its 7am and i still can’t fall asleep..these past couple of days my bodys been acting really strange..i go to sleep early sometimes at 1am (thats early to me) or 2am and wake up at like 3-5pm.It shocks me because its not like me to wake up so fucking late.At this time im going to go ahead and confess that i have been depressed lately and i think thats where this sleeping disorder is coming from.. something i never am but for so many reasons that are hitting me now, all at once.. I conquer bullshit as if I were on a battlefield. I don’t give up i don’t give in until im satisfied or until i know i’ve won. No matter how many fights I have to go through I’ll take anyone or anything head on and make sure I win. These problems occurring are showing me, I for once have no control over them and can’t do anything but sit back and wait until shit gets better which makes things worse on my part because I like to have control over situations, not having control makes me feel helpless.
People think I have countless numbers of friends and people that are there for me and that im successful and got it going on but really im stuck in such a deep shit hole and im trying to get out the best I can but I’m struggling and have no one to reach for because almost everyone I trusted has walked out on me. THAT’S where my frustration comes from this is why I’ve become who I am today. This is where all my anger and depression comes from. I don’t need anyone to be there for me to make me happy because in the end you have no one but yourself and I rather have no friends than fake friends. But I don’t talk to much people as it is already and when I allow someone in my life on a certain level I make them a part of my world I want to make sure I’m there for them in any way possible make sure im being the best i can be and when they walk out on me because they’re “busy” or just because they’ve moved on how am i suppose to feel? How would you feel? I’m never depressed because I turn to anger for EVERYTHING anger has helped me beat up those emotions for caring for people who don’t deserve it. If you read my previous posts you’ll see it shows.
Anger has helped me become a much stronger person and showed me pretty much a guide to survival.But at the same time, angers destroyed me. i’ve let it consume me more than i should of and now i have to deal with holding grudges being unforgiving and always on the defense….I’d say i’ve become a monster because of it in a way.I have some help from maybe 3-4 people but these problems go beyond help this is all internal and only i can fix this.I haven’t fealt the same since about 10th grade.I feel so different compared to people but an uncomfortable different.I don’t feel lost because i know what path im trying to take but i just feel so unwanted, so unimportant to those i care or should i say ‘cared’ about.
EVERYONE thinks im a cunt bitch because i think im better than them and because i think im hot shit but really i don’t think im better than anyone .My anger comes from my PERSONAL problems my PERSONAL issues i have with MYSELF.This has nothing to do with thinking im bigger and better, so lets clear that air right now.
I don’t like writing blogs like these because i feel like im just complaining which i am but im not a wet blanket nore like to be.im not pathetic or make excuses for shit so writing this actually took balls knowing i don’t show this side of me on a fucking blog site.so i hope everyone understands.I’ve posted this blog so everyone can stop asking whats going on and just understand whats up with me lately.See how it feels to be this destroyed person with bits and pieces still reamining keeping me going, trying to find the rest of the puzzel to help me go on to where i want to be.Showing everyone that theres so much more to me then posing for a camera nude or with clothing and making sure my image is how i want it to be, or trying to make a fashion statement..
I’m having a rough period and apologize to whoever I’ve hurt or caused frustration towards as well.The Brian I know wouldn’t do anything to hurt someone intentionally.I still remain sweeter than anyone you’ve ever met, I’ll be there for anyone even if it means me getting hurt in the end and I’m still fighting my way to the top one or more situations at a time.
Quote Of The Day
“I’m a lonely person but it hasn’t killed me and theres more to life than being alone. Life proves itself at a given time. Endure the worst to reach the Best”