So Halloween is sunday and I still can’t figure out what I want to be haha.
Typical me, I think about something so hard that I know what I’ll want to be and then last minute I’m thinking of other great ideas and then can’t figure out what I want to do lol.
These past few weeks have been….Quite interesting
I’ve been doing more than allot with myself, looking for a job, think I might of found one.Getting more shoots in still, been working on my book like crazy and definitely think I want to have it out by next summer. Next month I have a big check coming in from a modeling gig and plan on using half the money towards publishing and agents revising my manuscript. Writing this book has really really already started helping me out with really finding out who I am.I’ve been studying up on human behavior and dissociation.I won’t say too much because allot of it will be included in the book I’m writing but I just want everyone to know that I’ve realized the things I’ve gone through in my life have really really impacted me and the way i am now..I’ve always been quick to deny that anything or anyone could ever change me and have perceived to be such a tough person WHICH I AM but at the same time have accepted and came to terms with my weaknesses.Writing this book has already been such a tough task for the simple fact that the more I study up on what I’m writing about and the topics I want to cover and facts I need to get together, the more it’s hard to go through with because of memories and such…But I’m not a baby I’m pushing through and I’m getting through it all, it’s just not as easy as I thought it would be.When you study up on psychology and what triggers the mind to suppress traumatic situations, it really does take it’s toll in due time just remember that.
I as well been going out non stop but keeping focus on my goals making sure to not get caught up in anything stupid to throw me off.
I’ve never been doing so much at once with my life before.For once I really feel like i’m getting to be allot more of a happier person than I use to be.
around people I could be the happiest ever because I’m just glad to be around everyone and glad to enjoy the company while it lasts so I’ve definitely gone out allot to just soothe that lonely spot I use to feel allot.After you go home is when things might hit you which has always been my issue but since I don’t have to worry about going home to a bad environment anymore I can just go home and BE brian not brian on survival mode..
I realize that it’s taken me awhile to fully grow up and act my age because of the fact I went through so much growing up and now, that I fealt scared of truely losing brian..In previous posts i’m sure people have seen me just go the fuck off and just get so pissed over things. I’m always within reason when I open my mouth and talk about something but the thing was, I was always talking about something negative, always had something to say. For awhile I became pretty angry with everyone and it’s still hard to make friends for me because of the fact I don’t take well to meeting people due to the fact it’s hard for me to trust but I’ve definitely definitely made efforts to say hi to some people and just learn to be friendly.
I’ve been doing allot of self development these past few weeks and truly growing up and finding myself and who I really am. I just don’t want to lose brian and what brian believes in and who brian really is, I really fealt back then that I was losing myself and slipping which is why I’ve clung onto disney movies and kid stuff for sooo long and had a hard time growing older because it helps me remind myself that I haven’t lost who I am yet and that it’s going to all work out in the end. I just have learned to give myself hope.
I think everyone should question who they are once in awhile to figure out if they might be a completely changed person they don’t even recognize or if they’re still the same with some minor adjustments to be better people.
well, other than my sap story, I’ve been really good =]
I appreciate life and its forms of handing itself, I always have but I’ve came to terms with it much more now.