourself and only to yourself.

I’ve covered so much about all of this before but there’s fragments that I feel I just need to reinforce and discuss again. Masking yourself isn’t really the wisest thing to do and it’s harder when you feel you can’t be yourself because you’re afraid.

I might go see a therapist soon because of all this. I realize the pressure is really wedging on me and I see how different people see me when I’m done up compared to when I’m just myself.

It makes you feel ugly..There’s people that haven’t even seen me at my purest because of how scared I am to show it..I feel like I go back n fourth with myself too much but I feel there’s just something deep that I’m not being able to see clearly about myself that I need to have put in broad light. I’m still soul searching and learning but there’s something that’s dark in me that needs to come fourth for me to really just be able to be happy.

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9 Comments Add yours

  1. Human says:

    I do understand, completely, how you feel, but beauty is more than what you see when you look in the mirror (which by the way you should do). And you ARE beautiful. In every way. Your inner strength and morals are qualities the right person will be THANKFUL for. It won’t be a struggle to take your mask off for him, he’ll reach up and slide it off and you won’t even know it until it’s gone.

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  2. Agnes says:

    “Everyone is a moon and has a dark side, which he doesnt show to anybody”
    sometimes we just shouldnt say some things to anybody, you are very strong person, I know that you can live without any therapists, but if you think that will be better for you try it, and I know how hard it is to be yourself, so many years I was hidden and now every day I uncover a piece of myself becouse then I feel so much better, even if that mean I will be alone to the rest of my life, thats ok, I just want to be myself, not someone who wants to see other ppl, do what you want and live your life, thats all,
    sometime I just feel like I cant stand it any more, but then I think that I want to live, and one day see you, when you feel bad think about it, I know maybe its stupid, but Im really happy when you write something, and like you wrote “You can change anyone’s mind if you can make them smile”, yes sometimes you can do something even small things and you save someone with it, I want to write so many things to you, but Im not even sure that you read it :]
    ps. I know that your life is completely different there, like we live in different worlds, but maybe I can help you in some kind of way, I hope so …
    pps. you write so long sentences that Im lost sometimes, I do it the same bye the way, but its hard to understand when you dont know english very well, like me 😛

    Take care and be yourself Bby 🙂

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